This is how I felt when DH lost to BM based on SS's lies and then filed for an appeal. I was DONE and ready to walk, honestly. Thankfully DH's attorney discouraged him from any more court action, and I think DH sensed I was at the breaking point - and that's when he dropped the rope. Took me a long time to get him to see the difference between "giving up" and "letting go". 
 

ETA:  don't do one teeny-tiny thing to help with any of this going forward. Let him deal with ALL of it. 

Well, crudmuffins. Terribly sorry to hear this, JMTB. Just reading it makes me tired, so I can imagine how tired you must feel. {{{HUGS}}}

Tog and Gimlet both give good advice. It's time for you to drop this ball and leave the game. Everything going forward is on your DH. Every.Single.Thing. In fact, I would start gray rocking him on the matter. "You do what you feel is best." "This not my decision to make." And so on...

I agree with the others you need to disengage from this process and let your DH do what he wants to do...he's a grown man he can figure it out, and he will need to start carving out the time to deal with this rather than relying on you.

I do agree though about taking action against the judge, he needs to be held accountable for not doing his job, and really the only way to start getting sh@t judges like this out of the court system is to take them to task for their lack of doing their job.

He wouldn't be giving up on his son.  He would be giving up on the ILLUSION that he has any control over whether his son comes for a visit..

The resources that have been put into this situation has far outpaced any benefit to anyone.  The boy has been put further and further into PAS land.. and the balance of your family has suffered.. emotionally.. financially.

This isn't a situation of a 6 year old refusing to eat their veggies..where the parent needs to force or press the issue for the child's own good.

This is a 16 year old teen.. within 2 years of being absolutely legally able to make his own decisions.  Frog stepping the kid onto a plane a few more time?  based on his past behavior does he really think the outcome will improve?

And.. at 16, the kid should have some autonomy in his life.  I would be absolutely giving him the option to visit or not... BUT.. I would ensure that any post 18 payments are optional on your DH's part.  If the kid doesn't want his relationship.. he won't be getting financial support for college etc... sweet with the sour kid.

Maybe he needs to demand an "in person" meeting with his son to talk about it?

He could say that he will agree to the terms if he is able to have a 30 minute in person meeting with his son first... No meeting? No signature.. and he can proceed with a plan b.

I am really sorry you are going through this. As ESMOD said, your husband is only fighting his because he is trying to maintain some form of control over this terrible situation. What your DH fails to realize is that he hasn't had any control all along; BM and SS have had the control, dictating when SS visits, when SS communicates with DH, etc. Your husband is just in denial about the state of he and SS' relationship. 

This would be my hill to die on. SS has made it clear that he has no interest in having a relationship with DH or your family. DH can say all he wants that BM is preventing it, but in reality, SS is almost 17 and if he wanted a relationship with DH, he would find a way. Teens are crafty and they can easily hide communication apps, fake social media accounts, etc. to communicate if they were really that determined. The truth is, SS doesn't care. Your DH and family has expressed time and time again that the door is always open. I don't think one final conversation to reiterate that point is going to make any difference. By forcing it, your DH is further alienating him. 

Your DH can ask for a one on one meeting with SS, but know that it likely won't happen. And he can keep the stipulation the way it is and keep fighting for SS to visit, only for him to not show up. It's a waste of time, money, and emotional energy. 

I recommend that your DH request the meeting, fully expecting that it won't happen. If it doesn't, then your husband needs to take BM's offer, minus the $5k, and attach a letter from DH for SS that outlines that the door is always open, but that future financial assistance (college, wedding, house down-payment assistance, etc.) is not available without some form of relationship in the future. The letter may help provide DH with some closure. Then DH needs to drop rope. He isn't giving up on his kid because his kid isn't a child anymore. But your DH continuing this charade makes me believe that he will continue to push SS, even after emancipation, to try to force a relationship. Your DH needs counseling to accept the situation for what it is. 

I can see why your DH would feel that way, but he's never going to "win" a fight with HCBM and the alternative you proposed seems like the best option for him.

As others said, letting go and dropping the rope is not the same as giving up. I feel bad for divorced dads of HCBMs, but the sad reality is that there's not much they can do and children don't have the emotional maturity to see through manipulation (most adults don't either), so they are easy targets for HCBMs who know they can use the "poor, single mother who only cares about the kids" trope to do whatever they want. 

I get it.. I really do.

He wants to punish someone for this horrible outcome.  If the issues were more forced by the court years ago?  perhaps he would have had a shot.  SHOOT.. the court could have really stung BM and awarded your DH full custody and let her deal with sporadic visitation.  But.. that didn't happen.. 

He tried to get the court to punish BM... they passed on that multiple times.  To continue to go to the court expecting a different result? madness.

He wants to punish the judge?  For what?  for failing to hold BM accountable?  Well.. the problem is that in the end, he was doing what he thought was in the child's best interest.. and that was not to lock up the primary parent.  The default seems to try to resolve things reasonably... with warnings.. with encouragement to the parents to do the right thing.

But.. how easy is it for BM to throw her hands up and say I cannot make a teenager comply? Pretty damn easy.

So the court didn't do anything really.. and tiime marched on.. and they will NOT do anything to the judge either.. 

Does your DH really have some unlimited pot of money to keep tossing it in the black hole legal system? I'm guessing he doesn't.  I'm guessing the rest of you pull in your financial belt loops so he can continue his hopeless crusade.

Someone needs to point blank tell him a few things.  Preface it with... I know you aren't going to like a lot of what I say but here goes.. it has to be said.

1.  The court will never punish BM.  You are wasting time and ruining our lives living in that fantasy world.

2.  You will never get the satisfaction of seeing the judge held accountable for whatever failings you think he made.  I know from our POV it looks bad, but I guarantee the court will side with the judges.. for lack of better word.. judgement in how the case was handled. (and covid in the middle.. etc.).  

3.  You are not giving up on your son, but you have to understand your son has absolutely given up on you.  He does not want to be in your life, in our lives.  His mom may have pushed this, but he is old enough to understand and know what he wants... HE has made this decision.  The order would not say you don't get visitation.. it leaves it to HIM (at almost 18) to make the decision to come or not.  It's just agreeing to what is already happening anyway...

You are left with few options at this point and I will not support the option that has us fighting forward wasting more money on this legal fiasco.

The best option is to accept her terms... perhaps with the exception of the $5k payment.  The only other thing he could consider is that he would sweeten the pot by saying he would pay BM an additional $1K for each of those 6 visitation weeks she can encourage his son to accept... but my guess is she is probably more mean than greedy..lol.

The bottom line is that he has lost his relationship with his son.... there is none to preserve at this point.  Letting the kid just make his own mind up?  fine.  Maybe his son will be liable to be more grateful that his dad stopped the fight at some point.  

But, as his wife? this stops now.  If you choose to go forward with this, I don't want to hear word one about it.  The fight is killing us financially.. and you have to admit that you will never get the result you want in court... 

my heart hurts for your husband. He's tried so hard and I understand him thinking he'd be giving up on his son. Remind him that he isn't giving up, the door is always open. His phone works, he can still reach out but forcing a teen to visit is a no win situation that may backfire and cause his son to cut him off forever. He's not giving up, he's just trying to keep that path open. And as his son matures he may reach out to Dad, he may form a relationship but right now that isn't happening. 

However, make it clear that the open wallet closes, he is not going to throw money at his son while his son fakes a bond with him. 

I hate that you're all going through this. But stepping back isn't quitting, it's just realizing that running head first into the same wall over and over isn't doing anything for anyone.