DH is Stand-Offish
So, since I have decided to disengage from the skids, DH doing things differently.
I told him several days ago that I can't help him with the skids b/c I don't get anything out of it. I used to make SD16 a snack after school, breakfast before she goes off the work; I used to cook for all of us; eat with them at the table; help my DH with child custody issues for SD16; and just be helpful with them.
I slowly started to feel used. DH has kids that are stand-offish. They rarely carry on a conversation; lock themselves up in their rooms. If I said, "hey, how was your day?" And I'd get a "fine" and SD or SS would just walk by me. I had asked each of them to help clean the bathroom THEY use, and they basically ignored me. They really seem to be unreachable; even my bio sons say the same thing.
So, it dawned on me that I sit here and used my retirement money to help pay for the roof over their head, the food they eat, the tv they watch, the water they use, etc, etc,....
I don't usually list the things I do for people, but I feel emotionally used. I really enjoy helping people. I did it for 21 years in the military. But here, I get nothing out of trying to be nurturing and helpful. I get a fake smile - that's it.
So yesterday, DH picks up all the towels left in a hamper in the bathroom and washes them. He instructs his 16 y/o daughter to wash her plate; not leave it in the sink. Wouldn't let me make him his pork chop for dinner.
His behavior was......wait for it, wait for it...............'STAND-0FFISH.'
Now, I do think he needs to do what his lazy kids don't do. I feel badly that he doesn't have the balls to tell them what I think he should tell them; but I'm done trying. He support his 22 y/o son and now his 16 y/o daughter. Son is in college and works part; pays cable and internet. Daughter is 16 and works weekends. Neither of them misbehaves; they're just moochers; esp the the 22 y/o man living in the room!!
DH's stand-offish behavior is gonna form a wedge between us. I looked on line yesterday to find a place to live closer to my bio kids. Now I feel like it's my DH and his kids against me.
I just don't know what's gonna become of this marriage. I love him; I just don't know how to cope.
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My marriage would not survive
My marriage would not survive that. There are people who claim to have successfully disengaged from their stepkids. In our house, that would never work. My DH would be devastated. The kids would be hurt and confused. I would feel guilty.
We are a family. I am the mother in this house. I took on that role when I married my husband. There is no way I could disengage from my kids. My husband loves me dearly. But I wouldn't be the same person he married if I did that. It would end my marriage.
And it works both ways. If he suddenly decided that he didn't want to be "dad" in this house to my bios, I wouldn't be able to stay with him. I married a man who loved and accepted my kids and promised to help me care for them. If he changed that, he wouldn't be the same person I married.
JUST my opinion. Like I said, maybe those who have successfully disengaged from their stepkids AND maintained a healthy, happy marriage with their DHs can offer more insight.
I honestly don't want to be
I honestly don't want to be disengaged, but the skids' indifference toward me is unbearable. They were raised differently; really cold people. DH isn't like that, though, so I don't totally get it.
All my bio kids' friends love me and they're ages 15 to 25! I'm not a hard adult to deal with; I show the young people love and understanding, but I always remind them to mind their manners, not use bad language, stay in school.....etc.. And with all that, those young people come running to me when they see me. Idk,,,,
Further, it's not like the skids are little; they are 16 and 22; I hold my bio sons (19 and 16) responsible for how they treat people ----- especially family, and that includes my DH AND THEIR FATHER'S GF.
We're going to counseling on Monday. Maybe they offer some advice.
I understand what you mean.
I understand what you mean. My stepson used to be like that. Just unemotional. He's opened up some in the last year or so. But his indifference really hurt me for a long time. In my stepson's case, I think he was terrified to let anyone, not just me, get too close.
I hope y'all can find answers in counseling. Maybe just having someone help direct communication for a few hours will help.
I do know that there are people on this site who swear that disengaging has been the best thing in the world for them. It must work for some families. It wouldn't for mine.
Yeah, my tears flow when I
Yeah, my tears flow when I think of it.
I know I'm being selfish in thinking this way, but I would be devastated to fail in another relationship and to have my sons see me fail again. I honestly don't think DH's kids would care......really. They may feel bad for him, but that's it.
You're right, the waiting game has begun!! I feel terrible...
I'll be thinking of you, too.
Yeah!! That's what I thought.
Yeah!! That's what I thought. How do I deal with that? How do I deal with the sudden coldness, lack of communication and affection?
What do you do with a passive aggressive person? The skids are the same!
I guess he's reacting to what
I guess he's reacting to what he perceives as your sudden coldness towards his kids??? Just a guess. It doesn't really matter why or whether or not it's true. It's all about what he THINKS is true.
Hopefully your counselor will be able to get him to open up about it.
One questions...are you sure it's passive aggressiveness and not just him feeling hurt and being unable to express that in a healthy way?
Our family therapist told us that anger is always...always...fear in disguise. Could he be afraid that your pulling back from his kids means you are pulling away from him?
I think you're on track
I think you're on track mom2five. I think my decision to take a step back has really impacted him.
I have been feeling really depressed over this situation, so I went to see a psychologist for a "triage" type session. She told me that maybe I need to stop putting myself out there; she advised me to step back.
Her advise was to not use any of my money for his kids (I already pay for half of everything they need to live comfortably), not to clean up after them; she basically said to treat them like a friend/roommate.
I haven't even told him about the money part, but I've stopped reading the mail from the Attorney General and explaining to him, I've stopped asking him to ask them to clean up; and I try to treat them like roommates, but they don't even respond.
He is hurt! I know it, but I don't know how what to do. I feel like I have to protect my own feelings, too.
Here's a website that I get
Here's a website that I get emails from occasionally. You might find it interesting:
http://passiveaggressivehusband.com/
Dear Lisa - I am not trying
Dear Lisa - I am not trying to sound cruel, so please don't take it offensively, but this is what you asked for. You told him you were stepping back from being involved with his kids. If he told you that, wouldn't you get an attitude with him? I agree he is being passive-aggressive, but at the same time, maybe you are too. There is nothing abnormal about a teenager responding with a "fine" to a question - or not doing what they're told - even being older kids who should know better. I understand that, especially being retired military, you have certain expectations and specifically comparing your BKs to your SKs...everyone is different and their personalities are different.
I think the counseling session will be good for you and DH to address these issues. Just be prepared for the finger to be pointed back at you.
Good luck!
I realize I'm not the
I realize I'm not the innocent character in this story. I know I have my own faults.
My biggest gripe is with expectations. Don't expect me to kiss your kids' asses only to have them crap on me by ignoring me and you.
I do what I can. My first thought was to treat these skids as my own. I quickly realized I can't do that; they weren't raised by me and wouldn't understand my ways. Point taken.
I ended up treating them nicer than I would treat my own kids. That didn't work either. I got door slamming, rolling of the eyes, blatantly being ignored, etc.. Crap I wouldn't take from my kids.
So DH says, say something to them. I say something to them and get an attitude, indifference and " I don't want her to tell me what to do."
I tried not to bring anything up until we went to counseling. Yesterday DH badgered me about telling him what I'd like different. I told him we'd talk about things during counseling. He kept on and on ==== getting upset, raising his voice. So my choices were either tell him now and he'll get mad; or make him wait and he'll get mad. Nice, huh?
So, we spoke about a couple of things and ended up arguing anyway!!!
As to being honest about his skids and telling him they are unworthy---DH has no problem telling me what he thinks about my sons. He's not mean about it, as neither am I to him.
COUNSELING---he didn't even want to do that!!! He blew a fuse about having others in our business.
So yeah, DH has the right to feel angry and hurt! But so do I. I'm tired of it and need help.
Your DH needs to stop being a
Your DH needs to stop being a big baby. Why is it so difficult for some of these men to understand that we disengage to save out sanity and our marriage? My DH is good with me not trying to be a parent to his kid. He tried to put me in that roll, but it is not for me. I have my own kids and SS has a mom.
I am not sure why your DH would even get mad. Because he now has to take care of his kids?
I think he's mad b/c it's not
I think he's mad b/c it's not what he wanted. He wanted me to be okay supporting a 22 y/o man and he wanted me to bond with his daughter.
I don't think he expected her to be so disrespectful or indifferent. He doesn't realize how much it bugs me to see his kids use him and walk all over him.
But it's really not any of my business. He and his ex raised them that way and as long as he accepts it, there's not a thing I can do.
I JUST WON'T LET THEM USE MY MONEY AND HEART TO SHIT ON ME. Thus, the disengagement!
Excellent suggestion
Excellent suggestion sueu2...you are very wise. When you wrap them in a little compassion, your replies really resonate in a positive way.
First, we are going for
First, we are going for marriage counseling; not individual counseling. I didn't marry myself. }:) I realize WE have to work on our communication and conflict resolution. Those are two of the many courses I am qualified to teach. I am well versed in conflict resolution and effective communication. However, it's a lot easier to teach people who you're not married to because there's no emotional stake. And, I'm part of the conflict and communication, so that makes it a little more complicated. I can't teach him b/c he doesn't believe in the bullsh!t, as he puts it.
Believe me when I say that I have tried the "I feel" statements and that never have I been harsh when talking to my DH about his kids. I love him too much to use labels or name-calling when I talk about his children. I think about how I'm going to address things with him and those kids before I open my mouth. My two bio sons have a step mother and I know I don't want her mistreating my boys. I try to ask myself, "If this were my son, would it bother me so much?" "If this was my son, would I offer him breakfast?" "If this were my son, would I engage in conversation?" So the nice things I do with my boys, I try to do with my skids, but they just don't play.
I realize it's better to pinpoint my reason for being upset and then telling him how I feel. When my feelings are dismissed, and I try to explain them in a different way only to see him grow angry to the point that he throws things, then I feel like I need more help.
I have faith that the marriage counselor will help. She has experience with step-families, so we'll see.
When I remarried I didn't
When I remarried I didn't realise how different my expectations were for his sons. I did not think kids should eat dinner on the floor in front of TV when they need an old blanket to eat off because they make such a mess. I don't think a parent should be waking up a 12 yr old EVERY morning and softly letting him know it may be time he got moving because he had school. I did not think an 11 yr old should be driven to school when it is 100 yds away on a side street because he doesn't want to walk.
DH and I sat down and talked about expecataions of our kids and settled some differences and compromised. And maybe the 2 of you need to compromise.
Now my kids are far from perfect but my youngest is only a few months younger than his oldest. I have 4 he has 2. I had a few more years of experience dealing with teens. So he found out that maybe I knoew what I was talking about.
It is acceptable for a teen to say "fine" as they walk past. They are at an age where they are disengaging themselves form 'family' and their friends are so much more important. You really want her to say "OMG! You will never guess! Meredith broke up with Sean because Lacey told her about Sean hooking up with Kelsey at Dianna's party last week. But Sean says he didn't do anything and is really pissed with Lacey. So lacey told Jackson that Sean is gay and and and..." ??? Really?
At least she is responding and you will gain more respect from her if you accept her mono-responses. She doesn't need snacks made for her. She is big enough to make it herself. And she is big enough to do things for herslef.
When I backed off being the picker-upper for everyone I got a lot more respect from my S/Sons. My YSS (now17) used to ignore me. But when I ignored him and didn't clean up after him anymore he suddenly realised if he wanted my help he would have to ask for it. Which didn't bother me. The less running around i have to do the better I am!
Treat her like an adult and she will behave like one. Don't let her see you are resistant to her, just be neutral. It takes time but it works.
Your SD doesn't need another mother. But she does need an advocate.
Well I guess it's a
Well I guess it's a difference in upbringing. My bio sons come to my home, engage in conversation with my DH and greet both skids. They aren't perfect by any means, but they are personable people who recognize that a simple smile and a hello goes a long way.
Like I wrote previously, I tried being very nice. What did I get in return? Bloody tampons in the bathroom, towels on the floor, dishes in the sink, hair balls stuck on the shower stall, blah, blah, blah...... I let DH worry about it and now he resents me. Whatever.
That's not the type of adult I'm gonna contribute to raising. You're right, she doesn't need another mother --- she needs a maid! }:)
but I will do my best to remain neutral.
He'll get over it. Are you
He'll get over it. Are you both working?
If he says anything just tell him you are taking care of your kids, he takes care of his kids. Then you don't get upset over each others kids. Point out he doesn't need to be concerned about your kids at all. You will clean up after them and take care of their needs. And vice versa.
It will last about 6 weeks before your DH will get sick and tired of dealing with his kids and their crap.
The other option may be to suggest he moves out with his kids, you remain married and live together once the kids have all moved out. Point out how romantic it would be meeting in hotel rooms etc.
You know, last night he
You know, last night he washed the basket full of towels the skids leave in the bathroom (full and smelly). I ain't doing it. Then he insisted on cooking his own pork chop and wash the skids' dishes (remember they're SD16 and SS22). I said, "I'll fry your pork chop. You can't do everything." His response was something like, "I can do it by myself." Ugh.... But he's a Mexican man, used to the woman doing everything; he's flexible, I do have to say that. But it won't be long before he realizes he's doing everything for grown people.
I have seriously contemplated moving out. I can have my own house, really, my house. (I moved into his house with him). Set up rooms for my boys (they don't have a private room here, yet.) And I won't have to deal with any of the crap.
Problem: I made a huge investment in building a bigger master bedroom and two-car garage. I paid for that myself. So if I leave, I'll have to figure out how to get my money back.
But I really have thought about it. "Honey, I'm moving out. I'll see you when your kids decide to move out. Luv ya babe. Call me."
What do you think?
Ahh The Hispanic Machismo
Ahh The Hispanic Machismo thing... gotcha!
He is getting all dramatic and emotional trying to make you feel guilty. I bet his mother would think you are evil evil !
Well give it a few weeks. See what happens. You may need to wave the money goodbye. Actually, dress up flirty. Smell really hot. Smile and hum to yourself all the time. Offer to help him out. Eventually the testosterone will take over and he will want to jump you. This is when you tell him ..."Actually I think I can wait until your son moves out. I so want you babe. But things really need to start changing. So when you deal with what needs changing then we can get wild like you would never believe. I have been reading books! When things change your world will rock to the core. I will leave you unable to walk for week. " Wink, blow him a kiss and walk away.
I bet the boy will be out by morning.
Ah well, worth a try anyway.
But he may see your point. You want a grown up relationship with your husband. Not taking care of him and his lazy arsed offspring.
But if all else fails you can tell him when his and your kids are grown you can both have the marriage you both want without kids getting in the way. See what he says about that.
Question for you ... how long did he live with his parents?
He didn't live with his
He didn't live with his parents long at all. He married young and stayed with the same woman for about 20 years. He worked all the time; seemed to have been a fair husband; and then she found someone else, picked up her daughter and left.
So, for three years it was just him and his son. Now, his son thinks the house is his and that he can do whatever he wants.
I am at that point to say, if he's not gone in X amount of time, I am. It's bad enough I have two skids; but the 22 y/o doesn't need to live with us.
The weekend just came and went and of course SS22's girlfriend spent the whole weekend in his room just waiting for him to come home from work so they can spend the rest of the day in his room. Not something I would permit from my young sons.
I'm going to counseling today; hopefully he participates.
idk, this family is really
idk, this family is really weird to me in that everyone sits in their respective rooms. she stays there the whole time he's gone.
if DH decides we're gonna cook, he invites her out to eat, which I don't care for - SS should feed her, not me an DH
but you have a great idea....i just might start doing that!