I fell off the wagon
We got back together for a bit. The STBXW created hell, using the kids to hurt him, using information about my past to hurt me. I realised that while I'm putting up with all the drama, all the hurt, what is it for? Is love enough? No. Not when loving someone comes with so much unhappiness and anxiety. I ended the relationship again. I've taken my things from his place, returned his.
I know I would always be second best. I would have our life together ruled by a woman I've never met. Their children would continue to treat me like a servant, as would be. I would watch my child free friends enjoy their partners, make memories together, while all we did was survive the latest visit from his spawn or the next tantrum from his wife.
I had coffee with him 2 days ago and I realised he bores me to tears. He's so wrapped up in himself!
I talked to my family about him and even then said they don't like spending time with him as everything has to be about him, all he does it talk about himself!
I know all of this and I'm appalled by it. So why do I feel sad? I've had 2 weeks of peace. My anxiety is going away. I've almost entirely stopped yanking out my hair. I feel at ease, so why do I feel sad?!
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You feel sad because you are
You feel sad because you are mourning your relationship, not the one you had but the one you hoped you'd have. This is all very normal. Allow yourself to wallow in it for a few days then go and do something you REALLY enjoy, preferably with friends, and reconnect with the good life!
Good for you for getting out with your sanity intact!
Sometimes you need to go back
Sometimes you need to go back to be sure you've made the right choice. Now you know. It's normal to be sad at the ending of something you invested time and effort into. Be proud of yourself for having the strength and courage to call it off.
Maybe you're disappointed
Maybe you're disappointed that he wasn't as great as he seemed at the beginning. And after trying so hard to make him palatable, he tastes even worse after you've already had too much of him.
Unlike a bad meal, the nasty taste lingers longer because of the emotional attachment. It's OK. You know it will go away. Take a little pleasure knowing you're denying him of your awesomeness.
I dated so many men over the years before I married. I remember feeling like you do. But there's no greater feeling than knowing you made the best match for yourself and looking back on all those stooges and thinking, "Thank god I didn't marry him."
There are a lot of great matches out there each of us, but they're a lot harder to find than the so-so and bad matches. You have to test a lot of them and chuck 'em out as soon as you know they're a dud if you want to have the stamina to find a great match.
Be kind to yourself and feel better soon!
All humans have a moment of
All humans have a moment of disappointment when expectations don’t meet reality. This is normal and you will bounce back when you remind yourself what goals you can achieve without this person in your life.