More of a SO issue than a SK issue
Long time lurker of steptalk here.
Im 24 and have been a SM for right at 3 years. SS is 4.
I either have a real issue, or my SO has an issue. Or maybe both of us..
We go through a cycle where I take on a couple responsibilities here and there, then they pile up and I lose it. I'm completely child free, and judging by this experience I may remain that way for the rest of my life.
I was fired for the first time ever in my existence. It hit me pretty hard and I've been in a rut. Fast forward a week later, he coincidentally gets fired from his job. For back story, SO has a habit of not being able to keep a job for more than a year (just reached his first ever year anniversary at this job and gets fired 5 days later). I was really banking on him keeping his job since you know..... I just lost mine and we have a household together.
Since then, we've reversed into me taking his kid to school for him and picking him up. Watching him while he goes and does his side hustle in the evening. Him staying out so long working and being tired that he claims I should be the one taking his son to school at least, and he gets to sleep in. He's home by 11pm every single night... Even when he wasn't working, somehow I was taking his kid to school so he could be asleep until 10 in the morning. Wtf??? It's one of those situations where you give someone an inch and they take a mile. When I bring it up to SO, he says "well this is how we've been doing it so I just assumed it was okay." It always ends up like this. Once I say yes to doing a task a few times, it is EXPECTED.
For context, he has 50% custody.
His son has the most severe behavioral problems I have ever seen, and my mom (who raised 3 kids) says the same thing. It's also putting his schooling at risk, as they told us that if it continues he will not be allowed to come back. I believe it to be ADHD but neither one of his biological parents do anything about it. Just waiting until he is old enough to be medicated. So at night, when it's just him and I, he will throw complete tantrums and be downright awful. He cries, throws things, trashes his room, attempts to hurt MY animals, tells me he's going to his mommy's and not coming over anymore. I always get in the way and redirect him before he can actually cause harm to my fur babies, but the fact that he even tries is head turning. He doesn't do it with his father because his dad will absolutely lose it on him, and he has that sense of "I can't get away with this shit with my dad." When I try to just simply talk to his dad about it he's receptive but... doesn't really change anything or give me more than a "that really sucks" and sometimes a "I feel like one day you're going to leave me because of how my son is."
So, in essence, I have two damn kids that didn't come out of me. Maybe I'm just here to vent. But I just have to let it out to people who may GET IT.
This isn't even everything. I feel so fogged up that re reading this is making me feel like I'm not describing it in the right light and making my SO seem like a horrible guy. But all I'm doing is stating actual facts of things that have transpired over the past few weeks. Don't get me started on the years we've been together.
Part of me feels like this chapter could be ending.
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Comments
You're 24
Walk away from this bombsite. You're young and have a long, happy life ahead of you.
It certainly does sound like
It certainly does sound like you have two kids! Nice of him to assume any favors should become the norm. ~eye roll~
What will your SO do when you get another job and cannot play chauffeur to his son? The same thing he'd do if you left: haul his buns out of bed and do his parental duty.
Yep, his duty. SS is not your kid. He has 2 parents who are responsible for him. Anything you do is out of generosity.
Honestly, the threat of harm to my furbabies would have me out of there. If you want to be with him, move out and date. I'd RUN!
Is there a reason you stay
Is there a reason you stay with your boyfriend? I assume we've only gotten the bad here, but I really don't see anything that would make me want to tie myself to this man.
line up your ducks
Get out of your rut pronto. Ive been there too, and it sucks, but you MUST pick yourself up and get that job. THEN you can start moving forward with your life. You do not need to be his free childcare. Period.
And further - this child will get worse as he gets older. So staying - well I would definitely consider leaving to be the top option.
So, make getting a job for yourself your full-time priority.
Sorry you are going through this, it sucks.
Several points
1. He's unemployed and can't keep a job.
2. His child, who he has half the time, has major issues that aren't being addressed and will get worse. Animal abuse by a child is a huge red flag.
3. Your SO is lazy and pawns off whatever child duties he can on you
Here's what to do;
1. Make sure you have ironclad birth control.
2. Get a job as soon as you can
3. Protect your pets.
4. Move out as soon as you can.
What to do #1 is absolutely critical.
Protect from polluting her gene pool with this guy.
Do not, sacrifice your youth,
Do not, sacrifice your youth, or even one other second of your life on this failed partner, failed man, and failed parent.
If you stay, and please don't, NO!, has to be your default answer when this lazy serially fired loser pulls his guilt gaslhighting party on you. Make him parent. That... at is not your job.
As for the ill behaved failed family progeny, he does not act out with daddy because daddy won't tolerate it. Time to make this kid fear you far more than he fears acting out with his dad. His potential status of having special needs has does not mean you or anhone else should tolerate his shit behavior. In fact, I would say that if he does not act out with daddy, he is just a manipulative evil little POS and does not actually have the excuse syndrome of the moment. Not that I am a kid behioral syndrome of the moment expert. I am definately not.
Get on with living well. That can't happen where you are.
IMHO of course.
As for getting fired. I was just released without notice and not in a reduction in force for the first time in my career in June. No disciplinary actions, no performance issue, just... gone. I get how gut wrenching that can be. I am getting a lot of traction on some great roles though has taken several months to network into fruition.
Fortuntately for us, my DW's career is skyrocketing so we are okay financially. My industry tends to be cyclical, hers is eternal, under served, and under staffed. We have always tempered our lifestyle for a single income so.... we do not have the tension that you and your SO are experiencing with both of you out of work.
Though you have not provided the detail behind SO's serial employment instability, it really does not matter. He is not equity life partner material. That is plain. Not as a partner, nor as a parent.
Take care of you.
Your SO doesn't sound like a
Your SO doesn't sound like a horrible guy. He sounds lazy and irresponsible which, if he's around your age, he may grow out of. BUT - you know who probably isn't going to grow out of his problems? Your SS, who has been fk'd up by being raised in chaos by immature people. He will likely grow INTO this problem and probably more.
You can't save SS. As a step-girlfriend of a guy with 50/50 custody, you are not in a position to. You say you never want kids. Having your own kids and raising them better is NOTHING like being a stepmom attached to a trainwreck. Nothing.
You are so young. My son is almost your age and he worries about school, his future, and what band he's going to see next. What party he's going to go to when school lets out. What style he wants his clothes to reflect. You could focus on these things, too. But your SO can't and neither can you if you stay.
It would be one thing if your SO were willing to take control of the situation, but first he would have to admit there's a problem and get off his ass to try and figure out why SS is at risk of getting kicked out of school AT AGE FOUR! This kid may have developmental or psychological problems. Or his problem might be his upbringing and environment. In your position all you can do is sit by, watch, and bear the brunt of his parents' failures. A stepmom with a 50/50 BM and a lazy partner is in a really bad position to effect any change.
Please forgive me
Please forgive me
But how tf is a grown man with a kid thinking it's acceptable to lose his job THEN expect you to take care of his kid while he plays around on a "side hustle"
You are TOO YOUNG to be dealing with step kids (which is sometimes worse than having your own bc you are expected to have ALL the responsibility but no rights, no control, no weekends off, no child support payouts, and no real say)
Most (not all) single men need women to help them with their kids - they selfishly seek out women with no kids or very responsible single women with kids to leech off of.
Run girl!!!!!
A 4 yo SS
Isn't going away. Your SO is a loser. He not working and you are taking care of his kid. Don't walk away. RUN AWAY..ASAP
'This just will never get better. He out all evening,, you don't think there another woman ?
Run, Forest RUNNNNNNN!!!!! !!
Everything everyone else has already said upthread.
You are way, way too young to
You are way, way too young to be tethered to this guy and his child. As you get older, it will be harder and harder to find childless men. Please do yourself a favor and get out now. You can find someone who is an equal partner to you and y'all can start a life together, free of the strain of blending a family. If you let this drag on until you're in your 30s, the pool will be so much more limited.