Are we asking too much?

Two years ago, SC (step-child) came out as gay. 6 weeks ago, they came out as non-binary and asked us to use their preferred name/pronouns. No problem. We slip up occasionally but try to correct ourselves as quickly as possible (it’s difficult to suddenly change after a lifetime of one name/gender). Keep in mind we are talking about a supposed adult as they are over 18.

Here’s the problem. They have a bad habit of using a word that used to be used in a very derogatory way for anyone who wasn’t straight when their father and I were growing up. It is the word qu**r. Well, after they used the word last night, doofus tried to use the word thinking that since they use it, he could. Personally, I don’t like the word at all. Apparently, it’s like the n word. Kind of like the fact that white people can’t use the n word, only they (the SC) can use it, not straight people. They then proceeded to lecture their father on how they can use is all they want, but it’s wrong if he does.

Well, since we find it offensive still, we asked them to not use it in our presence. That did not go over well. Cue the crying, screaming, saying that we are “suppressing” who they are by asking that of them, slamming doors, etc., etc. Never mind the fact that we have bent over backwards to use the name/pronouns they want. They wouldn’t accept the fact that it is our house and don’t get to decide what language is acceptable (btw- we also don’t allow the n-word, dropping f-bombs constantly or the c-word, so it’s not specific to the one word they want to use). By the end of the night, doofus told them that if they can’t refrain from using that word in our presence, then they need to go live with their mother.

I guess my question is, are we being unreasonable to expect this concession from them as it is our house, they don’t pay for anything, and haven’t even gotten a job since they finished the college year? They tried to tell us we have to accept their use of it even though for us, it has horrible connotations.

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Bratty

You must have Bratty McBratFace's twin because she also expects everyone to bend to her wishes.

We also accomodate her chosen name/pronouns (non-binary also).

I don't have an objection to the q-word - it used to be derogatory but the LGBT community took ownership of the word and turned it into part of their vocabulary.

That being said, its your house your rules - so no you're not being unreasonable at all. Your SC can find an alternate word to use instead and it should not result in a tantrum.

And they should be looking for a job and spending more time in the real world - which actually won't bend to all their wishes all the time.

home language

There's friend language, home language, and public language. The standards for each are different. My take is that the people paying the bills, paying for the home, decide home language. So, in my opinion, for what it's worth, you are not wrong.

Adult, finished school, threatens to move out, go live with other parent. Let me help you pack your bags. (and I'll call the locksmith to rekey the doors after you leave).

Exactly! We aren't asking

Exactly! We aren't asking them not to use it. We are only asking that it not be used around us.

Your house, you get to make

Your house, you get to make this decision. If they don't like your rules, they can leave.

Yep

If you're 'suppressing' who they are, then I would tell them they should make plans to live elsewhere in the next 60 days. Otherwise they should apologize for their tantrum, door-slamming, etc.

I would also tell them if they did that again, they are out. Ridiculous entitled behavior - they are trying to play victim and guilt-trip you guys. Don't let them.

Unfortunately, unless their

Unfortunately, unless their dad keeps his backbone, I can't force the issue.

Your SK can't have it both

Your SK can't have it both ways. If it's derogatory, and you don't allow derogatory words used in your home, then no one uses it. If it's only derogatory for some people to use it, then it's still derogatory and no one in your home uses it.

I say this as a bisexual, gender non-comforming, she/they pronoun-using queer person. Queer can be a derogatory word to some even if it isn't to me. If someone tells me they're uncomfortable with its use, I don't use it.

We have a lot of words in the English language that have dual connotations. Gay refers to someone who is sexually attracted to only their same sex and/or gender. It also means happy. It also is used as a derogatory term to shame people. Retard is another word that falls into the same category. Female is now falling into that same category. Queer, funnily enough, falls into that category.

The difference that I see between queer and the N-word is that "queer" is an identity. People identify themselves by that word. It's very difficult to show respect towards someone's identity when you can't use the word they want to be identified as.

Do I think your DH was wrong to use the word? I have no idea. If your SK was being derogatory with the use of it, then yes, your DH (AND SK) was wrong. But, if someone (like me) identifies as queer, and wants to be identified by others as queer, then people shouldn't gatekeep that.

I will say, though, that young LGBTQ+ folks tend to be far more sensitive about language usage. They're usually newly out and newly entering the community itself. It makes them less tolerant of people learning and trying. That's not to say folks shouldn't learn appropriate terminology and respect pronouns. It's a learning process on both sides, and being overzealous is part of that process. Offer grace, but stand firm. Context is important, and until context can be established, your request that the word not be used is valid.

Thank you! I think that's the

Thank you! I think that's the problem. They call themselves that, but insist only people in their community can use it. That's what triggered the temper tantrum. Their father asked why and all they kept yelling was that he just isn't "allowed" to.

Yeah, that's not how that

Yeah, that's not how that works. Sure, as a straight man, your DH shouldn't just walk up to a group of gay folks and say, "what up qu**rs!" That's inappropriate. But saying, "yes, my child identifies as queer" isn't problematic. If your SK finds it problematic, then they need to not identify themselves by that term to those they don't want using it. It's a bit like calling yourself a b*tch but then getting upset when someone else calls you that.

Just had this same conversation

You and your DH decide what's acceptable to say in your home.

I had this convo with my daughter yesterday. I am of the same view that if a word is offensive, nobody should say it. I just dropped her off at a party with her friends who are all gay, trans, or some variation. She got out and said "What's up qu**rs!" That's them and what they say amongst themselves is their business. But, if it's offensive to hear certain people say it around them, they should not say it around the people they don't want saying it, if that makes any sense. I think that's just class and manners, and not starting any unnecessary drama.

In any case, we don't say that word or other "trigger" words that are known to offend certain groups in our home. That's my rule.

Q@@r eye for the str8ght guy

I used to love that show. It normalised something that was at one time considered a shameful thing. Im in California, near to San Francisco, and I have folks in my world who are non-binary. My skid has her high school friends who are also coming out as either gay or non-binary. A cousin did this as well. Most seem very calm about explaining how "they/They" wish to be identified. Some use it as a platform for attacking others. Sd15 seems very much to be trying with her friends, from what she tells me. And I have asked her how she identifies. She currently identifies as she/She.

That being said, I do not think you are out of line. They/they are definitely out of line. You all pay the bills, THEY do not. Hopefully you will get a heartfelt sincere apology soon. At 18 this is old enough to know better. Language being what it is, if its offensive its offensive and should not be used.

I think personally it's just

I think personally it's just all over the top ridiculous how they are acting and this 'I can use the word you can't' when it comes to identity. Or getting offended because people don't immediately call you 'they' - build a bridge m'fer.

As to the word female lieutenant mentioned...can you explain? Are you saying certain groups are now saying FEMALE is offensive/wrong? Because over my dead body will I stop using it. It borders on insanity sometimes.

Female has been used by

Female has been used by certain groups (sterotypically men who might be identified as incels or "red pills") as a derogatory word toward women, stripping them of their humanity. Basically, instead of addressing characteristics of an individual woman, the word "female" will be used to imply that the negative characteristic is intrinsic to someone with XX chromosomes, and those characteristics are animalistic in nature.

"Females just like to cry a lot."

"Females will do anything to strip fathers of their rights."

"Females will always leave you with blue balls."

OH wow! Ok, yeah I've read

OH wow! Ok, yeah I've read of those incel groups...that said, I don't think they are known enough to take away from the word female....let them have their own darn echo chamber outside of the real world. Those 'men' are despicable human beings.

It's creeping out of incel

It's creeping out of incel groups, though. I hear it used by "intellectuals" when discussing patriarchy and feminism. I've been paying attention to it because once it starts getting used on Facebook where names are associated with the term, I start worrying.

The whole world doesn’t have to change

Because SK are gay, It's up to them to deal with what to be called after being one way for 18 or so years but now over night it different. Over night to other people. Slip up are bound to happen. But everyone must be respectful

I really have to laugh at the

I really have to laugh at the closed narrow mindedness of today's youth...everything they say and do must be accepted, but if you ask for acceptance of your own values and beliefs they are offended and don't have to follow your wishes...ahh fickle youth.

EXACTLY!! What they want,

EXACTLY!! What they want, what they think, what their rights are, what they believe... They are always right and you can't have your own opinion without being wrong if it crosses what they believe

This seems to be everyone now.. I mean... look at what the election did. No one can agree to disagree anymore. People lost friends and family over what THEY thought was right. I often find myself reading strangers arguing with each other on the book over anything and everything.. Entertainment for me.