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Wedding Seating Plan - When BM Is A Nutcase?

Letti.R's picture

Hello Stalkers, today I need some help and opinions please on how to sort out this mess.
What is appropriate etiquette for seating divorced parents at a wedding?

My cousin (whom I am very close to) is getting married in January and we need to consider his seating plan.
Cousin's parents have been divorced for 17 years.
His Dad is remarried and cousin loves his step mom, whom he has known for 14 years.
Divorced and never remarried BM/Mom (my aunt) is a psycho and has not had very long term or stable relationships since, but she has a boyfriend of two weeks, because no one should be alone at Christmas (?) and maybe Christmas presents...!

Anyway, BM/Mom had a hissy fit because she wants to be seated at the main table with my uncle (her ex) and SM should be relegated to some corner of no where if invited.
Cousin wants his Mom, Dad and SM at the main table - the people who raised him - along with bride's parents and the rest of the wedding party.
BM  actually cried real crocodile tears at this news..
Plus her boyfriend of two weeks should be at the main table too - cousin said no, he doesn't know the man...

Dad wants to be seated with his wife, SM told cousin, "whatever makes you happy".
Now IMO it would be better to seat these squabbling parents at different tables away from the bridle party, especially since BM is liable to stab someone with tableware after a glass too many of wine...
(She hates her ex and SM.)
However, as the bride would like all the parents seated at their table, (nice darling with no idea of steplife), what do you recommend?

Thanks in advance for advice, suggestions - and prayers if you have been through this before.

(BTW, I hate wedding and funerals!
People turn into obnoxious, entitled ghouls!)

Comments

tog redux's picture

SM should be seated with her husband at the head table. If BM can't tolerate that, she can be moved to a corner somewhere. 

ESMOD's picture

This is the bottom line here.. and BM's son needs to be the one to go to his mother and read her the riot act.  He can also enlist some assistance in the event that his mother goes off the rails.. so that she can be removed from the event.

He can tell mom that he will have her removed if she cannot behave herself.

tog redux's picture

I'd suggest he throw BM a bone and let her have Brand New Boyfriend sit there with her. They will probably be broken up by then, but at least she might not feel so insecure if she has a "partner" by her side like DH does. 

Letti.R's picture

Absolutely agreeing with this!
My uncle and aunt (SM and his Dad) are accepted as a couple and his Dad wants to be seated with his wife.

Cousin has no problem with this arrangement.
It is BM who wants to sideline SM, because of course BM is important and wants another occassion  to stick it to SM.

advice.only2's picture

It's really up to the people getting married what they opt to do. Usually they will have a long rectangular table for the bride and groom and their wedding party. The bride and grooms parents are usually seated at a side table to the rectangular table near the front.

Personally if it was my wedding and I had that issue, I would be having a head table with just me and my spouse, and then the rest of the tables would be a mix of guests and wedding party, this way everybody gets to mingle. This also would allow for the BM and DH and his wife to be seated at opposite sides of the venue.

hereiam's picture

Something like this^^^

Most of the weddings that I've been to, the parents weren't seated at the head table, just the actual wedding party.

hereiam's picture

Oh, for sure, but the the cousin wants everybody at the main table, wedding party AND parents. I would make it just the wedding party, parents can sit at different tables, with whomever they want.

Letti.R's picture

It is the bride who wants everyone together.
Poor darling has no idea about step families and thinks it is a good idea.

Bride is an only child so her parents have one shot at this...
They are a nice family.

BM?
OMG.
Rude awakening about to happen.

As suggested above, I am going to tell my cousin to read his mother the riot act!
To tell her in no uncertain terms that if she doesn't behave he will have her removed.
It is sad when the child has to act like the adult because BM needs to still be a bloody child about her divorce that happened years ago!
 

Letti.R's picture

I really like the idea of groom and bride only at a main table.
However, this is a Scottish wedding and it doesn't normally work that way.

Personally, A.O2, BM should be seated on the opposite side of the planet!
The woman is mega hard work on the best of days.

notarelative's picture

Normal seating is for a wedding with normal guests. Since BM a the way she is, it's time to consider other seating arrangements.

Simpleton21's picture

This is what I did at my wedding (a small affair).  I had a head table for DH and myself.  The rest of the tables were open seating.  I have a crazy BM that is remarried but still complains about my dad (20+ years after divorce) and a SM that is also a bit crazy.  My BM and SM do not get along so I let that be their issue.  It was my day.  

justmakingthebest's picture

I like the idea of the long rectangular table. 

I also understand BM thinking she "should" have the same recongintion as BD and SM... 
 

Honestly what I would do is just the bridal party at the head of the room

3 tables in front of that for:

  • BD and his immediate family
  • BM and her immediate family
  • MIL/FIL and thier immediate family. 

crazycatlady1's picture

My parents are the same except they still hate each other. I read both of them the riot act. I said that this was about my life. If they can't be civil they need not come. IF they caused a scene, rolled there eyes, did anything to make it an unhappy place. I would bring down the wrath of god. They would be banned from my future children, never would they hear from me again. Both ended up being well behaved and sat at the main table. 

Thumper's picture

Have Bride and Groom table

Everyone else sits where they want.

??
Exception to elderly grandparents IF attending. They like to sit near Bride and Groom is walking is not too far.

Ugh---hate making seating arrangements. Flip a coin and hope for the best?

 

ndc's picture

I've never been to a wedding where the parents were at the head table. I'm used to either the bridal party at the head table or a sweetheart table for just bride and groom.  At my wedding (where there were no parental issues) we had bridal party at head table, my parents at a table with other family members on my side, and DH's mom and stepdad at a table with family members from his side.

In this case, someone needs to tell the bride that she doesn't really want what she thinks she wants, because it sounds like a recipe for disaster.

 

shamds's picture

Be to seat say one of brides parents next to one grooms parents so they get to know one another. At my wedding the ceo of hubbys workplace sat next to my dad (mum was seated next to dad), next to mum was the chairmans wife of hubbys workplace. My parents never remarried though but still the usual animosity. It provided a distraction so mum had someone to talk to.

but in your cousins case her bf whom your cousin has never met since this relationship is barely 2 weeks should not get an invite. Heck i’m assuming if cost of each seat is approx $100 per person, why would your cousin waste that money for someone they do not know and isn’t family or a friend. 

Only the people relevant and involved in your cousins lfe would really be there anyways

ESMOD's picture

I would invite the BF for a variety of reasons.

1.  Being the Groom's mother is a bit more important than a regular guest.. so perhaps she gets a bit better treatment including inviting a plus one that the groom and his bride may not know well.

2.  Having her BF there might actually be a deterrent for the BM to cause a scene in front of her new Beau.

3.  The new Beau will likely be a distraction for BM so she has less time to stare daggers at others.

notarelative's picture

Weddings I have been to lately have only bride and groom and wedding party at head table. Parents have their own tables. So there could be as many as four parent tables (and there were at my nephew's wedding).

BM should get a plus one. It's the right thing to do. Whether she brings someone or not, and who she brings, should be her choice. Her 'date' doesn't have to be in any of the pictures. It will keep her happy and (hopefully) well behaved. 

 

Wilhelm's picture

Elope

secret's picture

Since this is a fairly common thing, many places can accommodate more than 1 parent table.

1 table for dad's side, 1 for mom's side and one for brides side.

Bride can learn about family dynamics LOL

BethAnne's picture

The compromise I made at my wedding was having myself, my husband, the maid of honor and the best man at the head table. Then we had 3 special tables. On one sat my dad and my husband’s mother with a few other appropriate guests. The next one was my sister (my eldest sibling) with my husband’s grandmother (who styles herself as a matriarch of the family) with some other guests. On the final special table was my mother and my husband's father and his wife plus some others. My parents are married btw, but I explained to them that this set up was so that my mil and fil could sit at different tables but both still feel like they were honored and that the two families were mixing. It was unconventional but it worked out just fine. Luckily my parents were understanding and are perfectly capable of sitting apart for a meal. 

Sometimes creative thinking and breaking with traditions is needed to ensure things go smoothly and everyone is comfortable. 

SecondGeneration's picture

Well, I'm somewhat harsh. My step father died years ago so when talks of weddings came up my BM said she would appreciate it if her +1 could be her life long friend (that aunt that isnt actually related)

My DH and I wanted an outdoor, location wedding. My father and step mother (who I was closest to as a child and young adult) freaked about the concept of a small wedding party. There was no expectation for them to interact, simply be present. We were intending to have enough other people to buffer between them so there would be no expectation for them to communicate with one another.

My DHs parents (both single at the time) also were weird about it. They actually wanted us to have 2 ceremonies with one of our parents at each. 

So what happened? The only parent present was my BM and her +1. The other guests were our closest friends. 

 

Weddings are symbolic to me, they are a statement. You are drawing a line in the sand and making a clear statement about how you expect important functions for your new family unit to be celebrated. It is absolutely essential (in my belief) that the couple do not accept financial help for their wedding from their parents purely because if you accept financial help, they essentially buy a level of input and control. 

If parents arent prepared to play nice. And by that I mean, be present but separate and no starting drama for whatever happened 20 years before. Then they are not invited and likewise if they cannot be trusted for the wedding they will not be trusted for future events of the new family (christenings, funerals, etc)

 

Simplest thing would be long rectangle table like others suggested.