I agree with Roxie. You need to get out of this demanding stressful situation.

This man has not set ANY boundaries with his EX or his child when it comes to you. He already agreed to having you move out once. Will this happen again? Will his child actually try to hurt you while you are pregnant?

This situation will not get better. You need to see that IF you have a child with this man; that child will be the next target.

He's a weenie of the worst kind. You should not have a child with a person who is so pathetic.

Agreed with all above. This is not going to get better. The other women in this man's life are absolutely crazy and vindictive and he's letting them trample all over you. He's got bigger issues to deal with and he's in no position to bring another unsuspecting partner like you into his life.

If you leave, trust me, you will eventually realize it was the best thing for you and not the "sacrifice" you feel it will be. It will just take time.

There are men out there who have already been through the child custody crazy BM phase, their kids are older or already moved out, or the BM finally remarried. Try to find a man in that situation. I did. I could never have lasted with my SO earlier on in his life when he was still paying lots of child support, his daughter and BM were calling the cops on him, and he was still paying BM alimony while she shacked up with the next man she got knocked up with. Back then his ex was crazy and ready to sabotage any relationship he had with another woman.

But now that his last kid is almost grown, BM has moved on with a new husband and new kid and new life and almost never talks to SO, things are manageable. Most of the problems we have involve me adjusting to life with his slug teenage son. Those are great problems to have compared to what you're dealing with.

Get out and save yourself!!!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I disagree with the concept that your bf is stuck in the middle. That makes it seem like you are causing the tug of war involving your bf. You are not causing any of this. BM's behavior and daughter's behavior would be prompted by the presence of any woman in your bf's life. This is between your bf and BM, and really is not about you, but about BM losing control over your bf.

Unfortunately, the more you write, the more I worry about your safety and the stronger I feel about you leaving. This is not an attack on your man, but there are things that are, as you say, out of his control, and also out of yours. What you describe is a very dangerous situation. If the BM and SD are doing this now that they know you two want to get married, how do you think they'll act when you have a baby together?

I'm so sorry you're involved in this, but I'm seeing what I call some insurmountable obstacles. There are women on this site that try their best to deal with these extreme situations, and it's heartbreaking to read about the restraining orders, etc. I'd also be worried about any pets you may have.

If you are not ready to leave, why not talk to a counselor alone about this, and ask them to give you their honest opinion about this situation, what they predict will happen down the road, they've seen this before so they should be able to help you.

You are human, and you are in love, which you have a right to be, and you've done nothing wrong. But sometimes being in love can cause you to miss what's right in front of you. But I also understand how hard it is to leave once you start making plans for marriage and then kids. It's like your entire life's dream is falling apart. Whether you decide to stay or go, I wouldn't take either decision lightly.

It isn't you. It is any woman who wants to take his ex's place.

First off I would move out and only date him. Sleep over when the girl isn't there but DATE him. Announce your engagement PROPERLY. Taking your daughter to one side and ASKING if it was OK to marry and have more children is not very manly. He needs to ignore his ex and remind his daughter that one day SHE will grow up and want to marry some man HE may not like. At which time the tables may turn and he will bully her into dumping the guy.

The ex will not change. She needs to butt out. DH needs to tell her to stop harassing you or you will take out a restraining order against her. If I were him I would tell ex that the next time she makes a freaking exhibition of herself he is videoing it and putting it on You-Tube. With her home town noted.

He needs to get creative in his making her back the F off. And you need to not let her behaviour affect you because it isn't personal. But how old are you? And how much older is your bf? If there is something like 15 yrs between you and you ar ein your early 20s I can see how this would happen.

Oh wow. I feel sorry for you and you seem a lot nicer to this spoiled little girl than most of us are to our skids on here. The BM needs to butt out at this point. She has no say over when her ex gets married and is obviously poisoning the daughters mind. Your bf did good telling her to just go home. I know it seems sad, but she did it to herself. She has to learn that this is his life, house and his rules. If you let a 12yr old call the shots now what will she be like in a few years? I wouldn't necessarily tell you to run, but I would say be prepared. This road won't be an easy one and you may have to ease into the marriage and wait a little for things to cool off before a baby. Next time the BM does something strange record it and call the cops something has to be done about her craziness. Show them that you and your bf are united and don't back down to a psycho and a pre teen.

This will not change. The crazy will get ramped up if/when you marry & again if/when you get pregnant. What will you do when you lose custody of your own child because of her calls to CPS?

Your problem is not the crazy ex - it is your SO & his REFUSAL to put your relationship first & stop this nonsense. What is your SO doing to combat this? Protect you and your reputation?

Please do yourself a favor & go see a family counselor WITH blended family experience before you go any further.

@ Justbreath26

I get that you think you are causing this tug of war, yes you may be the catalyst however it could be *any woman* and the BM would react like this. While she is obviously putting things into sd13's head, sd DOES have a choice whether to act like this or not. It might be difficult for her, but her mother and her own jealousy are fuelling her hate of these future decisions and she is trying to ruin her father's future!

I DO think your bf needs to be MUCH firmer than he is, he may feel stuck in the middle but you are NOT tugging him. You are also on the receiving end of this harassment and I am wondering what exactly is your BF doing to proactively and sensible protect you, your home and himself?!! You mention some extreme situations, including an attempted break in, verbal abuse, disturbing the peace, threats. I genuinely think you need to consider this situation more from a criminal/harassment POV than helping a troubled teen. As it is NOT the BM who is driving this harassment or not?!! SHE is NOT a teen, she is a mother and is abusing sd, you and bf. Tiptoeing around her and taking the view that pursuing any criminal or civil restraining order will only hurt sd is not healthy and dysfunctional because by passively allowing BM to continue her campaign of hate against you by harassing you both, this is inadvertantly enabling BM and sd, they both need a stern message that this has gone beyond a family matter to criminal.

You mention bf and you wanting to sd and her attitude, and while I applaud your efforts in considering counselling for sd (not sure if this was tried and failed?) unless sd WANTS help and thinks her behaviour is wrong then imo you may be hitting your head against the wall. This softly softly approach is NOT working as its already been a year, enough already. You and bf need to bloody firm with the brat. Yes, her mother is wrong filling her head with this nonsense but she's acting like a little c*w also and we are not talking a few tantrums here. This is serious. She is volitile and abusive, being 13 does NOT give anyone free reign to act in this manner as that's just an excuse - as is the fact her mother instigates this. SD could if she wanted, choose to not participate or at least try and talk to her father. She doesn't though. So you and bf need to pull your socks up and bf needs to tell her she is not welcome unless she behaves, he loves her but he is tired of her abusive and miserable behaviour. A child does not get to ruin anyone elses life because of a perceived slight - can you imagine if this child was yours and acted like this because you choose to have another child? How would that be handled? She would be ignored and she would be reported for any violent acts. Firm, consistent and no nonsense. Instead it seems she has been coddled which is only encouraging her rage and perception that she is right for her actions - children can be like sharks, if they smell a weakness they will use it to their own advantage and because everyone is acting guilty/shocked and worried about her, instead of her being told to pull it together (after a sensible chat of understanding nature regarding her natural jealousy) and being given a smack across the arse for her cheek! This girl is enjoying the attention and really she needs to be ignored, while you and bf take preventative steps against BM.

You and he need to draw that line otherwise it is only going to continue, and your happiness and safety is NOT worth less than sd13's. You need to teach others how they treat you, otherwise how else will they learn and your bf needs to get a grip and tell his spoilt princess she is not welcome unless she pulls her head in.

JIMPO.

My situation isn't too much different, minus the physical interaction with BM. She would text and have people friend me on FB, threaten through DH, etc. she filed a police report following an exchange at a McD's - told police DH was going to kill her because she saw on TV that a [completely different and unrelated] guy killed his ex.

dH is 43 and I'm 28. Doesn't matter. We fit.

Although I'm not there, it does sound like dad needs to be a bit more of a dad and not daughters friend. Ask her what she's afraid of - there's a chance BM has told her some scary things that aren't reality, and he can clear them up.

Also, buy one of those cheap surveillance systems for the front of your house. They're less than a few hundred bucks and could really protect you. Capture her freak-out and her attempt to alienate the father, and take her to court. If you haven't heard of Parental Alienation Syndrome, look it up. If you can get a judge that is familiar, you'll have a great case.

It sounds like you need time. It's been over 4 years for us, and things have settled down. We've fought everything and she has no teeth left. Don't get me wrong, she's still crazy, but I no longer wake up 45 times every night thinking she's going to kill us.