Paragraphs are really helpful when writing these blogs.

ETA thanks for fixing that. I will say it's a bit short sighted to come on here and assume that everybody is negative and just wants divorce.

I'm not going to point out your age or the fact that you haven't been married all that long since it's possible this post was written strictly to insight that type of feedback.

Instead I will say that you obviously came looking for a step parent website becuase something isn't working in your marriage and you are equating it to the child your spouse has with another person.

Not everybodies response is going to give you the warm fuzzies you are hoping for, but at the same time if you truly had all the warm fuzzies with your spouse you probably wouldn't be researching for a VENTING website about step parenting.

Basically take the advice with a grain of salt, as your learn and grow and experience more challenges in marriage and steplife maybe those grains of salt will eventually add up and give you some sound advice you are needing at that time.

You bring a fresh POV to the conversation, but could you please edit your post to add paragraphs? A wall of words is hard on the eyes.

Take what resonates with you IsolatedGem. Many here have experienced a lot of negativity from being a step parent and are either projecting or explaining what they have gone through. You seem to have clear boundaries and a good head on your shoulders. If your H has your back and you both are on the same page I think your marriage will be fine. 

There is a lot of positive and sound advice on this forum and many are seasoned and experienced step parents. So direct your focus on the positive.

Where focus goes, energy flows.

I realized that this community feeds off negativity, hate, and my favorite...divorce.

You must not have spent much time reading. There are wonderful and supportive people here. Especially when we rally around those who are in abusive situations and are going through loss - spouse, child, parent, family member, divorce from someone who refuses to let go... 

You may not like the advice, but plenty tend to be straightforward and honest to avoid wasting your (and their) time. I suggest you take a week or three to read and read some more instead of being so close-minded and judgemental.

Love, forgiveness, compassion and understanding are great. But in a partnership that should flow two ways. If your husband does not apprechiate what you are doing for his child and if you feel that either you cannot talk to him about how burdend you feel or that your words are dismissed and ignored then there is an issue with your relationship that needs addressing.

If you feel that your husband would take on more responsibilities should you refuse to do some of the parenting, then I challenge you to test that. By asserting your own independence and taking control of your time you will be giving your step daughter what she wants, which is more time with her father and you will be showing your husband what he is missing out on and letting him see that he is capable of more as a parent. It will also give you a break and a chance to be yourself again and not a stand in parent. By stepping in and doing all of the little tasks that add up to a whole heap of time and attention you are depriving them both of that experience while building up your own resentments. So I challenge you, pick a day or an evening you would normall spend with your step daughter and go and do something for yourself. Hopefully you will see that they can cope without you and they will probably even have a good time together.

Step parenting can work but both partners have to be invested in making it work. It does for me more or less (it is never easy but it is ok). What works for me is that I talk to my husband. He listens without judgement to my feelings, concerns and issues and we disscuss what is going on and ways to solve the issues or at least make them a little better. Then we implement the strategies. He always backs me up in front of his step daughter, even if he disagrees with me. If I tell my step daughter off for something he will always have my back. He may later discuss it with me that perhaps he feels that I had missinterpreted the situation or I could have handled it in a different way, but in front of his daughter I have his full support. He rarely assumes that I will take on parenting roles, I often do because that is how we work, but it is hardly ever assumed (if it is I will point it out and he will appologize and alternatives will be suggested).

In return I accept that he is the bio parent. I have my opinion and I will express it to him, but he gets ultimate say (along with BM where appropriate). In return I accept that he is the man I love BECAUSE he is a father and not despite of it. I accept that my husband has a responsibility towards his daughter both financially and as a parental figure that will take money and time away from our relationshp because if he did not uphold those responsibilities I would think less of him as a human being. I help out with his kid because I want to (most of the time) and because it helps us all to have an easier life. I will try to do things the way that my husband suggests if he feels that his way would be better for his child. Both my step daughter and my husband know however that if I am disrespected or not apprechiated that I will stop doing what I do for them and they can sort themselves out. They know that my assistance is conditional and that as I am not her bio parent I am not obligated to do anything and I am willing to step away. 

This website is great for seeing a variety of situations and getting a variety of views. Any time you post you will have some replies however that you do not agree with. Sometimes it pays to go back after a few days and re-read what you posted and how others replied. Sometimes we did not communicate very clearly what is going on and so others have a different view of what is going on than what our reality is. Sometimes we just need a bit of time and persepctive to see that others advice, although brash and stinging is not far from the truth and can help us when we can take our emotions out of the frame. Sometimes there are just trolls and idiots who are best ignored. 

So my advice is to stick around. Pick and choose which advice you follow and re-read things after initial emotions have subsided. There is so much collective wisdom here that is unfiltered and willing to be spread around. Not many of us know others in similar situations in real life and even if we do we rarely discuss the dirty details so this website is a great place to really understand how these crazy dynamics work and learn effective strategies to cope. 

So yes it's possible to be in this position and find ways to cope rather than running away. I realize that I can't feed into whatever negative behavior my SD does because it will only cause her to continue doing it. The trick (if they're young) is to pay them no mind to their obnoxious behavior. Talk to them like you talk to anyone else, in their eyes and with intent to listen. Get to know the skid, let them come to you, and if they don't, go enjoy some self care time, and let your spouse take control with their child.

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The key to your post is the child is young.  What happens when this child gets older and learns even more ways to hurt you by her words and actions.  Or when she tells Dad that she doesn't like you so she doesn't want to visit him anymore.  Your self care may be more SELF as in BY YOURSELF and you wonder why you married when you are alone most of the time.  I spent 2 years not leaving the house without a skid, unless I went to work.  DSO didn't have a date or vacation in 2 years.  If we did plan something and the stars aligned that BM actually took her kids for a weekend, we had to go into stealth mode or his phone was blowing up that he had to come get the skids.  

Whlile you think we are negative and mean, we have ALL been through the same thing over and over again.  

You are 20 years old. Come back here in 10 or more years......and re-read this blog and see if it still fits.

It is nice that you have a positive outlook, but you have only been an adult for 2 years.......I've been an adult for 20....there is a difference. And most of us on here have already been married and divorced.........prior to step life.

I think if you spend more time here, you'll find it to be very supportive. The truth is that you don't like the advice you got, so you assume everyone is negative. Please keep in mind that most of us are speaking from YEARS of experience. And we've seen the same scenarios play out here on this site over and over again. Of course your situation might be the exeption to the norm, but from a pragmatic standpoint, it is most likely that you aren't that unique and that your will play out in a very similar way as everyone else's. 

Look, there is nothing wrong with being in love. It is a good thing to love someone deeply and to be entirely committed to them. However, in step family situation, the SM is almost always only 1/4 of the equation that adds up to either a happy marriage or a miserable one. So 3/4 of the eqaution is out of your control. That's a big risk to take at 20 years old. At your age, your opportunities (personally, academically, professionally) are virtually limitless. When you're 35, not so much. And they will be even more limited if you have a child with your DH. Now maybe your situation is so different and unique that you won't look back in 15 years and wish that you'd made a different decision. That is entirely possible. But it's statistically unlikely, and I think everyone here was just trying to tell you that you deserve more than to spend your later years filled with regret. 

To be kind, honey, you have only been on this site a couple of days so I am not sure you are 100% qualified to label everyone as feeding off of negativity, hate and divorce.  You have come to a site which is a VENTING outlet for primarily step-parents.  They come here for support and they come for advice and sometimes people come here to troll.  You will get a mix.  

Of course, you are likely to find many people who come to this site have had negative experiences as a step parent.  You are looking at, in many cases, women who may have spent years and even decades trying to make their relationships work despite the negative impact of Exes and children.. both their own and their spouses by former former relationships. 

You are a fresh faced recruit here.. talking to Generals toughened and wiser for their tours of duty.  The Hubris of your post does grate just a bit when you can't possibly understand or have experienced what most of the women (and some men) have in their own lives.

Why do you think people suggested divorce to you?

1.  You appeared unhappy in your role.

2.  19/20 is very young to take on these responsibilities.  You don't get your youth back  There ARE many people in your dating pool age range that don't have this encumbrance/obligation.

3.  Your DH seems to not be over his search for creating that "family he never had" due to his foster child upbringing.. he rushed into it with his first.. and now with you.  Do you think you two will rush into having a child and then he will decide that you are another person "he doesn't like very much"?  I guess people on here see those red flags and can see how things could turn out less than positive for you.

4.  You appear to be doing the majority of the parenting here.. You are raising his child.  You say he isn't a bad father.. but being a good father goes beyond playing with his kid occasionally.. it involves all the bathing, feeding, caring for that you are doing for him.

5.  which brings us to finances.  You  mention that "we are paying".. support.  I sincerely hope you are not subsidizing his child.  Again.. this is not your child to raise.. 

Look,  I don't know whether your relationship is the right one.  I don't know whether you will be able to navigate the complications that are just part of steplife.  I don't know whether you can survive pouring your heart into a kid when there is someone hardening it against you.  I don't know whether your husband will accept it when you decide you must disengage to prevent yourself from being consumed by resentment.  It's great that you say your husband listens but is he able to ACT on what you say?  Is he able to make the changes necessary for you to preserve your sanity?  You have to accept that there are things even HE can't control as well.  

And.. LOVE.. no it's sadly not enough.  You can love someone and still not be able to weather the storms they bring into your life.  And..if you read on here.. there are situations that are just so horrific and abysmal that it's CLEAR they are not viable.  But, there is also an argument for you being very young and in the grand scheme of things, a relationship of a year or two is a drop in the bucket vs the rest of your life.  Most of your contemporaries will have several relationships that span those time frames.  I know I did.  So, we also know you get over and move on when one doesn't work out.  

No, I'm not telling you to get a divorce, but I am telling you why you will hear that advice as an option.  In many cases, there are people here who have regrets about going forward.  The saddest ones are when they come here newly pregnant having "just" realized the crap show they have fallen into.  So... yes.. while there are positive outcomes.. there are enough bad ones to give you pause.

And.. personally?  I have one of the positive outcomes.  I have been with my husband for over 15 years.  Both his kids are now adults and living fulfilling and independent lives.  BUT.. I can still tell you that at times it really SUCKED the big one to be IN the relationship.  Even now, there are things that are hard because as a step-parent, you aren't "all in" with his kids.. there is a separation and while I have a hugely fun and pleasant relationship with his younger daughter.. she still loves her mother.. despite all the crap she put us through.

So... I think people telling you to cut your losses while you can.. before it becomes even more personally costly.. and before you regret that you spent your youth caring for someone else's child.. it definitely comes from a lot of experience.  

Maybe it's not the right choice for you.. but it also doesn't mean it might not be the best thing for you to do.. even if you aren't inclined to do that.

but, believe me.. don't mistake the negative content of this site as peoplel on here coming from a negative space.  On the contrary, many people have a very positive way of dealing.. but people have to make their own choices.

So.. take what you find helpful and ignore the rest.  If you truly want advice, it might be helpful to be a bit more focused on the issue at hand vs giving everyone the thousand foot view of your general annoyance/aggravation and burdens in Steplife.

Theres a ton of knowledge and experience that you simply cannot get anywhere else (facebook groups...)

Not all of it is hate and negativity.

It is a venting site.

As others have suggested, read, and take away what you find useful, because at the end of the day, its not My life that you are living. I have zero investment in your decisions.

Peace.

Please, for your sake as well as the sake of your future children, wait at least a few years before getting pregnant.

I knew everything too at your age.  Girl, was I wrong.  I'm old enough to be your grandmother.

I got married at 21 to H. And I loved him with every fiber of my being (I still love the man tbh, even with all the s***), believed every word he said, and ended up getting cheated on and emotionally abused. Also i didn't know he had kids and an ex for about 8 months of us talking (started dating a month later). Oh, and the ex is  psychopathic b****.

I try and be positive on blogs regardless, but I think you need to remember, we were all in that place before yes, where we didn't care, hence why we got married, but when we give advice, it's typically given with the new found knowledge and wanting SO BAD to help someone else navigate everything.

I don't advocate divorce in most situations, unless it's unfixable (I mean he!!, he came clean about the affair a year ago, and I kept trying again and again and again).  Most of the ladies on here are the same.  I admit I didn't read your last blog, but something that's important on here, is taking everything with a grain of salt.  The advice comes form a good place, it's up to you to decide what you do and do not need to navigate your own situation.  Every single one of them is unique. I think the biggest thing is people on here are quick to remind you that you have worth, and you don't have to tolerate s*** behaviors.