opinions wanted - disengaging will hurt SS?
As most of you already know from previous blogs..I'm SM to my FH's son who is 6 whose mother abandoned him when he was 2. Now when FH was with BM of SS2 she watched SS5 while FH worked..once FH met me she told him she couldn't watch SS5 anymore..which I feel was abandonment again. When BM pulled this IM the one that found him a new daycare.
Anyways..FH is a good dad as far as taking care of responsibilities..child support..etc but he lacks parenting skills as far as bathing..looking thru SS's backpack at end of school day. FH is NEVER home as he works 8-9 at night..and all day Sat. So all of this has gone on my shoulders. I take care of this kid more than he does..pick him up from daycare, cook dinner, bathe him..
So I really didn't feel that FH appreciated this..he's never had to do it on his own as he had BM and than me to "raise" SS.
So I've started disengaging..because I'm starting to get resentful that he basically assumes I'll do everything..and never tells me "thank you Kaff"..he DID get me a nice card on Mother's day and beautiful roses.
The most recent scenario and what I want advice is this..SS bday is June 30. I've been talking about giving SS a bday party for OVER a month now..I finally was able to pinpoint a date out of him..June 28. So than we discussed ideas of bday party and where..we have a small yard..but I wanted to do a carnvial theme and there are tons of trees in our yard..so it isn't really good for a bday party..so I brought up his mom's condo complex..they have barbqs you can rent and picnic tables. You have to go to the management office and put $100 down to reserve spot. So he is supposed to go today - his day off. I've asked him twice if he's gone yet..and he keeps saying not yet..I've told him this HAS to get get done as I have to still get invited out!!
But at this point I'm ready to say that if he doesn't do it..than I'm done planning SS's party and FH can do it..why should I be going thru this stress..yes..I DO love him like my own..but he's NOT my own..why do I have to go thru all this stress? but if I don't still plan something (without FH's help) than SS will be the one hurt..
What to do? I CAN have small party at my house and cake..but I still need to KNOW to send out invites..If I wait until night before and than FH asks '..so what's up with his party..it's too late to invite all his little friends..and SS now keeps asking me about his invites.
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Comments
If he can't do it why should
If he can't do it why should you? Have a small dinner and cake at your house. If you have asked him twice already I'd leave it at that your SS will be happy with a small party.
hopefully
He will step up as a parent if you start putting more responsibility on him. After all, before he was with you, he was SS's only parental figure. Maybe he needs to go back to taking care of SS more.
I agree with step2three
If he can't do it, you shouldn't either. I completely feel your pain. I have been the majority caretaker of my SDs when they are with us and I'm slowly disengaging myself for my own sanity. It's VERY hard on me to do this because DH can be a complete idiot about taking care of his kids because he's never had to do it alone either. It's terribly hard to bite your tongue and go with it but you just might have to.
I just went through this!!!
i swear if you come to ca we need to get drinks or something! we are going through the same shet! ss4's bday was in may, 2 months before i started planning! ss wanted a pirate party. I reserved a 29 foot pirate ship, booked a character from disneylad to come as a pirate and entertain the kids. MADE pirate games, planned a treasure hunt, spent hours online finding decorations, rentals, and party favors.
1 month before hand mil flipped out, we no longer had a place to have it. my parents have a huge pool and i didnt want the liability. i was freaking out trying to find a new location, a light bulb went off! fh is not stressing AT ALL! this is HIS child, and im stressing myself out!
i said forget it, i canceled all the stuff(thank god there was no deposits made or anything. Invited two friends with kids over to my parents for a pool party, got a pirate shaped cake, pirate floaties for the pool, decorated a little bit, and ss LOVED it!
it was not the big ordeal i had envisioned, but none the less ss really had fun and appreciated it! in years to come i know we will be able to do a bigger party and i will not be so stressed. I gave fh one task, the night before make you famous macaroni salad! sure enough i got off work, and it had been done!
imo, wait to see what he does, dont keep bugging him, because then you will wonder, did he do it because he was going to, or was it because i was nagging him and ill always have to stress and nag him to get things done. i found, the less i nag, the more fh does.
You are a great person and ss will love what ever you do for him! if fh doesnt do this on his own, that will be a huge sign, and its not worth stressing your self out. your goal is to do something for ss, and thats all that matters!!
smnickki
Exactly..well FH did go and put a deposit on place..
But at this point I don't know what's up since I'm leaving him.
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
i agree
i mentioned it before to kaff that it seemed he was using her. Thats why i recommend backing off and letting him hold it all together. he will either show that since you arent doing these things he will get rid of you (or fight with you to show he expects that you are to do these things), he will come to you with complete acknowledgment of how much you do and treat you better, or he will begin picking up the pieces therefore releasing some of your stress and making it better for you relationship to potentially work!
I go through this EVERY
I go through this EVERY YEAR. I 'm the only one to plan the parties. I do it all. Let me tell you, you should really put your foot down NOW. If not it WILL get worse. Tell him he needs to plan his own childs party by himself, or you can help him if he is being productive in everything for the party.
Not for nothing but,
why are you planning this party and spending YOUR money? I think you should be saving your pennies and finding a new place to live.
This man is just using you as the care giver, babysitter etc..
Do you think by doing a party for HIS son that this will make the relationship better or he will see you in a new light?
Nothing is going to change..sorry to be so blunt but that is how I see it.
Hope i didn't hurt your feelings.
"And this too shall pass..."
stuknaz
I'm not spending my $$..I already told FH that he needs to give me $$ for everything. Hell no I'm not going to spend my $$ except on a gift..
This morning he brought up the party..asked me what kind of party it will be so he can order the cake. I told him"ask your son I don't know"
He told me he will give me $$ today for the invites and to start getting decorations. We are just having a small party at our house.
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
look on ebay
there are tons of party supplies. i look in oriental trading co website, and then find it cheaper on ebay.
Did he ask you
to plan a party?
Did I hear correctly, he cheats on you?
You are JUST the girlfriend?
Oh, hun, you need to high tail it outta there. Sounds like he is using you for the various services you provide.
How sad for those kids. How sad for you sweetie, but seriously I think that this scenario is so off----it is only going to hurt you.