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Keep-my-cool's picture

Submitted by Keep-my-cool on Wed, 03/02/2022 - 4:59pm

So thankful to have found this site! 
Having an 11 year old stepdaughter and being a big part of her life for the past almost 4 years has been DRAINING AND MENTALLY CHALLENGING. I am at my wit's end and feel like I have been suffering in silence.  

I'm painfully aware that she is just a child. But GOOD LORD, if this is what our future will look like with entitled, spoiled, confused, opinionated, uneducated, apathetic kids --- we are all doomed. 

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JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Wed, 03/02/2022 - 5:27pm

Welcome to the site!

I hate to tell you but I'm 77 and recovering from a weekend where my 60-year old SD was hospitalized because her neighbor called 911 due to erratic behavior, she accused my long-suffering husband of neglect (we subsidize her shelter ecpense), we spent hours driving around on pointless errands and none of her 3 adult kids responded, not that I can blame them.  So, yes, im still drained and mentally challenged from the weekend.

I'm glad you found this site, I wish I'd had it years ago.  Vent away, we have heard it all.

Keep-my-cool's picture

Submitted by Keep-my-cool on Wed, 03/02/2022 - 5:48pm

Oh NO! Am I naive for thinking that she will move out at 18-21 and never come back???? I'm 32 and NOT AT ALL PREPARED for any "long-suffering". I married my husband and made vows with HIM - not her. I will do my part in looking after/raising her but it has just gotten harder! My husband is considerably older than I am, and in the past 4 years I will admit that he has made huge strides in trying to get his daughter under control - however he still has a long way to go in being consistent with enforcing boundaries. But it is an uphill battle because custody is 50/50, so by the time we get her straightened out, its time for her to go back to her birth mother's domain where she loses EVERYTHING that she has learned and her brain rots for a week. 

My husband and I have 2 toddlers of our own with a newborn on the way any week now. Granted, I will assume that some of the irritation and seething anger is due to hormones and lack of sleep and sheer busyness of our household. 
 

Tired of everything! Already! How do I find the stamina for the next years WHILE raising my own 3 young babies??

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Wed, 03/02/2022 - 6:22pm

I guess I sounded pretty pessimistic, sometimes they do move out at 18.  My OSS did and my YSS did in his early twenties.  SD also moved out at 21 when she married #1.  But so often on Steptalk, I see people thinking (hoping, wishing) the whole dynamic magically ends at 18.  Our experience with 5 kids (3 his, 2 mine) is that they moved out appropristely (marriage, college, job, army) but 4 of them have moved back for various reasons (OSS here for 2 years in a depressive period, BS/wife/dog periodically for several month sessions due to hurricane damage, DD/hubby/2 kids/pets here for a month during a move).  

SD has been a special case, moved in for a year with her 3-yo during first divorce, then was here 10 months after her second divorce when she was on drugs and driving us crazy.  That's when we seaparated fonances and agreed on the amount we subsidize.

I'm going thru these tedious details to say: 1)  it doesn't end when they turn 18, not for the bios, either; 2)  its just partl of family life in a blended family.  My husband has valued the idea that we could offer shelter in the storm due to his own background.

Wishing you the best possible outcome.  I agree completely that it's draining and challenging.  Counseling helped me a lot.

CajunMom's picture

Submitted by CajunMom on Wed, 03/02/2022 - 6:06pm

Yep. Draining and mentally challenging. I met my DH when two of his five kids were still underage. 12 & 15. The others were 10 years ahead....so, 25, 27, 29. NOTHING could have prepared me for the Hell I stepped into by loving a man with kids. I tolerated/fought/cried/screamed/begged for 12 years. My DH, sweet man but such a weak parent. Anyway, they're all adults now and I endured my final humiliating event at DHs retirement party...a party I put together and 90% of the attendees were MY family and friends I bought to the marriage. It was HORRIBLE. And it took me 3 years of continuous counseling, lots of self help and a group of SMs who were on the same journey as me to get to "better." I found this site on the end...still has taught me so much. I am now completely disengaged from DHs kids; haven't seen any of them in 4+ years. I turned 60 this year and I sure as hell don't have time for all that trouble. Life is peaceful now.

And that's what I'll suggest...start reading the posts and blogs here....you'll need to start setting some boundaries with the SK. You'll find plenty of suggestions here on what to set...and many of them are going to "force" your DH to do HIS job of parenting his kid. Regardless of 50/50...rules of your home should stand. And with other children in the home, you need to start working on this. Don't want your bios thinking what your SK does is okay.

Best to you!! Stay with us!

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Thu, 03/03/2022 - 6:59am

It can be frustrating when you are an innocent bystander hit with the shrapnel that is a child's crappy parenting.

But, it is important to understand that the child is a product of her upbringing and your partner plays a part in that also.  Does he insist on boundaries, rules, standards of behavior?  If he doesn't, he is not a good parent and he is not being a good partner.

I won't say it will get better.. 4 years is long enough to know that what he and his EX are doing to this child will likely be a permanent condition and you will be impacted as long as you are part of the drama by being his SO.

Keep-my-cool's picture

Submitted by Keep-my-cool on Thu, 03/03/2022 - 11:45am

My DH has only started in the last 2 years with trying to enforce boundaries because he's FINALLY realizing the stress that its causing the rest of us, and that SD needs to be accountable for her own behaviour. His downfall is that he struggles to be consistent. So things will be on track for maybe a week and then he forgets the boundaries/rules that we have laid out by the time she comes back again  He works fulltime and then some, health isn't the best, working on our marriage and our own young children and looking after me since this pregnancy is particularly difficult - I can see how he lets things slide. He blames a lot of SD's behaviour on her BM's lack of structure, care and attention which is partially accurate. BM also has 2 older kids from a previous marriage - a young adult girl and a teen boy. They are both rude, dishonest, entitled, quarrelsome and lazy - which my SD has been seeing/learning and thinks is normal and worth repeating under our (and only our) roof. But I know DH's leniency in the early years of the separation and a ton of doting and basically putting SD on a pedestal (before I was in the picture) didn't help. She was a definite mini wife for a while but thankfully that came to an end.

A lot of the parenting has fallen to me because I'm now a stay at home mother - but lately I've been pointedly asking that I not be the only one that makes the rules, checks up on her, creates her chore list or doles out consequences.  I'm not sure how long it will take for him to get on board, and realize that we need to be UNITED and he can't cower behind the "favourite parent" badge anymore and leave me to do the hard stuff. I prefer to nip things in the bud, not wait for it to become unmanageable.