If you are in the middle of a custody battle then this is like gold for you. If she is quizzing SD11 about YOUR home and what goes on there then this could well be used as evidence of parental alienation and really does not look good on her part. She is interrupting the father's parenting time. LOG IT ALL. Print it out or send it to somewhere it can be logged. Just keep all that info to use against her.

About the iPad and internet/phone access in general, I don't believe in every waking hour being filled by technology. Personally I would suggest to your DH that he limits her time on there by scheduling certain times for giving her access to it. This may trigger some interesting responses by the BM.

My kids are 28, 26, and 22.  They grew up without cellphones, ipods, or tablets.  They are fit, healthy, and creative.  They thrived.

I have read stories like this before, with BM trying to get info about the other parent's house. I have always been curious what questions BM's ask. I know that I ask my kids general questions- How was your visit? Did you do anything fun? What crazy food did your stepmom make (She is vegan and makes some weird stuff- she makes regular food for the rest of the family, but we giggle-- Also, we are very friendly and have a good relationship-- I tease her in person too!) ? I tend to ask my son how late he stayed up the night before for my own sanity to see what kind of teenager attitude I will be dealing with. 

I don't see that stuff as dirt... more of just seeing how their weekend went... I ask the same questions when they have sleepovers with friends.

Asking your kids general questions is one thing but asking them exactly where they went and what they did is another thing. BM shouldn't be allowed to have a play by play of every visitation with dad. Some of these BM are just ridiculous. I can't even begin to tell you what BM and the skids did when DH and me first got married. BM ran all over my DH and I told DH that it's either BM or ME!!

This is a tricky situation and it's not just because it's on an ipad... she could just as easily be asking these questions in person when the child goes home.  So, while I in general agree that kids tech time should be somewhat monitored/limited, that isn't really the crux of the issue.

We walk a line.  While we don't want to encourage a child to HIDE something from another parent because we wouldn't want them to hide things from us... we also want to foster a sense of respect for the privacy around what happens in our own homes.

We had to have several discussions over the years as the girls grew up about what was appropriate.  A few times the EX gave my DH crap for encouraging the girls to lie to her.. which was not the case.  Our message was pretty much that each household deserved the right to not have every waking moment relayed to the other parent.  It's not so much hiding or lying about things as it is allowing everyone to live without the microscope of a party outside of the home.  It frankly was none of their mother's business what we did every hour of every day... or exactly what they ate at every meal...or certainly not whether there was an argument about something in the home about something completely unrelated to the kids.  (an example might be a disagreement in a car about how closely someone is following another car... not yelling and screaming.. but that kind of normal disagreement... it isn't really a fight but not 100% harmony either).

We had a few handicaps in this fight.  My OSD was a bit of a tattle tale when it would curry her favor with mom.. or when she was being spiteful to her dad about something.  She was generally the kid who harbored more resentment up to and including writing her dad a letter when she was a teen about how she felt abandoned by him when her parents split up.  (drama queen).  YSD wasn't so crafty in her motive but nothing was a secret if YSD knew it.  I have a decent relationship with both girls (though better with the younger one)... but they of course will have allegience to their bio mom over me.

Ultimately we learned to sometimes craft the message we wanted delivered.  We didn't play up new purchases and my DH would make it clear that things were bought by me or were gifts and not that HE had gobs of money coming in  (because he didn't).  We were also more aware of what was said in front of the kids so that they wouldn't be in a position to share or misinterpret information with their mom.  I know it's tough to have to censor yourself in your home.. but to a certain extent it's probably a good idea for the kids to not be privvy to all the details of their parent's lives.

I get that it's annoying and intrusive, but what is she asking for reports on??  Did you get fed today?  Are you watching porn?  did you play in the road?  What?  I'm assuming you have access to SD's IPad since you know that BM is texting and asking questions, so I'd just take a pic of every stupid looking for trouble text and use it against her in court. 

Assuming there are no crazy antics in your home that you want to hide....she's giving you the shovel, let her dig her own hole. 

Sometimes it takes major restraint to avoid prying like behavior, because you want to model exceptional coparenting behavior, in hopes the other parent will come around and do the same. For the sake of their child, and in an effort to successfully coparent.

I remember DH saying to skid “Hey honey, are all of your school shoes like this?” in regard to BM sending her school uniform shoes over too small and with holes in them. Funny enough, for skid just being 7 at the time, that was translated somehow to BM not caring, because the day after that DH received a nasty text from BM saying “Who do you think you are? I’m not a bad mom! All of skid’s don’t have holes in them. If you have a problem with it, buy her new ones.”

We often did. It’s just that BM craftily avoided sending the nice school shoes on DH’s visitation days during the school week. 

Also, these inquisitive texts from BM were only fueled by jealousy and her desire to compete with DH when it came to parenting. BM has always had to one-up him.