What steptalk has taught me and decisions
( insert 80s training video music here)
We have a new influx of posters. Hi y'all! Hope this site is giving you advice. This is going to be an update/ reasons you should hed the advice here going into things as a new poster
1. My DH is still a silent push over. Here's how I started to learn how to not care
So my DH has grown from being full on Disney dad to having decent discipline and boundaries. While it's nice he still has not asked BM for the password to get SD7s grades
Any takers on why? My guesses are
A. He knows SD7 is well behind and him not stepping up ( or at least holding BM accountable ) is to blame
B. He doesn't want to add conflict
C. He doesn't care enough
I've learned to ignore this. If he can't care I'm not going to get yelled at for asking about it. Because that would make me an evil stepmom . Thanks steptalk!( Seriously I'd be down his throat asking otherwise)
2. I am not having a baby with this man
Sure I love him to pieces but after saying "he's a great dad" here for so long I've realized no. Nope. Definitely not. Did he care enough to move ? Yes. Is he constantly glued to his phone or taking half hour bathroom breaks upstairs when SD is here? Of course
He also really doesn't want to force a relationship with his youngest to the point she has epic PAS.
While I'd love to have a baby for my mom to be a grandma to spoil them rotten. While I'd love to have a baby that isn't tainted by BM for his family who hauled ass just to be in their lives again. For me? No.
And I understand a lot of people think having a kid is very important. It just isn't for me with a spouse like mine. He's not a bad spouse but he isn't really going to be the best dad and I'd honestly prefer a pet. Because at least if there's too much drama I can move on without having to deal with him ever again.
3. I'm trusting my gut ( and so should you!)
DH used to be all pissy when I slept in on weekends. Telling me how sad eldest SD was I would not see her off.
My gut told me to stick to my guns and enjoy sleeping in on Sundays. Despite his pissyness DH came around realizing that while I love his kids they are HIS kids and I'm not a novelty to entertain. I work all week and if I want to sleep til noon on Sundays he needs to deal with it.
( 80s outro music)
And this is why ladies ( and all three or so of our resident gents ) steptalk may be right for you!
- Lady.Tremaine's blog
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Comments
I should add my sister in law
I should add my sister in law really deserves a child. She can't conceive and if there is a higher power it's so cruel that someone that a way better parent than DH or BM may not get a chance.
Sorry for the separate rant but she handmade these beautiful bracelets for the steps and I wanted to cry because it's not just that- it's everything this woman who BM shunned from the kids does . The world is a strange place .
Great Blog
Appreciate everything you wrote. Eye-opening.
Stepulti ( yes the
Stepulti ( yes the transformer name I've gifted you) I hope you are doing awesome
Transformer Name Upgrade!
Aw, thanks Lady T. LOVE my upgraded Transformer ST handle!!
-Stepulti*
*"Trans-for-mers! More than meets the eye!" = Total 80's cartoon theme-song flashback!
good points. Steptalk helped
good points. Steptalk helped me a lot in my past stephe$$. Sometimes reading on ST helps to see what's real and what's BS. Like your DH doesn't need BM for getting kids grades. School would provide passwords for online grade system. That's yet another excuse. BS.
Good idea trusting your guts, sleep in. You need it. Seeing SD off isn't a major life event.
Many people can't conceive. It's sad. But there are other ways to have children. Have your SIL thought of anything else like adoption?
honestly if you want children I'd not kill that dream because you chose this man for a husband. Pets are great but they aren't children. If you don't want children it's fine but if you do I'd give it a serious thought. Is he worth for you to not to have the life you want? men are great and all that. But there is more to life than men. Don't give up on having kids on his account if it's important to you
She has been considering it.
She has been considering it. Fingers crossed something happens for her and my brother in law soon
I'm not a person that NEEDS a kid. I completely understand folks who do but for me it's not an end all be all sort of thing.
Good for you! It's hard for
Good for you! It's hard for all of us to be honest about our situation and change ourselves in response to it.
I'd agree with Livingoutloud, though - if you want a child, have one. Your DH may not be a fantastic father, but he's a caring father, not abusive, and if you are willing to do the heavy lifting of parenting (with him helping as you ask him to), things might work out fine.
And if you split up, you know he'll let you control everything, lol.
Oh god the last part killed
Oh god the last part killed me. True but eh I'm just honestly a dog/cat person. No teen years, unconditional love, and comforting to have around.
If you want kids but are not
If you want kids but are not because your husband is a crap father, you need a different husband instead of giving up having kids.
You might be "ok" with that now, but it will end up being your life regret.
ETA: What steptalk should teach everyone, is to not give up on their individual needs and wants for or because of the "first family".
100 percent. We can't all get
100 percent. We can't all get everything we want but if it's a sacrifice because of the first family that is a messed up situation. Yes we've all probably done things we didn't want to do at some point but I think a lot of newer posters ( and some older ones) just don't have that line that is not to be crossed or they simply let it be crossed
For example - BM is not to step foot in my home anymore. I made this clear to DH . If he let this happen I would be extremely irate and find some minor boundary of his to cross. Or just leave if I'm not feeling petty ..
What steptalk should teach
What steptalk should teach everyone, is to not give up on their individual needs and wants for or because of the "first family"
I agree but she has stated that having a kid is not a need for her, or even a lifelong dream or want.
Some people really want kids, some people really don't, and some are truly neutral about it. I know that's hard for some to understand, but if she doesn't feel the need to have a kid with her husband and is fine with it, that's her choice.
I could kiss you right now if
I could kiss you right now if there wasn't covid. THANK YOU
I wonder if a true reason not
I wonder if a true reason not having kids with him is because he doesn't want more kids plus he is so much older. Most women who alter their lives and dreams because of men regret it later. You already gave up a lot. You are now giving up a fundamental thing. You lost yourself in this marriage. No man is worth it
He's actually told me on
He's actually told me on multiple occasions I'd make an awesome mom and that he would be happy to have a kid with me
My problem is the drama and his parenting just don't add up to me being happy about it. I don't want to be a single mom while married and having a baby isn't a driving force in my life at this point. This is when baby fever is supposed to be in high gear but honestly I'd rather use the money from having a baby to go on a few couples vacations.
I'm glad you've hit a point
I'm glad you've hit a point where you accept that this is your life and how your DH will be.
Now, ask the next (and painful) question: is this what you want for decades and decades to come?
I hit the point where you are at with my XH, and I'm very glad I didn't just accept contentment. Being "content" only lasts so long before you realize that it's really just settling.
Life is far too short to just be "okay" with where you're at. Fight like hell for what you want and don't accept "eh" unless 95% of your other wants and needs are fulfilled.
I'm extremely happy with my
I'm extremely happy with my marriage sans the drama of the stepkids but he's also been decent enough to keep boundaries I set. He doesn't revert to guilty dad and he's kept steady at it for over a year at this point.
I'm honestly proud as I read of so many of these DHs just fawning over their kids well into adulthood. He loves the kids but he's not going to say their S--T doesn't stink. We've already had the talk regarding the kids as young adults because I wanted to make things very very clear what I expect and he 100 percent agreed with my boundaries. Now could this change ? Definitely but I'm sticking to my guns and he is a lot more strict than a lot of spouses here. He doesn't want his kids to grow up to be losers with no goals lounging around our home
Of course many people don't
Of course many people don't want kids. There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids.
If OP just said that, there will be zero discussion on the topic. But she said she won't have kids because of how her husband is. "With a spouse like mine". It did sound he is a reason for not having children. It's all kind of sad. But if a true reason for not having kids is simply not wanting kids, then it's all good. it's not hard to understand at all.
I know ton of people who don't want children and it's not a big deal or some kind of difficult notion for people to grasp.