How much is too much contact?
Ok, y'all, here's the cliffnotes...
H and I have fought for months about how much contact we have with bm. I've asked and demanded that it cease. He has at times tried to appease me. We've had our ups and downs and we've tried to reach agreement on everything.
H tells me yesterday that bm called him. She's been gone for a week and we've had the skids. They had their phones off and didn't return her call. So she calls H to tell him to have them call her. Supposedly that was the entirety of their conversation.
Ok, so then I learn from H that he's called her at various points over the year to have her have them call him when she has them and they aren't returning his calls. He claims to be all excited about their hockey games, and when she has them and they don't call him to tell him about their games, he gets upset.
Ok, so I tell H that all this contact is freakish and going to stop now. I said that you obviously have issues between you and bm that you need to address. He tried to tell me there's nothing there, but I said that when you break up with someone, you get over it faster and better when you don't see them again...whereas when you have to see that person all the time or have contact with them, it's harder. Plus, I said, "there have been times before we'd gotten together where I'd phone up an old boyfriend when I was sad and lonely or whatever and have some lame reason just to hear their voice. Hello, this isn't that different! You can wrap it up and put a pretty little bow on it, and say "we have kids together, you don't understand..." but it's the same thing to me. You both obviously *need* to talk to one another""
So H tries to explain that there's absolutely nothing there, blah blah blah, and I can see the wheels turning. He tries to convince me that he doesn't have feelings for her. But I said, "look, you've known her for however many years before marrying her plus you were married for 13 years...how can I compete? Plus, I get all the crap now and she had it good. You don't pay off my credit card or buy me the fat-assed rock...I get what we can afford. And I have *your* kids to deal with...and I have to mother them and take care of them and be *responsible*...and you guys got to have all the fun. Where the hell is my fun???!!! It seems like all I get is work, work, and more work! And with all I do, you think I'm supposed to be alright that you two are talking on the phone?! Oh hell no!!!" So I said, "I would love to hook you up to a polygraph machine and find out how you really feel about me and her. You tell me you love me, I know that you do...but I know you have feelings for her. You are disrespectful of my feelings and treat her like queen. Just cuz she popped out a couple of kids for you DOES NOT entitle her to ownership over our life forever!!!! She has no business in my life or yours for that matter...all you need to do is email periodically about the exchange of kids. Period!"
Again, I could see H trying to grasp what I was saying and process it all.
I think he's tired of arguing with me. I have a valid point...regardless of what he says, if he wanted to stop the contact with her, it would be stopped...but it's not. So now that I've pointed it out and said my piece he can decide how to proceed. I'm not feeling entirely secure in our relationship because he allows the ex to be in it...and that says to me that he isn't over her. So, I've given him things to think about and given him a way to validate my feelings...by stopping any unnecessary contact with bm and resorting to just emails periodically. And now, since I've told him how I feel and how he can fix things, what happens with us is up to him. If he has any contact with bm outside the rules I've described to him then I have my answer...he has feelings for her. And if he considers my feelings and limits the contact to less than what it is now, then our relationship will be that much better.
Either way, I will finally know for sure if he's telling me the truth and I'll know how to proceed...stay or go.
Oh, p.s....H has been above board about things with bm despite my ranting here. He tells me when she's called and tells me what they talk about and for how long...without me prompting him. So I feel that he's been trying to do the right thing by me and honor my feelings...but I can't help but wonder about his feelings for her...like maybe he thinks he can have his cake and eat it too, you know? I just can't get why he doesn't *not* take her calls, or just waits until we have the kids because we get them pretty much every day at one point or another. I don't know...the whole thing bothers me ENORMOUSLY, although he's tried to be truthful about everything. I just don't trust that there aren't unresolved feelings there...
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Ok, so here's some questions
You guys clearly hashed this out and he clearly knows where you stand, right?
It's ALL out in the open.
I read your bio info and it says you two are engaged. For how long? And how long have you been together?
It says the boys are in their teens, right? So I'm concerned, as I guess you are, that the issues with the kids at this point, can't be handled between the boys and their BM at this point. What are the exact ages of the boys?
I know that because of our meddling BM (who likes to call the girls 5 minutes after they arrive at our house as well as up to 10+ times a day while they're here- UGH- get a life), we have always had a policy of the girls dealing directly with their crazy BM and leaving most correspondance between DH & BM via email, even when they were young teens.
So what were the specifics of their divorce? Did she leave him or vice versa? He could be feeling guilty if he left her. And how long have they been "apart"?
Regardless of all the facts, it shouldn't matter much. The bottom line is your feelings in this relationship. He is clearly putting your feeling secondary- and that is not right. I was there. And I had to put my foot down- hard. I literally had to tell him that I would not tolerate him having a relationship with him and his ex. So he had to choose.
Plus, for my DH, I think he LIKED the "neediness" aspect of his ex- her helplessness- the victim role she played. The, "Oh-please-help-me-because-I'm-so-clueless-and-helpless-and-don't-know-what-to-do-and-you're-a-big-smart-strong-man."
Ugh! Somebody get me a bag- I'm gonna be sick! :sick:
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
here's the skinny
bm and him were miserable for last 5 of 13 years. she was having affair for those last however many years and confessed...he told her to pack up and get out. however, the divorce papers show that she filed. he claims it didn't matter who did, and that he had her be the plaintiff or whatever it is because he just wanted it done and over. However, here's the rub...he was still married when we got together, only he lied and said they were divorced. He didn't get divorced until May(or March or some other "m" month) 22 of this year...that's when it was all finalized. He had dropped the "i'm still married" bombshell on me months ago and explained everything....so, while I was a little on guard, he has been a reasonable, good person who really hasn't given me reason to mistrust him entirely.
The thing is that they've had this sicko relationship for like ever. When they first split, they took turns every day sleeping in the rental house. That went on for like a year or two before she shacked up with the crypt keeper (the guy she was cheating with). They did the property settlement and split child custody 50/50 so they swap kids everyday. And she had free access to his house and would come and go at will because she used to live there.
So I come into the picture and she's still running in and out at will, not knocking, and acting like she's still married to him. I said in the beginning that it was all creepy and I wanted out...but he talked me back into staying with him and our relationship progressed to where we are now.
The thing is all their intertwined crap has made me sick and I'm just tired. It's too much too often and I just am at my wits end. I'm sick to death of it all. Nothing is "mine" our "ours together"...it still feels like she's haunting my house.
I mean, dig this...I found keys in my nightstand lastnight. I've been away for two days with H while we were taking care of my mom in the hospital. So here's these keys in my nightstand. H claims to not know what they are or where they came from, but took them and threw them away...but I promptly took them with me when I left and he didn't see. Somebody somewhere is goign to be looking for these keys they stashed in my nightstand and I'm going to see who's they are. But this is what I mean...everyone has too much free access to our home. I mean, who the hell puts keys in some else's night stand? They're not car or house keys...they're like for a lock or locker or something like that. Maybe one of the skids was playing tricks on the other and hid them. But the point is that I feel like there is NOTHING that is mine anymore...and H falls into that category too. Do y'all kinda get what I'm saying? It's like I used to have a life that was mine, and I had people who were my friends, etc,...but now, I feel like I don't have my own man because I have to share him with his ex, and I don't have my own home because it's his (used to be/still is hers)...and now I don't even have my own frikkin space in this place because even that's getting invaded.
I'm just tired of it all y'all...
One man's opinion
I dont see the problem really. He is trying to be upfront about the calls and the content. I dont know all the details clearly, but if you cant trust what he is telling you maybe you shouldnt get married.
All Bio parents arnet nuts. Many are blind, some are in fact nuts. He had a relationship and children with his Ex and it went sour for whatever reasons. A healthy couple should be able to remain civil and speak with each other about the kids, even about their stupid hockey games. The one thing they will always have in common is the love of those children and you will never be her equal in that area.
Be sure the issue isnt yours. You cant expect him to have no or extremely limited contact with his Ex when they have kids together. Thats not in the best interests of those kids. Now if the Ex is clearly manipulative then that changes things. Maybe she calls her kids too much...
I really took your post to heart
I'm so happy to hear a man's perspective.
In my heart, I want to trust my H because he's said what you're saying to me. The problem is there's been so much nonsense in our life because of bm and all their intertwined crap...plus she's a pushy, arrogant skank who does not give me respect. I have tried, seriously, from day one, to just ignore it, not let it bother me, but you know what? After like the 50th time she barged directly into our home and H didn't say a word to her, I have finally lost it and have said no more!
I realize they need to talk about the kids on occasion and I'm not trying to stop that. In fact, H would tell you that I have been more accommodating and better to his kids than either of them have been and I have had a better relationshp with them than either...he has said this on several occasions. So I would never come between him and his kids.
All I'm asking for is that the contact with her be limited because she is abusing it, and because of all their crap that's gone on, yes I do feel insecure.
Honestly, it sounds like
Honestly, it sounds like you're putting him on a very tight leash & trying to be very controlling. I understand you want contact limited to only when neccessary, but your idea of "neccessary" and his idea of "neccessary" are probably a little different. If these kids are older & can do most of the communicating between parents, great, thats probably best. But when people are in each others daily lives, there seems to be a lot more details & a lot more communicating, and it sounds like thats whats going on here. I don't know who left who, but I would think if he wanted to be with her, he would be. But he's not. He's with you & you should probably learn to trust him & make sure you feel secure in your own relationship before getting married. Otherwise you're going to suffocate him with all the nagging and he may stop telling you things just so he doesn't have to hear it. I would try to lay off a little and really examine where all this insecurity is coming from. How long have they been split? If you really don't think he's over her you should just move on or take a break until you feel you can trust he has no feelings left for her. You can't watch & monitor someone 24/7, there has to be some trust. Divorcing when you have children is not just a break up of a couple, its a break up of a family & in order for the parents to maintain a good relationship with their kids, they need to feel as involved as they did before the split, and that requires communicating between them.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
I hear what you're saying
I don't think I'm putting him on a tight leash...it's more like, I'm just so tired. Melis, he's been letting her walk all over me for a year and I'm just sick and tired of it. I feel like when he does it, he's choosing her over me, which I'm just about done with. I'm good enough to mother his sick kids, and take them to doctors and feed them, take care of them, etc...but when it comes time to meet my needs, which are very few, he's just falling sooo short.
I realize he needs to talk to her about the kids, as far as pick ups and drop offs...and I believe that to be the extent of it. The problem is still the unnecessary stuff...if she doesn't have the kids and they aren't answering their phones, believe me, she will still be seeing them in a matter of hours every single day regardless of whether or not they answer her calls.
You know what...it's like I'm just trying to force some space into our life so shove her off to the side so WE can think and try to figure out what to do. Our lives are just absolute chaos right now...my mom's in the hospital, his mom's in the hospital, the holidays are here, the kids have more hockey then humanly possible to cope with, etc...and I'm literally ready for a breakdown. What I need, because him and I have absolutely NO TIME TOGETHER AT ALL, is for her to get the f*ck out of my face, out of our life, and just back the f*ck down for a while so we can just exist without all the crap around, you know?
Ok, now that I've read more
Ok, now that I've read more on what you're dealing with, I've changed my opinion. I didn't realize you are dealing with a BM that still acts like the wife, a BF who lied about being divorced & does not set any boundaries with her. I understand where your insecurities are coming from, and I really don't blame you. I would feel the same way. Can you guys move into your own house? I could not imagine living in the same house as BM once did and still acts like she does. I wouldn't let her set foot in the door. I feel bad for you, I would definitely put my foot down with him. He needs to learn to put you & your feelings before BM and set boundaries with her. You've got a lot on your plate!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
I have to agree with
Melis and MSloan...do you have any kids of your own or together? I am assuming not. I too use to get upset when my BF had numerous calls with BM. But now I'm over it...I know for certain he would never go back to her...she made him miserable. And if they need to talk about the girls, 19 and 14 well they can talk all they want to. Yes, I think she calls way too much...but that's his problem. As long as he doesn't take her calls when he's around me...I'm fine with it...he lets her leave a message...and if it's an emergency he'll call her back. If not...he'll call her back on his time...not on mine. Face it they have a history together and kids...and even though the kids are older, there really still is need to talk to each other. Regarding money, medical issues, school issues...things you don't want the kids involved in. My BF's ex even checks with him on things she's not sure about letting the 14 year do, and things the 19 year old is doing. She keeps him informed in a nice way...and it makes him feel so much more involved...even if he isn't. So my advice would be as long as he's telling you about the calls and discussions...and you don't think he's sneaking around talking to her and the subject is not inappropriate...then don't treat it as a problem. I have friends who've been divorced for years...and now still keep in contact because of the grandkids as well as their kids together. As long as they are not talking about anything inappropriate..and are discussing the kids...I see no problem with it.
I think you're right too
I'm really trying to be all zen and not let it bother me, but honestly, we've got so much crap going on in our life right now that I just need her to be out of the picture...just to step off for a while and be in the backdrop like a chair or something. I just can't cope with her ugly face all up in my life every single frikkin day. I just need some time for her to be out of the picture so we can try to have even a little bit of a normal life.
that's exactly how I feel
and I'm trying to do this, but getting him on board with it is the problem. he just irritates the living sh*t outta me because I tell him it bothers me..I don't ask for much, really I don't--I swear. I never nag or bitch about anything...I let him have the skids there all the time, I treat them like they're my own, and I never give anybody any trouble. All I ever ask is less bm...that's it.
And that's exactly my point too...we have the skids constantly, every single day! So if he doesn't talk to them one night they a game, so the f*ck what? He'll see them in the morning regardless.
It all just is too much. It's like he has two wives and I'm sick to death of it.
From my bio page, I wrote that we're engaged right...well, he gave me this ring months and months ago (while they were separated but still married, unbeknownst to me fyi) which is supposed to mean that I am Number1...I'm the Queen Bee, not BM. So I just get all angry that he's given me this ring, acts like I'm his frikkin wife by making me do all the crappy-wife-stuff, but I don't get the respect.
And I think you completely nailed it...bm needs to respect...me, us, him, etc...but SHE DOESN'T...and H doesn't make her...and that's why I'm so frustrated and tired.
Take a deep breath
First of all I don't for ONE MINUTE think he has any feelings for his ex at all - so please get that thought out of your head. T - try to back off on that one. Now this is my opinion because I have gone through this with all the phone calls and have been in counseling over this very same issue I think you have a very valid point. You feel that there are 3 of you in the relationship instead of just the 2 of you. Now I do agree - and I have said this to my own FH - that yes he must sometime talk to BM (we don't hear from her AT ALL now which is great!). That is only if there is an important medical issues or something that is extremely urgent regarding SD she can call otherwise whatever he needs to know he can hear it from his own kid. Otherwise ALL issues can be dealt with by email. Your steps are old enough to talk to either parent on their own without mommy and daddy handling every little thing for them. Yes they are their parents but they are not together and have two separate households. There is no need for them to communicate on a daily or weekly basis. That is what people do when the divorce they MOVE on. I think deep down BM is still calling him because she wants to hold on to that connection that they once had and she needs to realize unless it is something really important about the kids she needs to leave him alone. BUT you need to take a deep breath and talk to him about all of this - my FH didn't get it either and it took counseling for him to see the bigger picture. Good luck to you sweetie - email me if you want to talk more. I understand completely WHY you would feel this way. My FH broke up with the BM before SD15 was even born and every time she would call it would just make my skin crawl (I mean she would call 50 times a month!)
oh thank you so much
your post made me cry because you understand so much of what I'm feeling.
Thank you thank you thank you!!!
With my now skewed viewpoint, I should probably keep my
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
mouth shut, but I'm not good at that-so: My opinion.
I went back and read some of your blogs, teapot. And it appears there are things that have happened in your relationship that add to your feelings of insecurity when it comes to whether you feel your bf truly loves you or not.
By the how's your Mom? Did he go to her surgery with you?
Anyway, back to the point. I believe at one time he lied to you about a toll ticket his ex received, and there's been a few other things that made you wonder just how much he really wanted you in his life...and this is the fallout. I doubt very much he has feelings for his ex...
My situation, of course, is different from anyone elses, as H and his abnormal views and actions continue to confirm. I don't know when he talks to his ex. I know he talks to her if he is at the bms' house for any reason with his d's-he's let that much info slip. I know that at some point in time, during the first two weeks of our marriage, they had to have had some very involved conversations I was unaware of, regarding their plot to have SD13 live here with me. Without my knowledge or consent-or even opinion. I know he has his stupid little secrets. And I no longer care.
Be very careful, girlfriend. Some of your posts seemed indicative of other issues-where your bf seems to leave you feeling like an outsider, tho you clearly live with him. And it scares me for you. Because I am now an outsider in my own home.
thanks sweetie
for asking about my mom. She's doing better...her lymph nodes are cancer-free so they removed part of her lung and it looks like she has a pretty good shot at a full recovery, cancer-free. (Knock on wood).
H did go. He rocked up at about 3 in the morning...long story short, he had no details where exactly we were (cuz he'd been busy with hockey hockey hockey instead of planning with me), but he found a place to stay and was there in the morning right after they'd taken my mom to surgery. he stayed the entire day and we saw her late in the afternoon...she asked to see him since i told her he was there...she likes him.
I really relate to what you were saying. H is a super guy in many many ways...but like you've said, there are little issues and things that are red flags to me. Perhaps they're not big issues, but they're big enough to leave me feeling sick and drained. Also, like you said, in our life, there are some 'plots' between H and bm. They do the kid scheduling and all that crap...and I feel left out and angry and resentful. I didn't give birth to these kids, yes hello I know that, BUT I'm supposed to be the new wife(soon to be) and I do LIVE there, and I do TAKE CARE OF THEIR KIDS, so I should at least be given the respect enough to be included...not like I want to plan or whatever, but I should be able to look at the schedule before it's 'permanent' and say, "hey, that doesn't work for me on that day because I HAVE A LIFE AND RESPONSIBILITIES OF MY OWN, BEYOND BEING YOUR PERSONAL CHILDCARE SLAVE."lol
Thanks for what you said bewitched...you've also given me things to think about.
Hugs
I have to agree....
I have to agree with the others...My ex husband and I always had a decent co parenting relationship..That's all it was..He was close to our daughters and would call once a week to talk to them and to me..When we talked it was always about the kids, how they are doing in school, any successes or issues they may be having...It was just keeping the other parents active and up to date in their own childrens lives...This went on for 6 years...We got along well and the kids thrived under our parental interaction..
Enter the new step mom 5 years ago...She would flip out on him every time he talked to me for any reason, even it if was for him to call to tell me he was leaving his state to pick up the girls in my state and to give us a ball park on when he would be in our location..Yep, she expected him to only email me too..So she could read everything we said to each other which really was none of her business...Eventually, she even insisted on being the one who emailed me regarding issues, updates, and visiting arrangments between our kids...They were not her kids and I didn't think I should have to filter communication through her to talk to my ex husband about our kids...My feelings were and still are "who does she think she is"? The end result is that my ex husband stopped having any intereaction with our children because she made it so miserable for him..My girls havn't talked to their father in almost four years...
She is the mother of his children and he will have to talk to her and continue to maintain a decent co parenting relationship with her for the best interests of their children..To stay an active and involved parent will require him to speak with her liberally..Thats just the way it is...If you don't trust him or feel like you need to be his warden and tell a grown man who he can and can't talk to or moniter his interaction with his ex wife like he is a grounded child...Then maybe you shouldn't marry him for your sake and for the sake of him and his children..
In a perfect world their would be retroactive abortion capabilities.~ disgusted
I would never
try to separate H from his kids...I would leave him first before I would ever try to come between him and his kids. All I'm asking for is RESPECT...respect that I live there, I am the wife now(or will be soon), it is my home, I'm paying bills there, and I am also a caregiver of THEIR children. Both of them need to have more respect for me than they are giving. Someone said on this board that she thought the bm should realize that the sm is giving their child love and care, and the bm should want that for their child and be happy that another woman can care for her child. And that's my point too. This woman wants to walk all over me, disrespect me and my household,come and go at will...all with H's implied approval...and I'm supposed to be ok with it, while loving and caring for her kids...it's just not right and not fair. Because although both H and bm seem to think I'm their personal slave/childcare worker, I am not...I can at any time say "enough is enough" and walk out on my relationship/marriage and wash my hands of the whole deal. And then who will take care of their kids? Who's going to take care of them when they're sick? Who's going to shuttle them to hockey? Who's going to pick up the slack? I'm doing more than my fair share here, I just ask that I get a little respect for my feelings in return.
Although I feel bad for
Although I feel bad for Disgusted's situation with her EX & their kids, you are not in the same situation. This is not one weekly phone call and you are not being a psycho controller that monitors all interaction between BF & BM. Your BF already sees the kids on a daily basis, so there is no need for as much contact as there has been, and really boundaries are more your issue. Disgusted's ex-hubby's new wife sounds like she was just a psycho jealous b@!ch for having to monitor 1 weekly phone call. I feel sorry for her kids, its a shame their dad would abandon them for such a nutcase.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
I agree with your point also lil_teapot
Now that I know more about your sitaution..I would have to say that I agree with you...Trust me, I understand how you feel as a step mom paying the bills and be treated like the personal built in maid, nanny, and babysitter...Yes, she should have respect for you and your home! As for who will take care of their children when they are sick, need a ride to hockey ect...What did they do before you came into the picture and started picking up the slack??? As a step parent none of that is your responsibility or obligation...I would stop doing more then my fair share, because really none of it is your share..It's the parents obligation and responsibility to tend to all that...Then I would lay down some firm boundaries with DH and the BM myself personally...
I know and understand your frustration all to well...You give and feel taken for grated or expected to do those things...
Hugs to you!!!
In a perfect world their would be retroactive abortion capabilities. ~ disgusted.
The "shared house" thing...
has bothered me about your situation right from the
beginning of reading about your dilemma.
All of what you are saying would annoy me to no
end, also. I would be VERY CAREFUL about marrying
this dude, LilT, without setting some firm boundaries. Once he "has you", he's certainly not
going to make changes then. You still have leverage
to make him CHANGE THINGS (such as getting your OWN
place and staring your OWN life; and limiting contact from meddlesome BM)because if won't LISTEN
and TRY to make YOU happy, you can STILL WALK NOW!
Once you say "yes" forever, you're basically saying
"yes" to the status quo. You deserve much better than that, girlfriend!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
kitty you are so right!
That's exactly how I'm feeling...each step we are getting closer to being forever-and-ever, I'm getting more afraid. He's getting more and more control over things and getting less willing to meet my needs.
And that's exactly what I'm saying to myself right now....I don't need this crap, I can walk at any time.
H seems to think that I would come back and has said as much...that when I left him back in October, he *knew* I'd come back. So i guess that has bothered me...it's like he knows he can push me around and eventually if I get really mad he can reel me back in. But what he isn't getting is that that whole drama is getting old...I'm tired and just disgusted with the whole mess, so for real, if something happens like back in October when I found bm in my house yet again, I will be gone baby! I am at the point where I've said to H 'enough is enough' and I'm sticking to it. If I can't get even my basic needs met when I don't ask for very much, then I'm going to get out.
Hugs
Id be pissed tooo
Oh you can bet that if I came home to find the BM hanging out in my house I would be pissed!!! What was she doing in your house anyway?
In a perfect world their would be retroactive abortion capabilities. ~disgusted
Things add up
I can understand how you are feeling and this and it was probably not one time but maybe a lot of other things that have added up to make you feel insecure. I remember the first time I met my H parents. We were at their house and the BM called H on cell phone.. The BM "The sky is falling" their 15 year old boy tripped and broke the cell phone.. They sat and talked on the phone about how to replace the cell phone while I was sitting in his parents house.. I felt like a total idiot... Comon that conversation couldn't wait a couple of days? The BM also knew we were visiting his parents....just in case she needed to know where he was and something happened to the kids... BULL CRAP.. that is what cell phones are for. Then things start adding up and you start feeling like you are second place just because they have kids. Usually when things like this happen if you don't resolve them right away they just start adding to the resentment.
amen!!!
That's exactly it!!! I have told H that he keeps feeding my resentments, but he seemingly doesn't get it....He thinks because he's a "nice guy" (too nice, he thinks)that I should be just over the moon with happiness. But I tell him, you and bm have done things that were wrong, mistakes, whatever....they have hurt me and I still hurt and am angry and resentful. For all the work I put into the relationship, I feel like he's not listening when I say, "Please do (x) so that I feel less resentful/angry." Its sometimes like I'm talking to the wall.
And that's why I was so mad...all this crap adds up and instead of seeing that "Oh hey, maybe I DONT need to call bm about this RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND" (since he'll see the kids in a couple of hours anyways)...he'll just keep on p*ssing me off.
If you have any ways of getting over the resentment, let me know.
Hugs
They only way I know of to get over the resentment
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
is seeing that the actions that caused the resentment in the first place have stopped. Completely.
What worries me about your situation is not that your bf has gone to the extremes my H has-it's that he has ignored your pleas and refused to work on behaviour that makes you feel threatened. And you said, it adds up. The crap. I see my relationship with H kind of like a horse's stall. Yea, the horse will poop, but you clean it up, and it's good again. If you don't clean it up, it piles up and piles up and you end up with a horse with hoof disease, or worse. H never cleans it up.
There's to my mind, a big difference between jealousy, and refusing to be dissed. Jealousy would imply unreasonable feelings of anger and insecurity. Demanding respect, what is rightfully yours (for example, BM being in YOUR home, and you having an angry reaction)is not, to my way of thinking, jealousy.
Good luck. Please heed Kitkats observations about marrying your bf. The signs are there, in your face there. And if he doesn't listen up, change the attitude, before you marry, it will only get worse after you marry. Trust me on this-I am now living proof.
nice way to put it bewitched
get over the resentment by seeing that the resentment causing actions have ceased. and the difference between jealousy and refusing to be dissed...i love it. makes sense.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
After reading
all the comments and your responses, I think you need to step back from this relationship completely. This man is not going to change and neither is his ex, because he will not insist on it. He obviously likes the situation, maybe makes him feel really macho to have 2 women in his life. I think you should move on and out before your committed and it is harder to get out. Listen to what bewitched is saying...it's easier to get out now than after your married. You do not need to live like this, you do not deserve this, and I don't think he's going to change!
that's what i told him
I've said to him that he wants to have his cake and eat it too, or he likes us 'fighting' over him(or whatever). You're saying things I've said to myself, and said to H, and none of it's gotten me anywhere substantial. All he keeps sayin is,"well, it's better thanit was right?" Like because she isn't in my living room anymore that things are fine. And yeah, things are better...she's more respectful of boundaries, but like I've said, their relationship in any form bothers me. I've been the bigger person, tried to deep breathe, and all it's gotten me is tired and walked on.
I don't think he's going to change either...it's just that I'm trying to figure out if what's going on is soooo bad, or if I'm not tough enough for this job.
I am late responding
to this post as usual.... hehehe
BUT I have followed your story and I believe it simply boils down to one thing.....BOUNDARIES!!!! The BM has none where the house is concerned and DH has none with the BM. You either need to move back to your apartment, or institute some serious boundaries with this man. I would NOT marry him until they were firmly in place.
sounds like a good idea
I've been trying with the whole boundaries thing and it's kinda working. Things are better. Sometimes though I feel like he resents me...you know? It's almost like I feel as though i'm coming between him and bm...which probably is the furthest thing from the truth, but sometimes I just wonder. Yes it's probably my insecurity, but he just hasn't made me feel secure. I don't have my exhusband calling or stopping in. I don't make H feel the way he allows me to feel. I tell him I hurt and whatnot and he doesn't respond/act on it. He'll take some step to fix the problem, but only after I've gone completely mental and lost the plot.
I don't think I want to be married to him the way things are. Sometimes I wonder if being married would make bm back off--you know, she'd know I've got power and stuff...but I don't know that I want to be legally tied to this mess.
It took several breakups for him to get a clue
For me it didn't sink in for my H until there were several breakups and thearpy sessions. I actually had him read a couple of posts on this site so he understood that I wasn't the only one that felt this way.
This took several years actually and sometime he slips, but like a broken record I reinforce the boundaries. I got so fed up one time that I drew up my own parenting plan with my H. So he understood what I would and wouldn't do for his kids and how much we would spend on birthday/xmas gifts, etc. We had to both agree just like a real parenting plan he has with his ex. After we did that I felt empowered again and I had some control back. YOu should think about that type of thing and if you don't want her coming into your house that should go into the plan... If you don't want her calling all the time that should go into the plan. Now you do have to compromise like everything else in life but at least he will know how serious you are about certain things. I don't know have all the answers.. but I am just letting you know what worked for me..
me too.lol
I've broken up with him a couple of times already and left in october for what I thought was the last time. I've showed him some of the info I got off of here, and he takes to heart...somewhat. He says that the divorced people he knows at the hockey rings (yuck! I'm sick of hockey)all have fabulous relationships with their ex...in fact one divorced couple still coach their son's team...one coaches and the other is treasurer or something and does the video. Frankly, i told him, that's just weird and sick.
I'm going to keep trying to do the parenting plans like you've described...it's just hard because what "they" plan goes on behind closed doors and I just get the fallout from it...even though i have to take care of their kids all the time.
can you step back
and look at it in a neutral manner..
I dont think that you are asking too much, I have read your other posts and I know where some of the insecurities come from and they are justified, what I am saying is to try and see it as if you are a friend trying to help another friend in the same situation.
would you act differently or do something differently?
I have had to do that myself a couple of times in my relationship with FH. it aint easy but it has help with some of my insecurities/issues.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
I think
I'd tell my friend to do what their instincts are telling them.
Mine are telling me that I love this man, but things just aren't "right" enough for me. I'm unhappy...very unhappy. And he tries to make me happy, but just can't. What I want, he can't give. I just want things to be different than how they are, but it's not happening.
Maybe my friend should leave....
LilTeapot-follow your gut instincts.
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
"That's exactly how I'm feeling...each step we are getting closer to being forever-and-ever, I'm getting more afraid. He's getting more and more control over things and getting less willing to meet my needs"
More afraid. I'm so sorry, but instincts are there for a reason. Listen to them, before you make a final decision.
I hear ya girl
My gut's been telling me to run...I've been sick, nauseous and feeling like I've got an ulcer for a few months now. And I know alot of it is stress at home. Alot of times I feel literally like I'm gonna vomit and have a panic attack when I drive down our street. I know that's not right and not how it's supposed to be, but I've had so much bad stuff from bm for so long, and h hasn't stood up to her(very much), that I just feel sick having to come home.
I'm going to listen and see what options i have to get myself outta this mess if need be.
Hugs.
Take care of you
I know you love this guy but you cant seperate him from the rest of his life, which will eat away at your soul from what Ive read.
I love icecream, but once its covered in crap... Im not eating it.
I couldnt imagine staying where you are at without any more very significant ties. Id run like hell.