BF and BM together today - Help me not to care.
BF is going to a funeral today that unfortunately I was unable to take the time off work to go with him.
What is freaking me out is the fact that BM is going to be there. The person that passed away is an old friend of BF and somehow this person also knew BM but not through BF.
Although BM and BF have every right to be there today, it freaks me out that they are both going to be in the same place.
I know this sounds totally childish and I should be thinking, who cares, but for some reason I do.
I hate the fact that BF is nice to BM and vice versa even though she is an absolute BITCH to me. I hate that she is going to love that BF is there without me and she will love that she is amongst all BF friends that will be there, all of them, mingling together at the wake.
When I spoke to BF last night about the funeral I asked him if BM was going and he said yes, but I don’t think he wanted to tell me cause he knew how I would feel about it which is why he never mentioned anything until I asked. I didn’t make an issue about it, I just asked the question, he answered and I left it like that.
Why do I care that they will be at the same place, I don’t want to care, I'm tried of feeling like this, I want to let this feeling go but don’t know how.
How does everyone here cope with situations when your partner is going to be at the same place with BM but without you? How do you stop yourself from being upset the whole day? I’m just worried that I am going to work myself up about it and then take it out on BF tonight without even realising it.
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I would love it if DH would
I would love it if DH would go to functions where BM is WITHOUT ME because that would spare me the sorry sight of her. But he won't go without me. He loathes her as much as I do. I am not at all threatened by her maybe because she looks like a troll with too much make-up and her personality is overbearing and rude. I also know that DH left her by choice and is with me by choice. If DH wanted to be with her, he could, because she practically foams at the mouth everytime she sees him. :O
I would not be happy about
I would not be happy about this. Not because I have any fear or jealousy of DH being around BM, but because I love making her miserable. She complaned when he first got together with me that he never talked to her anymore, she complains that he doesn't take an interest in her family anymore...blah blah blah. She would absolutely LOVE it if she got to be somewhere with him witout me (which hasn't happened in the 4 years since he met me) therefore I could never stand giving her the satisfaction. I would make sure to find a way to be there!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
I'm sorry for your BF's loss.
When DH fought BM for custody there would be times I wasn't allowed to be in the courtroom with DH. Fine by me...I didn't want to see BM's face. I would have felt a great temptation to reach out across the aisle and strangle her. But, I didn't want to hurt DH's case so I respected the court's request that I not go at certain times. DH had my MIL sit next to him. MIL DOES NOT like BM so that made me feel better. I also remembered that DH doesn't love BM, he loves me, and that the ONLY reason he was even in the same room as her was because he was fighting for his daughters that he loves soooo much.
Maybe you should try to make a plan with your BF. If BM starts acting too crazy towards/around him, then if her behavior is really bad he can call the cops. If she's just acting crazy but not in an illegal way, then he can have some friends that are there help him out or leave and go to the grave site to pay his respects to his friend in private at a later (but not too much later) date.
Dani, I probably shouldn't even respond to this one
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
because if I thought for one minute BM would even want H, I'd take him over and deliver him to her, along with all his problems, in person!
Seriously, tho, I don't think the funeral will be a very romantic setting. If there's a supper where old friends are gathering to talk about the good old days, be there. But if it's just the funeral, don't worry. I've never found them to be romance inspiring.
BW - You crack me up!
Actually you will be happy to hear this but BF is treating me really well. I'm enjoying spending time with him and miss him when were not together. Yes, he has problems, but as long as he keeps working through them with me and not against me I think we will be fine.
I know I am probably over reacting about today and it's not the whole romantic thing, I guess its like Mels said, BM would be happy that I wasn't there today and I hate the fact of her being happy especially when it's over my BF.
Dani it'll be ok
I get the same kind of stress you do so I understand. Instead of getting all crazy...don't say anything more to bf and just let it alone. When he comes home be yourself and do what you normally do w/him and don't even mention the funeral. While he's away, imagine him there and the bm-skank-face-troll-monster...but imagine him at one side of the room, and her at the other. Imagine him visiting with people and avoiding her and not even looking at her. Imagine him acting like she doesn't exist. The thing is that in our minds we envision our guys there and the bm gives him the googily eye and he looks longingly at her...or they sensuously brush hands somewhere and the sparks are rekindled...it's just b.s. None of that actually happens. I know I have a huge, giant, ginourmous issue with this particular thing so I can completely relate where you're coming from. You need to reprogram your brain to think differently and trust this man. When I think of different imagery like I described where he and bm are completely apart and there's no interaction, I can release the horrible emotions stirring inside me. There's a book called Emotional Alchemy that really, really helps you to understand why we react the way we do and how to reprogram ourselves to be different. It's a godsend, trust me.
Like I say, just try to keep imagining a different scenario other than any monkey business between bf and bm...bf loves you, not her.
It does not bother me...
H has such disgust for BM it never an issue. H is very nice to BM but only for SS sake. I have no problems with it.
Dani, I completely understand
I feel the same way, and honestly, I think we both may have good reasons. The thing that gets me is that my DH is nice to the BM, and I don't get why. DH has talked about how horrible the divorce was, how she squeezed every last dime from him, how she went after things that were handed down to DH from his father. So then, why on earth would he be nice to this woman? I don't know! Even though your BF may not have gone through the same horrible divorce, I'm guessing that the thing that may bug you is that he gives BM the time of day, when really, he has no reason to. As I see it, my DH and your BF don't have to be outright mean and hostile, but maybe they could simply ignore the BM. I say this because the BM (in my case) seizes on every opportunity, no matter how small, to exploit the attention she gets from DH, usually using it as a way to belittle me, ever so subtly. She of course does this sweetly, with a smile. She wants so desperately to be seen as still a part of him and still a part of his family, i.e. sisters, mother, father. It sucks because he plays into it by being nice to her. Have I hit on anything familiar Dani?
I feel this way too, Dani
Well, sort of. I see DH and BM interact all the time. With sports, it's several times a week now. I get to watch her gaze longingly into his eyes, lightly touch his arm, etc. I would almost rather NOT be there, but when I'm not there, my imagination goes haywire. My DH knows it bothers me. He doesn't think it should (he picked me over her after all, because she would have always taken him back). But whether or not it SHOULD bother me, he respects me enough to acknowledge that it does bother me.
Soooo, to alleviate this... for starters, I just had to grow up. I'm a 35 year old woman and I am better than her. Not to run her down, but if I got to pick between being her or being me... I'd pick me - and so would she!
But DH also will throw me a bone once in awhile. After parent teacher conferences, he'll call and tell me something creepy she did and we'll laugh together about it. I know this makes me sound like not a very nice person, but hearing DH make fun of her, even though it's never anything too terrible, eases my stress a bit. It just reassures me that he doesn't want her back. Even though I know it, it's nice to hear it and see evidence of it once in awhile.
Maybe next time you could work out a system where he could text you during the drive to the interment or something to tell you how creepy it is being there when she's there and how he'd rather be with you. Or something along those lines.
I know how you feel
In the early part of our relationsip I used to feel physically ill at the thought of BF and BM hanging out and talking about their day. I think its because women are territorial and feel the need to chase away anyone who tries to interfere with their happiness. Sometimes I still get upset when BF has to pick up the skids without me.
Here's how I deal with it:
-I remind myself that he chose not be with her and makes the choice to be with me and love me.
-I remind myself that BM is a horrible, self-centered, immature bitch and that I am ten times better than her even when I'm at my worst. If you showed our pictures to strangers and asked them to pick one, they would choose me (if I could post a pic of BM and one of myself as proof, I would. I'm that confident about my hypothesis).
-I tell myself that he HAS to see her and interact with her. If he had his way, he would never speak to her again. That's not the case with BF and I.
Just remember that he loves you and wants to be with you. Even if she were the most beautiful woman on earth, she's still not the one he wants to be with and she's still not a good person for him. You are. Funerals are a very solemn event. I'm sure they're going to want to stay as far away from each other as possible.
And guess what, he's coming home to YOU. NOT HER!