DH being understanding.. but is it too late
StepRightOff shared some much needed links on my last blog.
I sent those links to my DH a few days ago. He read the articles and has been talking with about step life from my point of view. He has been like a different person to the man I knew a week ago.
I now wonder if he had access to a SP point of view (other than me) before if it would have helped us or made it easier for him to at least try to understand me. Instead we had become enemies.
I have found an apartment to move into. I don't have a move in date yet, but it should be reasonably soon.
My DH wants us to try start over. He has admitted that we never really had much time just dating in the beginning and that he forced the 'instant family' as soon as he could. He has expressed his regret for trying to make me the new mom and for having expectations that he never even communicated with me. He also admitted to getting instantly angry and defensive any time I would say anything about SS.
I'm inclined to at least try work with him and see if we can salvage anything. But I am also wondering if he is just having a reaction to the fact that I am leaving and just acting out of temporary panic.
I don't know if it's all too soon to be even considering a possible reconciliation.
I will admit that he really has made a huge effort to understand and hear me out. He has acknowledged his part in why the relationship broke down. It has been helpful to actually be able to talk to him without it all blowing up in my face like it used to.
My concern is that there may be irreparable damage. After the way his family have treated me I am not sure if I could ever see them again. I don't know if I could even live in the same house as SS again unless he got some professional help. While DH and I can talk and work through things a 7 year old kid will just continue to do what he does. SS has some serious problems that can only get worse as he ages. DH has said that a friend of his just recently suggested that SS get some therapy. I don't know. Maybe I should just take things one day at a time for now. I intend to focus on myself more and try find the old me again. I also need to work on loosing the 50lb's I gained since meeting DH. I was stress eating and drinking for a long time to numb myself.
I'm disappointed in myself for doing that.
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Comments
I can't speak for your
I can't speak for your situation, but if I were at this point, I would go ahead and move out if possible.
There is nothing that says you can't work this out with DH but doing it in a separate domicile can allow you to keep perspective and get right with yourself, achieve your goals, find the old you. It could go miles to help you discover each other in a different way and would help you know if this is really what you want for your life...
Thank you. I am planning to
Thank you.
I am planning to move out regardless.
I have many things that I need to work out for just myself first. I still have a lot of hurt to work through.
Thank you once again for
Thank you once again for taking the time to help me.
You are a very strong woman and I admire how you have chosen to put yourself first.
It can't be easy planning something as big as moving out for so long. That takes patience and a calm mind.
I'm wishing you the very best!!
My DH knows that I want to move out. It's the only thing I can think to do at this point. SS is full time and I don't think DH and I would be able to focus on just us for any amount of time. I need to be away from the chaos and constant interruptions. DH will have to make an effort to find time for just us with us living separately.
I need time to figure out what I want and what I am willing to do. I need time to know what my conditions and limits would be.
DH has stood up for me with his family. But that was only after reading through the links you had shared and after talking with me. As far as I know he has only shared the links with his mom and has not talked about the situation with his older brother and dad again.
Sending you hugs Hon, you
Sending you hugs Hon, you will get through this and only you can decide,
I went through this last year, we broke up, SO came back after 2 weeks... (I know we do not live together but after 14 years it was just as hard)
We talked, we made dates to see each other, I made it clear I want to see changes and I do not want to see his daughter till I'm ready.
I did not see the little cow for 4 months and when she came to the holiday house with her friends, SO told her NO, she did not inform us beforehand, they have to leave, I'm not their maid and no one will be sleeping in the living room on the coaches, Aergia was not happy but SO supported me,
Then I saw her only last week-end after another 2 months, SO is making it clear to her, I'm his partner and he will support me... she does not like it much.
Sometimes he will turn into Disney Dad and I simply retreat again, but I took my time with therapy, finding myself and become the person I was before step life with him, he was not happy about it but I simply said, I'm a human being with needs, just like you and if my needs are not met, I'm leaving..... We are still on the dating thing, once a week he has to cook dinner and treat me, SO even agreed to walk with me in the evenings, we do more things I enjoy, it's not all about SO anymore.... and I'm very happy, I will still say to him, nah let's do what you want to do the week-end, even if I don;t like it, but I like the fact that he can ask me what about doing this or that.... so we both are learning to compromise, we will never be what we use to be, we both will be different, cause we both got hurt, but I think being different is good, we are working on the trust and communication now....
Everything you and your SO
Everything you and your SO are working on are what my DH and I need to work on.
Trust will be hard for me, but I will give him an opportunity to at least try to show me that I can trust him again.
It's good to have a break up
It's good to have a break up and some alone time, you will know if you still love him or not. Then find yourself and do what makes you happy,
Your DH will only change if he has some alone time to think if he loves you or not, it sounds harsh but I think people take each other for granted and forget why they started dating in the first place.... I simply wanted that back...
Then you both work on it, trust is not something that comes over night, but I know communication can happen very quickly
Killjoy has been in therapy
Killjoy has been in therapy since she was six with very little improvement. Personality is set by age 7. If DH did a complete 180, there is still no guarantee SS7's personality will improve. Plus the bitterness towards him for being a PITA so much in the past. You might have to consider whether or not you'd be okay with living separate until he launches.
This is my biggest fear. I
This is my biggest fear.
I can see that DH is trying to make an effort now, but I have no idea if the SS issues will change or not.
I also know that my DH can't say that SS will improve, he can only try to help his kid.
Right at this moment in time I do not have any warm feelings towards SS. I often wonder if he is just going to become better and more skilled with his unpleasant ways as he gets older. He has shown the potential to become one of those kids that set the house on fire because they are mad at their parents. He has been destructive and spiteful for a couple of years now. He has shown aggression towards the dog because the dog would play with him. He has hurt the dog because he was jealous that his dad showed the dog affection. To me that is very abnormal behaviour. It's behaviour that needs professional help. He took a rock and scraped my car door because he was mad that DH asked him to play outside. And many other similar things.
You can still move out and
You can still move out and work on the relationship. DH and I fought like cats and dogs in the beginning. I moved out for 10 months. We both worked on ourselves and the relationship. It saved us. Anytime it comes up, I say it was the best thing we ever did.
If you want to save the relationship, Move out. Let DH work on getting SS the help he needs. Date for real. Set clear boundaries regarding how you are willing to participate with SS.
Good Luck
Thank you! I ultimately do
Thank you!
I ultimately do not want to live apart from my DH, but I know that I need to. It's a very hard choice that I will see through.
If you do decide to work it
If you do decide to work it out... Consider living separately and treating it more like a dating relationship until you figure out if YOU can and want to move foreword... That gives you both time to think and REALLY realize things.
He has admitted that we never
He has admitted that we never really had much time just dating in the beginning and that he forced the 'instant family' as soon as he could.
Then, stick to your plans to move out and the two of you can start over and date. I think it would be good for both of you, but it will be really good for him to parent his kid on his own, which is what he should have been doing in the first place.
And yes, he may very well just be panicking, so I would let him handle things, without you there, and see what happens.
I don't blame you for not wanting to see his family AND I would be wondering what he has said to them, behind your back.
Stay strong.
Thank you! Some trust has
Thank you!
Some trust has been broken with regards to his talking to his family and them all making a very big decision behind my back.
It's up to you - but IF you
It's up to you - but IF you decide to try and work things out, and IF it's finally clicked with DH, this much needs to be clear:
HE IS THE ONE THAT WILL HAVE TO TAKE THE HIT
-he will need to sit his family down and make it sink in to them, IN FRONT OF YOU.
-he will need to stand up for you to his family.
-he will need to shovel a lot of poop to make things right.
Nothing stopping you from saving up for a few months and leaving then, if things don't work out THIS TIME.
Wise words.. thank you! I
Wise words.. thank you!
I have set it in motion to move out very soon.
I have encouraged DH to be reasonable and level headed when talking with his family.
They are 100% kidcentric and will not likely see things differently anytime soon.
I do not want to DH to cause any damage with his relationship with his family, instead I hope that he will be understanding to how they see things and at least take the time to try explain the situation in a calm manner.
I've never been in your
I've never been in your situation, so I can't begin to guess what I'd actually do or what is the best thing to do. Looking at the situation from afar, I think I'd get myself out of the situation. That child frightens me with what he's already done, and I suspect it will only get worse. A child who is deliberately damaging your car because he's angry and harming animals is not one I'd ever want to be around. Even if your DH changes his ways and becomes an ideal husband, SS may never change. He sounds very troubled. If you want to give the relationship a try in spite of SS, it's probably best to move out, "date" your husband, and wait for concrete changes in your husband and evidence that SS is getting help and improving.