Feeling Used
Hello all ! Long time lurker first time poster so forgive any errors.
My fiancee and I have recently moved 1000 miles away because his ex wanted a different "lifestyle". While the initial plan was to sue as she'd be taking the kids with her DH decided we would move out there once our current rent was up.
DH has been out of work for 6 months now . He is trying extremely hard but has had some bad luck. We moved here two months ago as my job let me stay on remote. I've carried the security deposit bills etc. It's not that he doesn't offer to help in his own way but I know he's starting to chip into his retirement savings to pay child support and car insurance.
Back home we went from being intimate very often but after he lost his job he hardly wants to. He kept saying once we move he'd be in the mood more often but it's even less. He even treats my needs as a joke.
We spend three days a week with his kids. While they aren't bad kids their mother has them cosleeping which means every night is a challenge to get them to get to bed. I know I should be understanding as they are kids but part of me dreads having them over. They are 3 and 6 and BOTH need bottles to sleep still.
We had to watch both his kids and BMs 15 year old son this weekend. DH has always been a father figure to him as his dad spilt very early on. While I'm happy they got to touch base DH annouces that he's going to spend every Sunday morning with him surfing.
We already have the kids from 7 on Fridays til 6 on Saturdays now meaning the only day off I get to have time with my fiancee is dug into. I'm not sure if I should be embarssed of being jealous of children getting this much personal time with him or upset that I'm basically a bank and babysitter.
Am I overreacting? Sorry for the rant.
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Comments
It's always a possibility
It's always a possibility that a NCP can gain 100% custody (CP dies or is incapacitated). Had they stayed married, your DH would be a full-time father. Since he's currently unemployed, he may be taking advantage of having them as often as possible. Sorry. Is it the job market or does he have specialized skills that aren't common where you are? Perhaps he can find some out-of-town assignments.
As for the lack of intimacy... He may not feel 'manly' because he's not working and it's affecting his libido. Sad, but true. Suggest to your DH that you two schedule some couple time.
Not bad advice
I guess I'm just afraid he'll see it as selfish.
He was very picky about where to work ( he's a sales director) and the money here is far less than Chicago. He has some prospects but it's hard to have to be the sole bread winner this long.
Beggars can't be choosers.
Beggars can't be choosers. You foot the bill for the move to be closer to HIS kids and he refuses to get a job because hes picky...run,girl, rrrruuuuunnn!
Definitely a thought
He is a decent father and spouse though. He just doesn't seem to understand anyone's feelings. He's had some below him prospects come up and at this point he's taking the first offer he gets
He should be afraid that YOU
He should be afraid that YOU'LL see HIM as selfish. I think it's fine to be picky for a few months, especially if you have a severance package. After that, you take a job, any job, and support yourself and your family while you continue to look for a position you think is more suitable. What would he do if he didn't have you to support him?
He does have some money
I'm just a weirdo about him using it as that supposed to be retirement savings So definitely my fault there
Wait, he still unemployed
Wait, he still unemployed because he's "PICKY" about where he works?????WTH
He's using you. A respectable man would take any job he could find until his dream job came along. That way he would be able financial contribute to the home. The fact he is willing to remain unemployed until his dream job falls into his lap shows that he doesn't care that you are doing all o f the heavy lifting financially.
Why do you want to be intimate with a man that is using you?
No more bottles!! Wtf?! I don
No more bottles!! Wtf?! I don't know about the 15 year old.. There are posters on here whose DH's still see their ex skids so I *try* to understand the dynamic. If your husband treats sex as a "joke" there is a real problem in your marriage.
Youre supporting a grown man
Youre supporting a grown man with kids? You're not even married and the intimacy is in the toilet and he makes a joke out of your needs. He can surf every sunday and spend time with a kid that isnt his but he cant get a job or spend time with you. I call bullsh*t.
I suggest you sit and write a pros vs cons list about staying/leaving in the relationship because you're still in time to save yourself from this.
Other posters have already
Other posters have already said what I wanted to post- He needs to take the next job he finds, even burger king. He has no right to be picky with where he works, he needs to support his family. Has child support been recalculated since he is out of work and you guys have the kids almost 1/2 the time? He really shouldn't have much to pay right now, even if it is temporary until he finds work again. Also, bottles go in the trash. Then end. They will cry, they will wine, but be the grown up's in the house and say no. It will be a miserable week or so with them, but it will end, I promise!
Duh - this loser/user is
Duh - this loser/user is using you. It’s not imaginary.
Tell him that you feel used
Tell him that you feel used and if he takes your words for a joke make sure you express yourself LOUD & CLEAR. Tell him that you are tired, frustrated (sexually as well) and you need him to do his part. You should not have to spend your day off taking care of his kids. He is not being considerate and if he wants to go surfing he should limit it to two Sundays a month and take the small kids to the beach and do something with them as well. If he is not appreciating you now, what makes you think its going to be like when you both get married?
Really rethink this relationship with him and have a serious talk on how you feel.