My DH finally admitted what SD35 really is. Four years ago, I almost left. At that time I had 25 years of a mini-wife on steroids who was as cold as ice. For 25 years, I waited for her to do something so heinous that there was no how no way DH couldn't not say anything. I was disappointed every time because DH would maybe go into one of his depressive slumps for a couple of days but then come up with a justification for why SD did what she did. I couldn't believe how SD had committed worse and worse acts yet DH could find a way to excuse her. The two worst acts were 1) a girl was gang assaulted at a party that SD attended. She refused to talk to police. Not only that, she strutted around smirking because the girl would be so fucked up that that meant one less woman to compete against for male attention. I was so disgusted. DH went into a depression over it and I was thinking that this is it. There's no how no way DH can't not see SD for who and what she really is. Nope! I was wrong. He would rather go into a depression than to say one word. Another time, a student came running to school because her dad unalived himself that morning. The girl came to school for comfort among her peers. A large HS of over 1000 kids went outside in the field to form a mass group hug around her. God, this is tearing me up just typing about it. Then, SS' middle school got wind of it and the bulk of the students there ran to the HS to join the mass group hug. SD was home when DH and I came home from work but SS wasn't there. He was still at the school. He came home and told us what happened and then the news went flying around parents. DH asked SD why she didn't say anything and she just shrugged with the coldest look on her face. DH asked if she was there and she snapped and said no. SS said all the kids cried along with the girl, so DH asked SD if she cried too. With a stone cold bitchy look on her face, she snapped, "no! I took it like a man!" That display of sociopathic behaviour was disgusting! That moment I thought there's no how no way DH can't not say something. I saw the look on SS' and DH's face when SD reacted like that. There are so many more stories. Of course, DH would never acknowledge anything.

Over the years, DH would fiercely defend SD. No matter how gingerly I brought up a "concern," with a phony lilt to my voice DH found a way to rip my head off and shit down my throat. 

At some point DH and I ended up in marital therapy (the first time around). Any time there was even a slight evolvement in SD or improvement in the obsessive dynamic between DH and SD, and any time there was an improvement to DH's and my marriage, DH would sabotage it and knock the dynamics with SD back into status quo. The therapist asked DH why the hell he does that and what is he afraid of and DH got pissed off and refused any more therapy. Years later he told me he felt that he just couldn't afford to heal because it would result in the loss of SD.

Well, I don't know what happened that DH finally got it, but he did. Four years ago, I had enough. I tapped out and gave up any efforts. I went silent almost and just contemplated my escape plan. DH got scared. He'd never seen me give up like that. He went to therapy, I had already started, and then he got us into martial therapy. DH started to really face his demons and was ready to change. When our marital therapist asked what my conditions were to stay married to DH, one of them was that I will stand for nothing less than DH to acknowledge what a massive piece of shit SD is and how the dynamic between DH and SD has hurt me, our marriage and the other two kids (SS and DD). I also wanted to vent and let it all out and DH must sit there and listen and not say a word. He must stop defending her and he must start acknowledgeing what she does.

Well, he did. It came up that the reason DH always fiercely defended SD to me was because he admitted that he knew I hated her guts. He thought that if he minimized or excused what she did, it would make it look like she wasn't so bad and I wouldn't hate her so much. He didn't like that I hated her and he wanted us to love one another and be close. The therapist and I blasted DH and spelled it out to him that his fierce defense of her and seeming blindness to her is what exacerbated my hatred for her. 

Over time, DH has told me more. He said he noticed SD's lack of empaty and warmth since she was a very young child and it was to the point of it being alarming. DH said he noticed it even before the divorce from BM. He new since SD was about 2 that she wasn't normal and he feared that. He didn't feel the father/daughter connection which I called bullshit on because they were so damn obsessed with one another. The therapist said that the lack of connection may be why they were obsessed. They were constantly checking to make sure one didn't leave the other. Anyway, DH also admitted that he feared losing the SKs to BM. She was so enmeshed with them both, especially SD that DH felt that he could lose the SKs, especially SD, at the drop of a hat and she wouldn't have a care in the world. He also said how weird the kids were and how normal parenting just didn't work on them. I actually remember finding them to be weird kids as well.

During a session I had said that I feared that DH would rather see us divorce than to have to address SD. The therapist said that she has actually seen that happen. It's so the bio parent can be a martyr to the kid and be able to say, "see? see? I sacrified my marriage for you. I love you soooooooo much that I lost someone I loved to bits for you. Now love me. Go ahead and love me." I remember yelling, "OMG! That's exactly what I've told DH that I was afraid that he was doing!" So, there are idiot dads out there that will actually sacrifice some poor unsuspecting woman so they can prove to their kids that they're number one. It may be subconsious but sometimes it can be conscious once a new wife starts requiring her needs being met. The dad doesn't like not being able to have his cake and eat it too and when he's no longer able to use tactics to buy time with his SO and she's no longer willing to live how things are, Dad will further sabotage the relationship so that he can prove his worth as a dad to the brats. So, yeah, that does happen. 

Well, it's four years later and we're still working at it. I have not told DH this, but it wasn't worth it. Every day I still wonder if I'll leave. I hate SD, I hate SGS, and I don't like SS or SDIL. I hate step-life and it never ends. Yes DH sees them for who and what they really are, but what it took out of me before DH finally got to that point was not worth it. We have our house and we've both worked hard and are enjoying day to day life now, so there's no reason to leave, but the first 25 years of agony were not worth it. 

My DH finally seeing the light or admitting to it, I think is rare. I don't really know what made him be ready to heal. 

As far as these dads being willfully blind, I think they do see what their kids really are. I've seen blogs on here not that long ago about that very question and it seems that most SMs are well aware that their partners do know. Whether they admit to it or not is something else. There's a motive for it. Fear of losing the kids or guilt over the split from BM, or something. It's usually something deep in the broken dad that causes them to be so steadfast in their refusal to address their poopsies or to see them for who and what they really are. Just know that it wasn't you. 

There is no indication that my SS's SpermIdiot ever has come out of denial that he is a nasty serial statutory rapist POS.  

It has been a number of years but one of the last times SS's spent time with the SpermIdiot the dipshitiot wanted to go to the mall.  At he mall SpermDad was hitting on teen girls. He was in his early 50s. He dresses like a teen.  According to SS from a distance the girls give him some attention but laugh in his face and move on when they get closer.

That was one of the visits that prompted SS not to return to SpermLand. The other was when SpermIdiot spawn #3 was arrested for a gun violation at 16.  #3 and #4 have made it their mission to live out the SpermIdiot's Crip or Blood gangbanger wannabe fantasy.  SS flew to SpermLand and went for a walk with the SpermIdiot.  During that walk SS put the SpermIdiot against a wall by his throat and told him that if any of his three younger sibs got in trouble again trying to live up to the SpermIdiots gangbanger wannabe fantasies that the next visit would not go nearly as painlessly for the SpermIdiot.

The youngest two may succeed in a gangbanger career because they are both biracial and not a Howdy Doody looking Opie Cunningham whiter than white guy cracker.  They may very well be able to join either the Krips or the Bloods which are the organizations that the SpermIdiot idolizes.

Sadly #3 ended up a convicted felon and is prison.  It breaks my son's heart that he was not able to intercede and prevent it.  #4 is not far behind the inmate.  Though #3s plight might hust have scared his head out of his ass as #4 moved out of state shortly after #3 went to prison and moved in with their BM.  Last I heard about #4 he had returned to SpermLand which is not surprising.  So many raised in these tragically toxic environments can't tryly escape and return to wallow in the shallow end of their gene pool.  Tragic as that often is.

SpermDaddy claimed that the SpermGrandHag is black when trying to gain gangbanger wannabe cred. She is an Aunt Bee looking toxic church lady. He tried a number of times starting in his early 20s well into his 30s to join gangs. They all laughed him off.  He even had a gun violation arrest when he got pulled over with my then infant SS in the back seat of his low rider.  When he pulled over he jumped out of the car leaving then infant SS in the running car alone and took off running through a corn field. The police found a gun in SS's diaper bag.  SpermGrandHag was cleaning house for multiple Judges at that time so the SpermIdiot was never charged. The arrest record stood though.That was fun to bring up in court and bare his ass with.

I know that our blended family dynamic does not fit the context of the question. Most men that so many STalkers are married to or are struggling with seem to be tragically naive, spineless, and easily manipulated by their failed family baggage and  are not outright scumbags like the SpermIdiot.

I don't know that my DH was really clueless, but he was deep in denial.

The major turning point with SS (who was a mini-wife, male version) was after he dropped out of college to become a full-time addict. Money was flying out of DH's pockets. I finally drew a big fat boundary line when SS claimed he was looking for a rehab program after his couch surfing became too much for his friends, and DH put him up in a hotel.

So DH was paying $125/night for a hotel with free breakfast and unlimited movies. And I couldn't pay the utility bill that month. Oh HELL no. DH had to make a decision THAT DAY about his living situation--me, or the hotel room with SS.

Miraculously, SS found a rehab program and he's clean to this day. He's done the work. Very proud of him for that and he hasn't asked us for a penny since. I am on high alert, though, since SS has been out of work for several months.

SD, also a mini-wife, took longer, but he stopped dancing to her tune when she suddenly cut him out of her life. He's not exactly sure why, but it surrounds the passing of DH's sister. SD wasn't front and center in cleaning out her house or settling her estate. Auntie lived comfortably but was by no means wealthy, so not much to distribute. Even so, SD didn't play a starring role and therefore is not speaking to her father. I don't get it.

My life is pretty peaceful these days. 

They were happy with there life. Nobody can run up debt with out your knowledge.  Only way was he was ok with it,  Did he ever tell his kids that he's out of money and can't ATM anymore?  Or he did he just give tge kids your money. Putting you into debt.

And if you allow him to give his kids your money.  That's on you.  He trying to buy his kids love..trying to buy the Happy Family.  What he can't do and will blame it all on you. Because you didn't come up with the money.  
'You didn't give him $50,000 for a car. $ 70,000 a year for college.