New Here! First Vent: I HATE the BM
My husband and I have been together for six years, married for two. We are both artists and gig workers, though I also have a full-time job, and he primarily works nights. He has a 15-year-old son from his previous marriage. When my husband and I first got together, the boy was 9, and my husband and his ex-wife were freshly divorced. It was a nasty divorce, too, so I sacrificed my feelings and finances and did everything I could to ensure the child felt comfortable in my home because I knew he must be going through a lot.
In the beginning, when I was just the girlfriend, I did the most for the son - I made him home-cooked meals, packed school lunches for him, picked him up/dropped him off, took him out for dinners and breakfasts, paid for trips to the beach and lavish Christmases and birthdays, etc., etc., all on a meager income. In all that time, I never got a nod from BM - not a thank you, nothing, not even by way of the kid (e.g., a card on my birthday, a present on Christmas). My husband even asked her if she would like to meet for coffee with me, since I would be in her son’s life, and she said she’d consider it, but nothing came of that. I really wanted the meeting because her son could be sassy and disrespectful to me, and I wanted to know from her what she was comfortable with me doing in those moments. I didn’t really have her blessing to discipline him or call him out (I suppose I could have done so anyway, but I didn’t know if that would just create more trouble for my husband), so I just absorbed his blows. Some nights I’d just cry myself to sleep from SS's crappy comments about my food, the comparisons he’d make of me to his mother, and the stress of it all. Nonetheless, I was always courteous to BM and tried to establish a line of cordial/friendly communication. Since my husband works nights, before SS had his own mobile device, she would send me texts at night asking if I could pass my phone to her son so she could call and say goodnight to him, and I would always respond quickly and kindly. After he got an iPad at age 12-ish, followed by his own iPhone thereafter, all texts from her ceased. In fact, I haven’t really heard from her since.
My husband and BM never had an official CS arrangement, just a sort of gentleman’s agreement. She’d always say it was because she thought the two of them could/should handle things in a “friendly" way and without lawyers, but I think it was for other more nefarious reasons: 1) She loves my husband’s family and wanted to keep them in her lives (effectively barring me from having any kind of real relationship with them, even though they are now my in-laws, because they prefer her), and 2) so she could continue to manipulate and wound my husband. Even though he has always had one job, once she had the kid, she wanted him to “man up” and do something more traditional that made more money. He wasn’t amenable to giving up his hard-fought-for profession, and that’s where things started to unravel. He doesn’t make that much, never has, yet she wanted a husband with a 9-5, even though that’s not who she married.
My husband’s father passed away during the pandemic, and she capitalized on his death to gouge my husband for more CS than he can afford, banking on the small inheritance he received from his dad’s passing (she originally asked for $20K and an outrageous monthly payment, and we talked her down to a more reasonable but still ridiculous amount). As a gig worker, he smartly put away the bulk of that money for retirement or emergencies, so he’s paying the CS via his own small income - the nest egg is only backup. Of course, this directly affects me - I have put my dreams on hold so I can cover what he can’t re: our housing costs, groceries, bills, etc. - so he can make these CS payments. He agreed to give BM an amount he can barely afford for the remaining five CS years, plus a handsome lump sum (to make up from his inability to pay CS in those early years after she’d kicked him out of the house and he was getting back up on his feet) so that she’d have all the money she needs and would leave us alone. They signed a contract, had it notarized and blessed by the court system, and we figured that would get her off our backs until SS turns 18.
But now, nearly 2.5 years into the contract, she is asking for extras. My husband can’t afford extras, so he tells her to use the money he is already providing, and when he says that, she berates him, chastises him, emasculates him, belittles him using rationalizations of what “good parents” do, etc. She also point-blank admitted to not even needing his funds, that she is more than capable of providing for herself and her son, but that she needs my husband to pay for half of extras as a matter of principle. HE CAN’T AFFORD TO GIVE MORE. He barely contributes to our home and is always living gig to gig. If he regularly dips into his inheritance to give her more money, he’d end up owing taxes on what he takes out, and his tiny retirement fund would dwindle down to an even more useless amount.
I HATE BM, and I have to be in this situation for 2.5+ more years, and I’m not sure I can bear it. I hate how she still tries to control my husband, how she sows seeds of discord between my husband and me by creating stress and financial instability in our marriage, and how she uses their child as a pawn to continue to talk down to and gouge my husband - and, by association, me - for even more money. I’m really at my wit’s end with it, and I want to just run screaming from this entire situation. I love my husband, but we don’t have kids, and sometimes I fantasize about leaving this marriage and just moving far away where I don’t have to be stressed out by BM and SS and my husband’s in-laws who are Team Ex-Wife and have never given me the time of day. It’s exhausting, and I feel like I deserve better. Everyone says “it will be over soon,” but time is precious, and 2.5 more years of my life is a long time to be miserable. Just hoping I could get some support in this group - thanks in advance for any words of encouragement.
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Comments
You've come to the right place
I wont say more now but you're in the right place.
He needs to find the state CS
He needs to find the state CS calculator online and find out what he should pay. He also needs to get a regular job to cover HIS expenses. Stop enabling him to continue on by filling in the holes with your funds. Separate your money and only pay for half of your household expenses.
A court order would go a long way to helping this situation.
He needs to be more afraid of upsetting YOU than her.
Your DH should have never
Welcome, you've come to the right place. We all generally despise BM on this site for one reason or another and we have all had the worst of the worst stepparent experiences.
Your DH should have never come up with a CS agreement outside of the courts. When this happens, the BMs tend to ask for a ridiculous amount and then when they get it entered into the courts, it sets a precedence. DH should have let BM file for CS and let the courts calculate his earnings versus her earnings, versus time sharing. He is likely paying too much, but the courts would likely say "he's been paying it" and keep it at that amount, even if it is too high.
The only plus about a CS order is that it is all DH is legally obligated to pay. BM can hound him and hound him for more money, but she isn't legally entitled to another cent. DH can ignore her every single time she hounds, berates, belittles, etc.
Luckily, with SS being as old as he is, you are almost done, even if it doesn't feel like it. I would die to only have 2 to 3 years left (I have 7 years left). I would tell DH that you guys are splitting household expenses and he has to come up with his half. You don't care how he does it, but if he can't help you pay the bills, it will only caused increased resentment.
Thank you
Thank you for this feedback. I agree with all you said. I think BM played to his divorced-dad guilt and his inability to pay consistent CS for a few years in the beginning at a critical/sensitive time in my husband's life (literally on the heels of his father's death), and he didn't think any of this through and just signed on the dotted line. The plus side of it is that his CS agreement is in DC, which stipulates CS until SS is 21, but their CS agreement ends when the kid is 18. I still think he'd be paying less overall if he'd gone through the court system, even with an additional three years' CS, but it does end this nightmare faster. I just don't know how I'm going to get through it. Thanks to you and your comment though, I feel less alone. I really appreciate it.
I think you'll find this site
I think you'll find this site welcoming. I have been posting/reading for 2.5 years, despite being in a SM role for the past 10 years. I found this site when I was at my breaking point during our traumatic custody battle and BM just would not relent in her emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse toward DH and I. Post when you need to. Some advice may be constructive, but it really helps you to grow and reflect. I have found so much peace and validation through this site and it has equipped me with tools to protect my sanity through the toxicity. I hope you will find that too!
Hello! I also have a crap BM
Hello! I also have a crap BM to deal with but instead of asking for money, she fights tooth and nail to prevent SO from getting a single minute more with his kids that what the court order allows.
Can your DH just ignore her when she makes these requests? It seems like whatever agreement he signed is what they are both following. Any other request from her is extra. Your DH don't have to listen to/read BMs belittling.. don't let it bother you guys. I completely understand it's easier said than done, I'm still going through something similar myself. 2.5 years sounds like a dream compared to almost 8 over here ugh.
Is your relationship with SS any better now that he's older?
Thank you
Thank you! Yes, after a weekend of stressing out about her bullying - and getting lots of people's feedback - ignoring her is the way DH is going to go. Let her holler all she wants; they have an agreement - the end. I hope it helps moving forward becuase her ranting and raving causes me so much anxiety, but I don't see her relenting because she's bitter and jealous.
I would say my relationship with SS is fine. He stays with us one night a week, and for the most part I check out. I was Super Girlfriend for so many years for little to no reward, and I eventually decided I didn't need to kill myself anymore. He has a mom. His one night a week at our house is his night with his dad. I make that night my wellness night, go to the gym, eat out, and usually come home after SS has gone to bed. I've decided I don't have to be Super Stepmom, and I don't have to succumb to societal pressures to be maternal. When I was doing too much, both DH and BM took advantage of me, and I didn't become the backup babysitter/financier by default in choosing this relationship. DH has to put in his time with his kid; my time with him is optional, so I've pretty much opted out. When I run into him here and there, he's pretty polite to me, and I have no issues with him at this juncture, I just don't want to take on more responsibility, so I don't. DH has explained to him that I am concerned with making sure he gets an appropriate amount of time with his dad every week, so I leave to give them their father-son space, and he seems to get that. Doesn't mean I'm not counting down to the finish line though... UGH.
P.S.
P.S. I'm sorry for your crap BM, too. They're awful. I really think so much of these battles are rooted in envy on their part or their penchant for punishment and revenge. I started with 8 years and 8 months to 18 - now I'm at 2 years and 9 months, and the end can't come soon enough. I just hope my marriage survives all of this because I do not enjoy it. I don't think DHs have any idea how much we take on to make all of this work.
We're in it together against
We're in it together against these awful BMs. I'm glad you're able to mostly disengage and have a peaceful household with DH and SS. I'm still working on that! I also have a hard time ignoring BM because I get protective of my partner, even though he is perfectly fine fending for himself against her. You're spot on about BMs' need for revenge against SO.. I could write a book on it. Glad you're able to vent here!
YES!
Thank goodness we have each other to vent. My mom passed away two years ago, and she was my soundboard. Without her I've had little in the way of support. So thank you for your kind words.
So sorry to read of your
So sorry to read of your mother's death. I lost my own beloved mom 4 years ago and still miss her terribly. It's not surprising that you're finding it more difficult to cope with a HCBM, lacking your mother's support and guidance! I continue to carry on one-way conversations with Mom and, although that sounds a little unbalanced, it works for me.
It's been decades since I had to deal with 'The Screamer', my own HCBM; she was a piece of work! Trust me, you'll eventually look back on your current, fraught situation and laugh. Hang in there and illegitimi non carborundum!
I guess the thing I would
I guess the thing I would remind you is that your husband is his son's parent too. You should be looking to him for the appreciation and support in what you do for his son. BM does not have to nor should you expect one iota of appreciation from her.. what you are doing for her son is holding up your husband's responsibility towards his son.. not hers.. she is handling hers on her time. So.. HE thanks you.. not her. I hope he does considering how much he lays on you.
And.. to an extent.. I can see her frustration.. because.. I understand he is an artist.. but he created a kid.. kid deserves and needs to have financial support.. sometimes we need to "grow up" and realize that we have responsibilty and that means that not all our dreams and goals can take center stage.
And.. it's not your job to subsidize him.. unless that is something YOU want to do.. it is 100% voluntary... his choice is to figure out how to make it work.. maybe that means giving up his profession and doing something more financially rewarding?
But.. as others said.. you are getting fairly close to the end.. a big legal fight is probably not worth it at this point.
I know it sucks.. but your husband should be the one giving you guidance on what boundaries and consequences his son gets.. he shouldn't be allowing you to be abused by his son.. THAT is on him.. as a father.. he raises his son to respect you... and I get it.. teens are tough.. even good teens can be little brats.. but his father should be holding his feet to the fire.
In the end.. you may need to disengage.. if your husband and his son don't fully appreciate what you do... then don't do it! pull back.. let your husband care for his kid.. cook for him.. make sure his lunch is packed.. or teach his son to do it. BM? she got the deal she bargained for.. hind sight is 2020.. I'm sure it would have been better if years ago your DH fought and went the legal route.. but he may have to live with the deal he made.. and he can set his own boundaries about not paying more than stipulated.. because it's unfair to YOU to make up all the difference!
Yes
Yep! I learned long ago to disengage. I stopped all the meals, outings, favors. Now when SS comes over, I just leave. Neither BM nor DH have tried to cultivate a healthy relationship with me and SS, they just took and expected things. Now I get out of dodge. It forces him to parent, prepare meals, clean up after him, etc.
I hear you re: the artist thing, but I'm stuck there, trust me, I've tried. It isn't fair to anyone, but I'm not sure what I can do about it because he's not giving up his profession. Don't know if you know anyone like him, but they will live and die for their art. I don't know, maybe they deserve to be alone then.
What would he do if you were
What would he do if you were not there? Would he live on the street? I mean.. are you ok shouldering a higher burden for him because he is choosing his profession over making enough money to live. You can want to blame BM.. but the amount he owes likely isn't terrible in normal working person terms.. it's just that his income must be lower.. or inconsistent.
A kid has constant needs.. and the court would likely impute a normal salary expectation on him and the judge would probably telll him that dream or not.. he will support his child.. and once you create a live.. you may no longer have the luxury of following your dreams.. the starving artist route and all.
:/
As I understand it, the courts would make him pay less than half what he's paying now. My friend's ex-husband made more than double what DH makes, and he paid $250 less than what DH is paying. It's all messy. I get what you're saying, but she's not taking him to court, and he's not going to get another job, so that's where we are. I feel a little victim-blamed in this thread for his choices. I know he has parental responsibilities, but he's chosen to do the best he can while staying in his field. It sucks for me, but the kid is not hurting - DH is paying what someone making a very high salary would be paying because he wants to be a responsible parent. I resent the financial strain it places on our marriage, but I resent more that BM asks for even more, especially when she's made it clear she doesn't need his money at all.
I hope you don't see what I'm
I hope you don't see what I'm saying as victim blaming because YOU shouldn't have to be shouldering more cost because of children he made with his EX. It should be his responsibility.. unfortunately.. it seems choices he made in the past in setting up the agreement and his continued career path makes a lot fall onto your plate financially.. which Is NOT your responsibility.. but it is his.
So.. I guess my point was that if you were not in the picture.. he would have to come up with more money somehow.. or suffer a drastic reduction in living expenses.. perhaps it's time for him to try to figure out more ways to bridge the gap.. a gap that is HIS responsibilty.
I don't know why BM makes more demands.. but as kids get older.. their needs do get bigger.. and it's not unusual for things like EC activities to be split separate from CS.. medical costs too. But.. if he can't afford the extras.. he needs to continue to say no.. especially when saying yes means he is obligating YOUR money!
And.. she may claim she doesn't "need" it.. but CS is for the kids technically.. both parents should support them.. unfortunately your DH's profession sounds like it isn't really one where the avg person will have much money.
I wonder if his profession makes him less available for the kids? does he travel for his work? maybe that feeds into the resentment.
Thanks for the clarification
Thanks for clarifying. I agree with all you're saying, but he's not giving up his profession, so anyone who says "he should get a side job," "he should get a real job," it's just not helpful (even though it makes sense even to me, but it's just not going to happen, so it's a moot point). This is what he does. He was doing this when he was married to her, too, so she knows. And he realizes he must pay his share, and he overpays because, yes, you're right, he works mainly nights and can't be as available. He's trying to do the right thing by way of his son, but, yeah, it unfortunately affects me. That's less of my vent - it's more that we're making this sacrifice together and she demands more.
And lack of availability because of his schedule definitely feeds into the resentment ... and that extends to me because I won't take the SS on anymore. If DH isn't available and she needs a sitter or a driver or whatever on an off day or night, I'm not helping. She has sole custody, and I decided that I wouldn't help her so long as she doesn't acknowledge my existence.
Hate to tell you this
Your DH being artists , and not making enough money.., is great when you are living by yourself.. Once you have kids ,you must make a living. Working a normal job,,That pays normal pay. I don't know $ amount.. But maybe he needs a second job.. Maybe he needs to set BM straight. Seams like he still has something for BM.. he's trying to keep her in the way she used to live. That not what happened in divorce..
:/
Art is a real job. :/ Some months are great, and some months are slow. Overall it doesn't pay a CEO's salary, but it's a real field that pays real money. Some people in this field supplement their income, some don't. BM has made it clear she makes more than enough to cover herself and SS. She point-blank wrote that she has no need for his money, just wants him to pay. So he is paying a lot so SS has everything he needs and more so he'll never have to deal with her. She asks for more to goad him and me.
Welcome to the site!
You sound like you have done the right things - disengagement, stop doing, helping, paying for SS. Get out on your own for "you time". You and husband have agreed that you dont need to cave to BM, just follow agreement in place, she can "pound sand" (I love that saying!). You can take it a step further and ask not to hear about her rantings. You dont need to be his emotional feedback loop.
The thing you sound "stuck on" is the paying of common bills. Hopefully you have already separated your finances.
You reallyl need to work out the numbers. I dont understand why he has to give up his art - he can get another job thats full time and more money and still do his art career. I live in a highly artistic community and people make it work. What are the contraints to his paying his fair share?
What kind of art do you do? Just curious.
Thank you
Thank you for this! Yes, disengaging was the best decision I made. I'm a visual artist, and he's a musician. Thanks for suggesting he doesn't have to give up his career (he won't anyway); August is a slow month in the music biz so it hit a nerve this month - usually he's a lot busier.
We do not have combined finances! Thank goodness! I never combined my finances with his.
But you are paying more of
But you are paying more of the costs to live than he is.. so you may not share an account.. but you have combined living expense oblgations.. and you pay more.
I mean.. that's fine if you can live with that. BM may be bitter for a variety of reasons.. it cerrtainly seems she has the lion's share of responsibility caring for their child.. and that could make her bitter.. maybe she thought he would "make it" and there would be more? maybe she thought he would grow out of his full time artist dream and get a conventional job once they had a child.
I get that you can have a real job as an artist.. as a musician.. but he is putting more weight on you since his earnings don't fully cover his obligation (that he allowed to be what it is).. to his child.. and to his own living expenses.
and.. with her basically having full time custody and him only being able to have his son just a little.. the comparison to the other guy's situation could be a completely different animal if he actually has more physical custody.. that factors into it too.
I'm not saying BM is a peach.. but she is doing hard stuff herself.. and saying that she knew what he did when she got together with him is not much different than telling you that you knew what you were in for when you got with him..
Sometimes in steplife.. we have to figure out how to let it go.. because the alternative drives us crazy... you have some big non-negotiables with him.. he will NOT change his earning/job.. so that is a given.. you have to accept it.. his CS is also pretty much a given at this point.. so I would do all I can to make him be the one to deal with BM.. and if it upsets you.. tell him to not tell you about what her demands are!
Aha musician!
We have a VERY small musical community. Very little amount of venues...on the west central coast. We get people from out of town this time of year, its called car week.
Typically musicians have original work ANd do covers. If he is indie, he can sell cds, tshirts and whatnot, if part of a band, well, I notice that musicians are not always paid for gigs, rely on tips, and the marketing seems to be "here are the pics and videos of what happened last night, you should have been there!".
I used to do taxes and worked for local cpa. We do talk. One of our most popular bands locally does almost ALL covers, and makes 6 figures.
Perhaps he can hire you the visual artist to do some marketing? Social media marketing is how I always hear about what is going on for the week in music. I then save, pin, and share. Sometimes I even show up! lol.
What type of music? Indie or band?
Oh, and he maybe can consider busking for extra cash.
Basically, what Im saying is, he needs to figure out how to help you attain YOUR dreams without draining you dry. And not that I am bragging, but Ive got a countdown app that tells me I have 263 days left until visitation ends. with 50/50, that means 131.5 days...18 weeks.
I would really have a heart to heart. Crunch numbers for yourself and him. How much extra are you carrying in bills and living costs? 1,000? Thats about 30,000 dollars that you are working hard to earn and pay taxes on...
Hooray for countdowns!
I'm so glad I met someone else with another countdown going! I have about 1,000 days to go. I'm envious of your countdown!!!!! Can't wait to get there (well, and to zero). Maybe I should celebrate when I cross over to 999 - a three-digit number at last is a great milestone.
He's a jazz musician. It's not a huge moneymaker, but he just cut a record, so I hope that opens up more opportunities for him. He doesn't want to be a pauper, but it's hard. He also plays with agency bands and cover bands and gives lessons. I guess I would feel better about the assistance I'm providing that allows him to cover his CS if BM would just stop giving us her 2¢. I get she has it hard, I get she has more responsiblity, etc., etc., but I don't care - we're doing all we can. All these decisions about whether they could afford a baby (she wanted one; he didn't precisely because of his job, but she insisted she could "handle it") were made pre-me, I'm just venting about how it affects me. Lots of should-ofs, sure, but legal docs were signed, everything's in writing. If she would just leave us alone, I'd be okay with seeing this through to the end.
Theres more of us than you would think
As regards the countdown - Id guess 100's...or way more into thousands. Read around here. If you do social media - Facebook groups.
Cutting a record, thats something. Cd sales etc.
Jazz here seems lucrative if you have vocals (preferably a cute woman in a cute dress), and you have good venues.
We have a whole festival devoted to Jazz.
Woo!
Woo! There are limited venues here, but things really pick up for him in the fall and especially at Christmastime (lots of corporate parties $$$$$), and that carries him through the slow months. Would love to head where you are once his album is ready! Thanks so much for the encouragement.
meanwhile...
VEnt as much as you need to...
You should place the blame on
You should place the blame on your husband for allowing himself to continue to be pushed around by his ex to the point it affects how well he can provide for you.
When you said you put your dreams on hold so you could cover him .... please don't do this to yourself. He's not putting his dreams of being a doormat for his exwife on hold so he can provide for his wife like a good husband should do.
Start by having a conversation with him about finances you are no longer able to cover for him because you're preparing for your retirement and mention to him how he needs to pull his weight at the household with you so that you can be more satisfied.