Raising An Independent Child
A child development expert said recently that the main reason kids are growing up to be entitled, irresponsible adults is because they never learned how to problem-solve. As parents, we step in and try to solve all their problems, but that doesn't help them or teach them how to do it themselves. He said even when they're toddlers, in a shoving match over a toy, we step in to separate and control the outcome. I know I'm guilty of that, mainly because I don't want the other Mom to think I suck as a Mom because I have an overly-aggressive child! He said that once, just once, we should stop and watch. See what happens. Because, more than likely, even little kids can figure it our between them, without any adult intervention. We have to let them learn how to solve their own problems so we don't end up with 32 year-olds living in our basements, because they never learned how to pay their own bills, manage their own money and learn from their own mistakes.
I'm going to try hard to do this. I look at it as selective disengaging. I won't disengage emotionally, that would only hurt them. I can love the kid, hate their decisions. Kind of like 'hate the sin, love the sinner', right?
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We have to let them solve
We have to let them solve their own problems AND let them suffer the natural consequences of bad decisions (in controlled environments of course). I am super independent. I always have been and before I met dh I lived on my own for 10 years. Wingnut was the opposite, she lived with her parents who did everything for her until she met dh who did everything for her. DH leaving her was a huge wakeup call. I can totally see why she tried so hard to get her control of him back, because the alternative was scary. She never had to take her car to the garage alone before, never had to call a plumber or weed landscaping. She never had to earn her own keep. She never even drove on the highway before (45 years old and afraid to drive in traffic or on any roads she's never been on before). Someone else always came to her rescue. This fact is the only thing that allowed me to convince DH that babying SD just because he felt guilty about leaving would be a disaster. He desperately wants her to be independent. her mother desperately wants her to be just like her. You'd think she wouldn't want her daughter to ever deal with the fears she has, but she doesn't understand how she got that way. She just blames dh.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
Kids have a pecking order
Kids have a pecking order just like adults do. I normally let mine figure it out. The only time i step in is if and when hitting occurs. I agree with giving your child the oppertunity to figure things out for themselves or solving a problem themsleves.
This is something that I
This is something that I have gotten on my soapbox about (and BF agrees). Wilda does EVERYTHING for SD9 & I will not. BF still does sometimes & when I see it, I tell him to let her take care of whatever she's doing. I'll admit he's getting better but it's something that I think is SO important. Even with homework - Wilda sits there and does it with her but BF doesn't. She's to do it herself, he will answer questions but he's not going to baby her through it. She's in 4th grade for god's sake! And the coping! DPW, you hit it on the head - kids freak out if everything doesn't go their way. SD's been doing a lot better with the ridiculous crying & I think that's because BF's not completely catering to her anymore.
But, along the same lines, why would the kids be independent and learn how to cope if their parents aren't willing to?
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
Kids can't cope for two
Kids can't cope for two reasons - 1) parents are always taking away any natural consequences and helping them through everything (teaching them no critical thinking skills) and 2) people babying them when they pour are upset. My GOD let them pout. They aren't going to die from it. If your going to smother them with "what's wrong, honey? are you ok? tell me what's bothering you" every time they pout how do they learn to deal with their feelings? OY!! This is one thing that dh is still working on. He tells her to keep herself busy. She sits on the floor and pouts and pretends to be sad and he spends 20 minutes explaining to her that she has to keep herself busy so he can finish what he doing and then they could play... HELLO???? you could have finished what you were doing if you just ignored her silent TANTRUM.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
I'm guilty of doing way to
I'm guilty of doing way to much for my daughter, and DH for his son. We ended up with two grown but nearly helpless kids who are struggling in various ways. I'm a good mom but didn't let her struggle enough on her own as a youngster. Take that as a warning for all of you with little ones!
So I know this about myself, right? Still, she gets her W2 and I say "Oh good now I can file your taxes for you." Seriously ashamed of myself. I have since said "Let me know if you have any questions." We are all a work in progress.