How to tell SS we are going to the Doctor
Today is the big appointment with the geneticist.
Backstory: Over spring break when we took SS to the peditrician, SS texted BM to tell her that we were taking him to the Dr. She demanded that he take pictures of the outside of the building. I talked SS out of sending them until we were done. She blew up all of our phones while we were in the appointment. She later called the doctor and demanded that I never have any access to his medical records or be allowed in any room where treatment happened (this was after she was informed that DH could book any appointment he wanted, since he was the father). It was a big nasty ordeal. It is all over now, I have a medical POA and since we are married and DH is his father she can shove it.
She still has not given us any medical information on SS, except to say she has all the paperwork, blood tests, etc for his Elhor's-Danlos diagnosis. Even though I found out a few weeks ago that there is no blood test.
Anyway, we are going today to prove for the 3rd time that her latest major diagnosis for SS13 is not real. The kid is fine. But how do we get the teenager to the doctor before BM blows up the genetics clinic and goes ape sh!t? I don't care if she knows 5 minutes after we are done. I just want the appointmnet to happen without harassment. How do we say, without violating the order that says neither parent disparage the other, that your mom is withholding medical information and making up diseases and we need to clear you of this before she loses her mind and we lose our doctor for you?
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There is no way othere than
There is no way othere than to not tell SS he's going to the doctor until he arrives on their doorstep for the appointment.
How do we tell him to leave
How do we tell him to leave his mom out of it for a freaking hour so we can get this done in peace?
By temporarily relocating his
By temporarily relocating his phone either to your bag or his father's pocket... Give it back right after.
Make him leave his phone at
Make him leave his phone at home. It is not a requirement that a child have a cell on them 24/7.
Exactly that. What sort of
Exactly that. What sort of brat is this that he sends her pics of the doctors office anyway? He is intentionally causing trouble. Also, why do BM's opinions or orders carry more weight than his father's?
BM is crazy! I honestly feel
BM is crazy! I honestly feel sorry for him. She facetimes him ALL THE TIME at our house. She is very invasive and controlling.
It's a shame you can't limit
It's a shame you can't limit her time with him. Is it in the CO that she gets to facetime him all the time? How does he feel about it? If he is getting tired of it he can always log out of facetime right?
It is a looonnnggg story if
It is a looonnnggg story if you don't remember my blogs. We have been screwed over in court so much it isn't even funny. BM lives in an area where BM's do no wrong and get everything they ask for. It is disgusting. We get 34 days a year with SS.
And it just makes them worse,
And it just makes them worse, even more entitled and toxic. (when courts enable crazy BM's)
SS texted BM to tell her that
SS texted BM to tell her that we were taking him to the Dr. She demanded that he take pictures of the outside of the building.
The child contacted his mom to say dad was taking him to the doctor. BM was the one demanding the picture. This isn’t on the child. He’s 13 and there seems to be some serious medical abuse being done by BM. This child has been led to believe he is ill by his own mother and now his father is saying he isn’t. That causes some major psychological issues. He’s supposed to trust his parents and they are giving him conflicting messages. His mother’s is saying “oh baby I’m protecting you.” And his dad’s message is “Mom is hurting you.”
Agreed. But until we can get
Agreed. But until we can get BM to stop convincing him he has diseases, what can we do?
I don't have the answers.
I don't have the answers. What I'm speaking out against here is calling the 13 year old a brat and blaming him. He is not at fault here. I know you didn't say that he is but you also didn't speak out against it.
Cell Phone Free Day.
ALL of you leave your phones at home. Unless you sneak one phone along for emergencies. No one has a visible phone. She can freak out all she wants but unless she turns up at the door (and how will she know where you are?) your visit will be easy. If your SS challenges you just tell him you are verifying some blood work to confirm his mother is right (or wrong
) for schooling purposes.
You ladies are right! Just
You ladies are right! Just leave the phone at home. The End. We can explain it on the way but this is a no negotiations thing.
The only thing concerning is the surprise visit to the doctor.
Trying to think of a way to sooth that "oops we are going to the doctor's now" moment. He will know why you didn't tell him, but it will make him feel like a pawn.
I think I might risk the rath of BM to avoid losing his trust.
Before he gets in the car, take the phone first and then tell him where you are going. Tell him he will get it back as soon as it is over.
Or just let him keep the phone and take whatever grief may come.
But you are in a difficult situation and I wish you well.
I agree
You can inform SS that he is going to the dr when he gets in the car. You can also inform that he will not be able to be on the phone at the Dr's office. In my area, Dr's have signs up asking people to stay off the phone. You can just inform him that the drs office requires him to stay off the phone and if he has his own phone, that you will hold it for him until after the appointment.
You’re really in a sticky
You’re really in a sticky place. Legally I’m going to assume your order states you must keep the other parent informed of all medical issues concerning the child. Refusing to give her the information in advance is a violation of that order. You are going behind her back. It’s understandable why but you’re playing a dangerous game. She can easily push the court to find you guys in contempt because this is not an emergency. This is preplanned which means she should be informed of the visit as soon as it’s made and she should be given the ability to attend which you are denying her.
You’re refusing to allow her to provide her insight. Given I understand she seems to be abusing the system and there is a serious potential of medical abuse here BUT at the same time you’re denying a doctor what could be considered vital information. MAYBE there’s something that is true under all this and you could be preventing the doctor from being able to make an accurate diagnosis. At least that’s what a good lawyer could fight on BM behalf.
Let me add you are also preventing the doctor from making his own conclusion about BM. Right now she can deflect and say “the doctors say he had it.” You’re making it hard to prove that SHE is the issue by going around behind her without the courts support.
So there is nothing in the
So there is nothing in the order that directly states anything about medical. However, she has refused to give us any medical information other than his "diagnosis". We had to go through DH's insurance to get the cardiologist information. We had to contact the children's hostpital over the colon issue. There has never been a genetics clinic involved with SS until now. BM told DH to figure the shit out for himself and be a real father. Kind of hard to do from another state when given no info. So, we are figuring it out ourselves.
Indirectly or directly if
Indirectly or directly if there is the implication that parents are supposed to keep each other informed than both of you are in contempt.
That being said I understand why you’re doing what you are but still the doctors do need his medical records and a good one should still want contact with BM to make sure they have all the information.
Again I do believe there is a lot of evidence of medical abuse here. I’d just be careful throwing away everything because there could be something underlying. As is the boy will need some pretty extensive mental healthcare to make up for the damage BM has caused. That will mean opening up that medical history file to understand where it all came from.
AS noted above...leave the
AS noted above...leave the kids cell at home.
Next, collect notes from the docs' BM has dragged her kid to. This may take some time especially IF your BM has blocked you from this info. Happened to us.
TELL this doctor everything you have just wrote to us. Provide lists of doctors names and locations of who you now bm took the kid.
BM's like yours doctor shop and have been know to drag their kids out of state to accomplish what they want. IF and only IF the doc doesnt side with the bm...BM will drop them like a hot potato. Then BM is on to the next unsuspecting Doc.
I imangin you already know this.....
DH needs to tell this doc your going to see.
Just like everyone else said,
Just like everyone else said, leave the phone at home. BUT I would do it in a sneaky way, like “misplace” the phone right before it’s time to leave or accidentally put it on top of the fridge and forget it. I have a feeling that if he is told that he has to leave the phone at home and that story gets relayed to someone as crazy as his mother she will do something else to be invasive. A watch that takes pictures or something.
I have already commented on
I have already commented on your Updated post about the visit, but I just wanted to mention what we do with SS. Anytime we get in the car SS used to ask us where we are going...as if it mattered? So me and DH made it a habit when he was younger to always ask him back, "does it matter" to which he responds "no because we are going" then we would load up. Perhaps just asking him to get dressed and then get everyone loaded. When he asks tell him it doesn't matter.