Between a rock and a hard place...
I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
Back story:
My stepson is finishing up his 5th year of college for a liberal arts degree at a grossly overpriced out of state school that his mother helped him choose without any input from my husband. She hasn't contributed a cent to this post secondary education, although she could afford to, and my husband ultimately ended up covering the entire cost himself even though his ex acts like Mother of the Year at any opportunity that she gets...
My father in law is very well off and retired to the South about a decade ago and coincidentally, the college that the stepson attends is only about an hour away so the stepson will often spend weekends at his grandfather's house and go back to the campus on Sunday evenings. It's a nice arrangement for them both. My father in law has been a widower for a few years and enjoys company whenever he gets it...
Although my husband's ex left him for another man and took financial advantage of him in both during the marriage and afterwards during the divorce, his father has remained cordial to her for the sake of a relationship with the stepchildren.
According to the latest yearly Christmas letter that he sent out to friends and family to share the highlights of his year, he apparently hosted my husband's ex at his house for a week so that she could attend one of the stepson's recitals. He lives in a very exclusive community on a huge lake with amenities that compare to a 5 star resort and I'm sure that she enjoyed the free vacation very much...
My dilemma:
The stepson graduates in May and we will be making the trip South to watch him finally get that quarter of a million dollar diploma that we have been living very frugally to pay for. It's expected that we will stay with him and hang out for a few days afterwards as we normally do, however, from what the stepdaughter told my husband that her mother will also be traveling down and has already accepted Grandpa's invitation to stay at his house for graduation...
I told my husband that we need to book a hotel because I don't want to stay in the same house as her, much less sleep across the hall from her. It's weird, uncomfortable and just very wrong. He mentioned it to his father (who, being the mentally sound 85 year old patriarch in a large old school Polish family kind of rules with an iron fist and none of his sons have ever dared to disagree, cross or contradict him. Ever.) And his father thinks that I'm being absolutely ridiculous and that their divorce was so long ago and before my time so I should just put that all aside for the sake of the stepson...
My husband has no desire to spend our vacation with his ex but he also refuses to stand up to his father and create bad feelings because his dad is old and he has no idea how much longer he will be around. He told me that he hopes that I will go with him because he really wants me to or he would just understand if I wanted to take a free pass and stay home. I don't want to go but I also don't want to give my blessings for him to participate in a happy former family vacation without me.
I trust him but because she's always had a lack of morals, a sweet tooth for married men and an unspoken jealousy that my husband stopped pining for her and moved on when he met me , not as far as I could throw her...
I'm afraid that I will not be able to maintain my decorum if I went and am mentally adding bail money to my list of things to pack... And Xanax.
Please help me to find the humor in this situation or at least give me some good passive aggressive ideas to disturb her comfort should it become necessary...
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Comments
Before I was a stepparent, I
Before I was a stepparent, I traveled to Florida for my step-niece's graduation, and stayed in her BM's home, along with my sister (her stepmother) and my brother-in-law.
At the time, it didn't seem that odd - now, I look back and think, OMG! My sister was such a saint to do that! My BIL even accidentally called my sister his first wife's name a few times, lol.
If BM is not evil, hasn't done horrid things to your DH and you and can be reasonably civil, I'd stay there. Awkward, yes - but not impossible.
If she has been a horrible, evil, alienating, manipulative shrew (like BM in our situation), I would never do it.
Maybe Im wrong
But it seems like you might have to "take one for the team" on this one. Your DH and YOU sacrificed for years so that this event could take place. BM did not. This victory is as much yours and Dh as it is SS. So go, and plan activities whereby you can really enjoy your time and your accomplishment. Start planning what you are going to do with all that extra cashola!!!! Talk about your awesome plans. Look absolutely fabulous! Shes the low-down dirty one, not you - you are the glowing angel that helped and supported your DH throughout. The steady rock, the one who will always be there.
When my horrid SD Toxic Feral Eldest graduated high school, she supposedly didnt have enough tickets, for me to go. But she had tickets for two cousins and two aunties, SO, BM and Munchkin. Then-SO, he refused to go if I was not invited (he said he needed the emotional support to deal with Toxic Troll his ex, who didnt even show up until late, and was on the other side of the football field from us). So she invited me "here, I waited in line a really long time to get this, please come." So, I sat in the boiling hot sun, on a hard bench without water for 3 hours. To support my SO (now DH).
Go to show support for your DH, and be amazingly hot. Be your awesome self. Eff your FIL, if he wants to invite trash in his life, let him. Do this for your DH, and yourself.
Dishsoap has amazing properties...and is in EVERY household. You didnt hear that from me.
So, upshot is, if the BM is trashy as youve indicated, and makes a play for your husband, better you there than gone - she cant play "happy exes" with you around. Stake your claim! Treat this like a honeymoon (wink wink) Toxic Troll keeps trying to keep herself relevant to DH. Its been an uphill battle, to keep our boundaries, and she keeps pushing them in different ways.
So, good luck! And remember - dishsoap.
I was going to reply myself
I was going to reply myself but this post some up my thoughts on the situation exactly. Go enjoy yourself and celebrate the hardworking that you and DH out in to make this graduation happen. Totally agree with scheduling activities to keep yourself busy.
My mother would take the
My mother would take the position your FIL has. So I get it. Your DH can approach his father in a way that is not confrontational: Dad, I really don’t want to spend time with ex, and I don’t want anything to be awkward for Jersey. We’re thinking of staying in a hotel instead. What do you think?
You’ll still have awkward events, meals, etc. but gets you away from the sleeping arrangements.
I am now retired with my own
I am now retired with my own money and no longer have to have any filter that I don't want to have. Which can make me VERY dangerous if someone tries to force me to put up with an ahole. By nature I am friendly and kind to almost anyone - until someone "does me wrong" then there are no holds barred. I do not yell, scream or curse - but I will retort with absolute logic and facts no matter who it makes uncomfortable.
Try it sometime. I think that's why my DH makes no attempt for me to ever be around SS and his GF.
There's nothing stopping you
There's nothing stopping you from going and booking a hotel room. Your FIL may be able to dictate what his sons do, but that doesn't mean you have to dance to the beat of his drum as well.
Of course, this will force your husband's hand.
Congratulations on see the
Congratulations on see the end of the tunnel. That is a lot of money wasted. FIL has the balls of a elephant to expect you to play nice with BM.
I'd say this graduation is a turning point in the lives of all involved. No more sucking it up to play nice. Let the snark fly I 'd say. Everyone is an adult. I would play this in a way that it would NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. I'd make BM and FIL feel so uncomfortable they would find rocks to hide under. All with a fake nice smile on my face. NotaSM3 has been to hell and back and I totally agree with her on this. Have fun, do your own thing and don't eat the shitsandwich anytime its offered.
Just reading your post and
Just reading your post and all the comments was exhausting. Sounds like it's going to be a giant drama fest that has nothing to do with you yet you'll be sucked in front and center. Personally I'd be taking taking a pass on this one and send a card and well wishes to ss. DH can tell everyone that you had a family emergency or some work deadline to tend to. Meanwhile for you it can be staycation extraodinaire, visiting your own family or a weekend with friends.
If he could afford to pay for five years of college
He can afford the best Hotel in the area. Type with Room service, nice Restaurant etc. I would not stay with BM. That a NO, and an NO and NO
Thank you so much for the perspectives...
It gives me a lot to think about.
My husband is a good guy. After kissing my share of frogs pulling emotional uhauls behind them before I met him, he really is a lesser evil, so I keep him...
He's very mild, quiet and so nice, which makes for a wonderful husband but a sitting duck when it comes to having a manipulative ex wife and 2 entitled young adult children who always have a financial agenda...
He makes a good living and although our finances are separate, hes old school and covers the majority of the home expenses and my income is used for groceries and all of the extras that make our life as a couple nice.
My father in law has always been good to me and advocated on my behalf a few years ago when the ex wife's daughter was getting married and purposely excluded me. He called his other sons and spouses and forbade them to go because I wasn't invited ( I commented this on someone's post a few weeks ago.) I don't feel that he has any ill will towards me or anything, I think that he just doesn't get how weird and awkward the whole situation is going to be since he's so old, has no clue about divorce etiquette because my husband is the only divorced person that he knows and he unfortunately isn't much of a sharer...
My only recourse is to go, because there's no way that I'm going to serve him up to that c*ck vulture on a platter. I'm going to insist that he goes above and beyond to be the ultimate husband ( that she never got, apparently, judging by her multiple affairs) and subtly rub our happiness into her face. I also plan to spot clean the toilet will her toothbrush if she leaves it unguarded...
Humor, wine and Valium. It's my only hope.
And Be Loud in Bed : )
And above all be very loud in bed with plenty of moaning and groaning! Make sure she knows that you and DH have an amazing sex life and you are clearly the best lover he has ever had and will ever have : )
Your husband needs to address
Your husband needs to address the BM - SHE is the one taking advantage of the situation!
The FIL invited her and she accepted during a time that would not interfere with a visit from his son. Which is fine, whatever.
But his invitation for graduation should have NOT been accepted by her whatsoever. She crossed boundaries AND took advantage of an elderly man's kindness.
Your DH should go directly to the BM with the above and demand SHE put herself up in a hotel. And then simply tell FIL she made other arrangements.