Hell Breaks Loose- Part 2
When I questioned DH what happened tonight, he said if I was so damn unhappy I should take our son and move out this summer.
WTH! That came from way out in left field. I wasn't expecting that. I froze for a moment, before telling him I wasn't talking about us right now, I was talking to him about his kids. He says it always comes back to us- and to me, being unhappy. "If you were happy, maybe things wouldn't seem so bad." And that's just the thing. I haven't been unhappy, in outwardly depressed sense of the word. I have disengaged from the kids, so that might make me appear unhappy. But really, I'm not. i've let go of the messy house- ok, for the most part. I've been working to make sure I do something each day that is truly for me, that makes me happy.... Ok, I digress...
I didn't want to get into a fight with him. I wanted to know why he didn't even hear SS15's side of the story. I told him I felt that if he didn't contact his son tonight, he would lose him forever. I told DH 15 had already lost a parent this week- he didn't need to lose another one. (BM gave him a note this week that said she was done with him until his behavior and attitude toward her improved. See post "the letter.")
Every time I tried to turn the conversation back to the boys, he tried to turn it on me. I told him I wasn't going to let him do that. I told him I understood our marriage seems to be at a "make or break" point, but I wasn't going to have him make that decision at a time when he was mad at the skids. I told him it hurt like hell to think he could ask me- and our son- to leave so easily. I told him I thought he was just trying to turn it on me because he was afraid to look at his role in the mess. I handed him his cell and told him to call his son. (New to my drama? SS15 went to Grandpa's- my FIL- about 2 hours ago)
I'm numb. I really don't know what to do now. A huge part of me is relieved he said what he felt- leave. Another part of me sees it as a test to see how much I love him and am willing to work on it. I don't know if I know the answer to that. A snow storm is moving in. As teachers and parents, we all may be stuck at home together tomorrow. I'll think about it then. I'm gathering a few things to get ready to sleep on the couch. He may not have really meant for me to leave, but he said it, and that's enough for me tonight. I make it a habit not to sleep in the same bed with people who hate me...
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It is OK to go to bed angry.
It is OK to go to bed angry. I know you know that but give yourself permission. Go to bed, rest and hopefully cooler heads will prevail in the morning allowing for a more level discussion. But do let him kow that there is never a time when throwing in the towel on the marriage is OK, unless he's really sure he means it. That's not a card you play to get the upperhand.
I agree completely. It is so
I agree completely. It is so difficult to just "not be mad" in a snap of a finger. I'm sorry you are going through this... and I know that I'm still a new girl but you'll always have us to have your back...
Has he addressed the fact
Has he addressed the fact that SS14 hit you? A teenager hitting a parental figure is not acceptable, and by not addressing it your DH is sending him the message that it's OK to hit out at you.
Perhaps you could give SS15 a call? I know you said you'd disengaged, but just a quick call to say 'I know this wasn't your fault, I hope you come home soon' will let him know that you care, even if his father is too angry to do so at the moment.
Have you spoken to DH about you disengaging? I'm wondering if part of his anger is that he doesn't understand why you've done it, so he sees you not getting involved with the skids, but then later on are questioning him about how he deals with them. I think if you're going to disengage you've got to do so completely, and not then be seen to criticise how he handles situations.
Finally - you mentioned previously that SS14 seemed to have outgrown bi-polar - from what I know about it (I've a close friend with it) it's not something you grow out of, it's part of you for life, so perhaps he needs to go back to the Dr to get checked out.
SS14 abuse tonight was all
SS14 abuse tonight was all verbal. He has hit me once before, and there was a consequence. So much so that it hasn't happened again.
I did call SS15 and try to get his side of the story. I told him I hoped he would come home soon. If the weather holds, I plan to go to his basketball game tonight just to see him.
I've tried to discuss the idea of "disengagement" with my husband, but the problem is, he's a man and he doesn't know how to listen.
This morning, I just feel dead inside.
"I HAD to pick the road less traveled..."