on this one. I'd give SD a new, improved Christmas gift: Emily Post's The Guide to Good Manners for Kids.
On your next anniversary, I'd give your DH Emily Post's Guide to Good Manners for Parents.

My DH will be receiving a copy on Precious's b-day this month.

In a nutshell, every child beyond the age of three should routinely say thank you for presents, and good-bye when they leave your home, and (particularly under your circumstances) it is your DH's responsibility to both them and to you to enforce these rules.

I perhaps would have waited a bit longer and built more relationship before engaging on the friendship/email question (but I might have said the same thing if I were aggravated about the lack of courtesy). Sometimes basic courtesy is all a teenager can handle, and particularly under circumstances of recent estrangement, I say tread lightly on the bonding and give it time. That does not mean you have to open yourself up to poor manners in your home, however; DH has a responsibility to instill good manners in his children and to ensure that you are respected as his wife and the woman of the house.

In my opinion, and I'm trying to say this gently because it sounds like you are both trying hard, it is your DH that cannot have it both ways. Either you are in a parental role with these kids where you can enforce good manners and rules, and engage on your own terms with these family members, or you are entitled to disengage and leave the parenting to him until such time as you are honored and respected for your role (as much as a teen can muster). I think your DH is afraid of the word "disengage". Mine is. It doesn't mean that you give up on all hope of ever having familial relationships with his kids. It doesn't mean that you mistreat or neglect them while they are in your home. It means that you stop taking parental responsibility, and the emotional burden of such, until it is a two-way street. Stepparents have it so hard--all of the burden, and none of the biological ties that bond even in the face of hardship. I parent my skids--school, health, discipline, morals/values, activities, friends, etc. etc.--but I do so because I have known them since they were little, and they respect me, and with the support of DH and, in spite of our issues, even the support of BM. Even then, it is sometimes an impossible burden and even I have to disengage. It is not an abandonment. It is self-preservation, leaving open the possibility that something may yet again change in the future. Your DH is their parent. You are only the skids family to the extent that there are bonds of love between you and them.

It is encouraging that your DH is looking for advice and input, and that you two are discussing this issue rationally and seeking a forward resolution rather than letting it divide you. Good for both of you. Be strong and good luck.

Ok, first and foremost... you ARE NOT the mother to those kids. They are not YOUR kids as your husband seems to imply. I fought with the guilt of that exact topic for quite some time. My DH always put it out there just like that. I felt obligated to mother a hateful child because I chose to marry a man who came with baggage. I knew he had children prior to marrying him, so I carried the blame of whatever I felt. Then one day during a therapits session for my step daughter, the therapist noticed that I did not seem like my usual self. She took some extra time with just me and I broke down. Explaining how I was exhausted from trying to make someone love me who flat didnt want to. I was tired of the lack of manners, lack of respect and complee disregard for me in general. And I was tired of DH thinking I was supermom who could love and nurture a child who dispised me. And she very firmly informed me that I WAS NOT THE MOM. She ordered my DH to take over all responsibilities pertaining to SD and that I needed to act like a friend or baby sitter. Watch out for her best interests, keep her safe and fed. If she acts up on my watch put her in a time out, etc. But any real parenting needed to come from dad ONLY. Talk about a weight lifted off of my shoulders. So now, when SD needs reprimanding it is his job. I inform him of what happened, we discuss the punishment and he delivers it. When there is a situation that I dont care to tackle, he does it. I explained to him that I love SD like a mom does.... but I am not her mom and he cannot expect me to be. It has taken major adjustments to the situation, but it is helping. He also had to snap out of it and see that his demanding me to be mommy was only hurting everyone involved. DH needs to stand united with you. If the kids can see even a pinhole of an opportunity where you two are not joined, they will use it against you.

I dont think that you should have said that to SD without letting DH know you were going to do so first. Again, work as a team. Yes, you had the right to say it 100%. But it has to be in the plan. And DH needs to DEMAN respec for you and your daughter. You say "their half sister" so I am assuming yu have a BD with DH.... If that is the case, then he needs to step the hell up and think of ALL of his kids, not just the ones from his first wife. I think that is very unfair on his part. I can only imagine how that makes your BD feel. Poor thing.

I would recommend you and DH seek out a counselor that can teach you and DH how to parent in a blended family. It seems like you both are confused as to which roles you really play. Dont get consumed in that feeling of "having to" because it is what is expected. And DH needs to tell those kids that they do not have to love you, but they will respect you at all times. Not as a mom, but as the authority figure that you are. Period.

"I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay."

Really. I think they are. They're basically holding you, your daughter and your DH hostage. You're walking on eggshells around them, you're afraid to say anything to them that they won't like for fear they won't come back. They are CHILDREN. They don't get to decide whether or not they are going to spend visitation with their dad. JUDGES make these kinds of decisions, not CHILDREN. They don't get to decide how much communication to have with him or how involved they will be in his family. I didn't get to choose MY family and neither do they. They don't get to decide whether or not they will be polite and use good manners or be allowed to disrespect everyone in their vicinity. If they are well and truly parented, then their parents will instill good behavior in them. YOUR DH NEEDS TO STEP UP AND BE A PARENT, NOT A HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR.

I don't think you were wrong in saying what you did to your SD, because she slighted YOU directly. The "parenting" should be a joint effort between you and your DH, sure, but when a person, any person, says or does something to hurt YOU in YOUR own home, oh, you bet your sweet ass you have every right to call them on it. It's your DH who can't have it both ways... if he wants you to think of them as "our" children, then he must understand "our" need to provide discipline. The fake it until you make it comment applies to detaching from your situation emotionally, but it doesn't mean you take a slap in the face laying down.

Y'all are wallowing in one huge, stinking, steaming pile of bullshit. The skids are running the show. I totally understand your DH wanting three peaceful days with his kids over Christmas, but you were most definitely not "building on a relationship" during those three days. You were just allowing yourselves to be held hostage by a couple of manipulative skids. What kind of a "relationship" is that? Rubbing salt in her wounds? WHAT WOUNDS?! Good Lord, K, how many times did you lock this poor child in her closet after beating her to within an inch of her life? MUST HAVE BEEN LOTS!

First, the skids need to be with their father during his regular visitation per the court paperwork. Period. No ifs, ands or buts about it. They cannot be allowed to dictate the visitation schedule. It's not up to them. I didn't get to choose my father and neither do they. Second, you and your child don't EVER need to leave your home to accommodate the visitation and your husband shouldn't have to leave, either, to see his other children. If you guys truly want to blend, then YOU need to have equal authority as a disciplinarian and the children need to be treated as children, not as mini terrorists. You don't NEGOTIATE with them, you TELL them. You can negotiate things like whether to make their beds before breakfast or after, whether to have one cookie or two before dinner, whether or not they can stay up an extra half hour to watch a movie... those things can be negotiated, but GOOD BEHAVIOR and RESPECTING PARENTS is non-negotiable.

The counseling shouldn't be used to get them back into the relationship. They should be brought back into the relationship, period, then the counseling should go towards helping them accept the transition. I think it's all ass backwards, myself. If your DH wants to "bridge the gap" between himself and his children, the first thing he needs to do is stop letting them make adult decisions. The second thing he needs to do is start being a parent, which does sometimes mean not giving in to their demands. He's, unfortunately, falling into the trap of being afraid he'll lose his children if he doesn't give them exactly what they want. He's allowing himself to be manipulated into giving them what they think they want, rather than what we all know they need.

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook

do the parenting. Anything you want to say to your skids, do it in front of your husband. Disengage with a smile. YOU TOO ARE IMPORTANT.

"Should I do something, like contact her and suggest the two of us go to counseling together, should I apologize, or should I let my DH work on his relationship with them and let me stay out of it. He says they are our kids and I can't stay out of it. I disagree."

I would let your DH work on his relationship with them & you stay out of it. THEY ARE NOT YOUR KIDS, THEY ARE HIS. I would be kind to them and if you have a problem with them IMMEDIATELY tell him & let him handle it. I may get slammed for this but I wouldn't expect thank you's-------at 13 they are almost raised. You can't change their manners or morals, they've been set already. You're hitting your head against the wall to think that you have any power over the conduct of those kids. They are who they are. Your husband (as a part time parent) can't make much of an impact either. He shouldn't stop trying though----but you really can't affect change at all.

Your husband needs to demand they respect you at all times.

You issued the ultimatum and she gave you the answer.

I'm so glad to see you back on here!

Ok, but not for the reason you're back on here

My situation is extremely different as you know, because I MUST parent SD as we have full custody. But I wanted to say that right now my SD is pushing me away in favor of her "Disney" mom. She is also practically living at her friends houses when she's here, which I know is escapism because I did it myself through a horrible adolescence. It's far easier to go to the people who don't expect much of you when you don't want the responsibility of working on yourself, and that's what teens do. Especially my SD, b/c of the personality disorder she and BM share it's easier to go where someone accepts their inappropriate behavior so they can (and I'm quoting SD) "be themselves and be accepted for who they are!" IE- hyper selfish rude etc, without being corrected for it.

All that being said, my last trip with SD to the shrink proved fruitful. SD expressed that she could care less about any of the gestures I've made (including the trip away for the weekend for her birthday.) I told the shrink that I'm going to step back because that's where SD's pushed me and the shrink said something similar to the posts above.

First she said to SD,"I'm very sad to see you've pushed away one of the most unique SD/SM relationships I've seen in 30 years of practice....but...that being said," the shrink turned to me, "You have been doing 90 percent of the parenting for both your H and (SD'S) mom. It's time you step back and they step up. It's shouldn't be your sole responsibility....and I think that (SD) has been disappointed by her mom's lack of ability to have relationships, so she's pushed you away so (SD) won't be disappointed by you as well. It's self-fulfilling, but she's not able to comprehend that."

Sigh...

So I have been disengaging. I will post more about it soon. But just wanted to let you know all of that and to say that I would disengage if I were you. Your SD is throwing on a tough skin because she doesn't want to be vulnerable to you or do any of the work in a relationship with you. She wants to come and go as she pleases into your H and your lives. She likes it that way and you're challenging her above her ability. That's not to say she doesn't know damn well that she's hurting you, thirteen year olds are very manipulative and do things premeditatively. But...she doesn't know enough about life and relationships to understand that she should care about it.A lot of that is from her mother I'm sure. But as the shrink said to me, "(SD's) THIRTEEN...you're giving her way too much credit. She's not emotionally mature." She said that in front of SD too. That made me very pleased. And made SD very peeved, because she thinks she could pass for 18. Not so, but she's trying.
Peace, love, and red wine

I have not read the other responses, so forgive me if I am redundant.

How long have you and Dh been together and was it always like this with sd, or did something happen that caused her feelings towards you?

My sd is also 13. This is a very tough age. She is becoming extremely protective of bm and likes to throw mean little jabs in my direction.
I think that your sd behaved in a very rude manner. She does not have to like you, but she should treat you with courtesy and respect. This goes for you too. A relationship of some sort would be nice and easier for everyone involved, but it is not required. I would not go out of my way for this kid at all. I would just disengage and let dh deal with her.

Family counseling may be helpfull.

Georgie

I think that you have put forth SO much effort when it comes to these kids. I hate to say it too, but I think Anne has got it right here. They are running the show and unfortunately they have a BM that is enabling this behavior. I know PAS is involved and your husband has every right to keep fighting for his kids but at whose expense? Yours? Your marriage? Your biological daughter(who they won't even acknowledge)?

I was watching Dr. Phil a couple of days ago and there was a mother and daughter that were fighting about multiple issues over the course of about 20 years. The daughter had completely alienated the mother from her and the grandchildren's lives. They both had valid (some petty) arguments coming from both sides and they continued on and on and on and on....finally Dr. Phil interjected and said to the daughter "What is it that you want?", we can sit here all day and complain about each other, but in the end you need to tell me what is it that you want?

What is it that these kids want? Do they really want to NEVER see their dad again? Do they never want to see their half-sister again? Is it YOU that they want to never see again? All your skids do is say how much they hate it at your house. They need to tell you what is they WANT. Then DH should have the same courtesy to let them know what it is that HE wants.

I think that you should continue to be honest with SD. Tell her that you'll love her no matter what, but you refuse to be treated with disrespect. Especially in your own home and you are done playing the game. She is a 13 year old child who is calling her dad by his first name. That is ridiculous. I always am a HUGE advocate of calling little girls out on their over-dramatic behavior. Tell her that she needs to repair this relationship with her dad and when she is ready, the door will always be open for you and her to maintain a relationship - but until she is ready to treat you and DH with respect, you will have nothing to do with her. This little girl is an attention monger. ALL of you - BM, DH, and yourself - are giving her exactly what she wants. This whole situation has escalated to a living nightmare.

For what it's worth and I mean this, if one of my step daughters pulled this, my words would be more than brutally honest. I don't give a shit who she thinks she is, NO CHILD would ever act the way she does, not on my watch. Your DH is a very lucky man to have someone as patient as you. You can tell him I said so.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. Albert Einstein