What I would do is go do a JOP deal now to legally get the ball in your court so other things don't go awry like his being posted to Japan.  Then in July when SS13 can be there you have a ceremony and/or reception party for family to celebrate you all coming together as a family.

I agree it's not good to leave one child out of this if the others are included. (I mean.. I would elope without ANY kids and did... but if you want the celebration.. everyone should be there).  Now lesser "fun" things obviously you don't put your life on hold... but this one thing I think is nice you want to share and shouldn't leave him out.

Stop thinking that this is somehow SS's fault. The judge didn't bother to listen to your FDH. The judge didn't even order standard out of state visitation. There isn't a darn thing SS could do to make the outcome any different. Even if he told you he wanted to live with you all, he probably tells his mother the same thing. He wants to live with both of his parents, but he can't.

Yes, he is going to miss out this year. He is going to miss your wedding if you keep the date. Remember, though, that your wedding and marriage is between you and your FDH ONLY. Having SS there would be a bonus, but ultimately, it's just about the two of you.

I agree with Futuro. Elope and get the legal part squared away, then have a party when SS is there. For future vacations, try to schedule them when he is with you. If you can't, you can't. There are things all our stepkids miss because they don't live with us FT. That is just the way step families work.

I think you and FDH need to see a counselor to handle this upset. You cannot function as a family if you are constantly hateful about BM, resentful at SS, and putting your lives on pause for SS. Yes, this sucks. Yes, your plans are going to have to change. But you can choose to either make the most of what you have or resent that it isn't enough.

Is your SO less likely to get orders for Japan if you marry now instead of in June, or as long as it's happened by June 9 it won't matter?  If the former, I'd be eloping and having a party to bring everyone together.  Whether that party would be on June 9 or in July when SS13 is available would depend on whether people are already planning on June 9 and whether everyone else is available in July.  If it won't matter for the orders, I'd get married as planned.  You did everything you could to have SS13 there.

I say elope and have a grand party later.

the big to-do with an officiant and all our family (but no marriage license because of extenuating circumstances).  We consider this our spiritual wedding and it is the anniversary date we celebrate.

the legal wedding that took place in the lobby of a magistrates office.  They squeezed us in at the window between hearing traffic violation cases.  It was basically like get married at the dmv.

I now kind of love that we had two weddings and that the legal one was literally just paperwork and a quick verbal assent.  It was perfect for us since marriage is both a big romantic joining and the formation of a legal agreement.

I think I need to be the evil one here... Forgive me for always putting the child last, but the relationship needs to come first. I've read through your other blogs, and so far as I can tell you and your fiancé have done absolutely everything under the sun for SS13. You spent $30,000, which is more than many people earn in a year fighting for what, 2 extra weeks with him? That's $2000 per day in court costs even if you won, and you lost. And from what I gather 2 weeks is what you were asking for (well below even standard visitation) because the BM found some manipulative and probably completely unfair way to move him across the country and strip DH of all of his time and your DH wasn't able to stop her?

Nothing about this situation is fair. It's not fair that BM was allowed to remove the child. Its not fair that DH doesn't have week on week off with BM chained to her old address or that it wasn't ordered that SS should stay behind. And even if it is long distance, there is no realistic reason why DH shouldn't have spring break winter break the entire summer (maybe BM gets 2 weeks) and every 3 day weekend. Abusive drug users with criminal records get more time than your DH did. And the bottom line is, NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

You have an idiot judge, an evil manipulative BM, a useless court system, and an SS13 who somehow miraculously hasn't been turned against you yet. You did everything you could with a bad situation. So forgive yourself. You should have no guilt about any of this, or the far reaching life long consequences of any of this because these were not things you had control over.

Once you have forgiven yourself, you need to get in touch with reality because I think you're not quite there probably because the situation is so ridiculously unfair. The reality of the situation here is that SS13 has essentially been removed from your and your DH's life. The reality of the situation is that the BM is a lying manipulative piece of garbage, and an absolute monster who doesn't care about the child she has stolen sole custody of. The reality of the situation is that when SS grows up he will most likely blame your DH for not having fought harder or he may grow up to hate your DH, regardless of the reality of the situation or how these events transpired. Now please live your life accordingly.

Make no plans or changes to plans with the expectation of SS13's presence. He will most likely not be there because he is no longer a part of your lives. When you do schedule things with SS on your time, please remember that the BM could simply decide not to send him for visitation at all regardless of the court order, and it doesn't sound like that idiot judge will care anyway. It sounds like the judge will simply remove DH's 2 remaining weeks in the summer before he holds the BM in contempt. So make no plans and hold no expectations about anything because there is no fairness or justice in your world as far as SS13 is concerned.

Secondly, I never advocate lying to children. Yes, you're not supposed to badmouth the BM, but nowhere does it say you are supposed to lie to SS. You went to court. You spent a fortune trying to get what SS wanted, SS's mother told the judge that SS didn't want to be there since she felt it was better for him to spend all of his time with her and none with his father. These are factual events.
You don't need to relay the implications of this to SS. You don't tell him that his mother lies, you don't tell him how unacceptable this is. You're not badmouthing her. Perhaps his mother was mistaken about what SS wanted. Perhaps his mother really feels that SS is suffering horribly every minute he spends with DH and is much happier with her. Perhaps his mother is so emotionally unstable she needs SS around at all times. Who cares? Honestly its none of your business. Its SS's mother, his problem and not yours.

Its up to SS to decide whether or not he would like to blame his mother for her actions. Your opinion is irrelevant. You do not tell him that you disagree with her, you do not tell her that she screwed him over. You make your opinion on this appear to be as neutral as possible. You simply tell him that the judge listened to mom, and this is what mom wanted. You can even review the importance of having 2 parents involved in a childs life, but you don't need to talk about how this is relevant to SS.SS can figure it out for himself, or not. And he can choose to respect and honor his mother, or not. You never advocate or recommend any course of action or even perspective on the situation. It is what it is.

SS does not have a divine right to be involved in all major events in his fathers life like weddings, because for all intents and purposes SS no longer has a father. That's the reality here. He will not be attending family vacations. He will not having birthday parties. He will not have a relationship with his siblings. He will visit you for 2 weeks every summer and it will be weird and awkward and uncomfortable. That's the extent of his involvement in your lives. Your refusal to recognize these fact is only going to drive you crazy and make things worse for everyone. So please live your life and don't worry about how its going to effect SS. SS will be plenty affected by having a mother like that, and neither you nor your DH have any control over any of it.

Also, I just want to relay some personal events for the relevance they have to your situation. I was 12 when my parents split. It was decided I would move to another state with my mother and my siblings and we would see my father in the summer. I went willingly, I was okay with this, I preferred to stay with my mother as my father had very little involvement in raising me when I was young since he worked all the time. And then I found out that my mother had an affair and was pregnant and the guy was moving in with us and id been lied to about the whole thing. And all of a sudden I decided I was not going to stay with my mother. This was after she had specifically bought a bigger house with a room for me, furnished the room, enrolled me in school, you name it. So my mother said no. And my father said nothing since he's not supposed to badmouth my mother.

But I was 12 and had a mind of my own by that point. I packed my clothes anyway. And my mother unpacked them. And I packed them again. I refused to speak with or be civil with the stepfather. I began complaining about everything about him 24/7. The way he smelled. The way he looked. In front of him, in front of his family, in front of everyone. Then I began a smear campaign to turn my two younger siblings against him. When he bought me a gift I destroyed them. Then I began going into his room and destroying his stuff. Then I began casually disassembling the furniture my mother had bought for my room saying she didn't need it anyway because I was going to take it to dads house with me. Then I refused to go to school saying my school was in my dad's state and that was the only school I would attend. Then I started running away from home in the middle of the night and matter of factly explaining to anyone who would listen that I had been walking to a neighboring state to live with my father when the police returned me to my mom. When my mother told me to do something I ignored her and talked to her about her about how adultery is wrong and nobody should bring bastard children into this world. I went off on her like one of those hellfire and wrath preachers even though I'm jewish and don't believe any of it anyway. When my stepfather told me to do something I ignored him and usually responded with racial slurs.

Guess who was permanently sent to dad's within two months?

SS is 13. In former times he'd be considered an adult. In many religions he is considered an adult. He's old enough to make his own choices. The reason why judges are supposed to consider what the child wants if the child is older than 13 when they make these decisions is because you can't really tell a 13 year old what to do anymore if he decides he's not going to listen to you. If SS decides he wants to extra time with dad or he wants to live with dad there is precious little BM is going to be able to do to stop him. You don't need to file in court. SS can turn his mothers life into a living hell until she begs you to take him. I do not advocate in any way encouraging SS to do this. Simply make sure he is aware of life events that pertain to him. Do not offer an opinion on them. Do not encourage bad behavior, but do not discourage it either. Let SS do what he's going to do. It really is up to him at this point.

Why not just go down to the court house the next time you have all the kids and just do it? Have a party later for friends and family but that way your kids and SS can be there since it seems to me  anyways that is the ultimate goal in why you picked the date you did in the first place.  Don't tell BM so she cant throw a monkey wrench into your plans. Just pick SS up and be like surprise! We're getting married today! You can even schedule after hours appointments in our area...  Might have to check with your local courthouse.