It's a long time spent not knowing someone.
Well leave it to my SS14 to make me feel insignificant. We were all sitting in living room watching TV & he starts talking to DH ( and I do mean JUST DH-he turns his head to him only and only makes eye contact with him while talking ) he starts talking about his moms side of the family relatives asking DH if he remembers so & so and bla bla bla. Then he starts taking about his step-fathers mother. He proceeds to give a detailed list of things she likes and tells this story about when she was younger. ( first of all, who gives a s**t, and secondly I'm sure DH dosent want to hear about his step-fathers mother anymore then I do) well after this story I'm left thinking to my self, in all the years I've know him I don't think he knows a single one of those things about me. Then I think even more , he dosent really even know me at all. We are basically aquatinces. How sad am I now. He dosent even care to talk to me about personal things. He never has asked me any questions about things I like or my life. I have tried talking to him about these things a little & he has no interest. I ask about his week , his day, things that happened he has never asked me. This is not a new person in my life. I've known him for about 9 years. I think he has hugged me a total of 3 times and two of them were forced & awkward. He has only once said I love you and I actually think it was a slip/ by accident & it was a long time ago. In fairness I have never said I love you to him bc most if the time just getting the basics out of him is a feat. I can't believe that it just dawned on me that he dosent really even know me and we basically have no relationship to speak of. He has gotten much much nicer to me over time, but that's not saying much. I suddenly feel so sad.
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Even after reading through
Even after reading through your post several times - I am not clear whether you are talking here about your SS or your DH. If its your DH you have got MAJOR problems with this marriage - but I suspect you mean your SS.
If it is your SS, I wouldn't worry too much. My teenage SDs whom I have known for 10 years, know NOTHING about me, my life, my relatives etc. I don't really have a relationship with them - I disengaged 8 years ago. This is down to them - it's them who have set the tone for the relationship or lack of it. I don't tell them I love them, because I don't. I accommodate them every other weekend, and treat them respectfully, but that's it.
If you want more from your SS, you will probably have to work quite hard at it - teenage boys are notoriously hard to get through to - but his bio mom has probably not given him "permission" to like you, whereas she will certainly have given her approval for him to get on with his step father.
Thank you Kes- yes I am
Thank you Kes- yes I am referring to my stepson. I did get a chuckle thou when u said if its my DH I have major problems. Sad part is I do know someone who has a relationship like that with her hubby- why be married ? Anyway, as for my SS14 I will not push myself on him. I never have, never will. I am very nice to him and now he is to me also but I guess we just keep it at the basic small talk for now. He is no doubt a ma-ma's boy so I'm sure like you said , his mother hasn't given him permission to have a relationship with me. My DH does try to help things along at times but at this point I don't think anything drastic is going to change. Maybe when he is waaaay older but I'm not going to hold my breath. Thanks for your reply, I do feel better.
Same
Same. I realized this after my sister passed away 3 years ago at 48. It was as if they,( SS 19 and SS 14), were forced to say sorry etc... a year later they couldn't even remember her name. They knew her too. We've been in their lives for 11 years now. My father recently passed away , same thing. I was looking at pictures with my other sister for the funeral and they had no idea who was who despite them meeting these people and the pictures being fairly recent. They were looking at my things. College stuff and high school stuff as well as other documents. They had no idea one single thing about my life.
This post touched me. It really does feel like you are an ," other" in your own home. It also makes me wonder why I never noticed that they didn't ask or remember things I know they knew at one time or other.
No one can make you feel
No one can make you feel insignificant without your approval.
Realize this is a 14 year old kid. You are a wonderful, beautiful adult woman. You might enjoy it if you could have a good relationship with this kid for his dad's sake, but you don't need friendship, approval, or consideration from him... you get all that from your DH, from your adult relationships with other women and family members, from your faith.
Don't let this kid take the wind from your sails! You are better than that!
Thank you Lilly- I needed
Thank you Lilly- I needed that pep talk! And it is true, I'm better then that damn it! Thanks again for your kind words.