Help and advice would be appreciated
Hello - please be kind i am new here. I have read posts and i am so relieved that i am not the nasty person i thought i was, and my feelings are quite 'normal'.
My History: I have been in a relationship with my partner for over 10 years - my partner and i went out together when we were 18 & 21 respectively for 2 years -this relationship broke down because i had a daughter (yes a very young mum!!!!) he couldn't cope with this and was very honest with me which i respected.
We met again over 10 years ago, we had both been married and divorced me for 10 years and him for 2 years. We got together again but we both had kids so we decided not to rush things and take things slowly. We haven't lived together as we agreed the children came first and needed stability in their lives due to his very unhealthy divorce - mine wasn't pleasant either but my daughter and i survived and have a great relationship. We both agreed to wait until his children were older.
I have a daughter who is 28 years old and my partner has 2 children a 19 year son and 16 year daughter. His 16 year old daughter has not been very happy with our relationship for the whole 10 years really she didnt speak to me for the first 4 years - this was OK i wasn't going to push her. His children live with mother and he is a very hands on dad i.e. When we first got together every Tuesday & Thursday evening he sat in old family home with children & ex wife / Friday night throught to Sat afternoon they stayed at his house and he had them all day Sunday - i felt it was so important for him to have time with his kids on his own to show them i wouldnt interfear - gradually they got used to me and our relationship and it has gone along quite smoothly.
Please note i only started staying over at partners last couple of years at his request so his daughter wouldnt be upset.
There is sibling rivalery with his two - daughter is extremely jealous of her brother and brother is clearly mums favourite. 19 year son went to university last year (for 3 years) - which is great. Daughter done her GCSE's and did well and appeared settled
We decided in April 2012 it was time for us - we put my house on market / were going to spend some cash on his (batchlor pad!!) sell hsi and combine monies and buy a home together - we discussed with all 3 children - well young adults. My daughter & his 19 year son OK and happy - 16 year said she was OK with it too.
My house went up for sale in May (excited was not the word for me) - then BOOM !!!!! his daughter (16 years old) & ex wife went mad - I have to tell you he is a walking wallet but thats not business as i have a good job and i am self suffient.
Ex wife and daughter fall out constantly both about my house being for sale but for different reasons- 16 year started texting dad and begging him to let him live with him then ex wife threw her following another of their fall outs. My partner did not tell me about this i just arrived at his and she had moved 
This 16 year old has regressed totally with her dad, whinny, childish voice, can't stand me visiting hi home, slams about when i am there, wont talk to me or her dad, attention seeking behaviour i.e. crying to him all the time because she is unhappy, refusing to eat - lost weight, fad diets, worrying my partner sick (she has had blood tests and been checked not ill thank goodness).
Well as you might have gathered my house has now been taken off the market - the rug has been pulled from under my feet - so that 16 year is not upset !!!! Our plans are now back on hold. This could be a good thing as partners home has been his and his childrens home for 12 years and there is no room form me and his daughter - I cant do it i'm afraid to say.
Partner is still a walking wallet to his daughter - all i hear is click click of internet shopping sites and 'please daddy' and he crumbles and buys, buys, buys. Partner also has 'Guilty Father Syndrome' and his own abandoment issues from his dad leaving when he was small.
I now have to see 16 yr old daughter laying on him, him stroking and kissing her head, her snuggling sitting so close to him, sits next to him if i move to go to the loo, she links arms with him when we go anywhere, she won't speak to me, she interupts us if we talk about herself and her day, se insisted on coming to my house in the evening when partner came to see me - WTH is that about and of course because she wanted to come daddy couldnt say NO!!!! she has to come everywhere with us i.e. walks, shopping, meals out etc - she generally makes me feel uncomfortable in her presence and is rude, partner will not reprimand her - oh do i sound bitter ???
Last saturday night she slammed up to bed at 10.00pm after coming in from work she didnt speak to me i did say hello- Oh yes her job - daddy has to take her at 6.00pm and pick her up when she finishes washing up in a pub she texts him pick me up now please it could be 9.00pm or 10.00pm we never know this is every Friday / Saturday & Sunday night - so this stops us going anywhere or doing anything for the day together.
We were talking down stairs last week, when a whinny baby voice said 'dad please stop talking' he responded 'yes love' i was flabbergasted !!!
SD (of sorts as we arent married (not allowed!! or living together) wouldn't speak to me for first 4 years of our relationship either, I persevered with her and thought we were OK.
Ex wife is now being very obstructive and informs partner it's her life and she wont make plans / set routine for HER daughter to visit her t weekends. We had to obey by her weekend rules for 10 years - she had to go out every Friday night and have Sundays to herself becuase she works 2.5 days a weeek and needed time on her own.
Partner wont push it.
Daughter has major temper tantrums which my partner calls 'red mists' he is terrified of her. Partner won't discuss counselling for her as he doesn't want to lable her !!! Their daughter is a product of divorce is very very angry with her parents and has been for along time (very sad really) they wont talk to each other or discuss concerns about her mental health or her wellbeing.
His daughter has now taken over the home, she and her dad, cook together, bake together, shop together but she wont make her bed, tidy her room, move her pots, or open her curtains and leave her dirty underwear on the floor for her dad to pick up and wash.
I am at a loss what to do. My partner can't or won't talk or open up to me, he just walks out of my home if i try to have a conversation with him about my concerns and ignores me for days. He tells me his daughters plans at weekend at last minute by by text and i feel he expects me to be waiting on side line.
I need help and advice desperately pleaseand how to address things carefully. His daughter is determined we will not be together and i feel he wont back me up and discuss anything with me as he says 'he is getting it from everyone'!!!!! I do know he is and has been terrified of loosing his children. HELP PLEASE
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So very sorry my rant is so
So very sorry my rant is so long - i had to vent as i feel so powerless - than you if you take time to read this essay
x
I got a bit confused with the
I got a bit confused with the sequence of events - am I right in thinking that you dated your current partner for 2 years when you had a young child, broke up, was married to someone else for 10 years and had another child, then divorced and met your partner again? And that you have now been together for 10 years, but never lived together because you didn't want to rock the boat with your respective children? I think there is a lot to be said for your decision to have a relationship but maintain separate households. How many of us have yearned for our own bolthole when the strain of spending time with someone elses children gets too much! But how depressing to have waited for so long in order to live together, only to find that his youngest child STILL won't accept it.
Unfortunately it sounds like your patience in waiting to put your relationship first has left both your SO and his daughter with an ingrained assumption that their relationship takes priority. Obviously you both hoped that your consideration would be seen and apppreciated by everyone involved, and encourage them to respect you and accept your relationship, but that seems to have backfired.
Like most divorced Dads he is probably so insecure about his relationship with his daughter that he feels unable to 'reject' her in anyway, whether by prioritising time with you, or even by cuddling up to you on the sofa instead of her. If he still feels that way after 10 years it's unlikely to change unless something dramatic happens to make him step back and rethink his life. Right now it probably feels like a victory and vindication of his role that his daughter has chosen to live with him. For that reason he probably doesn't want to accept that her motives in moving in with him aren't all down to their close relationship, but stem from less ego flattering motives like her jealousy and desire to come first.
Your husbands behaviour suggests that he cannot see the wood for the trees in terms of the relationships in his life. He has forgotten that children are only on loan and will eventually fly the nest, and that unless he puts more effort into his relationship with you he is in danger of ending up alone. It sounds like even raising the subject now gets his back up. It's probably impossible to make progress by trying to discuss it, so if I were you I'd try a less direct approach and write to him, either via email or post. That allows you to think carefully about what you say in order to maximise chances of getting your point past his defenses.
Then you need to think about what you want to achieve. Can you accept another 2-3 years living apart? If he was able to prioritise some more quality time with you would that be enough? Or are you at the end of your tether and want him to commit to living together now? Could you live with his daughter? Are you ready to issue a quiet sincere ultimatum or can you see yourself carrying on as you are? I would probably go for one of 2 strategies:
1. Tell him you need some time and space to think about what you want, and then stop contact for a few weeks. This may take the wind out of his sales so that he is diverted from going on the defensive to actually thinking about what it would mean to lose you.
2. Push for couples counselling, and if he won't consider it revert to option 1.
You could position counselling as a way of getting advice and support for you both and addressing the issues between the two of you and his daughter. I would remind him that you've both waited 10 years to put your relationship first, and that you have always been supportive of his relationship with his children, but that your relationship has to have some priority too. If he doesn't feel able to dedicate more time to you because his daughters needs come first, then you both need to consider whether it's right to continue with the relationship. By which I mean issue a quiet meaningful warning that he might not like the consequences if he continues to keep your relationship in second place.
Awesome advice!
Awesome advice!
Totally agree not again2012
Totally agree not again2012
Hello Bojangles - WOW thank
Hello Bojangles - WOW thank you so much for your reply I think you are my hero !!
Sorry I confused you and apologies my blog was all over the place and my spelling was dire, I was quite ‘hett’ up yesterday as my partner once again walked out on me on Saturday lunchtime and I hadn’t heard from him all weekend or today as I write this - so I am unclear as whether he is still my partner or not - childish games we are 45 & 48 respectively!!!!
Just to clear things up for you - yes you are nearly correct - I had a daughter when I was 17 yrs. old (Oops) I then met my current partner – he is not my daughter’s dad. I was 18 he was 21. We were together for nearly 3 years - he really struggled with the fact I had a daughter and we were very young. So we broke up. I then married when I was 22 (far too young) and he married his current ex-wife who incidentally actually made my life a misery when I was with him at 18 following us and asking him out - I actually had a bet with him for £20.00 that he would marry her !!! Alas he did.
I met my partner for the 2nd time one night in a pub (I hadn’t seen him for 19 years) about 2 years after he split up and divorced his wife. I had been divorced and single for 9 years I was not party to the divorce, but I do think his daughter 'blames' me for her parents not getting back together over the years - which is understandable I think for a 5 years old.
The reason he walked out on Saturday was because I saw him on the Wednesday night at his house it was hell!! His daughter was laid on suite when I got there, she was wearing her dads clothes wrapped in blanket – his fire and heating on (phew boiling). There was nowhere for me and dad to sit – her dad asked her to get up / move up she ignored him – her dad said nothing. Her dad then turned his fire off, she threw paddy, her dad then changed TV station she threw a paddy (she was reading a school book and not watching TV, his daughter then threw her book and stomped off to bed – great night !!
Partner was very flustered – I asked if it was because I had gone round – he shrugged his shoulders, I said maybe it would be better if he came to mine during week he agreed. When I was leaving I asked what our plans were for weekend and was daughter going to her mums – he shrugged and said he didn’t know. I asked him to let me know before weekend with preferably a bit of notice he said he would. I waited until 10.00pm Friday night not heard from him – so I texted him and asked what were the plans for weekend – his text response was I will come at 1.00pm Saturday and nothing else.
1.30pm Saturday he arrived (I was upset) I asked when he was going to let me know our plans for weekend, he said ‘I would have rung you Saturday’, I then asked when had he found out what daughters plans were, he sighed and rolled his eyes and said ‘why is letting you know Saturday not good enough’ – he threw my paper down and stood up and said ‘ I am sick of this shit I and getting it from everywhere ‘ and he walked out !!!!! Not seen or heard from him since.
I think you are right our plans have 'back fired' and maybe subconsciously & my gut feeling of her anger towards everyone was the reason I kept my house as a 'bolt' hole. I was aware his daughter was very angry even back then when she was 4 or 5 years old. Not necessarily at me but at her parents, the world, her life!
I have always felt and everyone else has too, that I was walking on egg shells with her and I know the ex-wife was furious we got back together after 20 years and has been and is very vocal about me, she has made numerous verbal threats to my partner that she was going ‘to come and sort me out. I have not actually spoke or seen her during my 10 year relationship with him.
Ex-wife initially banned me from seeing the children and she actually went to my partners mum’s house and demanded I did not step foot in her house when her children were there - thankfully she was told this would not happen and I was always welcome in my partners mum's home as much as she was.
This started lots of threats and foot stamping and arguments with my partner and his ex-wife and has gone on and on for years. Ex-wife doesn’t like me / didn’t like her ex-husband being with me either and has demanded he does not discuss her children or her business with me - so hey !! He doesn't or can't or won't. This still goes on and is amusing and infuriating at the same time and at times is also very draining and I think this is possibly the reason daughter doesn’t like me, because her mother doesn't. Please note ex-wife has not had a partner because 'her' children come first and she took her marriage vows seriously – yes she has said this (catholic mind set).
I think your comments ''Right now it probably feels like a victory and vindication for him to have daughter move in with him'' & ''For that reason he probably doesn't want to accept that her motives in moving in with him aren't all down to their close relationship, but stem from less ego flattering motives like her jealousy and desire to come first''- are absolutely spot on.
My partner has admitted to me that:
1. He knew she didn’t want my house to be sold and she doesn’t want us to live together
2. He knows she is attention seeking
3. He knows she is jealous of my relationship with him
4. He know she is playing him up
5. He know she doesn't want me at the house with him
6. He knows he is soft with money with her and spoils her
7. He said last week he wishes she would just '*iss off to uni''
But then again he also may just be humouring
I also feel he struggles with being a 'parent - he has been a ‘friend’ for the last 12 years - you know the absent parent who gets the 'good stuff', who let them break all mum's rules, who spent money on them, let them stay up late, lounge about, do no chores, didn’t make their beds or open curtains (his son's curtains have been closed for 10 years!!)
I think you can read my mind Bojangles – I have wrote to him this weekend in a desperate attempt to ‘talk’ to him on paper – I haven’t sent it though – it is 2 pages long !! I may need to cut some.
I have wrote him 2 letters by email in the last 10 years in an attempt to connect with him – I don’t know if he reads them though. They were long letters – as you can see I write very long letters!!!
He absolutely hates these letters – my family on occasion communicate by letter he finds it bizarre. I have a very ‘fractured’ family and my relationship with my dad was not good and he was ‘inappropriate’ towards me and an alcoholic. I have abandonment issues to – but it’s my stuff not my partners.
As for us going to counselling this will be an absolute no go! I have tried – I have mentioned his daughter going too for anger issues / child of divorce issues – he said he won’t label her and it won’t help her. A turn around here though daughter may be going to see someone - following recent blood tests for a possible eating disorder – blood tests are fine, she told her GP food is bad - GP is making an appointment for her to speak to someone – what great news. I asked him what he would do if he was asked to go into session with her and ex-wife he said he would go, but he won’t with me.
Please note: his daughter started fad diets/ picking at food and exercising like mad when my house went up for sale – I was gutted and scared because I felt this was my fault and I have always swore I would never hurt his children. I am very relieved when I heard she hasn’t got eating disorder.
I have to say selling my house was his idea – he gave me an ultimatum, he said that he was 48 years old and couldn’t see himself commuting back and forward for another few years especially if we have grandchildren, he decided it was best for us to sell my little terraced house first because it doesn’t need any work doing to it – I would then move in with him – we would do his house up to sell (needs a lot of work, but has 3 bedrooms and a drive / garden) and then sell his and buy one together. He agreed when my house went up for sale he would start doing his up – he hasn’t done a thing at it!!! We have both made a lot of money on both our houses so we would have a good deposit for new home together. I asked him to discuss it with his children first especially daughter – he informed me he had and she had said great. I actually wept tears of relief when I heard this I was made up that we had a break through. So my house was valued and put on market in May this year.
Then all this started – I asked him where it left us his reply ‘wherever you want it to be’ – I asked ‘what about us’ his reply ‘what about us’ – I asked ‘do you want me to still sell my house’ his reply do what you want, you don’t want to sell it any’’ !!!!!! I cannot believe this. So I took my house of the market and partner didn’t flinch. I did ask him to tell his daughter why my house had come off the market because of her behaviour and her moving in his house – has he done this NO!!!!
Answer to your statement – can I live with his daughter- at this moment in time categorically NO especially the way she is at present – I value my sanity too much. His house is the house he brought 13 years ago for him and his children – it is not big enough for him, his daughter and me.
If he actually contacts me again I will try to find the courage to take your wonderful / awesome advice I will remind him that we have both waited 10 years to put our relationship first, and that I have always been supportive of his relationship with his children, but that our relationship has to have some priority too. If he doesn't feel able to dedicate more time to me because his daughters needs come first, we both need to consider whether it's right to continue with the relationship. I will try to issue a quiet meaningful warning that he might not like the consequences if he continues to keep our relationship in second place.
In the mean time I will keep looking at the letter I wrote him and ‘tweak’ it about and then decide if it is worth sending to him.
Thank you again Bojangles – I cannot express how much your reply meant to me – this site may keep me sane. OM Goodness how long is this post!
I can see that you are really
I can see that you are really going to have to work hard to cut down your letter ;). But I totally identify, I have written REAMS to my husband in the past before realising that the number of words put him off from the start. Generally I now write at length for me to vent, then cut out most of it and edit it down to 3 or 4 bullet points. Bullet points are particularly effective. DH's ex wife used to write lengthy essays on their relationship during the trying-to-get-him-back years and was very manipulative and tbh I think he automatically rejects anything that smacks of that approach now.
His ex's problem is that he went BACK to you, which in her mind undermines their whole marriage and turns it into a mistake which he has now corrected. Which of course is the truth
In the more detailed events that you recounted your DH has been completely out of order with you. He is taking his frustration with his daughter out on you because he doesn't have the confidence to do it with his child. He is very stressed and has no idea what to do, so he is retreating. My DH has done this so I know how it feels. This bit of your post was outrageous:
"I asked him where it left us his reply ‘wherever you want it to be’ – I asked ‘what about us’ his reply ‘what about us’ – I asked ‘do you want me to still sell my house’ his reply do what you want, you don’t want to sell it any’’"
'wherever you want it to be'?!!!! I like to imagine delivering a martial arts style high kick to his head at that point! It also reminded me of my DH when he is stressed and in a pissy mood, so it made my blood simmer!
I'll tell you what I would do, although this is not quite as calm and constructive as my previous advice. Sit it out. Right now he has shut you out. After being rude, difficult and unfair. You have to draw a line and show him that dealing with things that way, and taking it out on you, is not acceptable. If he tries to get in touch don't reply or accept the call and give him a taste of his own medicine. I would leave him to stew for a minimum of a week after he tries to get in touch. This may be hard for you if your natural inclination is to reopen communication, but purge your desire to communicate by writing stuff down for yourself. Perfect your *short* email/letter (maximum 1 page!) and put it on ice. Then distract yourself, see friends, go to the movies, buy a new dress, do anything you enjoy, basically remind yourself of the joys of life when you make your own decisions about your time instead of sitting around waiting for SO to not bother notifying you what he and SD are doing. Get in touch with your anger. Then, when the time is right, and he has worked out that he has messed up and that actually you are shutting him out rather than the other way round, and started to feel anxious about it, then send the email/letter. He'll be ready to read it by then!
I thought I would make one
I thought I would make one other point. When you write to him, keep it short and to the point. Write it out, leave it for a day, re-read it, and edit to make it as calm, reasonable, and to the point as possible.
If you're anything like me you have already tried carefully detailing your concerns and issues at length, and many times over. He's guilty and feels torn in two, so he's defensive. When we're not being heard we say more and more, trying to add more detail and more evidence and more feeling, thinking that if we keep talking at some point we will find the right combination of words to make them understand and change. In fact what happens is that the more we talk the less they listen, until eventually as soon as you open your mouth they shut down. Then you feel even more hurt and rejected. The only way to change his response is to change your behaviour. It will knock him off balance. Say less, with less emotion, and a clearer view of your priorities and boundaries and he will hear more.
What I'm saying is, don't start citing every little thing he and his daughter do that excludes you, or reduces your time together. Try to summarise that situation without too much emotion, in just a couple of sentences. He's not stupid, he knows you are not getting much alone time. What you have to make him understand is what you want to change, and what, reluctantly, the consequences could be if he is not prepared to compromise or discuss.
Thank you Bojangles - i will
Thank you Bojangles - i will keep coming back to site it may just be my saviour
Aaah Bojangles your words of
Aaah Bojangles your words of wisdom inspire me and keep me sane!!!!
Thank you for acknowledging that my SO (significant other ???) was rude, difficult and unfair – I was absolutely gobsmacked at him for his comments. Especially after spending over 10 years with him – he actually devastated me in that one conversation. If I could have high kicked him I would have !!!!!
I have always admired my partner (SO) especially his strong principles as a dad – my daughter's father was weak, a coward and mummy’s boy who has missed out on some truly wonderful years seeing his daughter grow up to be a warm, caring and wonderful young lady who is so happy with her life and she gives me great joy and I am filled with pride. So diivorce doesn't always damage children does it !!
I am really seeing a different side to my partner (SO) since his daughter moved in with him – you are so right when you say he is stressed out, he has no idea what to do with a manipulating, sullen, moody and unpleasant 16 year old daughter (sorry but she is) – it’s quite scary as he is usually an professional, intelligent, caring, generous & lovely man.
Now he is like a demented flustered chicken!!!!!! She yells, scowls, ignores & back chat’s him and I feel she does not respect him in any way what so ever, unless she wants something and then its ‘please daddy’ in a whinny, childish 5 year old voice and WHAM he crumbles. I can’t explain it - it’s quite sad & bizarre to watch a 6ft 4inch 48 year old man’s look of sheer horror & fear when she starts.
I really feel he is absolutely terrified of his daughter. It makes me sad and makes my blood simmer. I actually do feel furious and frustrated with him, especially when he takes 'crap' from a 16 year and he is so oblivious to the impact on our relationship – he does disrespects me, has no courtesy for me by making major decisions without a thought for us, it appears like he has no empathy re how it has affected my life & his life or our relationship. I know absolutely he would not under any circumstance tolerate or ‘allow’ me to reprimand his daughter.
I have to mention his 19 year old son here too. He is delightful and fun to be with i actually adore him and he makes me laugh out loud. He hates his sister with a vengeance and has gone back to university early and he has said he is not coming back, because he cannot stand being around sister or his mum. His son told his dad his sister is spoilt and she ruins everything and always has and he hates her and SO son said his mum treats him like a dog!! How sad is that.:-(
I have looked at my ‘long’ letter to him ;–) - WOW it’s long!! It’s going to take me a while to ‘tweak it’and get it dow ;-(
The crux of the letter I wrote to him is:
•His lack of communication with me – leads to no intimacy for us as a couple
•His disregard to the lack of our time together
•The not knowing what his / daughters plans are every week
•His walking out on me when I ask a question – I feel like a naughty child he is punishing!!
•His defensiveness / anger to me
•His ignoring me for days
•His lack of trust – won’t confide in me how he is / how he feels
•His total lack of respect for me as a person / human being
•His lack of courtesy to me
•Not knowing if we still have a relationship
Oh boy i can go on and on - how do I get this down to a short letter ????
By the way still have not heard from him !!!! I am trying my best to sit it out and I will.
Good news though - I have made arrangements to go out with friends on Friday night & I am really looking forward to catching up with the ‘girls’. I have contacted a decorator to redecorate my bedroom, and I have ordered new bedding and curtains. It’s going to be lovely.
Thanks again - i love this site it is such a relief to find like minded caring SM/SF and find out / realise we are not alone and we tend to feel the same way and could all be living the same life - why!!!!
I am high fiving your Friday
I am high fiving your Friday night date and decorating! I think redecorating is a particularly good idea because it's an investment in you and your home, and personally it always increases my peace when I get a room just as I like it and can sit in it enjoying the results. Plus when he finally realises what an arse he's been it will demonstrate very clearly to him that you have been moving on and not just sitting around waiting for him to get it together.
It is excellent that you are leaving SO to sit it out with SD for a while. Your comments on her behaviour and his reaction to her reminded me that sometimes, while we SM's are on the sidelines commenting on their children and making suggestions about how they should deal with things, Dads get distracted from realising how badly their children are behaving, and doing something about it, because they get diverted into being defensive with us. It's MUCH easier to be short tempered and arsy with your partner, when you know where you are with them, than come down hard on your child when you're afraid she'll leave, or won't like you any more. Especially when Dad is actually feeling out of control because he has NO idea how to deal with the situation and change their childs behaviour. It must quite galling to be rather ashamed of the way your child is behaving and have your partner watching you failing to deal with it.
I guarantee you that if he is left alone with her for a few weeks, without you there to take things out on, pretty soon he will get very sick of her behaviour and his frustration and anger will then be directed towards the right person. I think you both need him to work out how to deal with his daughter without you on the sidelines, and it's probably a major shock to his system to have gone from a part time Dad who does very little disciplining to a full time Dad who is going to have set some rules and boundaries. From what you say about his principals as a father, and his son, it seems possible that he is capable of pulling it together, if he's left to his own devices, if he can't that's a big red flag for you.
Believe me I am NOT wise or heroic, but it's so much easier to comment calmly on other people's situations than your own. I have made HUGE numbers of mistakes myself and had more rows than I could ever recount with my DH over his children, but at least here I get to put my experiences to good use!
Hi Bojangles - got my letter
Hi Bojangles - got my letter down - not snet it but how ab out this?
Dear OH - You are a selfish *anker !!!!
x
Please do not sell your house
Please do not sell your house - that is your ace in the hole in case you need a place to live.
Wait til he sells his first. Really!!!!!
Hi Most Evil Thank you - my
Hi Most Evil
Thank you - my house will not be sold anytime soon i can assure you
People here are so kind and supportive - it is appreciaited and gives me strength.
You both sound like mature
You both sound like mature adults who want a committed relationship and have done everything correctly in respects to your children. My mom has gone through a very similar thing with her hubby and step daughter...so I have heard how this goes down! She sounds like a clingy disrespectful 16 year old! my stepsister hated my mom with a passion and used to say to her dad (my step dad) "you love your wife more than me!" and he would say "She is my wife, and i love her in a different way than I love you"
The advice I want to give you is...
confront your man and say "I'm glad you have such a good relationship with your daughter but I feel like me and our relationship have been put on the backburner. I want to feel like a priority again and until you can decide if you can do that, then we should put this all on hold" He needs to stand up to his daughter and tell her that you are going to be in the picture no matter what and she can like it or leave. They can still have a great relationship and everyone can be happy. I'm sorry you are going through this! Hopefully she doesn't stick around long past high school graduation!
Hi xtina - Thank you for
Hi xtina -
Thank you for your feedback / post. I am sorry you have had to witness the terrible 16 yr old SD.
I feel for your mum - she must be very proud of you and it must have been hard for you to watch your mum be treated like this. Thank you
PS: I will add your advice to my letter to him
OMG – my inner child came out
OMG – my inner child came out to play !!! My positive intentions flew right out the window !!!!!
Update – Well my partner arrived at my house on Wednesday night at 8.15pm, after walking out on me last Saturday.
I told him I was surprised as I thought he ended things with me. He response what are you talking about it's only Wednesday (aaaargh!!!).
He sat with his coat on and his keys in his hand – ready to run again????
All the positive talk I gave myself during the week on how to deal with this calmly and like an adult disappeared when I saw his defensive body language. I am deeply ashamed and afraid to say I lost it!!!!
I shouted and ‘let rip’ like a spoilt brat!!! All the hurt, pain, feelings of abandonment and feeling of powerlessness came out – right there right then.
He got defensive and then listened for a while. He then turned it round to me and said ‘You don’t support me, coming to your house is my escape’ (hell fire i am allowed 2 hours per week!!) and ‘You are the person I should be able to come to for support and rely on’- he said he felt like he was on his own and had no-one to rely on . He said he was trying to keep things ‘normal’.
He said his daughter moving in and his not letting me know was not a big issue and he doesnt see why i make a fuss!!!!
My response was and yes i ‘shouted’ HELL it was a big issue as it had affected our plans, our life and MY life!! He then said it must be his naivety that he thought it wouldn’t matter to me that she moved in.
He then said he had spoken with his 16 year old daughter that night (Wednesday) as she had asked why my house had been taken off the market – she walks past it every day to go to sixth form and must have seen the For Sale sign has come down.
He apparently said to her that because she was living with him and sometimes adults had to make decisions.
Daughter asked why it made a difference her living there, he said he informed her that she had not been particularly pleasant with me recently (try over 10 years!!).
Daughter then said it was because she didn’t feel well and was not sleeping at night, she then started to cry about being obsessed with food and calories and gaining weight and she was unhappy. Partner then got freaked out and crumbled. What can I do – her crying kills him!!
It’s like walking a tight rope all the time and 2nd guessing everything.
So the up shot I am left feeling like a first class ‘*itch’ – and feeling selfish and unreasonable again.
He left my house saying he didn’t have daughter on Friday night and was I going to round to his. I said 'sorry no I am going out' (pre -planned with my friends since he walked out on me last weekend) – he was not happy with me. (Tough)
I explained AGAIN (hell had he not listened to me for the last few months and that night!!!) that he doesn’t inform me of his or his daughters plans for the weekends –so i would be making my own plans - he then asked if I wanted to do something Saturday.
I asked where his daughter was this weekend, he said she was at her mum’s Friday, and then she was going to a party on Saturday night (thought she was poorly, unhappy - her pictures will be on facebook Sunday with her vodka in her hand and big smiling face !!!!).
Oh WOW there is time for me. He said he would come round Saturday afternoon.
What will happen today – let’s see shall we?
He flabbergasts me – does he not get it – does it not sink in????? OR is it me???
Does this get any easier?
Oh LOSTTHEWILTOLIVE! Now I'm
Oh LOSTTHEWILTOLIVE! Now I'm not going to write too much because who knows WHAT will have happened on your Saturday afternoon date, reconciliation, or fury part 2. I wait on tenterhoooks. But here are a few thoughts:
On 'losing it', well who could blame you. I myself am a shouter. I am also a thrower. What could be MORE infuriating than a partner who acts like a man on an island, and THEN blames you for not being more supportive!! He has deliberately kept you at arms length from his children and prevented you from having any kind of parenting/caring relationship with his daughter, and then he wonders why there is friction and tension when you are suddenly required to co-exist?
So coming to your house is his 'escape'? His daughter moving in has caused such stress that he needs an'escape', yet he thought it wouldn't matter to you that she moved in, and that you would not experience any stress yourself?! What support is he providing to you in coping with the intrusion of HIS troubled daughter into your life and plans? He made a life changing decision with huge impact on you without even discussing it with you let alone getting your buy in and THEN he wants you to be supportive?! He is mistaken in attributing his error in judgement to his naivety, it is not naive to think that suddenly having custody of your teenage daughter is going to have minimal impact on your partner, it's grade A, top flight stupidity and insensitivity.
You are NOT a bitch OR selfish he is doing a number on you with his poor me rationalisation of his actions! Do not fall for it! This is why you have to crystallise 3 cast iron reasons why he has behaved badly and it is all his fault and then recite them over in your head until even when you are about to go up in flames from the astonishingly daft diversion he has pulled, you can still calmly and collectedly tell him why HE is in the wrong. Oooo how I wish you could have been wearing an ear piece into which I could have fed these comments DURING the conversation with the man still wearing his coat and holding his keys!!
Anyway, it is EXCELLENT that he was not happy you were going out on Friday abd you need to do more of that. He is taking you for granted in assuming that you will be able to fit in with his plans at the shortest of notice based on what SD is doing. The ONLY way to show a daft man the error of his ways is via an actions speak louder than words approach. If he repeatedly finds that leaving it to the last minute results in your already having other plans, he will start to plan ahead little more, or feel annoyed with SD because he misses time with you as a result of her typically teenage inconsiderate planning.
On SD herself. It is absolutely essential that your SO takes her to a GP IMMEDIATELY. If he wants 'support' then telling him to do that is the best support you can give him. Mood swings, insomnia, withdrawn erratic behaviour and highly controlled eating were the key signs when my SD16 developed an eating disorder last year. It is absolutely essential to catch it as early as possible, because the longer the obsession with dieting goes on, the more entrenched it gets and the harder it is for them to stop. I managed to convince DH that SD had a problem, we confronted her, she laughed it off. DH fell for it. I spent months watching her silently starve herself in my home while I tried to get DH to do something. It nearly destroyed my marriage. Finally even he couldn't ignore it any longer, he got her mother involved and she went to the GP. She ended up in a specialist clinic for 3 months. In some teens it starts off as an attention seeking thing and pretty soon it spirals out of conrol. Your SD16 has at least talked about it, so your SO must take it seriously and take her to the doctor. They can refer her to highly experienced NHS counsellors who may be able to nip it in the bud. If he won't take it seriously that should be a big red flag for you. If you think SD is a black hole sucking in all your partners time and attention now, it is nothing to the way in which a child with a full blown eating disorder can consume all focus and energy in a family. You're either worrying about whether she is going to eat, watching her not eat, or waiting for her to purge what she has eaten. Before, during and after meals occupies every minute of the day. I'm sorry if this comes over very heavy but I got badly burnt with my SD and I really want you to understand from my experience what a nightmare it will be if his daughter has an eating disorder and your SO does not act swiftly to address it.
Anyway, hope your Saturday date went well!
Hello Bojangles Thank you
Hello Bojangles
Thank you again for your post.
Ha! my date consisted of 2 hours trek round garages for SO to find a new car, he has got a new job with no company car so he has to buy one. SO, then dropped me off at my house so he could go home to make his daughters tea.
His daughter had asked him Saturday morning if she could have a friend round that evening because she was bored and fed up, which freed SO up so he asked me if I would like to go out for a drink Saturday night – WOW what a bonus for me after spending a grand total of 2 hours with him from 9.10.12 to 20.10.12 – I get 2 hours Saturday afternoon and an evening out as well !! (sorry sarcasm doesn’t become me).
Daughter apparently then invited other friends round when he had left her at his house and what a surprise photos on Face Book today of her friends dancing and drinking alcohol when dad was with me.
SO not happy with her (or so he told me) as he thought only one friend going round to his house – he didn’t know if the friends parents knew he was not home for the night – I would not have been happy with this if my 16 year daughter was staying at a friend’s house with no parents there all night – but that’s me. Strange he doesn’t see this as an issue.
He also came tonight (Sunday) when his daughter was at work – for 1 hour before her text came to pick her up from work. He left saying he would come to my house on Tuesday evening – this is a little progress.
You do read my mind – I didn’t read your post until this evening & the things you mentioned I have done today - WOW !!
No we have not reconciled really – I’m still *issed that he hasn’t said he is SORRY for this whole mess. I know it won’t change things but I will let me know he actually has some insight into how I feel.
I did manage to ‘talk’ (not shout) with him this morning before he went home to spend the day with his daughter.
•I explained I felt like we were strangers. I informed him how I felt about him blowing our plans out of the water and his thinking it didn’t matter and not letting me know of this major decision he made without letting me know.
•I pointed out how he came across on Wednesday night sat with his coat on and keys in his hand. I explained that he appears to have no empathy for my feelings and the lack of acknowledgement for how I feel unsupported too.
•I also informed him how his saying I don’t support him was unfair, I explained that just maybe, maybe I could support him if he could let me know his & his daughters plans for the weekend in advance by picking up a telephone talking to me as a person and explaining that the ex-wife won’t have her daughter at the weekend and daughter was doing this or that but we could do something I maybe a little more open to him & I could make my own plans.
•I explained that him saying he was naïve about daughter moving in was ‘crap’ and I said he must have known this would throw our whole future into turmoil.
•I also said he was rude and inconsiderate and he had not said he was ‘sorry’ any stage in the last few months for upsetting me & us & our relationship / plans and his not acknowledging me and that he had shut me out – I said this was his choice to do this not mine.
Did he listen – who knows – did he say sorry NO - again I will have to wait and see !!!!!
I have plans though at weekend I am having a pamper day with my daughter on Saturday.
About SD eating I have been worried sick – I have pushed and pushed him since June to do something about her – anything i.e. take her to GP / Counselling / Talk to her mother / Talk to her – he buried his head for a while but I am happy to say I went on and on at him until he did take notice – he contacted her mum, they had a 5 minute talk with her and it was decided she would go to GP.
His daughter has finally had blood tests at GP’s 2 weeks ago – she has a Vitamin D deficiency (got prescription) and an appointment has been made for her to talk to someone at the local hospital – she told GP food was bad – appointment has come through for 22 Nov.
I think this started when my house went up for sale (I am gutted did not expect this to happen I did not want to hurt her). I do think it started off as control / attention seeking and possibly her feeling she was losing her dad. So yes this is another issue and I will take his time – but he won’t accept / acknowledge she has a mother too – they just won’t speak to each other.
Yes I totally agree and you are right it has got to be stopped before it spirals out of control. My daughter did this at 16 yrs old too – some boy was behind her and said she had a ‘fat *rse’ so she became obsessed for a while, the usual lost weight / exercise etc. But she came through with me supporting, watching and monitoring her all the way.
I truly hope your SD is on the mend and is getting over her eating disorder. She is very lucky to have you – I hope she appreciates you. (I do!!!!)
I am at a loss where this whole relationship is going – I did not expect any of this 10 years down the line in our relationship. He dis say this morning he wants me in his life - but he is going to have to 'buck up'. It is a mess and I feel so frustrated :-(.
Well it sounds like you put
Well it sounds like you put your points across really well. From your uncertainty about whether he has taken your points on board I take it that your SO is like mine and generally sits silently while you talk, seemingly oblivious to the need for normal conversational cues such as nodding, noises of affirmation and verbalised responses.
My DH is also a fan of then moving straight on to some practial steps in response to what has been said, rather than bothering to actually say 'you're right, I'm going to do things differently'. I do think that actions speak louder than words, but sometimes it's nice to have some words as well! It does sound like he has silently acknowledged that he needs to make more effort, by actually seeing you and saying when he is going to see you next. So there's a glimmer of hope. Maybe if you can get back on an even keel and he stops feeling so defensive he might work himself up to an actual apology!
I don't know if my SD appreciates me. We were pretty close when she first moved in with us 3 years ago and I worked hard to establish a close parental relationship with her, but she is a very troubled, self-destructive girl and her secrecy and refusal to be honest about her problems and address them ate away at our relationship. She doesn't know how to really feel close to people and sustain closeness, although she appears bright and confident on the outside. Her mother is erratic and has serious problems with alcohol, although bizarrely she is a lecturer in Psychology. Nothing I could do could fill the hole in SD's self esteem or pursuade her to really open up for long. We got her a counsellor and she lied to the counsellor. Her problems, and my DH's reluctance to take them seriously put tremendous pressure on my marriage, and I ended up feeling a terrible combination of guilt and anger and resentment. I actually feel like a failure as far as SD is concerned because I really wanted to fix her and I couldn't. And even now although I rationally tell myself that it's her mum and dad's responsibility and I put too much on myself in the first place, I still feel I failed. In the end I had to disengage from her because the stress was jeapordising my ability to parent my own young children. Right now SD is in recovery, has gained weight and been released to her mothers house. I hope she'll be OK, but for now I try to limit my efforts to being pleasant and I don't try to get involved in her treatment. Then I distract myself on Steptalk!
Well the saga goes on & on
Well the saga goes on & on !!!!!
Partners 16yr old daughter is still playing up - we (my SO & I) have come to a compromise that he will discuss her plans for the following weekends on a Monday (this is progress) and let me know in advance !!
Tuesday night my SO tells me SD going to BM's for the night on Friday, then Saturday she is going to a party and staying at her friends - Yippee we get nearly a weekend together for first time in 5 months since she moved in with her dad.
Wednesday night - her plans change - she is going to her mothers Thursday for tea only and her party has been cancelled dam, blast and bloody hell !!!!!!
So i see him for a couple of hours Saturday (SD is there) - SD then goes to work at 6pm her dad takes her - we get 3 1/2 hrs together before he picks her up from work (SD washes up in a pub) - SD slams in put her dads clothes on and then goes to bed - Joy!!
Sunday morning (I stayed over) - SD says she is having a shower - we hear a muffled noise in the bathroom - SD is crying in the shower - we ignore it for a while, she hears us go down stairs and then she starts crying louder - she is wailing !!
SO goes and knocks on door - she ignores him, the crying continues - he asks what is wrong - she then says nothing OMG !!
30 mins later she comes downstairs and goes into the kitchen with her dad, crying that she couldn't sleep, she is cold and hungry and doesnt know why she is crying or whats wrong - i say nothing.
When she goes back up stairs, I asked SO if it's because i was there - he shrugs and says he doesn't know, he then finally admits it's attention seeking and she has to get used to things and control her emotions when things dont go her way. WOW !!
15 minutes later he offers to take her shopping for a full length mirror for her bedroom - what a surprise, she suddenly feels much better and wants to go straight away. AAAARRRRRGHGH !!
When will this stop? when will she get a grip and grow up? When will he stop trying to buy her? When will he learn she is manipulating him and she doesn't want us to be together even after we have been together for 10 bloody years and i have taken my house off the market so we (SO & me) won't be living together for the forseable future??????
SERIOUSLY I AM READY TO GIVE UP !!!!!!
Did you say anything about
Did you say anything about the inadvisable shopping trip? Or did you manage to stick to keeping quiet and letting him eventually work out his own mistakes? If you did that would be remarkable restraint. He is feeding her behaviour at the moment. So it's not going to stop any time soon. If you reward attention seeking negative behaviour with a shopping trip then you are actively encouraging that behaviour, whether you mean to or not. He is obviously not seeing the cause and effect, and It sounds like your SO is having flashes of insight into her motives, which are then almost immediately drowned out by the irrational urge to make it all better with a sticking plaster treat.
What he should have done is talk to her in a calm 'the games up' kind of way and gently make it clear that her behaviour is over the top and unnecessary, but of course it's much easier to spend money on a mirror. I feel for your lost weekend, really your SO ought to be planning SDs schedule with her mother, rather than letting the 16 year old dictate her, and your time, but again that's such a common problem and so hard to fight against. Our SD16 has also been allowed to decide if and when she will see my husband. In summary, his daughter won't get a grip and grow up as long as her current approach is working for her. That's down to your SO. How sure are you that he's eventually going to cotton on and start dealing with her in a more consistent and firm manner? In the meantime had you considered shedding a few tears loudly in the bathroom and then sadly suggesting that a new necklace might ease the pain!
Hello Bojangles - how are
Hello Bojangles - how are you?
Yes I did say something about inadvisable 'shower gate' shopping trip when she went to work kept stum for about 5 hrs and just asked him why he felt the need to do this - he didn't know and didn't get it !!! Apparently now she wants a budget to redecorate her bedroom (possibly because i am having mine done!!) Only had it done 2 years ago - new everything !!!
What a good idea - i will try crying in shower and see what reaction i get Ha ha !! He will probably not even know !!!
Think i have pushed my luck too far last night though!!!!
Take care and thank you again x
Another shitty weekend ruined
Another shitty weekend ruined !!!!!
Here we go again – it’s the weekend and it’s ruined.
SO came to my home at 1.45pm yesterday afternoon and OMG left his 16.5 year old daughter home alone.
I asked what he would like to do – bear in mind I didn’t know what his and his daughter’s plans were for the weekend because he didn’t tell me again
He informed me he had to be back home to make his 16.5 year old daughter evening meal at 4.30pm and take her to work at 6.00pm (she washes up in a pub).
Anyhow we had 2 3/4hrs on our own and we went out to a local village had a walk and coffee and he brought me back home. He then asked if I wanted him to come round to my house in the evening.
I dared to ask what about his daughter what was she doing when she finished worked at 9ish because if he was going to come round to mine at 8.00pm and leave at 9.00ish to pick her up and take her home there was little point really. He said ‘WAIT FOR IT’ she can get a taxi home and he would stay at mine. I said Ok and should we go for a drink in my local pub together. }:)
We went out at 9.00pm – he was checking his phone most of the night obviously to see when his daughter got home from work but that’s fine he has to know she is safe!! – It was strained and has been all week but hell after a couple of drinks I got brave and I had to open my big mouth.
I asked him if he had heard from his 19 year old son recently he is at Uni about 1 hour away and he went back in Aug after another row with his selfish spoilt sister and his stupid mother, threatening not to come back because of them. Alas, his son has stuck to this and bless him he has not been home since. His sister is so so jealous of her dad and brothers relationship also. I said we should go to see him soon - SO just shrugged. :?
I then asked if his daughter was going / seeing her mother this weekend – he said no mother had gone away for weekend. Couple more drinks and I got braver – I asked where she had gone and I said (sarcastically) lucky for her we have only ever had 2 weekends away in 10 years due to you and your ex-wife’s rigid visitations and hell now her and her daughter are both dictating our weekends.
Well now he was getting ‘arsy’ and defensive.
I then asked when his 16.5. year old daughters prize night was a 6th Form – he told me it had happened on Thursday - his daughters school is on my road – he went with his ex-wife and didn’t think to tell me about it – I was livid this is just another thing in a long list of things he tells me nothing about.
I have no clue what is going on in his life. :jawdrop:
So bottom line we left the pub and came back to my house and yes I was *issed off with him – a huge nasty row erupted with lots of name calling – mostly me I am ashamed to say – I called him a Disney Dad – I said look up Emotional Father Syndrome and Emotional Incest as he has made his daughter his ‘mini wife’. :sick:
I asked again where I fit in, in OUR 10 year relationship – I again what about our plans to be together and I said what was he going to do about his daughter hating me & trying to make things so difficulty and trying her utmost best us to split up – I called him a walking wallet / ATM – I asked had I any say in our so called ‘relationship’ and I called him a bumbling fool and said he had his head so far up his own arse, I accused him of being spin less and I said he had no back bone and told him to man up.
I said he wouldn’t be honest with his daughter about me and would not defend me against his ex-wife (divorced 12 years ago) – I then told him (well shouted at him) to move on and get a grip and his was not the only family to be divorced – AND I said he had no respect / no decency and did not think about me !!!!! Oh Goodness I was a fish wife fuelled on 3 - 4 glasses of wine!!!
It went on and on he called me a spiteful *ucked up cow’!! Who has ruined his last 15 weekends – Hell no way!!!! He has done this along with his ex-wife and 16 yr. old daughter.
He slept on my sofa – I got up this morning shamed face and what a surprise he had walked out again and I have not heard from him and probably won’t.
OMG this is a bloody nightmare we just go round and round with no compromise and no resolutions – all I want him to do is talk to me honestly and openly and to think about us a little for a bloody change – is that too much to ask for from someone you have been in a relationship with for 10 years –
I feel sick to my stomach!!!! :sick:
Hello lost the will, you
Hello lost the will, you might want to consider starting a new blog entry rather than continuing this one as you will get more comments! A lot of them sympathetic! Setting aside my empathy on the cumulative resentment and the shouting, I shall give you my impression of your last post.
Your partner hasn't prioritised your needs for a long time, but it sounds like he is making some small efforts. The events you describe suggest he is coming round to see you whenever he can fit it in, that he has recognised that his daughter is attention seeking even if he hasn't weaned himself off giving her attention, and made a step forward by spending the night at yours and leaving his daughter to get a taxi home. That sounds like a big step for a man who has been entrenched in feeling he should be running around after her all the time. Those efforts may feel like too little too late for you. Especially as his advance planning still isnt up to much, and he's not giving you the verbal apologies and self realisation that you deserve. But I imagine he was feeling like he was damned if he did and damned if he didnt when he put his evening with you first, and still got it in the neck.
It all comes down to whether you want to be with him or not. If you do, then maybe you'll have to try and recognise positive efforts and build on them. If you dont, or don't think he's making any effort at all, then maybe you have to accept that there are too many obstacles and too much resentment and give up. It seems like you two have a strong connection, you keep coming back to each other, and have stayed together for a long time. Nothing will improve overnight but if he can spend more nights at yours, where you try to focus on the 2 of you instead of Her and Her Mother, you might eventually feel less resentment and more hope, and he might relax and unbend enough to recognise where he's gone wrong and admit it. But if you rehash the same ground every time you're together youll both end up feeling like theres no point. Also look on the bright side, when my SD found that moving in with her Dad and I did not solve her problems or give her what she wanted, she eventually moved back to her mothers! Your current situation may not last forever!