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Conflicted about SD15...

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Tue, 10/04/2011 - 8:51am

With things finally getting settled for SS13 with the agreement, I keep thinking about SD15. As much as I resent this child for everything she has done a part of me thinks I should reach out to her. Not for me, but for DH. Maybe if I encourage her to see him, she might actually answer him. He says he doesn't want to see her anymore, but I know that is not true. On the other hand if I do and she starts to see him and have a relationship with him, what kind of relationship is it?

I read on here all the time about adult SD's taking and taking from their Dad. I know this one will be the same way. But, I still feel bad about the way all of this went done and have a lot of guilt. If we had never met, he would still have his daughter. I know she and BM would have done this to any woman in his life, but it was me.

I know I won't reach out to her, because I truly do not want her back in our life. But, I still feel like I should. DH has tried to no avail. Maybe if I sent her an email and mentioned that her dad would like to see her, she would at least think about it. But, then that brings her back and then all her drama comes back as well. So I won't but of course I can toss and turn about this for eternity.

VENT....Idiot BM was supposed to send a list of the holidays that she wanted SS13 for the next 9 months. She only asked for Christmas Day. Dumb ass... We are on a cruise for Christmas this year. She gave permission in March and the tickets are bought. So now DH replied and she gets no holidays. She is unbelievable if she thinks we are not going on this cruise. There are 15 family members going and it will be fun for the boys. Also, we are planning on getting off the boat and then doing a longer vacation from there. She has no custody anymore and can not stop us...You wanted SD, spend it with her and your DH's evil spawn and leave my family alone. VENT Over...

Comments

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Tue, 10/04/2011 - 10:04am

I imagine you feel a lot of guilt, but honestly this wasn't you personally. It was the situation and it is done. Leave it alone and deal with your feelings on it. You already know it will make it worse if you get involved. It will just bite you in the ass.

overit2's picture

Submitted by overit2 on Tue, 10/04/2011 - 11:46am

Jsmom-after all the recent crap w/the court, and custody changes, etc....it's natural for your emotions to be raw and all over the place-but seriously you NEED to let this go and not even address it with your dh or address sd right now, I really hate to say this but not your place I think.

TOO Much has gone on for you to try to 'make things right'...I think it will just piss your dh off and the bm and sd-stay out of it, entirely-and learn to cope/live w/the guilt somehow. Agaian, I would not even bring this up to dh at this point. Let him have some healing time.

Who knows what time will bring his/your way?

stepfamilyfriend's picture

Submitted by stepfamilyfriend on Tue, 10/04/2011 - 12:16pm

Jsmom. I have been in a similar place. When SD was 15 or 16, she got in a really bad fight with her dad. It started from her mistreating my DD, because she always took it out on her. The fight got out of control and during it she yelled how it was all my fault and everything was great before I came in the picture etc. etc. DH told her that she could not be part of this family if she acted like that and she answered that this was no family to begin with. So he told her to leave and she went to BM for several months. For a number of reasons, including guilt, I acted as the peacemaker between the two. They are both so stubborn, but care about one another, and SD and I talked a lot . These months were actually very peaceful for us and I was conflicted, because on one hand I was advocating for her return, yet I knew life was easier with her gone. She came back, things got harder again. So I don't know what to tell you; each situation is different. What made my life much easier and was responsible for things being mostly ok now, is that I had the luxury of being the nice one. It was and it a luxury and it is what made the difference. BM was very nice and DH was always short with her; so I had the luxury of being able to like her because she did not cause problems.
DH is/was much stricter than me, so I had the luxury of being the mellower, understanding one. DH does not give a hoot of what his kids/family think about us, so I had the luxury of being the one who showed that it mattered to me.
Maybe it did make a difference that I tried to bring them back together, but there is no way I would have done that if I did not have the luxuries I mentioned above.