I don't know what to do anymore....
Hi everyone, I'm new here, and I need some help, words, anything that can help me making a decision..please...
A little background, I'm 27, I'm 3 months pregnant with my first baby, married for the last 2 years and a half, my DH is 33, and has 3 kids from previous marriage, SD13, SD10 and SS6, I have to say that his parenting is base on guilt because he left them, his ex was cheating on him and he left the state, now I'm in a situation when the kids come on their vacation, and that's fine with me, but they are allowed to do whatever they want in my house, my husband doesn't say anything, and if I do, I'm the evil stepmom of the story, I'm not allowed to say anything that is not good about them or anything that has to do with them, that said, yesterday we where finishing unpacking (we just moved to a bigger place because of the baby) so he started putting pictures of his kids ALL over the place, seriously, (he didn't put a picture in the bathroom maybe cause he problably haven't thought about it..yet) that's fine, I don't care, then he started hanging pictures of them on the wall, ok, I am probably weird, but I just don't like pics of people on the wall, I just don't, so I made a comment, I just said "I don't like pics on the wall" (I've problably said it different but I didn't)and he got upset, then I asked him "how come you don't put any picture of me and you?", so then the whole issue became a thunderstorm, and because I said that now I hate his kids, everyting is because I hate them, that's what he says, I'm so fed up with this, now we talked about separation, and seriously I think is the best thing I can do, am I wrong? or shold I stay with him and take all his s***? I am really confused, but now I have to think about my baby, and seriously I don't think this is a good environment for him/her. Please any advice..
- LindaL's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Being that this new place is
Being that this new place is BOTH your and your DH's, you should sit down and discuss the decor before doing anything. Maybe give him an area of the house that he can use to display the photos of his kids - instead of them hanging everywhere. I don't think it's anything worth breaking up over tho. But I'm with you. I don't have any pics of the skids or even my own kids on my walls. They're in nice frames on the shelves.
I don't have any pictures of
I don't have any pictures of the kids hanging on my walls either, there are a few on top of the TV, and that's it... I agree it doesn't sound worth divorcing over though. Some really good advice I was given is that "they aren't your kids and you will never love them like he does." Sometimes it is very hard for men to understand that. Maybe some counseling could help you get on the same page. My DH used to turn everything into "you just hate my kids". We used counseling to vent our frustrations and eventually he calmed down. I don't hate his kids, but this is my house too and I'm not going to rearrange it for people who are never here.
same situation here, every
same situation here, every single word that comes out of my mouth about them is because I hate them, it is my house too!! i seriously why do I have to have pictures of them all ove my house?? like you said, they are barely 3 months out the year with us, It's been a lot of history here, a lot of things said, really hurtful things, how can I talk sense to a person that is never wrong? how can I even suggest counseling to a person that thinks that s*** is for crazy people?? I am just fed up...
I agree with you, but the
I agree with you, but the thing is, I'm tired of him making a big deal about me saying something that has to do with his kids, not even directly about his kids, that's the situation that I just don't understand, he is so defensive all the time when it comes to them, and seriously I am thinking about the hell I will be putting my baby though, his kids aren't the nicest kids, they can be mean when the want their way....I don't know, I am problably too emotional, but it's been like this always, I am just reaching my boiling point...
Yes, but like you said
Yes, but like you said yourself, you're 3 months pregnant. I get it. I'm 4 1/2 months pregnant with my second. I know how emotional and frustrating every single thing seems to be. Your hormones are in a frenzy, you're tired, getting headaches, etc. I understand. But just take a moment and think about it. Just how tragic is the picture-hanging thing? Not very. And yes, if you and BF are arguing about the skids, then counseling is definitely a step in the right direction. But don't put the cart (divorce) before the horse (counseling). If nothing else, it will give your BF a chance to understand why he's so defensive regarding his kids.
Welcome! Sorry you are
Welcome! Sorry you are having to go through this....it sucks! Considered counseling?
He is overly sensitive. I do
He is overly sensitive. I do have pics on the walls of all my kids (BSs and SD) I am sure to have a equal number of all the kids, SD is always checking on things like that. For example...when we poured concrete I wrote our names in it. I wrote the kids names oldest to youngest....SD noticed right away that her name was first! I knew she would!
I know that once your baby is born you will have tons of pics of him/her, you maybe a little more understanding of your Hs feelings.
I would suggest that you tell him that maybe you could use one room for pics--you don't like to put them on the walls. Maybe down that hallway, or office space??
Just becuz you said that does not mean you hate his kids, but understand that he doesn't see them often and this is a way he can. Mention to him that you understand that BUT....
Did he have these pictures
Did he have these pictures up in the old place before you moved? I'm asking because my DH had lots of pics of kids up before we moved, and when we moved the pics moved with us. In addition, once we were in a serious relationship, pics of me and him together started to be put up too, and once we were married I added my own pics - of family and dear friends. But at about 5 months pregnant, when I was having a meltdown about my baby not being his first baby, the kids' pictures became a scapegoat! I just wanted some compassion and some understanding and to feel a bit special since I wasn't getting a chance to be first, but he thought I was beginning to hate his kids, and since "the fact of him having kids" isn't something that he can change he was always defensive.
Pregnancy hormones really does cause us to be overly emotional and sensitive, I think. For some time, I swear I was going loco, and my DH and family would agree!
Reassure him that you don't hate his kids, and put pics of you and him up if he won't. Pics on the wall, well you might have to compromise on that one, but hey, claim your wall real estate too - maybe for some fabulous wedding pics or paintings you love etc., and definitely make sure there's space on the wall for baby-on-the-way!