first post, need advice
I'm glad that I found this web site, hopefully it will help. To start I have a ten year old step son, and I daughter that I am the biological father to. I'm not sure how to put this, but I can no longer tolerate my step son. I feel terrible about it, but there is no way of sugar coating it. He has sever ADHD and every day is just such a grind. Its almost like he lives in constant opposition to the rest of us, including his mother. I don't know how to shake this feeling or if I even can. He lies and cries over everything, and when he is not just making gutteral noises he is squeling at the dog(which is a whole nother story). At work I am happy, get along with everyone but the second I walk in the door after work I want to leave. This is not fair to my daughter at all, since she is my light but I cant have any interaction with her without him butting in. I have been making a effort to not allow my frustration with him affect my patients with her, after all its not her fault. I am not sure where I am going with this but I just need to get it out.
I feel as alot of you may, or at least hope you do, that this springs from not being his biological father. I didn't have much of a role with him until his mother and I got married and he was 2 and a half. So I don't have that closeness that you develop in the early months. I have and do try to do things with him, but shortly into it or shortly after I feel like what was the point because it rarely ends well. On one hand I feel terrible for this and want to fiz it if possible, but on the other hand I belive that I feel what I feel and should not apologise for it. I am obviously very conflicted over it all.
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What caused you to stop trying with SS
I am not crisizing you. I just want to understand so I can give you advice.
You said:
"but shortly into it or shortly after I feel like what was the point because it rarely ends well."
I feel the same way and it was because of bio mother's interence. It sounds like SS may be jealous.
"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"
I guess that maybe a reason,
I guess that maybe a reason, I feel as if i have done a pretty good job, until recently of masking my feeling and feel that I have given him an honest effort to be more father like to him. He seems to take any attention and magnifies it, such as a pat on the head is an invitation to climb or hit. Sometimes I just want to give him attention without it becoming a big deal, ya know. I do admit that I'm not a cuddly, fuzzy daddy. I see people who can actually talk to their child, what I'm trying to say is he lacks any kind of calmness and that puts me constatly on edge. Thank you for your response,I will consider it. I'm here because i don't know the answers.
I had an ADHD bio child
They are exhausting to be around. I found that cutting out sugar helped to come her down. She would be fine and then someone would give her candy and she turned into a wild child running around and hitting and climbing furniture. You might want to look into food allergies or try to find the cause for his behavior.
Also, understanding how hard it was for her to sit still, I started bribing her with treats. "If you are good at school all week, I will take you to a movie/ice cream, etc on Friday" I appreciated that she had a short attention span and cut her some slack because of this as I watched her try very hard to be good and sit still for story time. She did grow out of it by the time she was about 10. She is a wonderful young lady today.
It may be harder for you to deal with a child like this if he is not your own. She was and is my little girl and I will love her to the end...even though she was a pain in the neck.
But I would also explore your own feelings about giving up. Kids pick up on this stuff. Maybe something happend and you checked out as well which is causing things to be magnified. Good luck.
"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"
welcome!
I have NO experience with ADHD, so I am of little help there. But I can offer something in the Stepparent arena. Have you spoken with your wife about how you feel? Does the child have any contact with his biological father? Sounds like he has boundary issues. Maybe a therapist would help?
Your feelings...
Are normal. That is why we are all here! At least I say they're normal, because we all have them to some extent. My SS is exhausting to me as well, and he does not have ADHD. It's just the extra effort I face to force myself to be kind and motherly to him.
I know that when it's our 'week' to have my ss, I dread it for days before it happens, and the 'week' is always a stressful one for me. I can only imagine how you feel not even wanting to go home at nights. You should spend some alone time with your daugther. In our household, 1-2 times per month, my DH and I always spend one day, evening, alone with our biokids. It helps sometimes because you can connect with them without the interference of the skid.
Sia mentioned a therapist. I think that may help you. It may not help you get that bonding relationship you want with your SS, but it may give you some much needed coping skills!
Good Luck!
It just so wierd to me that
It just so wierd to me that i am far from alone in feeling this way, just knowing that takes some of the stress out of it. it very well be just the dynamic thats flawed and not the people.
His Biological father is a
His Biological father is a career criminal and now that we have gone to court and fought for the last 3 years he has been completly removed. After typing this I know that I must care about him to go through all of that just to keep him absolutely wothless father away from him. I'm just a little bit lost right now, he jsut is so taxing and I fear that his genetics will send him down the same path. As if this is only the tip of the iceberg, the worst may still be to come. He has that sort care about nothing attitude that I envision his father having as a child. Maybe I'm just preemtivly pulling away. I don't know.
you know what john......
I feel the same way you do! I profess not to care about Sd17's actions, and all, BUT if I didnt care, I wouldn't be here. My SD has BP and BPD. It IS very draining on all of us. SitaTara just posted soemthing to that effect recently. Our SDs have the same mental illness, so we share that bond. It IS helpful to come here and dump your thoughts as a way to deal with it!
Some days I want to kill SD, others, I just want to hug her and tell her it will all be ok. I have very mixed emotions these days. She has just moved back in with us after being gone since Feb. It seems that we have a pattern of her moving in/out every 6mos or so. This time, she will be 18 soon, and will no longer be allowed to do that. Her BM is also very mentally ill and tried to commit suicide last week (hence SD moving back in). She is draining, I know she doesnt mean to be, but that mential illness is sooo draining. It sounds like you are being drained emotionally as well. have you and your wife considered getting away from the kids for a couple nights a month in order to refresh? It helps Dh and I.
I don't believe that SS has to end up like his dad
Having ADHD does make things harder for him as lets face it, these kids are annoying. But I kept loving my daughter knowing she would be fine one day and she is. She was also dyslexic which caused her many problems with her self esteem. I kept searching and found a good tutor who was able to give her tools to be succesful. My ex's problems were related to his ADHD and dyslexia but he never got the help he needed. I think the story can have a happy ending if you get him help.
He may also have self esteem issues knowing his father is a criminal. I would take him to counseling and see if he is suffering with this knowledge. I think this boy can be helped. I know it must be hard for you since he is not even your own but other than trying to work this out, what can you do besides leave his mother or put him in a home? Both options seem pretty tough as Mom may not want to give him up and divorce is hard. I would try to get counseling for the family as having a child like this puts stress on everybody even bio kids as you well know.
Good luck
"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"
oh he dosen't know, maybe if
oh he dosen't know, maybe if his biofather was a decent person he would be known of, but no he dosen't know and we spent alot of time and money so he wouldn't know. I'm not going to leave and I'm not going to give up on him as hard as it is sometimes, if for no other reason that I love his mother to much to abandon her and I wouldn't put my daughter through that either. I'm just looking for people that have similar problems that I can talk to, because going to my wife and saying i don't want to come home at night because of your son or that your son is ruining my life is not an option. But knowing that i am not alone might help.
ADHD
I don't know if I believe in "ADHD". I have my own theories on ADHD because most of the kids I've seen who suffer from it, tend to be boys, they also seem to be mostly boys without the BioDad in the picture. I have a nephew(who doesn't have his bio-dad) who has it, and all of his friends (whom by the way don't have father's either). they are all in their adolecent years & laugh and giggle about it & make fun of all the bad things that they all would do together, like stealing a fork-lift from the church. Also, they would kid about all the meds they took. My ex-husband, whom also was diagnosed w/ADHD has been in & out of prison his whole life. Thank God I didn't have any boys!
Anyhoo, I finally had to stop allowing my nephew to come over to visit because he would barge into my house like he owned the place, broke my daughters toys on purpose but on accident, he would always reek havoc. Finally one day, i got in his face, i had to get really mean w/him & pretty much throw him out of my house by the seat of his pants. He's not been to my house since, that was over a year ago. I think that these kind of kids are lacking a Male Disciplinary figure in their lives & they need to have their little asses lit up a time or two by a MAN, not their mothers that they can walk all over. But that's just my theory.
ADHD
Is real. Her dad lived with us while she had it. And I personally believe she had food allergies. My sweet child would be fine. Then her Dad would give her a soda and cotton candy and she turned into a wild animal running around the house.
Her father had it and so did his 2 brothers. I saw a home video of him and his 3 brothers terrorizing the house. Jumping up and down and running around like crazy. And she was still married to their dad. It was frightening.
It may have different causes but BD's got worse depending her diet.
"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"
Yes it's real
My nephew has it too. Lives in a very stable mom, dad, 2 kids and a dog family but he was like a monkey on crack when he was young! Lighting up their asses doesn't fix true ADHD, I can assure you of that!!
one of the skids is that
one of the skids is that way. i do not buy sugar treats at all and that does seem to help a little.
john...my attitude is if a child has something then OK it isn't the childs fault, but i would take them to every specialist i could to get them physical and mental HELP. learning to cope, helping theirselves, that type of thing.
my skids doesn't get that. "Stupid" just drugs all of them up so she doesn't have to deal. it is sad b/c the kid that really needs alot of help and guidance isn't getting it.
can you have the mom take him to professionals in that area or counselors to help you all cope?