Know your roll! You are not the mom....Sounds ugly but it is a fact!
When my ss10 now 11 called me mom, I corrected her. Sweetie I love you and I am so glad that you feel so loved by be that you want to call me mom. But you have a mom who loves you. You can call me......I gave her a few choices. She came up with her own which is very cute.

I have a daughter who is grown now but I can tell you she would never call anyone else mom. She knows who her mom is but small children get confused, and love freely. Even when I fostered I would not let the children call me mom. These children are not yours, they have mothers. Love will make you a wonder SM. They are blessed to have you.

The job of a stepmom is exactly what you said, Yes you are to take care of them WITHOUT rights. You are not their birth parent. I know it sounds harsh and hard. But it is a fact. You need to get this fact right away. If not, you can ask any SM on this site what you are headed for is called pain and heart ache.

I guess I see it from both sides cause my bm still gets hurts when my 20 yr old bs calls our sm mom. My skids have never called me mom but they were older when they came to me(5 and 7) so they knew they had a bm out there. I think it would make a tremendouse difference if they were as youngs as your skids are. How do you explain to a child so young? All they know at that age is the love you show them.As far as the dr appts and such-that is all me. I deal with all medical and school related issues.I have the insurance cards and we pay for the insurance. Bm is not allowed to take them to Dr's or pick them up from school without our permission. Do you think that makes me too involved? If you don't then why would you let anyone make you feel like that? I do call my skids my kids because I want them to know I love them as much as my bd. But everyone knows they are my skids. I am still adjusting to my skids referring to me as thier stepmom and not just by my first name.(I have only been married to thier father for a few months) For some reason this meant alot to me.
I think you are doing a great job and can tell you love them very much and that you are really trying to do what is right by them. Keep up the great work and good luck!

Hmmm, well the good thing is that both of the kids are still young, so whether they call you mommy or not can still be changed.

I honestly think that your worry about the kids feeling that they are not as loved by you because they can't call you mommy is unfounded. I also think that you're still in the mode of thinking that step kids and bio kids are the same, and perhaps that is why the BM feels threatened. I think the letter about being "too involved" is pretty ridiculous though. You mention being a social worker and seeing some of the horrible differences between treatment of steps versus bios--and how you don't want that in your own home. That's completely understandable. However, remember that the family situations you confront are probably the worst examples of step/bio relationships, and just because theses terrible examples make you want to swing all the way to the other side of the pendulum where bios and steps are equal, that may not be right either.

It's really you and your SO's decision as to whether you want to stop this behavior now, or let it continue. You're lucky though, because you did enter into the kids' lives while they were still so young they really will look to you more than they would if you came into their lives when they were older. They also have no memory of their parents together, so that's in your favor as well. You have a lot of things going for you there. With all that, though, I can understand how having them NOT call you mom might throw them off. Still, they won't be young forever. Think long-term. I personally wouldn't allow the kids to call me mom. It's sweet really, but I think it will cause confusion and problems with their BM when they get older. I recommend that you and your SO stop the behavior; it might be easier for you guys to let it go right now, but it can certainly be a cause for issues in the future. I know you love them and they love you, but that doesn't mean that they need to call you mom.

No you are not wrong for allowing the Skids to call you "mom". You are their "mom" they are YOUR kids. No prefix need apply (Step).

I am "dad" to my SS-18 and have been since he was 1yo. I was the first person he ever called "dad" and am the only full time dad he has ever had. The other guy (BioDad, SpermIdiot, etc....) has at most been an intermittent presence in his life and a video game buddy.

He chose to call me Dad(dy). Neither my wife nor I ever forced that on him. However, when he was ~9yo he came home from summer SpermClan visitation with "(SpermGrandMa) says you are not my REAL dad and I can't call you dad because you are only my StepDad. What's a StepDad, Dad?"

He and I had a long talk at that point. I told him;

"A BioDad is the guy who made you with your mom but a StepDad is the dad married to your mom who goes to work everyday to provide a nice safe place for us to live, safe transportation, good food, good schools, teaches you to read, write, use the toilet, ride your bike, coaches your little league team, umpires for your league, coaches your swim team and soccer team and who loves you and your mom very much. I have been "dad" for 8yrs if that is no longer good enough you can call me Mr. (LastName)."

He thought it over for a few seconds and said "a StepDad sounds like a real dad to me, Dad. I will stick with calling you Dad if that is Okay."

Fine with me Kid-Oh.

As for your rights and appropriate levels of involvement in your Skid's lives, you have every right, privilege, etc... you choose to take and can be as involved as you choose to be.

As Sparents, officially we are accountable for the Skids well being when they are with us but we have no "official" rights. Our attorney told me to be my Skids "dad" and do everything I think that should entail until someone in a robe and a gavel tells me I can't. That is what I have done regardless of what the SpermIdiot, SpermGrandMa and the rest of the SpermClan had to say about it. I have been to nearly every Parent Teacher conference, Doc appointment, signed flu and other vaccination authorizations, gotten his passport, learners permit, enrolled him in school, checked him in for visitation flights, picked him up at the airport and signed him out from the airlines, and anything else I chose to do as his dad.

No one with a robe carrying a gavel or anyone else either with authority or without has ever told me I could not be his "DAD" or said I could not do the things I have done.

So, IMHO you can be and are your Skids mom. Their dad has decided he wants you to help raise them and they have already decided that you are "mom" and they are the ones who count.

Sure BM may be infuriated by this, but in the relative scheme of things ... WHO GIVES A SHIT what the blended family opposition wants especially when it is so obvious that she has no true interest in being reasonable and has gotten her attorney involved because you are too involved.

What kind of pathetic, insecure, manipulative crap is that?

Just my thoughts of course.

Honestly, I do think this is BMs being too emotional about their roles. Would I love it if my DH was remarried and my kids called his wife mom? Maybe not so much. BUT, I know who I am to them and I would like to think I would be glad they care about this woman so much and she must care about them. Why else would they want to call her mom?

My parents have been my daycare for BD4 since she was 6 weeks old. BD4 got in the habit of calling my mother "mom." I didn't love it, but I let it go. Recently, BD4 started calling my father "dad." She knows they're not her actual mom and dad, but she loves them that way and this is her way of expressing it. So I let it go, but I do occasionally correct her just to "remind" her. My parents don't get offended, and the stepmom shouldn't either, in my opinion.

This is one of my biggest pet peeves. I want to say to these BMs, "Would you rather me HATE your kids than LOVE them?" I understand being sensitive about these issues and having someone else called "Mommy" but there's a point where you have to step back and look at the big picture. Is it really HURTING your kids that they have someone in their lives that they love so much, enough to ALSO call her a "MOM"? GRRR This makes me mad.

BM started in with that crap when I first moved in with DF. She didn't want me to go to certain events and things for the skids. But my fiance stopped her dead in her tracks and used similar language to my above question, and it at least shut her up, if not changed her mind. He said, "Would you really rather me be with someone who doesn't care to go?" and he also added that he hopes when she finds someone it is someone that WANTS to be involved with her children in a fatherly way. She was basically in shock and hasn't said a word since.

I agree with Rags. My SKs call me Mom. We have 2 BM's here as well.

SS15 was 4 when I started dating DH and 6 when we married. Shortly after we were married SS started to call me Mom. We never stopped him or anything because he was old enough to put it together, & he called his SF Dad. At his BM's house he referred to us as 'Father & Nette', but when he is here it's ALWAYS Dad & Mom, even now that he lives with us full-time.

As his Full-time mother figure in the home, I take him to and sign everything that his parent would: Dr, School, Sports, Anything. There have been a few papers that I say, 'your Dad needs to sign these' and had no problems there.

SD12 was 4 1/2 when we met her and we were 1)already married 2)SS was calling me Mom 3) had a BS of our own together and I AM BS's Mom. Why wouldn't she call me Mom? I answered her because we never really thought about it. Well, since there is no CO, BM2 refused to let us see her for a while and when we did get to, we had to 'promise' that we would NOT encourage SD to call me Mom. It didn't last long, and BM2 would refuse visitation for little things to hurt us, but we always get to see her again. It's just how her life is.

Time has moved forward and SK's are older, in fact, SD has called me Mom in front her BM more than once, and there have been no words said. I think BM2 realized that it was OK for me to be the Mother Figure in our home. It took a few years and lots of communication between BM2 and I, but now she hardly ever has to talk to DH because she and I take care of things (WAY better this way for us).

I call both SKs my kids. There are times when I have to be careful with my wording so people understand because it can get confusing when we have SS15 and tell people we have SD12 and we have BS7. Sometimes it's easier if I just tell people that I have 1 boy, 1 girl, and 1 son. They still get confused thinking that SS & SD share a BM. Oh well.

Don't give up on your kids because society thinks you 'shouldn't' be their Mom! Love them and accept them and they will do the same for you!!!

Nope...been a step mom for 15 years...never have they called me mom. I was not comfortable with it for one, and for another...I am NOT their mom...they have a mom.

I would not expect my kids friends to call me mom when they were over playing or spending the night at my house...so I never expected my skids to call me mom.

The skids were told to call their StepDad, "dad" however...and it hurt my DH because they were also told to call their Dad, by his first name.

I also would not expect my oldest son to have ever called his stepmom, "mom". It would have hurt. I am his mother, not his step mom. I don't give a crap what she does for him in her home while he is there. It does not change the fact that she is not his mom. But, luckily we never had to deal with that either
Does that help? lol

My live in SD7 has tried a number of times to slip calling me "mom" into our conversations and gets VERY offended if she hears me tell anyone that I am step parent and not bio parent (discussing with teachers, doctors, etc). I have always steered her back to my first name but because her BM is not involved with them aside from random phone calls, she wants to call someone mom.

My solution MEEMOE...that way, she's not calling me "mom" but rather another name that she can use to show my relationship to her. My live in SS8 calls me by my first name & that's just fine.

My bios have always called me "Mama Norma Jean" so it didn't surprise anyone that my skids all followed suit and call me "Mama NJ". In referencing me to their friends or their BM's they just call me "Mom". I never asked them to or gave them permission. They have always just called me whatever was comfortable for them, and that's what's important to me.

I don't really care what the BMs think or how they feel. Their selfishness is boundless and they never hesitate to put themselves before these kids, so when that comes full circle, I guess I'm not real sympathetic.

I just don't think it is right that they call you mom. You did not give birth to these kids. THey have moms and this is overstepping. I agree with the others who told you that you need to learn that now, or it is going to be really ugly for you going forward. You have many years ahead of you of dealing with BM's why antoagonize them this way?

well, ok let me say I am usually a proponent of calling someone whatever you like (as long as its not a curse word) however, these kids are little. They will call you whatever you teach them to call you. It is obviously an issue with the bm's in your case who sound as if they are involved in their childrens life (not absentee parents)-if it is an issue for them-they will likely make it an issue for your skids which you dont want, I assume.
I met my ss when he was 1, and also being a social worker, just wanted to treat my ss like I treated my own kids who were 2, and 9 months old. In our case my ss heard my children call me mom, so I was just mom. My dh was custodial so ss was with us almost all of the time. I just want to let you know it turned out horribly for me. SS does not want me as his "mom"-he wants his bm to be his mom-which although she is never going to win any mom of the year award-she has always been involved in his life. I was "too involved" as I treated ss like my own. He wanted his bm to be doing these sorts of things,not me. He grew to resent me and now will not even really speak to me unless dh forces him to-however, when he was your skids ages we were very close. Nothing major happened that turned him around-he just grew up and realized who his REAL mom was and rejected me (with some pressure from her I am sure because she did feel so threatened by my involvment).
Looking back, I really wish I would have set some boundaries. I could still be a kind, loving influence on my ss but I could have taught him to call me by my name or some sort of nickname-I could have made sure to introduce him as my STEPson (there's no shame in that, it is not a rejection), I could have been more pro BM-there's lots of things I could have done differently that might have might a difference. Or not. But for what it is worth I do think it is a mistake to take on being a MOM to two children that are already have active ones in their lives.

Yes I agree a nonexistant or even horribly crappy bm would change the game here-I didnt hear the op mention that either bm was horrible. If it makes the bio parent feel uncomfortable and that bio parent may then put pressure on the child then why would you as a sm want to encourage them calling you something she is so against? It just is going to generate negativity. And I dont think kids of 2 and 4 are thinking through their choice of calling this woman mom-at this age they call lots of people mom-if they see a female figure they often will call her mom-it is not necessarily indicitive of a close relationship. The difference is that most others-teachers, day care providers, aunts, etc will correct the child and tell them what is more appropriate for them to be called. Stepparents often don't. Or if they correct the child once and then the child calls them mom again they take that to mean that the child just prefers to call them mom. Reality, is they probably just forgot and you as the stepparent need to continue to correct them.
If these bm's were comfortable with the skids calling her mom then that would be fine-but it is only going to create issues if this smom doesnt put a stop to it and why go looking for trouble?