Am I an overstepping SM? Do I have any choice?
There has been a lot of talk on the ol' interwebs recently about overstepping stepmoms. There seems to be an underlying theme that SM's shouldn't have any say when there are two capable parents who can make a decision regarding their children. I would agree entirely, to a point. Do I think an SM should be able to make decisions about an elective, non-necessary medical treatment without consulting parents? Not a chance. Do I think SM's should have the right to request certain testing of their step-children for educational or mental health reasons? Nope. Do I think an SM should have the right to decide certain things like appropriate punishment and rules in the home.....here it gets a little blurrier.
I am definitely what someone might describe as an overstepping step parent. I give the kids chores, I give them punishments (never corporal mind you), rewards and make most of the decisions regarding laundry duties and room chores. I set their bed times, help them with homework, give them baths, read them bedtime stories and pick out their clothes each day. I leave the major decisions to their dad because he has primary custody and I don't communicate with BM at all.
But there is a reason for all of this. I don't do it because I am on a power trip, because I hate BM or because I think I am somehow better. I do it because I don't have much of a choice. BM cannot and will not step up and be a parent. She's a drunk. Plain and simple. She is a drunk who a week ago sent text messages begging SO to meet her for a drink so they could talk. A woman who has several pending criminal charges all related to alcohol wants to meet for a drink. Oh and to increase her visitation.
I am an overstepping stepmom because if I don't step up, who will? The in laws? Who have firmly planted themselves in her camp and refuse to acknowledge she has a problem now? The uncle, who doesn't seem to know from one day to the next what is going on with anything outside of his own world and who sends dirty photos of the girls he is dating to anyone who will look at them? BM? Who picks up criminal charges like they are men at the bar and who outright refuses to remain sober, keep a job, or pay her child support? BM who has choked, smacked and scremed at these children on a regular basis, even once on a supervised visit with the in-laws? BM who drove these kids drunk to and from school with no regard for their safety or the safety of others on more than one occasion?
Look, I wish BM could get it together. I really do. I wish she was capable of having a meaningful and sustainable relationship with her children but she can't, she won't and she doesn't. So should I just shup up, and back off and let them do whatever they choose? SO does everything that he can to support them and raise them, but I have more experience. I have more training. I am more dedicated to long term sustainable education. And I have more patience to teach them to read, their alphabets, their science homework, whatever is required of me. So what, because some people think that as a psuedo stepparent I should just be a glorified babysitter and never ever use my skills to help raise them to be suitable adults who can survive in the real world. Let me tell you as someone who worked in the system, it DOES take a village, and sometimes, BM is the village idiot. So thank you for your input but my skids seem to be doing just fine over here. In which case I will continue to do what I am doing, not because I need your accolades (or give a shit about your condemnation) because it is the right thing to do for them. FOR THEM.
Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong (Thank you Dennis Miller)
- lawyergirl06's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I know right! I don't mean
I know right! I don't mean any offense to anyone on here and wasn't even referring to steptalk in that post, it was another site that someone sent me a link to. I was so offended by the things that I read about step parents. You would think that step parents are by all definition: skin flint, tight fisted control freaks who want nothing more than to alienate the bio parent from their children, and are more often the most damaging and abusive people on the planet. That wasn't my experience as a child with a step parent and it's not my experience now. I think most of the ladies on this site are amazing for the things they put up with and the things they do in the name of love for their skids or their DH/SOs.
StepASide why would ask your
StepASide why would ask your stepchildren how their day was- that is stupid!
This arguement drives me
This arguement drives me nuts. I mean you can't have your cake and eat it to! If SM if capable of making decisions to take skids to the movies, buy them gifts, cook meals for them etc, then damn it, they are also capable of making decisions or at least giving input when it comes to discipline, structure etc.
It's like saying that when you send your kid to school, the school should NEVER be allowed to discipline, provide rules etc for your kid, because, well, that's the parent's job.
I feel that if a child is in YOUR home, and YOU would be expected to help/save/care for said child if they were hurt then you most certainly have the right to implement and enforce rules, and have SOME say in child's wellbeing. Whether it be a foster child, neice, nephew, skid, neighbor kid whatever!
Give me a huge sign with my
Give me a huge sign with my pic and definition of over stepping stepparent. I do everything for SD7 have done so since 2 1/2 I give punishments, hugs, kisses, I have rules and I don't take crap. Is it hard? Yes! But like you said who will step up to the plate? Not her lazy druggie mother who doesn't even call on birthdays. I have however backed off a bit on discipline because I was becoming the wicked witch while DH smelled like roses. SD is a hard one to handle but at the end of the day she knows I love her and would never hurt her. Isn't that what matters? Not some looney Dr. writing articles about which way is up.
My house my rules. Your house
My house my rules. Your house your rules. I don't let anyone dictate what is appropriate for my life and I am glad you do not either.
And yes you are capable, and if you want to take on all of that, go forward and conquer.
I think that has to be up to
I think that has to be up to you. I read your previous blog and it sounds like you have some good backbone with your SO. Do you have any relationship with BM? If not, I think you have to do what you have to do to maintain your sanity. For some people that is disengaging. For others its not.
I'm lucky. My skids crave structure so badly they tend to fall in line. They have some of that entitled behavior as well but they are pretty good at taking the word no. Even the 2 year old. And they are pretty PTSD'd so they are really good to each other and try to be really good to SO and I. They are pretty grateful for most of what they get and they are, overall, really good kids. But sometimes I even disengage. I have a "look" SO says. He knows when he sees it that its time to take the kids and do something outside of the house for a while. Or sometimes I skip church just to recharge my batteries.
With regard to getting suspended and getting into borderline criminal trouble, I think you and SO need to have a zero tolerance discussion. If they have no consequences at this stage, it may very well get worse. You have to do what you have to do to maintain your sanity. And your level of desired involvement.
Me, I worked with kids for years in the system so I was uniquely prepared for what might happen in this siutation. I knew exactly what I needed to do from the outset to put as much routine as possible into the situation and exactly what I wanted and expected from the kids. But that was me. I always knew I would end up with children who had come from troubled backgrounds, I just always figured I would adopt them as a foster parent. It's all about what it is you want.
I really don't know how a
I really don't know how a custodial stepmom can disengage. It will definitely destroy your marriage. You are your husband need to sit down and decide on what punishments for what crimes and initiate a united front. Dad absolutely has to support you in the role of the other parent.
I think there is a HUGE
I think there is a HUGE difference when you are the custodial step-parent. When they live with you full time, you ARE their parent.It would be tragic for children if they had no mother-figure at all to help them navigate through childhood, teenage years, and into adulthood. Someone needs to provide some sort of moral compass. Women are nuturers.
In my opinion an EOW step-parent should set and enforce the rules of her home. Women usually have control of the household. There should be no change in the dynamic when children come to visit. However, I do not believe they should interrupt the way the natural parents are raising their children. We all come from different homes with different backgrounds. We all bring something different to the mix. I think it is truly unfair for the natural mother to feel like she must compete with the stepmother when it comes to her children, whether or not stepmom agrees with the way mom is raising her children, as long as it doesn't impact stepmom's house rules.
I couldn't agree more with
I couldn't agree more with you! We are custodial and she has very limited visitation. I think I would feel differently if we only had them EOW or just random visitation. I don't have a problem with a BM who steps up and is a good parent and I have lots of friends who have ex's that are remarried. I also spent several years as a divorce attorney so I know there can absolutely be overbearing stepparents.
The best situations I have seen for children are where there common rules for both houses and both parents (not necessarily stepparents) communicate so that if there is punishment in one home the punishment transitions to the visit as well. I also think that there is something to be said for the village mentality and I have seens some parenting sets that have worked very well where all the parties sit down together and address what is going on with dick and jane. The unfortunate part, however, is that most of the time that doesn't happen until the child is in real trouble and then the parenting decisions are actually taken out of the hands of the parents completely.
I just think that this whole, MY child mentality can be really dangerous and unsuccessful to the child if no one communicates. I bristle more at the idea that no matter what if you are the step parent you should sit down and shut up and never offer your input or your information. I think there are a lot of BM's that feel that way, no matter who or what the stepmom is. I say BM because during all my years I represented very few BF's who were resentful of a step dad who got involved, unless of course there was physical abuse.
The kid lives in my home 1/2
The kid lives in my home 1/2 her life and that gives me the right to enforce household rules, manners, and chores. Period. dot. I don't care who calls it overstepping.
I may have undersold BF a
I may have undersold BF a lot. Let me explain. He was never big on school but he is big on discipline, providing, loving and taking care of their day to day needs. I am bigger on education, it is important to me and I have been mentoring and working with kids for years. I have coached, tutored and helped students who struggle educationally so I have more experience with that aspect then he does. He is the bottom line rule. I don't interfere in his ability to parent his children, but education is something that I hold dear and key to the day to day life so I take on that role. He is absolutely a parent. I just take the control when it comes to their learning. I only "interfere" in his parenting when I think he needs a voice of reason, and only then when he asks. But I do appreciate what you are saying.
I disagree. Women are
I disagree. Women are generally the caregivers whether it is an intact family or not. It is in our biological make up. It is understood that Dad is "technically" the custodial parent, but how fair is it to the kid, that has no choice who his/her parents are to just give up because you're afraid you'll get hurt? ALL PARENTS GET HURT, bio or otherwise. Kids rebel, bio or otherwise. The important thing is they feel loved and are taught to be productive members of society. If dad, as in most cases, feels that he chose his wife based on his own beliefs and entrusts her with his children, why frown upon that?
This is pure selfishness.
I don't really know too many dads that take on the female role as a parent. Right or wrong.
^^^^^^^^THIS! Same here!
^^^^^^^^THIS! Same here!
" I do it because I don't
" I do it because I don't have much of a choice."
This is so untrue. You CHOOSE to do it. I CHOSE to do it, even with similar circumstances. SD lived with us. I was her "mom" figure. But I CHOOSE it. No one forced me. I had a choice.
To say you had no choice is to make yourself a victim.
Maybe that was the wrong
Maybe that was the wrong phrase. I choose to do everything that I do I realize that, and I enjoy doing it. I am an overstepping stepmom though because the situation requires it, not because I think I am better than BM, but rather because BM's choices leave few other options. I don't regret any of my decisions nor do I feel taken advantage of or overwhelmed. SO is nowhere close to a Disneydad and we are a team. I just hate when people criticize step parents who step up when the Bio parent refuses to
It is not overstepping when
It is not overstepping when you apply the same rules to everyone in the home. Bio, Step, half, friend, visitor, god child.
If you are in my home, you are following the house rules, that goes for everyone. FDH and I hold ourselves to this standard and you will too.
I agree that when you have them full time is does ad a whole other deminsion. However I don't have mine full time, and there is not difference.
Maybe that is why we have so little drama from the skids. They know what to expect and what is acceptable. Even when my adult bio daughter comes to visit she doesn't think about how to behave what to say. She knows who she is and what is acceptable behavior, she was raised by me.
All rules apply to whomever you are.