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I have noticed that how I feel about sd11 is directly related to the strength of my marriage.

katielee's picture

Submitted by katielee on Tue, 04/09/2013 - 6:20am

If I feel close to DH and not neglected by him in favor of SD11, then I feel like I'm much better able to tolerate being a stepmom. I don't really think I have a problem with her personally (even though there ARE some major discipline problems). I can tolerate her and ignore her childish little competition with me AS LONG AS DH IS NOT GOING ALONG WITH IT.

So DH is really the key to all of this. But how to get him to understand?

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katielee's picture

Submitted by katielee on Tue, 04/09/2013 - 6:25am

I have tried explaining to him how I feel in a thousand ways. I have told him I feel cast aside. I have used examples of how we interact together when we're alone and how we interact when sd11 is with us. I have gotten mad and even removed myself from the situation. He just can't seem to get past feeling he is "ignoring" her if he doesn't make her the sole center of his attention.

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Tue, 04/09/2013 - 2:37pm

I think this is great advice and takes back the power rather than engaging in a childish competition for time and attention which may ultimately alienate DH. If he misses having you there then he will be motivated to take responsibility for addressing the issues.

luchay's picture

Submitted by luchay on Tue, 04/09/2013 - 7:16am

I have this problem too (only with two skids) If you figure out a way to get it across to him let me know, as I have been struggling with exactly that.

I am about to copy the para in bulletproofs post about sd's future husband.

I also emailed him something from one of the old threads in the forums the other day (recent post; old thread - the one where some guy is ranting about women and skids blah blah blah)

We reached crisis point last Thursday and he actually left for a few days.

We finally talked (and talked and talked LOL) and I think he gets it more now. Will wait and see though. Early days. BUT - the day after that, when I felt heard and understood and he acted attentive and loving we had skids, and it was great - he paid attention to me as well as them, and we ALL got along well. There is hope still I guess.

sterlingsilver's picture

Submitted by sterlingsilver on Tue, 04/09/2013 - 8:54am

I don't even think about paying attention to my kids and dh, I just do. I talk to dh while my kids are around and talk to them and when ss16 shows his face and actually sits down he talks with dh only, but dh talks to him and makes eye contact with me even while talking to ss. Dh often catches my eye and winks when one of the kids says something that's totally age appropriate and I roll my eyes and dh laughs. We banter a lot around here. Ss16 however wants his dad's undivided attention and likes to echo his dad or agree with his dad against me, like I might make a comment about the tv show we're watching, DH will make his comment on his view point and then ss16 pipes up and says, ya and then repeats what dh said. I have always seen this as a disability (maybe aspergers?) and ss16 is on an IEP so he does have something going on, but it gets irritating at times so I just get up and find something else to do or just stop talking. It seems ss16 at this point in his age wants to make sure us adults get the correct info on every little dang thing. lol Anyways back to you issue, I think what you might say to dh is that adults get to have a conversation or at least eye contact "over the kids heads". In other words there is a constant streaming of communication over and above the kids even when they're in the room. Also touching is a good connection. Dh often comes up to me while I am cooking and even when the kids are around and touches me in some way like a kiss on the hair, or a slap on the rear (tries to do it subtly lol) or a hug. Sometimes while we're watching tv I will sit on his lap or close beside him and we smooch. Usually now the kids leave when we do that b/c they're, uhm, 16, and have better things to do! haha But mostly it's the eye contact and the knowing looks that keep me going over and above all the kids coming and going through our doors. This is b/c husbands and wives have that different level of relationship even once the kids are adults. And then some good one on one is awesome for the parent and kid. I spend time alone almost daily with my kids, even if it's a quick trip to the groc store.

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Tue, 04/09/2013 - 11:05am

Your comment about SS weighing in whenever DH expresses a different opinion resonated with me. SS was a bit of a know it all pedant at the best of times, but from the age of 13 he would always jump on the bandwagon whenever SD or DH would start discussing something with me. It was as though he would take any opportunity to score a point against me and because that was obviously his motive I got very tired of it and would end up just disengaging from the discussion.

katielee's picture

Submitted by katielee on Tue, 04/09/2013 - 2:17pm

I copy/pasted this for my dh to read. I think it sums up perfectly what we're going through right now. Thanks!

snowdrop's picture

Submitted by snowdrop on Tue, 04/09/2013 - 11:03pm

Katielee,

I've noticed the same thing... when I'm not feeling as close to my DH I can't stand being a stepparent. But when I feel closer with him the situation bothers me less. I think it's because when I am getting my needs met I do not feel so resentful watching him meet skids' needs or give them attention, love, etc that I want/ need too!