You've logged more years than I have so far, so I certainly don't get to tell you it gets better. I also deal with a high conflict by mom, though I keep my finances separate. That's one piece of really actionable advice I'd encourage. Are usually feel a 50-50 split is fair, though sometimes people adjust for percentage of income into the household. Have a shared account to pay the bills from that, and separate the rest. He wants to sign his kids up for $2000 baseball? Fine. That's his money. You can use yours to support cool things for your own kids, or even trips you want to take with friends or on your own. Or if DH wants to do his half and do some thing with you, cool, but his kids no longer get to bankrupt your future. If you're a stay at home parent, I'd encourage you to consider getting a job, even part time, to make sure you have the resources to do what you need to for yourself and your kids.
 

and I don't know what happened tonight with the dishes, but of course it is not unreasonable whatsoever to expect kids to do chores. My bio is only seven, and he does dishes and makes his bed and fold and put away his laundry and sets the table, and a variety of other things that I ask for help on. Chores are a normal part of growing up, and taking responsibility and skills away from them isn't helping them or making them feel more loved, though I know dad's often make this mistake. And if and whenever possible I wouldn't fight in front of the kids. Find a time when they aren't around and talk to your husband about with the reasonable chores should be. Sometimes I think we make assumptions that people I have the same background as us or share the same values as us, and it's possible he just didn't. But honestly, it just sounds more like he's a jerk who doesn't respect you. Who the hell thinks that kids shouldn't have to do chores if they're only there three days out of the week???  Does that mean they're not eating for those three? Or sleeping in their beds? Or any of the other things that dirty at home that need tending to? That genuinely makes no sense.

I know you're new to the site, but look at posts about disengagement as well. You don't need to do the cleaning up after his kids with the parenting of his kids. You can detach yourself from these problems and not fight these battles if you don't want to. Things get under my skin, but I try and say not my monkeys not my circus. I can't be the one to fix what I didn't spend the past 15 years breaking. All those parenting and sibling dynamics existed long before I showed up in the picture.

and there's not much you can do about what the bio mom says about you in her home. You can be neutral or kind and respectful to the kids when they were at your house. And maybe when they're adults they'll figure it all out. But that's why I recommend the disengagement. If you're close enough to lash out on, I have found that they often do.

I am so sorry and I wish I had better news, but there are at least a few things you have control over, like separating finances, and visiting groups like this one, and possibly also seeking out a good therapist who is familiar with step family issues. Definitely look for one that understands what that means! Otherwise some real a-holes will tell you to just martyr yourself for these spoiled children's love. Please don't do that to yourself.

You are hooked! You've found your tribe here. I felt so lonely and sad before I found this site and therapists really couldn't relate, so, having said that, we are here for you! 

Are the kids guests? No. I would think their dad would say they're part of the family. Family members should share in chores and responsibilities. Period.

I agree it sounds like a big respect problem from your H. And if he lets the kids be disrespectful to you, that's also a big no-no.

Disengaging, seeking (qualified) help and separating finances are great suggestions. Disney Dad wants to lavish money on his angels? Let him do it with his own money.

I felt like I must be a horrible person for not loving my SS. So glad I found this site and learned that what I was feeling (or not feeling) was normal!

Don't let him give you the responsibility of taking care of his kids but no authority to manage them. 

Welcome to this site. I remember when I was sitting alone googling because I started to feel defeated.

Things I have learned that have helped me survive stephell.

I keep our finances seperate.

I put the responsibility for the day to day care of SKs in SO. I still have standards for things like cleanliness. But if SO isn't going to parent and make SKs do it. Then he is going to do it. So basically I don't care how it gets done it's going to get done and I'm not going to be the one doing it.

When SKs don't respect me, I disengage and don't do anything for them. You want/ need something, ask your father. I refuse to include SKs in any pkantI make when they aren't respectful of me. 

What I have learned is SKs have pent up anger and resentment when PAS occurs. When you take yourself out of the equation and refuse to allow yourself to be the target. That aggression ends up being targeted at the available parent. 

SO and I have been in counseling where we work on parenting issues.

Um, has your DH ever corrected his kids and told them that their view of you is wrong? That you're not a homewrecker and any more talk about that will be met with swift punishment of some sort? If not, that's reason enough to tell him and his kids to fly a kite and boot them to the curb.

Remind your husband that you don't NEED him. You make more money than him. You have few kids than him, which means less responsiblity. Your kids actually DO chores so you don't NEED his help to keep house. He sounds like more of a burden than a boon, and tossing in his disrespectful attitude with his disrespectful kids just makes me scratch my head as to why someone who is as independent, smart, and driven as you are has hitched her wagon to this flock of jacka$$es. 

You don't NEED this. But your DH sure as Hades needs you. He needs your income, he needs you helping keep house, he needs you to be the emotional punching bag for his kids' anger at the divorce. Of course you're going to get push back when you go to separate finances because he actually has something to lose - and it's something he's not entitled to!

If he wants to raise his kids the way he was raised, that's fine. But it happens on his dime and with him breaking his back. If he wants help, he needs to take it up with his ex. Marrying you meant that he had to rethink how his family was going to be structured, and it sounds like you've done a lot more bending than he has.

Just keep repeating to yourself "I don't need him, I WANT him." And if at any point you can't say "I want him" and mean it, then you know where you're standing in your relationship.

Welcome to the site, you have been given a wealth of great advice and knowledge. My take is you have a serious DH problem, he relies on you to provide the lifestyle he wants for his children and then treats you like an inconvenience. So keep asking yourself the question why are you allowing this? Keep exploring those hard questions and stop providing the financial support.

Im over 6 years in this, married almost 3, here on this site over 4 years apparently. I too, came here after googling "how to deal with difficult stepchildren". If you care to read my blogs, you will see why. I have 2 skiddos, the eldest is 21, with no drivers license, no job and taking 1 college course, lives with the bio mother, Toxic Troll. I call her Feral Forger SD21. The younger, she is kind, sweet, respectful and we get along REALLY well. I have no bios of my own, and treat her like shes my kid, and she actually likes that and accepts that. I call her Munchkin SD14almost15.

Most of the time, like MUCH of the time, the issues that I see presented, are deep issues with the bio parents. Deep issues in the relationships. The children are a bi-product of the toxicity that the bio parents have created. From everything you have described, you have a partner problem. You know this. Im just reiterating what you yourself know. But let me be clear, I am not saying "leave the dolt", but perhaps re-think how you want your life to go, now and in the future.

Is this really where you see yourself being? Youve been with this guy for 12 years, married 6. You make really great money. You write intelligently. Correct punctuation and paragraphing is very important in steptalk...lol. Just kidding. Sort of.

Ok, now your partner is a Disney Dad who "suffers" from divorce guilt. So Guilty Daddy syndrome as well. Hes also mooching and draining your energies and monies to satisfy these children who treat you like you dont exist:
"I get treated as if I don't exist for the last 12 years because my step kids believe what their mother told them as true."
- You need to have a big talk about how they are to treat you from here on out. Typically its advised to get your partner away from the kids and do it separate from them "to get on the same page". You might have to go scorched earth on his spawn.

How does your kiddo feel watching you be treated like a doormat with a wallet? An ATM for the precious spawn from your partners Failed First Family Attempt???? Do they have resentment? They should, or eventually they will. 

"I have been insulted, bashed and slammed by the ex for years all in front of the kids. Never once have I been disrespectful and called her out on her lies either to her face or to the kids."

Yeah, you will not get any gold stars for holding your thoughts inside. And yes, you absolutely cannot say anything bad or disrespectful about the spawns bio parents, but calling them out and calling her out, you ABSOLUTELY can and should. I do it (delicately), when Munchkin tries to tell me one of Toxic Trolls re-written histories of how her father was just always "angry and jealous and thats why they got divorced..." my response is "well he was angry and jealous because she was off with other guys, sweety..." Toxic Troll is a high conflict golden-uterus bm (HCGUBM), who feels she is entitled and must be given everything she demands because she gave birth. 

"He gets mad at me when I tell them we can't financially afford the things he wants to do for them - elite travel baseball, travel volleyball and then he ignores me and signs them up anyway draining our savings. "

DH and I have separated our finances. If he cant buy a new fishing reel thats on him. If he cant afford to do something or buy something for kiddo, its on him. He would NEVER consider taking my money and applying to anything with kiddos. I do things and buy things because I WANT to, period. So get a new bank account pronto. Cut that ch!t off. You are not his personal ATM any longer.

This is momma bear cLove shaking her finger at you. 

So basically they are there 1/2 the month and at BM's the other half. So does that mean they don't have to do anything over there either?

DH used to be like this but I fought some battles over the years and now SD16 makes her bed, keeps her room clean, does her own laundry, cleans her own shower and toilet and will help clean up after dinner if I want her too. (To be honest thoughI usually tell her no thanks so she and DH can go off upstaris or to the living room and I can be in the kitchen by myself cleaning it the way I like.