Feeling so defeated
We are a week out now from the hearing. I am still in shock that the judge said that nothing she did was considered willful contempt, and just a verbal warning by the judge to try harder to do better with communication.
We need to buy SS's plane tickets and I can't even bring myself to do the search for pricing. I know many of you will say "leave it to DH" but I am the one who always does the flight search and I don't want DH to think that I don't support his relationship with SS. That isn't what it's about, I am just tired. I don't want SS here this summer. I just want a peaceful break. My kids will be with their dad for most of the summer, SS21 isn't intrusive- he would rather be alone, we could just have some "us time". Of course I can't say that without being the bad guy. I am not sure that I can see SS as anything other than BM's puppet and only having resentment towards him. Maybe I will get lucky and he won't show.
We still don't have any info on the financial side of things, our lawyer has a subpoena for BM's bank statements and taxes- I am sure she lied under oath again, but we won't even go back to fight it. We just want whatever number is decided and then move on.
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I'm not surprised, but I do
I'm not surprised, but I do know how it feels after a totally unfair court verdict. I'd get the cheapest tickets you can and assume he's not coming. Have DH send her the dates you picked and then ignore everything else she says.
Of course you feel defeated..
Of course you feel defeated... after everything you've gone through, to feel this last slap in the face when you had so much on her, is a natural feeling. All your feelings are valid. Your story is one that pisses me off the most. I don't know how you are still standing after all of it. I wouldn't be.
With regards to SS' ticket, I would keep to the bare minimum and definitely wouldn't be begging him to come. If DH wants to put additional effort beyond what you normally do, then that is on him and is in no way a reflection on your support of DH's relationship with SS. Know that, okay?
I know your situation sucks
I know your situation sucks all the way around. I guess my best advice is to rip the damn bandaid off.
Instead of worrying about it... gnawing on the bone of discontent... just get the dates.. do your quick research to find a flight that works for you and that you can afford.. and just put it behind you. At that point.. either the ticket is used.. or it isn't. Refundable tickets are usually pretty expensive. Maybe you could look into trip insurance? that might not be quite as expensive and may at least preserve the value for another trip if necessary.
But, just do it.. get it over with.. then there is nothing else you can do.. either the kid shows up.......or he doesn't.
Insurance doesen't cover a no
Insurance doesen't cover a no show... we learned that lesson. Just another waste of $.
Maybe your DH should ask the
Maybe your DH should ask the kid if he wants to come. If he says no or doesn't respond, don't bother searching for tickets. If he says yes, maybe it'll turn out to be a good visit.
Yes, that's actually a very
Yes, that's actually a very good idea. If I'm not mistaken, he's close to 17, time to make it his choice. then it's not Dad "giving up" on him.
We aren't giving him a choice
We aren't giving him a choice - he is 16 with a girlfriend, of course his answer would be no, even if BM wasn't always in his ear.
However, if he doesn't show we aren't going to buy any more tickets. Basically just waiting for him to end it without letting him know he has the power to, if that makes sense.
We aren't offering different dates, we aren't going back and forth, we are just doing what works for us.
Why not let him decide? It's
Why not let him decide? It's reasonable to let a kid at that age make that decision. Don't make it a power struggle with him. Then when he comes back you can make it clear that he made the decision, not you.
Why does giving him the power to choose feel worse to you guys then letting him choose by not showing up? The end result is the same - he gets his way.
Don't get hung up on needing to show him who's boss - because the truth is that DH has no power in the situation and SS knows it. It's an empty show of power and a waste of money, too.
Honestly, in some ways, it
Honestly, in some ways, it might even be better for the long run to give the kid some autonomy. Let him make the choice.. because perhaps not forcing the issue now will result in the ability for your husband to continue to build a relationship with him as an adult... he doesn't have "just 2 years".. he should have a lifetime where he may have time to spend with his son.
I think it would be positive if your husband tried to be in contact with him more to the extent that is possible. we all know the kid has a cell phone.. and some daily interraction is healthy to maintain with a parent.
But, giving a kid a pass.. to take the pressure off that is being put on him from all sides? maybe that IS the best outcome.
Hopefully he wont show
I understand the value of couple alone time (especially since no bios of my own!) and the fact that SS represents a lot of stress and pain. Im starting to feel that way about Backstabber SD14almost15.
Cheap tix. Hopefully transferable.
I thought this was a good,
I thought this was a good, rational point of view about the courts and PAS:
https://www.amyjlbaker.com/blog/family-court-judges.html
So I did go and do a quick
So I did go and do a quick search. The cheapest flights are on Wed. so that is what I am going to book. He would get in at 3:30 (which is when I get off work anyway) to the airport that isn't even 10 mins away and leave at 5am and that is when DH needs to leave for work. So those dates and times are what is best for us. Too bad BM works-- Sorry, volunteers at a weed clinic-- almost 3 hrs from the airport I am flying him out of! There is one closer, but since she is still claiming she doesn't work, it shouldn't matter.
you are checking the right
you are checking the right boxes, put the ball in their court now. flights booked - check. dates set - check. at this point there is not much more you can do. make sure you have things in mind to do if he doesn't show. things to help the pain Dad will feel if son no shows. busy activities.
By the cheapest that works for you..
if he shows he shows....other than that, I would drop the rope. Its sad the courts won't do more to foster a relationship between kids their fathers. And they wonder why so many fathers just give up.....
"Its sad
The courts won't do more to foster a relationship between kids their fathers"
There's no money in it. Follow the money.
It's totally understandable
It's totally understandable that you feel defeated. Yours has to be one of the most egregious stories of court neglect and disregard for justice that I've ever read. I mean, short of BM actually physically harming SS, she couldn't be any more in contempt (of court, of being a good mother, of being a decent human being) than she is. Your DH couldn't have a more supportive partner than you have been, I hope you know that. Maybe some day SS will know too. But ultimately I just hope that you and your husband are able to find some peace after all of this.