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Husband says his kids from first marriage will always come first

leehood's picture

Submitted by leehood on Mon, 05/24/2021 - 5:13pm

I have been married for 4 years now DH is a lovely man when we are together and everything. We have my skids two weeks every month and the other two at their BM

whenever they are around i cease to exist to my husband all the attention will now go to his kids and whenever i suggest something he always says no and even during an argument he also mentions how his kids will come before me or anyone else

iam due to give birth next month and iam afraid he will not love our own child same way he loves my skids. Now i just dread by knowing they are coming i get all these feelings of resentment and hate when they are around. I do not even engage or do activities with them except cook and do the basic things. and whenever i complain about his kids or anything he shouts at me gets really defensive and even use abusive words just to insult me

I do not think this marriage will last for a long time especially now iam about to give birth iam just thinking of disengaging and focusing on my forthcoming child

 

Comments

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Mon, 05/24/2021 - 5:38pm

Get your ducks in a row. Your husband has told you where you stand; believe him.  Your child will be better off not being raised in an abusive home. 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Mon, 05/24/2021 - 5:40pm

Yes, I was going to say the old expression - when someone tells you who they are, believe them.  Your H is telling you that he's an abusive jerk who will favor his first set of kids over any others that he has.

Don't make your child grow up watching his/her mother get abused by his/her father.

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Mon, 05/24/2021 - 6:14pm

I would definitely start looking at your options. This man should be putting you first and his kids next.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Submitted by Wicked stepmo. on Tue, 05/25/2021 - 3:09am

No man should treat someone he supposedly lives or the mother of his child with such disrespect.

Your DH does not value you, if he did he would never treat you that way.  I agree with everyone else. Time to start making an exit plan. 

Chances are their is a good reason the first BM left.

Stepdrama2020's picture

Submitted by Stepdrama2020 on Tue, 05/25/2021 - 7:22am

You did right coming on this site. You will see it is not you but it is your DH that is flawed. In his kid centric world nobody and no one comes before the first family.

You do not deserve the disrespect and abuse. Your soon to be baby should not be raised in a world where he/she will feel second best. A lifetime of low self esteem and issues will come from this abusive man/daddio. 

I would get all your pigs in the pen ready . This is no life for you and an innocent baby. 

Congrats on your baby to be, and congrats on taking the first step to figure out what is good for you and the baby. 

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Tue, 05/25/2021 - 8:19am

Life is not a competition and the minute somebody starts classing people in the order of importance is the time to walk away. If I were you, I'd be planning my exit while disengaging. The person you married is not worth your time not stress. 

Onanisland's picture

Submitted by Onanisland on Mon, 06/28/2021 - 12:38pm

I have two skids (10,11) and two sons (3, 9 months). My partner wounds never say or imply that his older children are more important but even with the best will in the world it often seems like they are. Our schedule is around them and their BM's needs; we only have them half the time so he feels like he needs to spend every second of that with them; he feels that he needs to compensate in some ways for BM's parenting; he has a certain amount of guilt so he'll let them get away with things he knows he should be more firm about; he makes sure he'll be home as much as poss for their time here which means he works all the time when it's just my sons and I.

With our sons - he knows he has a devoted mother 100% of the time to take care of them. He doesn't question me or worry about my judgement. So even though I believe he loves them equally he does not prioritize equally (for me that would mean each according to his/her needs at the moment not skids, then bio, then partner)

If your partner is starting from a place where you and your new baby are second place it won't get better. 

Ideally as others have said you and your partner prioritize each other and the rest of the family falls into place. But I don't think there's a parent who only has partial custody in this world who is able to do that.

I would start thinking about what you will do if your situation becomes untenable. Don't let  yourself be walked all over.