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So hurt but trying to get over it

LizzieA's picture

Submitted by LizzieA on Wed, 09/30/2009 - 7:34am

Situation: DH's family decided they wanted him to go to his grand's 1st b-day and that one SIL would pay for HIS ticket. This is behind our backs, probably set in motion by SD who was playing the old heartstrings.

Well, we can't afford to pay to go, money is very tight and we just booked tickets for a few months out to see MY soon to be born grand and see DH's family too. We still don't have the funds for the rest of that trip, i.e rental car, etc.

DH was pretty mad at their manipulation and said he was going to insist that I be invited along. Not that we take much from people--we prefer to pay our own way and always have.

I didn't hear much about it for a couple of days and thought it had blown over. Nope. SIL paid for his ticket last night, DH wants to go to see SS who is having a hard time. I understand and support that, of course! I am not jealous of DH's kids!

For some reason I am really hurt and even cried over this. The ticket was a whole $250 and this woman makes $100,000 grand plus per year and always pays for relatives to do this and that. I guess I don't qualify.

These women (3 SILS) have some kind of twisted ownership of my DH. One of them TURNED HER BACK on me in public the first time we saw her after our wedding (eloped). Thinking about it, it's like how some adults react when their elderly dad or mom gets married. They have a hard time accepting it. But this is their brother!

Knowing SD, this b-day party will be a big deal, with relatives from BM's side, too. I will be home alone while the REST of the FAMILY gets together. Today I asked DH, what are you going to say when BM"s family asks, "Where's your wife?" It is so humiliating.

Maybe I am making a mountain out of a molehill but forecast is for "tears with gusts of anger." And poor DH, I don't want to drive him crazy with my ranting about his mean, crazy family. So here I am, venting to you lovely ladies.

Comments

chaoticsteplife's picture

Submitted by chaoticsteplife on Wed, 09/30/2009 - 7:43am

LizzieA
I am so sad to hear your story...that really sucks and i bet it makes you feel very isolated.
Well, you know you can always come to us and break that isolation.
That day that you will be alone while family is gone; why don't you do treat yourself to something nice, get a massage or whatever you like that makes you feel good and special.
Try and make that day a positive one for you personnaly...i'm sure you work hard and deserve to take some time for yourself.
Hugs and hugs and hugs
Chaotic

RustyHalo's picture

Submitted by RustyHalo on Wed, 09/30/2009 - 7:50am

Personally, I think your husband should refuse to go unless you're invited to go too. I'm sure you would do the same if the situation was reversed. Sometimes, finances keep people from doing things they would like to do, but that's life. People should understand that. Especially family. If your husband goes without you, it will just reinforce the way his SILs treat you.

Just my opinion.

**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**

Kb3Hooah's picture

Submitted by Kb3Hooah on Wed, 09/30/2009 - 7:54am

ITA to everything Fifth said!!

__________________________________________________________________________
“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”

lostinwisc's picture

Submitted by lostinwisc on Wed, 09/30/2009 - 8:07am

Oh my! I would be very hurt by this! If that woman has a quite comfortable income and makes it a habit of paying for other people to do things, and insists that your DH go somewhere, she should most definitely have included you! That is disrespectful of your marriage. That would kill me. I would demand that DH stand up for me and don't go unless I am included.

LizzieA's picture

Submitted by LizzieA on Wed, 09/30/2009 - 9:22am

Thanks, everyone for your kind support! It really helps.

I have let DH know how I feel (at length LOL) and we'll see what happens. Gosh, you'd think I was a crack w**** the way they treat me, instead of a successful, talented, NICE woman who loves their bro! It's not like his was the first divorce in the family, either.

Roselin's picture

Submitted by Roselin on Wed, 09/30/2009 - 10:39am

I am going through something similar but with the local family. SD18 felt uncomfortable having me around - this after not having anything to do with her family for a year while living with BM (who moved to our town) after we busted her for drugs/alcohol/sex... This was the first time BM had her full-time since age 8. So the family decides it is okay to exclude me - even DH (drop the D after that episode). It is so amazingly painful, but I learned what a fragile connection there is between the bio family and the step. My reaction, after tears and a lot of swearing, has been to refocus on my life and my friends and to re-establish relationships with people who are there for me. I have neglected those relationships for too long thinking my magical new family would be there for me. The problem for me is that it has definitely weakened my connection with my husband. SD in a couple states away now at college (I had my own little private party with myself when she left) and things haven't really gotten better. Take care of yourself because you are the only one who will.

stepoff's picture

Submitted by stepoff on Wed, 09/30/2009 - 2:03pm

Question: how far away is the party? Is there any way you could get a bus ticket or drive there and "surprise" the guest of honor? Wow! That would be something - to see the looks on their faces. I wouldn't even tell DH - make it a family surprise!

LizzieA's picture

Submitted by LizzieA on Wed, 09/30/2009 - 7:26pm

Oh, he knows it's not OK--he's angry with them but when push came to shove and his kids were getting excited about him coming, he couldn't say no. It was handled very poorly, like his arm was twisted and they used emotional blackmail on him. It should never have been discussed between his daughter and sister, the sister should have come to him first with the offer and then let him decide if and when he would visit. But they are very intrusive and that is the problem we had when we lived there. They were trying to run his life and didn't like that he stepped out of the "daddy do everything for everybody" role. (his father died years ago and DH kind of took the reins, mainly dealing with his mother but he helped his sisters all the time).

I had him tell his mother (gossip central) that he wasn't going to go since we couldn't afford for me to but I INSISTED that he go. That way we're in the driver's seat not them. MIL loves me but she seems oblivious of the fact that this was a major insult to both DH and I.

I hope it's fruitful for him with his son especially but it never better happen again.