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Completely left out

Kelly M Garcia's picture

My DH will only visit and hang out with my teenage SDs without me because they don't like me. When they are here at the house, they stay in their room and he will go hang out with them but they don't acknowledge anyone else in the house.  It really really hurts because I have tried for 8 years to love them,  and sadly, I really do love them.  My husband and i have argued about it and he says that he will not force them to love me and i get that.  I just wish that i could stop caring so much.  He spends as much time as he can with them because he says that they are at that age where they really need him (14 and 16). My self esteem is shot and I am really really starting to resent my SDs. Any help out there?

Comments

yougotthis's picture

You've been in their lives since they were 6 and 8 you'd think they'd have some sort of love for you, that's harsh I'm sorry you're going through that. I don't understand how anyone could not at least appreciate someone who's been in their lives helping to raise them since they were kids. What are they like? Are they spoiled brats? 

Wilhelm's picture

That seems pretty rude. If they are at your house I would expect them to join in. I would not expect an adult to be going to their rooms.

tog redux's picture

He can't force them to love you, but he can insist that they respect you. And by doing what he's doing, he's giving them the message that their feelings are way more important that yours.

I don't think I'd stay with this guy long-term. This will be a chronic problem, where them "needing him" is more important than anything you need.

Harry's picture

They live in your home.  SD don't have to love you but must respect you.  In joining in with family activities,   Saying hello ,good by.   How are you going.  Ect 

Winterglow's picture

No, they don't have to love you but a minimum of respect is needed. Your DuH is basically allowing them, nay, enabling them to treat you like some kind of an outcast. WTF does he think that not only is that acceptable but that he should be playing the same game? What kind of a "man" treats his wife (you know, the one he vowed to love, honour and respect...) like a leper? As for hanging out with a pair of teens in their room - what adult does that? Or is he afraid that if he asks them to come out and do something else they'll leave?

How often are they there? Please tell me it isn't 50-50 ...

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I can understand as a father making time for your kids. But he should also spend time with you and make it known to them that he is going to spend time with his wife and  they are free to join him. 

Evil4's picture

When I went through this my therapist said it's abuse. I ended up with C-PTSD because of it. Those bitches need their chains yanked and your DuH is enabling his WIFE to be abused. It IS abuse. One of the tenets in the Step-Mother's Bill if Rights is "I will not be treated like an interloper in my own marriage/home." Don't stand for it. Have a come to Jesus meeting with your DuH and tell him that the abuse ends before the sun sets today or there's gonna be a problem. If you're not ready to risk losing a weak man who placed his balls in his daughters' purses then go to counseling to work out why you accept this as a marriage. Why is this good enough for you?

tog redux's picture

I agree that it's abuse. Excluding someone is a very powerful way to harm them. And when OP confronts it, he makes very clear that her feelings and needs are not important to him. But he wraps it all up as "for the kids" so she will feel guilty about speaking up for her own needs. Very disempowering and invalidating. 

Stepdrama2020's picture

You know that you deserve better than this. Those two B's do not deserve you. Your DH does not deserve you. He enables the abuse, so in my books he is abusive to. How often are these spoiled B's at your home? 

Regardless imagine how honey pot  your life would be where the people you live with love and respect you. The only way to get that is to move on.

Trust me your life will be blessed without them.

 

ndc's picture

In what world does your husband think it's remotely acceptable to "visit" his kids in their rooms at your house to enable them to exclude you? If he wants to visit with them or spend time with them elsewhere, that's one thing.  It's quite another to prioritize their desires and allow them to be rude and to shun you in your home.  His behavior is unacceptable. 

Winterglow's picture

I wonder how he'd react if she pointed out how creepy that is? Or asked him how many other fathers he knew who spent entire weekends in their teenage daughters' bedroom? 

shellpell's picture

This is so not ok. Your husband is contributing to the problem instead of parenting them and expecting them to respect you. Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? 

justmakingthebest's picture

As step parents I fully believe that we don't have to love our spouses kids. I do feel that our only "job" is to be kind and treat them with basic common courtesy. Their job is to be respectful and once again show common courtesy. 

Leaving you out, making you feel that you don't matter in your own home is unacceptable from.both your husband and his daughters. 

Now you have to decide if you respect yourself enough to put your foot down.