Well at least SS14 acknowledged DH for Christmas
Sure... It was a text that said "it isn't my mom's fault I haven't answered your calls or texted you today" - then nothing else... But Hey! At least we got that!
All DH did was after trying for several hours to reach SS, he texted BM and said "Would you please have SS call me today for Christmas?" So... Yeah... we were super hostile towards her.
How do you guys do it? How do you look these kids in the eye after them behaving like A$$holes to the man/woman you married and not punch them in their little smug face?? Seriously! I really think that SS is going to wind up on vacation with us in March. How do I not throw him overboard? I love my husband so much. He is such a wonderful man and father. A very small person inside of me wants SS to FEEL the hurt that he has caused his father. I know that isn't right, I know that I am the adult and a parent... But I still want my freaking jabs. I guess I need to start reading up on all the evil stepmothers so that I can do my best stepmother job EVER for SS14. Which is really just sad, because up until Sept. I thought I had hit the jackpot with my skids. They were both just awesome. At least SS18 is still a good kid- inspite of all of his issues.
PS- In case anyone can't tell- I am not going to hurt SS in anyway shape or form. I will just find a way to be drunk and ignore him for a week. Shouldn't be that hard on a cruise. Plus I have 3 other teenagers/preteens on board that love both DH and I and will hang out with me whenever I want away from SS14.
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I wouldn't doubt for one
I wouldn't doubt for one second that YSS may not attend your vacation in March at the rate the alienation is progressing. I didn't have to see my SD yesterday. Thank goodness.
Don't throw him overboard.
Don't throw him overboard. You have to make it look like an accident.... Kidding!!! (dark sense of humor...)
Honestly him saying that reinforces the alienation to me. She probably didn't even show him the texts. Probably just pulled the "woe is me! Your father thinks everything is my fault! My life is so hard! He thinks I stoppe dyou from calling." Then once he was all emotionally worked up, he texted your DH pissed off.
If the skids ever DID treat DH like that, DH would have to be around 100% of the time. Because I'm not sure I trust I wouldn't slug that smug look off their faces. So the fact you haven't yet, I think speaks leaps and volumes about how awesome you are.
The only reason he hasn't had
The only reason he hasn't had the verbal lashing from me that he knows damn well is coming- becasue I can't control my mouth - is because he won't pick up the phone when I call or answer a text or visit us at all. However, I almost can't wait to see him get off the plane and have to face the rest of us. It will be pretty sweet. In the end, he is a good kid with a big heart. This isn't him.
JustMakingtheBest I totally
JustMakingtheBest I totally get it, I had those feelings when Spawn lived with us. I always envisioned a showdown at some point where I finally let out all the pent up anger and frustration and put her squarely in her place.
Of course this never happened and over the years I have realized how little good it would do to even waste my time trying to get her to understand how DH or I feel.
I have a feeling SS will not be attending on the cruise with you guys, so don't worry about having to throw him overboard...lol.
I struggle with this every
I struggle with this every day. I hate how SS18 treats DH, just to make his mommy happy, and while I was civil to him the last time he came over, I do not plan to have any contact with him going forward unless he apologizes to DH and acknowledges his mother's interference (HAHAHAHAHAHA). But I know that will hurt DH even more if I stop having any contact with SS.
I just want to punch SS right in his face. I no longer think of him as a victim of PAS. He's aligned himself with the more powerful parent and reaps all the benefits from that - gets whatever he wants, all the time.
I have a hard time believing
I have a hard time believing that SS is who responded to your DH. It makes BM's PAS job so much easier if she relays that DH NEVER contacts versus crying how mean he is. I think the judge recognized that and that's why the GAL was assigned. SS saying he never hears from you except when you are in town is counter to any evidence you produce, and a GAL will get to the bottom of "the truth".
Your SS is one that I truly pity. I think he loves his dad and wants to see him, which just drives BM to cut off contact. It wouldn't make sense for her to spin a sob story because your SS holds no animosity towards any of you. Cutting off contact completely, then pretending to be SS, makes much more sense.
I agree but I do think it is
I agree but I do think it is SS sending them. I also believe that when DH says something like "please have SS call me"- BM turns it into this giant "your dad is yelling at me and I am a victim! I just want you to be happy and never have to see that horrible man again!! "
Dh sent screen shots of it all to the GAL this morning. SS has missed 3 days of school in Dec- he asked BM about each one as we get the attendence reports from the schools on Monday mornings. BM hasn't responded to anything that Dh sent to her. So the GAL has all of that plus screen shot from both of them when DH talked to the GAL a couple of weeks ago going back to September when everything fell apart.
My SS was 100% the one
My SS was 100% the one responding, though sometimes it was clearly coming from BM's mouth to his fingers. And if DH contacted BM to have her have SS call him, SS would tell her that he didn't want to. PAS'd kids know exactly what to tell the alienating parent to make them happy, so yes, your SS IS telling her he doesn't want to speak to DH. That way BM can be the poor innocent parent who is trying to get him to talk to his father.
It's easy to feel sorry for someone else's skid being in this situation, but when it's your own, it's hard to manage the anger and frustration and powerlessness about how the kid is behaving. It drives me nuts when people try to tell me that SS is a victim and to feel sorry for him. Live a while in my situation and see if you still feel sorry for him.
Tog I agree with you and I
Tog I agree with you and I can also see the BM making to comment to SS "See SS your dad doesn't believe me when I tell him you don't want anything to do with him, he thinks I'm lying and texting all those things..."
I also understand not feeling sorry for them either, I used to get "But Spawn is just a child." Yes that's true but at 17 and she is agreeing to go along with Meth Mouths bullsh@t plans in court to lie about her dad just to appease her mom, then no!!! She is old enough to know right from wrong and she is CHOOSING to do the wrong thing!
Let me clarify that I don't
Let me clarify that I don't think OP needs to feel sorry or change her position on this. SS either purposefully or not has caused a lot of pain for her family, and her feelings are justified. That being said, I still feel bad for SS for being put in the middle of his BM's mind games. SS is a victim, but by the time he realizes that he also perpetuated this (if he ever does), it may be too late to salvage relationships with others.
LT I compeletly agree. SS is
LT I compeletly agree. SS is a victim. He is like a little puppet for mommy dearest. It is disgusting. By the time he cuts those strings, if ever, it may be too late for his relationship with 1/2 of his family. However, I do realize that teenager are STUPID just naturally. His relationship with me at this point is salvageable and so is his with his brother and my bios. We are all hurt and angry. That happens in families. We can move on, we just have to have time with him to be able to heal.
Yes, they are victims - but
Yes, they are victims - but at some point they become abusers themselves, and that's the point at which I no longer feel sorry for my SS.
IMO, it is too late for us to have any real relationship with him, I'm just quicker to give up than DH, for good reason.
At least your DH is smart in
At least your DH is smart in sending texts versus calling her. I also think BM has gotten in way over her head, and she's going to get really stupid in how she handles this from here on out.
Good luck with this!
The GAL wasn't impressed with
The GAL wasn't impressed with her this morning when he responded to DH. So YAY for us!!
I used to feel horrible for
I used to feel horrible for the kids, but I agree with Tog- as time goes on and you see more and more of the kids behaviour it makes it very difficult to feel sorry for them because of the severe level of harm they intentionally cause.
What people don’t understand about true and real parental alienation is that there comes a time when the kid does become a huge instigator in it as well and although they have been manipulated over time- at some point some of the responsibility does fall on them too (particularly when they are older). I liken It to someone whose parents are rude- if they bully and beat up a kid at school are they just innocent because that is what they see their parents do? Even though they are old enough to know right from wrong?
The thing is is that often these kids wouldn’t even dream of treating a stranger poorly but they have no problem being abusive to their parent who hasn’t done anything to them. They do it to get more validation and favours from the other parent. Yes it is a parent causing it and stirring it up and manipulating then sitting back and being all “I can’t force them” “how dare you blame me!!”.... with a smug smile on their face. But at a certain age the kids are willing and active participants and it just becomes very hard to feel sorry for them when they play into this mob mentality.
They KNOW what they are doing is wrong (because they don’t treat others like this) but decide for themselves that the validation from the other parent is more important to them. The kid is also getting some kind of sick pleasure out of it all too- and it is just really difficult to look past that.
Yes. In our case, SS texted
Yes. In our case, SS texted DH "Yes, I lied, but I'm a good person and nice to people who treat me right", thereby justifying his years of abuse of his father.
At 12, I felt bad for him, when he was still ambivalent and trying to love both parents. Now, IMO, he's taken the easiest way out, the path of least resistance, as he always does. And justifying it to himself.
Tog- I honestly don't know
Tog- I honestly don't know how you guys have done it....
Tog, I hope your skid ends up
Tog, I hope your skid ends up back in Canada, freezing his arse off, struggling and friendless. Maybe that will wake him up.
ME TOO. Except that it would
ME TOO. Except that it would break DH's heart.
I can relate!! PAS is
I can relate!! PAS is horrible to experience- I’ve been living it for years, and I honestly think that it is even more emotionally challenging on step parents. With the bio parents they get sad but then also excuse and find ways to justify the behaviour and in a way can even get defensive over it (they are blood after all) but for the step parent you can see it for exactly what it is, and you just sort of have to accept it all and not say much about it, and try to keep your home as peaceful as possible with all that going on.
It is very frustrating knowing that your DH is feeling sad on special occasions (even though they won’t say it) all because of some psycho HCBM who just can’t let go of trying to cause pain and harm years and years and years after the fact. They have the ability to harm your home and family from afar by using the kids as weapons and mini-manipulators to help in their cause.
My SKIDS used to be like how yours is being but now have been FULLY alienated the past 4-5 months and DH has not seen or heard a word from them in that whole time because they just absolutely refuse and court won’t force them because they are apparently old enough to make choices.
I have read and done endless research trying to help DH out over the past couple years..... but I also know deep down it isn’t fair to me. You have to live in this dysfunctional family as a spectator who hasn’t done anything to cause it, cannot fix it and just has to witness your DH being abused .
I have also noticed that at some points I feel like the villain- when things start fo get to me it seems to always be brought back to beIng all about how DH is a victim in it all, how this is his past life and all about him.... and how he is now “getting it from both sides” it seems to not matter so much about how I feel about it all.
It is a very tough place for a step parent to be. You don’t really get a life yourself, you either try to hide from it (disengage) or help your DH live through it with his past life consuming you both and being all up in your face in this super agreasive way (which I now find often feels like a slap in the face).