Not sure where we are headed
FDH & I have barely talked over the last week and have not seen each other. The first real conversation we had was today and it didn't go well. He said that he understood why I am completely disengaged from his son, but he doesn't agree with it. Background is his son is very disrespectful and I don't think the kid cares about anyone or anything except himself. He has never been punished or had any type of consequence from either FDH OR his BM. Instead if he acts up BM usually runs out and buys him something. If he wants something he will continue to nag and harrass until he gets it.... example he wanted a new car and BM bought him one.
Anyway, FDH said to me today when we talked that he read an article I had sent him about disengaging and that although alot of it made sense, he was NOT going to punish his kids. He agreed that yes they needed to be more respectful to me, but that he would not punish them. He continued by saying that I needed to change my attitude towards them and to try harder. I interrupted him and told him that no, I would NOT change my attitude towards them until they showed some effort. Once they did, I would start to reengage, but until then, no way. He said that changes wouldn't happen overnight and that they wouldn't happen the way that I would like them to happen and that he didn't think it would be enough. I said as long as I see effort and consistency and him putting US first instead of his son, then yes, although it will be slow, it would show be that he really cared and wanted this to work. I told him that all I was asking for was for him to step up and be an adult and stop treating his son like an equal and like his son is his fiance and I'm the child.
A few minutes later in the call after going around and around about the same things, he said that he needed to think and that he didn't know and that obviously I wasn't going to budge and that I obviously had been thinking. I said, I have been thinking and I've also been telling him for the past 2 years that something had to change. That he needed to try and fix this instead of sweeping it under the rug all of the time. HE needed to be a parent instead of a friend. I also brought up that anytime I asked him to go away up north for a weekend, that he always said well my son will be mad, so we have to take him and when we planned to go to Florida over Easter this year (just him and I) he invited his daughter to go. In the 5 years we have been togther, we have only gone away 1 time by ourselves without his kids. Needless to say we ended the conversation with we needed to take some time apart and think about what we want and where we are headed. Part of me wants to cry and part of feels relieved. I really don't know how I'm feeling right now. I guess I feel extremely numb.
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Really? He is NOT going to
Really? He is NOT going to punish his kids? Does he mean like EVER? What the hell is wrong with some of these idiotic men? Do they not understand that discipline is part of parenting? Do they not understand that they are lousy, crappy horrible parents and that they are hurting their children by being too idiotic to do their job?
So ss can be rude and disrespect you and your dh will not do anything about it? Can you be rude and disrespectful to ss? His whole, "you need to try harder and change your attitude" is so classic. Your dh is a first class lousy parent and you are bringing that to his attention. He doesnt like that so he is turning it around and telling YOU you need to try harder. He son is evidently a rude little shit and HE is responsible for that. He needs to remove his head from his arse and be a parent. My guess is that he has already ruined his kid, but if he doesnt change he absolutely deserves to lose you as well. If his kid is driving, his time in the home is limited. The kid is going to move on and live his life and your dh is going to be sitting at home alone.
He has never punished his
He has never punished his kids. The most he does is yell at them. If he says no to them, they continue to nag until he says yes. And there have even been times that he said no and they walk out of the house and do it anyway. No consequence later either. His son will be 18 next week and he seems to think that he is going to move in full time with him. I already know that if that happens, there is no way I will move in until that kid is GONE. To answer your question can I be rude to his ss...... nope, if I don't sit there and tell him how great and wonderful he is and how he is so much better than everyone else, he complains to his dad that I am mean or I don't talk to him. this kid has such a high opinion of himself and it is partly FDH's & BM's fault. They don't do anything when he does something wrong and use the excuse that he is a 4.0 student and they know what they did as kids so they aren't going to punish him. My comment to that when FDH says that..... Really? I'd rather have an average student who is respectful, caring, kind and isn't so selfish and self-centered. Although he is driving, if I am over there he sticks around until after I leave. I will not stay over there when he has his kids and they are also the reason I don't live there.
Does he really think there is
Does he really think there is anyway to justify a parent NEVER disciplining a child? Doesnt he realize how ignorant he sounds? And, yes, I agree with you I'd rather have a child with good morals, values, and one who cares about others who makes all c's, then an asshole who makes a's.
Truthfully, I would treat the little shit however he treats you. Sit there and try and make him say you are awesome and then whine when he doesn't. If your dh says anything about it-I'd just play dumb and say, "oh, it' ok this is how your son acts all the time and you have no complaints so I thought it would make you happy if I acted the same way!" or you could tell him, "It's ok dear, I made a 4.0 when I was in school so I can treat others however I like".
Wow, this really makes me mad. I'm not sure why-maybe just the boldness of it all. My own dh has not given my ss the consequences he's needed but he has certainly given him some over the years AND he is able to admit that he should have given more and that he knows his son needs discipline and that he's messed up. In fact he has willingly agreed to visit ss out of our home now since ss refuses to change his disrespectful attitude toward me and my/our other kids. It's just hard for me to wrap my mind around any parent who thinks a child doesnt need discipline at all. Will he go to counseling with you so a counselor can tell him how stupid he is?
He says that he is not going
He says that he is not going to discipline his kids, that grounding them or taking something away isn't how he wants to be. Instead he sits there and yells and they yell back and they STILL end up getting to do what they want with no consequence. He is a very lazy parent. Treating his son the way he treats me, is what I started to do, that is partly the reason this has all happened. But FDH says that I'm wrong for doing that. LOL..... really? It just causes more excuses, well the way you treat him is causing him to be like this.
As for counseling, no, I've asked. I told him that we could go talk to the pastor or get a counselor. I told him that before we either lived together or got married we NEEDED to go to counseling. The only thing I can hope for, and I know how horrible this is going to sound, is that either something happens to really open his eyes about his son OR his son flunks out of college next year. Then, he might see how he is. I know that my son and daughter do not like his son at all. Whenever my son (who is almost 20) is around us, his son keeps his mouth shut and doesn't start anything.
I think it is funny that DH
I think it is funny that DH says that "changes can't be made overnight" when he is referring to the way that SS treats you, yet you have to change how you act towards SS overnight-the classic double standard.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this crap. I agree, see if he will go to counseling. They will tell him what an idiot he is and how he isn't doing his children any favors.
And the kid is almost 18 and he has to go on vacations with y'all? Ridiculous. When I was 18, I didn't WANT to go on vacation with my parents. I would much rather be on vacation with my friends-like the rest of the normal teenage world.
If he didn't go with us, that
If he didn't go with us, that would mean that me & FDH might actually have fun together and spend some alone time together. We might actually talk and make decisions and his son wouldn't be a part of it. He wouldn't be able to manipulate everything and make himself look so perfect. Plus, FDH might actually open his eyes and see that there is life without the kids.
At this point, yes I agree he
At this point, yes I agree he has gone back down to boyfriend status. (if even that high). Do we have a wedding date or anything set, no, mainly because of his son and how he allows him to treat me and others. I don't know if I will stay with him or not at this point. He is a guilty/lazy parent and just wants to be their friend. He is terrified that if he parents them, they will go and live with their mom.