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18 year old princess step daughter

LcL's picture

Submitted by LcL on Sat, 04/07/2007 - 3:30pm

married for 10 years to a wonderful man with a spoiled only daughter and grand daughter. She has a mentally unstable mom,so Dad feels guilty about the divorce 12 years ago and constantly tries to make up for it. The stepdaughter is 18--going on 12. She is babied and enabled. We are spending 20,ooo per year her first year in college. She comes home every weekend (we go get her and take her back) She is very immature and dates a boy in high school-3 years younger. She manipulates her dad, gets what she wants, and spoils our weekend plans because we must cater to her needs since we are the only stable thing in her life. I am tired of being "the other woman."
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Comments

Pats mom's picture

Submitted by Pats mom on Sat, 04/07/2007 - 3:44pm

The one thing that I sadly keep reading about and deal with now are manipulative women (age not applicable). I'm attempting optimism here. What we sometimes seem to forget about life is we have choices. Do you have to put up with that crap ultimately? Not just from the SD, but your husband is not being a man. Venting here is great, but sometimes bad situations are deeply rooted and need counseling. You might get that girl into a session and eventually one day she will start bawling her eyes out. She might actually turn out to be a good person. She's got some growing up to do, but she cannot do that until someone sets a good example. I think that person would be you.

JMH's picture

Submitted by JMH on Sat, 04/07/2007 - 4:01pm

I think that if DH is going to cater to her every whim you need to just continue on with your life. When he goes to pick her up or take her back on the weekends - have something else to do. Plan things you can do with or without him and no matter what if he backs out because of her, you need to go through with doing it. Eventually he will see that you are not going to stop living because of her and maybe he will join you.

Best of luck - I can't imagine having a SD and SS is bad enough.

Riley's picture

Submitted by Riley on Sat, 04/07/2007 - 11:03pm

Parents being attentive to their kids is really important. However, I can understand how, after 10 years, you may feel like enough is enough. Especially when you may have thought that when college-time came, you'd get a break.

Take solice in the fact that she's not on drugs or acting out with self-destructive behavior. That you and her dad nurture her (too much?) may be bothersome, but it really could be so much worse.

As a woman, can you find a way to connect with her on a "grown woman" scale? For example, have a ladies day and do something that just the 2 of you do and demonstrate to her the beauty of independence and self-reliance? Or perhaps one weekend, you go to her college alone, stay with her, or nearby and show her the value of being independent, where to go, what to do, etc.

You are in a great position to have a positive impact on a young woman.

On a serious note. If she is dating a boy 3 years younger, I caution you about the level of intimacy she is allowed now that she's a legal adult and he is not. (Discussions should be had about this with Dad and SD's boyfriend's family.)

Enjoy and be patient. With your guidance, she'll grow up.