So life has been a little crazy.

First on the update list:
DD21 has power back on at her house and DS20 has moved back in.
This happened when my XH and DH went together and paid DD21's boyfriend a visit, at his parents house, while the boyfriend's dad was home.
Short part of the story: Boyfriend decided that pawning his motorcycle to pay the electric bill would be the best way to save his life from three very pissed off fathers.

DD21 got ambushed by myself, her SM, her brother and a few aunts (3) and both grandmothers and was educated on what a 'real' man is and does. Her father (my XH) was held up as an example to her, then DH, her grandfathers, her brother, her uncles etc. She admitted none of them would have allowed her to pay for a part for their vehicle and they damn sure would not have asked. Especially if they knew she was not paying a BILL for a necessity in order to pay for it.

She pulled her head out of her butt and is back to acting like the responsible adult I know she is. I am praying she ditches the boyfriend.

Second on the update list:
DS20 has a "girlfriend". They have been dating for 5 months and he is now bringing her around the family and introducing her. She's 32. She does not have any bio kids, but has a nephew (4yrs) she is raising due to her sister being (her quote) "A waste of life meth head". The girlfriend is a nurse, RN, owns her own house and car, pays her own bills, seems like she really has it together.
Not sure how this is going to work out though. DS20 is mature for a 20 year old... not sure he is mature enough to handle an older GF with a kid. But it is his life.
He did introduce all of us: and I literally choked and almost DIED when he brought the little guy over to me and said "Hey x I want you to meet my mommy... say Hi to NANA"

Jesus Christ I got 4 new wrinkles and sprouted dozens of new gray hairs from that one sentence. Which reminds me I still need to beat DH for laughing.

Skids: 2,3,4
Good grades at school, attitudes appropriate, chores getting done. Normal teenagers, so yeah they can get on your nerves but overall not too bad. I had told DH I wanted to see six months of consistant effort from these kids for them to get cell phones back... and it's been that long. Looks like I need to update my plan.

DH:
Still up at the plate parenting. No long term regression to Disney Daddy. (occational flickers that a raised eyebrow will cure, but he is dramatically improved). He has also kept his paws OFF my car

BM:
Out of jail.
No one in her family bailed her out judge let her out until her trial apparently the govt was tired of feeding and housing her.

SD18:
SD18 has moved out of her grandparents house. She moved out when BM was released as she is not allowed to be around BM. She is back with DH's brother and SIL. And per them, is towing the line and helping out, attending school.

Two weeks ago DH asked me to join he and SD18 in a counseling session. Nope sorry.
Tuesday their counselor called me asking why I refused.
SD did not ask.

I have spent years hearing my DH stand up for, apologize for, speak for, and to attempt to smooth the waters between SD18 and myself. No more. If SD18 wants me at a counseling session she can be an adult, pick up the phone and ask me to attend herself. No hiding behind daddy or the therapist.

The therapist agreed with me. Shocking as I was waiting for her to wish wash into "well her asking her dad and I to speak with you is a step forward, which shouldn't be ignored" which is the song and dance DH tried to give me.

Therapy session was yesterday. SD called me on Monday asking me to attend. Sure. When and where?

I really hope that therapist is paid overtime... we were the last appointment of the day, was supposed to be from 4-445. We left at 630.

The most shocking moment of the entire session was the first sentence spoken in the session.
By SD18
'I am sorry I have been such a complete b1tch to you for the past 5 years'.

There was a lot of hurt feelings that got worked thru, on all sides.

She now understands I do not Hate her. I hate the way she has acted.
She also understands that her dad and I are a team. Anything that effects the family, we work together for decisions. She will not divide us.
She also was made aware that I am still annoyed with her over her lack of apology to her sister for breaking her nose.
Annoyed over the court mess initially she said that was all BM. But ended up owning that she fed into that disfunction and nursed off it.

I "get" that she felt threatened by me. I pointed out to her how baseless her worries were. I was not interested in DH as a father figure. She did not have to compete with me over who was the eldest daughter.

She also comprehends that she was attempting to compete with me for the position of "top wife" and lost. Hard. Because she is not his wife. And he will never give her the same consideration/ respect/ authority/ interaction that he gives to me.

She will get those things from him, from a father to a daughter. Not as a spouse to a spouse.

What also got cleared up: lots of lies BM told the kids.

SD18 is an adult now. Off the payroll so to speak.

- DH did not cheat. Her mother did. She was not only told but given the divorce papers to read where DH filed for divorce on the grounds of infidelity. And her mothers attorney's reply filing acknowledging that the reason for divorce was valid. (DH had her on tape! Say it with me... ewww!)

- DH always paid CS for the kids. Something BM apparently always told the kids he never paid, that he was a dead beat.
She was handed a print out from DOR showing all payments up to date as of the date DH received full custody. He did not show her the print out of her mother being thousands in arrears.

She does now vocalize the understanding that the judge keeps BM away from her kids. Not DH. Not me.

She says that she "gets" that I have my own kids, I am not trying to usurp BM's place and "steal" her kids.

She also now understands that it is BM and DH's responsibility to support the kids. NOT MINE. To consider me a bonus. And just like at work, if the performance isn't there, there is no performance bonus. AKA if she/her siblings act like asses, don't expect me to do a thing for them or buy them jack or crap.

Progress is slowly being made.
DH and her have a session next Thursday again.
Then in two weeks it is all three of us again.

Maybe in time she will be able to repair the damage she created to her relationship with her dad and siblings.
For her sake I hope so.