Here we are
I posted about my 17 yo SS (18 next month) and his problem with being manipulative, lying and stealing. We did finally have a confrontation of sorts and he apologized although it was half hearted. I have taken measures to protect my belongings (locks, nanny cam) as it is becoming apparent to me that DH is not going to enforce any house rules. DH did get my SS a job for after he graduates (if he graduates - he has very bad grades) that is out of town and will at least get him moved out of the house. My concern there is that the SS job is associated to my DH's job and knowing the deceptive/lazy behavior of my SS - DH will be affected in some way. There is also a new development is that SS has a girlfriend that we recently met. She is 16 yo and has no curfew and can come and go as she pleases. SS is now having sex with his GF and this does not seem to be a problem for DH. DH will lay down rules, but will not follow up and rules last for about 3 days and then are forgotten. I love DH but I am not sure I am set up for this long term. I see SS continuing to be a problem and the writing on the wall with this GF. I know this sounds negative BUT it goes against the way I parented my own Bio daughter and my own values in general. I am becoming extremely resentful toward my SS and my DH - and I really don't want to be around my SS at all. My DH thinks that I am too "hard" on my SS. He also thinks that my SS is a "good kid". I don't see where lying, manipulating and stealing makes you a "good kid". My SS continues to hold my DH emotionally hostage and plays my DH by being polite. He has learned that if he is "polite" that he can get away with whatever he wants and get whatever he wants. I'm the odd woman out in this situation and we are not very far into our marriage. How many people just cut and run in this situation? I feel so wrong even thinking that, but I also value my sanity.
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Comments
SS will not change. Your
SS will not change. Your husband will not change.
What happens when SS get caught stealing at work (or even assumed to have)?
That kid will go from job to job (with plenty of time between!). Either daddy will support him or he will live with you for a long time.. either revolving door style, or worse, just all the time.
Love is not enough to deal with endless piles of bullsh!t.
Thank you - I so needed to
Thank you - I so needed to hear this.
Value yourself. Stay and you
Value yourself. Stay and you are putting your mental and financial health at risk. Spend sometime reading the forums and blogs. When the skid is headed in a criminal direction and the parents have their heads up their butts, you will suffer. One way or another. You might get lucky and avoid the court system, but then have to deal with a failure to launch, babies, BM, dysfunction being passed on to the next generation. All the while being totally helpless to fix it. ( not that you should, but it will effect you!) can your marriage survive it? Maybe. Can you?
It's a downer of a response but when you've been here long enough, you see the patterns of dysfunction that never get overcome.
Thank you
It really does come down to that, doesn't it. I just feel really relieved to hear what I pretty much already know. It's never going to end and I will end up bitter in the end and not being true to myself.
Prediction
SS becomes baby daddy number 1.
Hey Pee Paw!
1. Start calling DH gramps, or Pee Paw, or some iteration. Ask him what his designated grandfather name should be. Call SS "daddy-cakes". Make certain they know you arent going to be a baby sitter. Can you instill some rules, and repercussions?
Nanny cams, also for the stealing and also to take away their privacy a bit.
2. The stealing doesnt just "poof" go away. SD22 Feral Forger took checks from her mother Toxic Trolls wallet, and cash and credit cards. She forged the checks and deposited them in a few different bank accounts - one of which was a child account DH had set up for her a long time ago when she had her first job at 16. She only worked there a week. I suspect stealing.
So, we found all this out when Dh got a letter from his bank that he was going to be locked out of his main bank account because of fradulent activiy on the child account. Toxic Troll got in there and sais she "lost" over 1200$. Banks dont proseccute this stuff, and the bio parents did nothing.
The first time she was caught stealing was new years day at JC Penny, some makeup sponges "fell into her purse and she didnt know how they got in there". She had been seen on camera twice before. Since she had money they didnt prosecute. Since she was 17, just a slap and fine which the bio parents paid. No repercusions.
So - because DH had my back and told her no to moving back in with us, I stay. But if he did not and I was forced to live with her again, risking my financial stability and happiness Id be gone.
Seriously - you are not wrong for feeling this way, this is no joke. Im not exxagerating...
Oh gawd
Expect good ol daddio to cover up for SS at work in any way that he can. These head the sand dads spend all their time defending and covering up for the wicked.
Yes it will be a long gut wrenching sickening life ahead watching this.