Is this reasonable?
My SD12 called on a whim last night and wanted to spend the night, even though both my DH and I had to work today. She said her mom would pick her up "early". My DH wanted her to stay so she stayed. I had a migraine all night. (This is following a horrible Christmas day where she showed up with presents for everybody in the house except me and pouted all day long because my baby granddaughters were present and naturally became the center of attention.)
Her mom took advantage of the fact that my DD20 is here and picked her up at 11:30. Not a word as to why she was late and won't answer my phone calls or texts.
So here's my deal. I am tired of being at the whim of a 12 year old who only wants to come over when it's the best deal for her and who manipulates the situation to get her way.
I want to stick to a schedule. We are supposed to have her every other weekend. I don't want to be so rigid as to never let her come over for extra visits. I just want some kind of notice so I have time to emotionally prepare. She is generally a little shit, but mostly to me.
My DD20 lives here, which is why I've not made this an issue with my DH. I'm sure he could feel it is unfair that my daughter lives here and his isn't allowed to pop in whenever she likes.
But it's not apples and apples. My daughter doesn't cause trouble in our marriage and disrupt the harmony of our home. His daughter does. So is it reasonable to ask him to stick to a schedule? Or am I being unreasonable?
- katielee's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I think it's reasonable as
I think it's reasonable as long as you have a plan & set date for your DD20 to move out.
The best 20 year old child in the world will still cause tension in a marriage if they're still living at home.
My DD20 is starting a 1 year
My DD20 is starting a 1 year vocational school in January and will be moving out soon thereafter. She has been here 3 months and so far we have all gotten along like a dream, mainly because she is very respectful of my husband and very helpful around the house.
Well as long as there's a
Well as long as there's a plan then I see nothing wrong with asking for a schedule for your SD. Maybe have the schedule 'start date' the same date as your DD moves out, that way it seems more like you want more time with the hubby & more 'me time' & dont' want that interrupted. It'll seem less about his bratty kid & more about you & him lol
I don't blame you for feeling
I don't blame you for feeling like you do at all, however I am not sure how you can justify this with your husband. Instead of the whole "sticking to a schedule" approach- what if you turned it into- if she is going to be here, this is what I want her to do to pitch in around the house. Maybe extra chores will turn her away from the pop in visits!
Totally reasonable. I made
Totally reasonable. I made that same request. I was tired of wondering every freakin weekend if the skids were going to be here. I was always on edge. I told DH there has to be a schedule and the skids have to stick to it.
I do not understand why
I do not understand why people fail to see all the facts...at 12 years old...should know what is respectful and what is not. And you can bet...BM had plans. I would be super pissed that BM thought she could pick up her daughter when she felt in the mood.
It is not your DDs job to
It is not your DDs job to watch her s/sister because DH is not available. Point out to DH that it is not fair to expect DD20 to be available and assume she is not otherwise busy.
I had the same problem and I can see both sides. He thinks this is also his daughter's home and of equal home status as his exs place. DHs sons would refer to our place as 'Dads Place' and their mother's place as 'home'. This hurt DH and he wanted them to consider this THEIR home as well. So he had an open door policy ... until the night they interrupted a rather 'exciting' evening. He got the idea pretty fast that at the very least they should call before coming over in case we were 'out'. The kids argument was 'then give us a key like mom'. Um no. This is our home and DH shares it with me and my older daughter (she is 3 years older than his oldest). Not to mention one day I came home to find OSS there playing video games because he brother was using the TV at his mother's place. (We lived about 5 mins apart at that time).
I told him this is not his time to be here and called DH. HE was sorry for his son at first until I reminded him this is also MY home and if I didn't have a say then I would take a long vacation back to NZ. He knew I was unlikely to come back.
I would start with DH. Point out that it would be polite to call ahead to see if this is a good time. And if his daughter was a little more friendly and helpful around the place instead of using your home as Camp Katielee with you as the unpaid housemaid.
Also tell DH it is not your daughter's job to watch his minor daughter because her mother did not get there on time. In future he can either drop her off or wait at home until his daughter is picked up.
I have found success in getting my way by pointing out the small and logical changes his sons could make to find me saying yes. Yes to having them over after school because they would empty the dishwasher. Yes to them calling by because they would help pick up their room. And there is another point for you... if she comes over she needs to clean her room first.
My final point to DH was not every child has 2 homes to run to if she fights with one parent or is bored. And if a 12 yr old can choose when to come home then it should apply to adults as well. Would he like it for you to not be where you are supposed to be at night because you want to do something else?