Just today I had a bit of a heated debate with my SD14 and afterwards I thought - ya know what - I deserve an oscar for my performance just now. I have feelings for her, I know I do, but nothing like what I would feel if she were my own. We have 50/50 custody and selfishly I'd love it if they only visited once a month. Both my skids have ADHD, I have no biokids and my husband doesn't want any more and I suppose neither do I (with him) because honestly I couldn't cope with them and a baby. They demand our attention 24/7 when they are here and I kinda resent it. I'm patiently trying to get them to a place where we can all live together without needless frustrations, everyday frustrations are fine but picking holes in the walls, talking to me and their dad like we're dirt under their shoes (DH smiles through it and says "they're just tired" ahhhhhhhh, pooping one's pants at age 14 and leaving said soiled underwear for me to pick up after they've left for BM's, that kinda stuff. I hate not having full control with my DH. Having to always hold a little something back is hard for me. I'm an all or nothing kinda person so............... I understand where you're coming from. I have to just tell myself that continuing to work on my relationship with my DH and skids is all I can do and hope that we all find a common ground eventually.

Wonderful honesty here. You know what - we're human and we have a right to our feelings. I am sooo tired of my DH telling me that my SD just wants a close relationship with me along with my approval and love. When I know that she has been competing with me since she's been about 15-16 - she's now 24. I got tired of giving and giving and not getting so I gave up. I think that it is okay to say that I care for my SD and I worry about her but I don't love like she's my own. She's not my child, she has 2 parents both who love her (and enable her) a lot. I hope that one day we can have a close relationship (we had one when she was younger) but SD will have to grow up and understand that you get what you give in a relationship.
Glynne

I think that it totally depends, I have 2 nephews and a niece that I absolutely love, unconditional maybe not the same as my own but truly love them....my SD...i have no feelings except frustratation and embarassment by her behavior. I came to realize that we will never love each other, but I do love her father so I tolerate her. We are sooooo different. I guess it depends on the children...

I used to beat myself up about not feeling a 'certain' way about my stepson too. Especially after I had my own child. I have been a permenant fixture in my ss life since he was 1 years old, and he is now going on 7. For the longest time I would compare the feelings of each child to eachother. Until I realized OF COURSE the were different. But different doesn't have to be better or worse than the other. I have a great relationship with my ss and I would do anything for him but I never did develop the 'same' love for him as my own children. But I do love him in my own way. I see it as a very special way. He gets the mothers love from his own mom and I give him a little extra only a stepmom can give too

I feel the same way. No matter how long the skids have lived with me, no matter how much I try, I just can't seem to 'feel' the same about them as i do my own! I care for them, worry about them, and I know I love them, but the feeling is NOTHING like the love I have for my kids.

My hubby sets an example in our home that I just can't live up to. I don't know what is in his heart deep down, but you could never tell a difference in the way he treats or interacts with any of the kids. When people asks about his family, he never hesitates...he says "I have 6 beautiful daughters" and proceeds to whip out the family portrait. He doesn't just introduce the kids by name, he tells people this one is a great artist, this one has a great wit and sense of humor, this one is so caring, etc...and the kids just light up when he enters the room..every one of them. How does he do it? I keep asking him, and he just answers that the moment he said "I Do" to me, he said "I Do" to six little girls. I watch him very closely for just a hint of difference, just so I don't feel so darn bad about my own lack of feelings. But I just see a dad with his daughters. And then I feel even worse.

When I met him, he had his four daughters names tattooed as bracelets on his wrists. He loves his tattoos, but has always been very clear that wives and girlfriends names do NOT belong. 2 weeks ago, he added another bracelet with my 2 daughters names. I couldn't believe it! He's basically saying "There's no guarantee for our marriage, but these girls are part of my heart forever" I'm not saying we have a rocky marriage, we have a great relationship, and I don't see anything changing in the future, but the depth of his acceptance, the way he truly has taken the step-child dynamic entirely out of his relationship with my kids...it just amazes me. And makes me very very sad that I can't do the same.

renee - *blend