No Judgement need to vent ~ feeling pretty alone

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So I am a step-mom and a bio-mom as many may know from my posts.

Right now my son is having a pretty serious issue which I have been helping him deal with. I pretty much dealt with it on my own and didn't even mention it to my DH until weeks later. Just told him about it, didn't expect him to do anything just listen.

So last night I talked with my son and I was a little upset after as he is in a bad situation through no fault of his own. So, I go to my DH and tell him what happened hoping for a little encouragement. Instead I get a pretty nasty comment. I wasn't asking him for anything I was just looking for someone to listen as no one else knows anything about my son's issue.

I didn't say anything to my DH at first I just said ok and walked away and went on with what I had been doing. It just hurt me and ate at me that my DH acted that way. His kids have caused us trouble for 20 years and I have never said anything to him. I have stood by him, encouraged him and even helped the SK's on many occasions. I am hurt and shocked that he would make a comment about my son whom I thought he liked.

Tonight I finally said something to my DH and that is why I am here. He totally turned it around on me like it was my fault or problem. My son has never asked us for anything and isn't asking now. I guess I always knew but now I really know this, yet another reason why second marriages have issues when there are kids involved. I am not saying he has to love my child like his own although that would be nice, but if he loves me and something is upsetting me, supporting me through it I guess is something I thought a husband should do. My step-kids are nightmares most of the time but I never say anything to him nor would I. But I did say tonight, "your kids have had many issues all through our marriage and I have never said anything to you. I have stood by you and helped your kids. The first time ever that my son has a problem I get a nasty comment. He gets mad and says that wasn't what he meant. Well what did he mean? He couldn't answer.

I will deal with my sons problem on my own. I will never say another word to him. I am also heartbroken for my son and don't know what to do for him.

I am so sorry!!

Its so hard being married for the second time with step kids and bio kids.....

I have 3 kids from a previous marriage and even though I have a husband I am still a single mom in all the ways. And honestly my DH is like a single dad. We do our own thing with our own kids and it's such a weird thing....

Thank you !! It is

It is very hard!! I don't know what could make it easier. I do see people with step-parents that seem to really care and I don't know how they get it to work.

Did he offer an unsolicited

Did he offer an unsolicited solution? Because there is sometimes a different way that men and women communicate. Women want to be "heard" and men hear the women's issues.. and feel that they need to offer an explanation or solution.. which is not at all what the women really want. They don't want the men to fix it or comment on the cause.. just hear them.

I think you may have met that response with this?

Agreed..

I definitely agree that is a very good analogy of how men are. Unfortunately it was not like that at all.

When I talked to my son I held it in and tried not to comment as the situation is new and I need to hold my opinions. So when I was finished talking to my son I went to my DH to tell him the latest events and discuss how I really felt. Instead of offering any encouragement or even saying sorry like strangers on this site have even done, he said he is a big boy he'll figure it out. Which to me is a total dismissal of the issue at all. To me that translates as "Not my problem and not yours either" and who cares.

Never once have I said anything like that to him when his kids create ALL of their own problems. Nope I listen and see what I can do to help.

Honestly, I think you are

Honestly, I think you are overreacting. Unless your son is dealing with a really scary medical diagnosis or otherwise life and death situation, your husband's comment should not be affecting you like this. If anything, his comment indicates that he thinks your son is capable of handling the situation.

What is happening with your kid?

my feelings and I asked no judgment please...

I am feeling alone and asked for no judgment ...

Trust me anyone saying that someone is a big boy or girl and they will figure it out is NEVER a kind comment meaning they think someone is capable of handling a situation. If you think so you have been seriously fooled by someone. It is never meant in a good way.

I think if he had said, "Hey,

I think if he had said, "Hey, DS has a good head on his shoulders, he will figure this out," it would be different than a dismissive comment that he's " a big boy and can figure it out."

Yes Tog exactly!!

Yes that is exactly right. Instead what he said was flip and sarcastic which made me feel dismissed and my son and his problem dismissed. I was shocked after I had been there for him and never said anything like that in 20 years of problems with his kids.

Oh, but you know what the

Oh, but you know what the answer is going to be when his kids have problems goimg forward, though....right?!

Same? Except Big Boy

Or girl depending on which kid?

Translation of comments,

Translation of comments, particularly by the opposite gender in a couple partnership relationship can be a poor choice of time, thought and emotion. I am not judging, nor am I arguing.

This is a repeat point of contention that rarely goes down a good path for my bride and I. When we are in a serious discussion, particularly on the topic of the Skid or family, if the response to a comment that I make starts with "So, you are saying........" it invariably does not go well from that point on. I have learned to not explain my comments because it just leads down a rathole of unproductive misunderstanding. So, I have adopted the "Those words never left my lips and I have never had those thoughts. I said exactly what I meant." This usually stops the degradation of the conversation though it does not always end the frustration.

Though I am not privy to your relationship with your DH, it may just be that he does think that your DS is a smart young man and will figure it out. When it comes to parenting, men are not as fully integrated into the process nor do we tend to delve as extensively into problems that our children are experiencing. We tend to be more direct and less tender in our parenting.

At least I am that way, as is my dad.

I truly hope that is the case with your DH's comments and participation in the discussion of your son's challenges.

Hopefully your DH is right and your son will work it out.

Deep breaths mom.

Thank you Rags ..... AND update

Thank you Rags for your prospective. It definitely helps!!

Update...

Thank you all for the comments and reaching out with advice. Sorry I have not been back sooner. My son has kept me pre-occupied over the last week.

My DH came to me and offered help and whatever my son needed or whatever he could do for him. While he never apologized or said that he didn't mean the comment as I took it he did show concern for my son and compassion to his situation by offering help. I accepted this as he was sorry for the comment.

We have moved on and we are helping my son together. Thank you all again. My heart is hurting for all my son is going through and he lives a distance from me . I am having many sleepless nights but at least it feels as though my DH is on my side. And I must say it helps to have Step talk and all of you kind souls too!!!

Well I Otta

If I had a nickle for everytime my good intentions turned to S**T lol Id be a millionaire.

I have actually had both of my feet in my mouth at the same time.

God I wished I saw more colour. I like you follow in my fathers footsteps.A sometime less than nurturing comment

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Regards Jake

Jake,

Yep, my world is very black and white. Not much grey. Combine that with an analytical slant and a strong intuitive/expressive personality type and my focus tends to be on solutions and root cause determination rather than a comprehensive investigation of amorphous minutia. Problem, Action, Result. If the result is not adequate, adjust and act again.

Lather, rince repeat.

Regards,

Rags

Hope everything works out

Hope everything works out with your son.

Honestly, you SHOULD have been pointing out how his kids affect you, that's a reasonable thing to do. Then you could remark on how you've put up with so much and he can't even be supportive on this one occasion.

Sorry he's being a jerk.

Thank you.....

Thank you! I probably should have but I thought it was obvious that his kids were screwing up and he did not need me to point it out. I thought I was being nice and supportive, never dreaming that if the tables were turned he would be a jerk!

I did point it out last night how many times his kids caused issues and I never said a word. Not to mention that every time those kids cause an issue it gets crazy BM back on his and bothering us so it is a compound problem that I have to deal with.

Also not to compare but his kids cause ALL of their own problems. This issue is not my son's fault, and he also tried to fix it without telling us at all.

I am sorry that

I am sorry that you are dealing with this. Unfortunately, the bottom line is that second marriages often are very lonely and just different than the first. In the first one you are growing together and building a life. Your problems and joys are either mutual or at least you are there when they happen for the other person. Once the second marriage comes, each of you have an existing life that the other was no part of creating and, as much as you may love each other, there is almost no way there can be that level of investment even if you want it. Kids, businesses, careers - even the most supportive and loving spouse was not there when those things were being built and doesn't have that gut level attachment. And those that are too self-absorbed to even try or who want you to invest in their issues but don't want to reciprocate are by nature going to leave you looking elsewhere for support.

Spot on..

WOW!! As sad of a reality that it is you are spot on! It is so true what you said and such a sad reality.

I just would have hoped that he would have done the same for me as I have for him and your right I do look elsewhere for support. Unfortunatly I don't have anyone I trust enough to tell the whole story too so I end up keeping a lot inside!

Tell us what us happening

Tell us what us happening with your son...

It's hard to give accurate advice when everything is so vague.

It was confidential

And I am usually vague on my posts because I worry things are searchable.

My husband's comment is really what this was about and his lack of empathy for me and my son when I have been empathetic to him for years. It doesn't matter how large of an issue you think I should be upset about it is his total disregard of me, my son and how many times I have been there for him and didn't say those nasty words.

While I appreciate your response it is not directly looking for advice with my son's issue it is all about my Husbands' response.

As I pointed out earlier, it

As I pointed out earlier, it is impossible to tell if your husband's response was out of line without knowing what prompted it.

I understand not feeling supported as a stepparent. That feeling sucks. I also understand what it feels like to have your spouse freak out over a single, mostly innocent, comment about their precious poopsie.

Exactly my point....

Exactly my point!! Just what exactly about my post prompted you to call my son " precious poopsie."

Apparently I struck some kind of nerve with you that made you feel like you had to be nasty to me. Nothing constructive or helpful about your input. No reason for you to turn my unfortunate situation around into something nasty.

The issue was that he was

The issue was that he was dismissing her feelings. Even if he thought she was overreacting, he could help her see that in a nicer way.

Most of us

Many of us do not have anyone that we can be fully honest with in real life. You never know when someone will turn on you and spill something told in confidence. Everyone has had that happen to them. That is why therapists and places like this exist. You can spill your guts and it is safe. Sad, huh?

I fully understand how you feel. My own DH had a lot going on when we got together. A divorce dragging on literally for years and custody being used as a weapon in the divorce. I am a widow with no kids and I can handle my own sh*t so I did not really need anything from him. I had had a very happy and mutually supportive marriage so it did not occur to me that someone who loved me that I had "been there for" would not return the favor. Marriage is marriage, right? WRONG. We had the usual conflict over how to deal with the skids but that was not me "needing him" in a personal way. When I had a major issue several years in where I needed support, he had no idea what to do and was either unable to comprehend or unwilling to be educated as to what I needed. Surprise! And not a good one. Self-absorbed people do not always come clearly marked.