won the battle .... not the war
Went to the bitch pre-marriage counselor. After standing my ground it was decided that crazy SD does not come on Xmas. SO will ask BM if he can open presents with the kids at her house!!!! They both berated me for saying they should open presents at a restaurant. That was UNACCEPTABLE. ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE. so the way it stands now he has to ask his xwife if he can come over to her house and hang out with his kids awhile there....because of me....and make me look like a big jerk. Because his psycho daughter is banned from our house and I am not changing my mind. BUT...he said that by next year I have to change my mind because SHE IS COMING TO OUR HOUSE FOR SURE
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I know you don't like SD, but
I know you don't like SD, but if my DH EVER suggested I "do Christmas" with my kids in a f'n restaurant, his shit would be on the street.
Clearly, *you* banned his daughter. He disagrees. Y'all need to figure this out, or it will be the end of your relationship.
I've done Christmas in a
I've done Christmas in a restaurant. Ritz Carlton in San Francisco - it was wonderful.
I went back and re-read some
I went back and re-read some of your blogs... it's tough to keep everyone straight!
Are you currently living with him, with your son, and having him support the both of you? You said you're in school and "will" work when you graduate in March.
Who's been footing your bills and your son's bills all this time?
Man, this guy is golden to you if he's allowing you to dictate when/who/how his kids come to HIS house...all while he's supporting you.
I think you need to re-evaluate your expectations and your relationship.
The "kid" here is almost an
The "kid" here is almost an adult - could probably be tried as an adult if she follows the sociopath career path she seems to be on. I'd ban her ass too.
NO. she's always been banned
NO. she's always been banned since I moved in since she made false allegations of sexual relations with him, called the cops on him, said I abused her to a counselor etc.
And her BF called her DD a
And her BF called her DD a whore.
I get grants and loans for
I get grants and loans for school. After I pay for my classes...all my money pays our bills.
You grants and school loans
You grants and school loans pay your bills? Wow, nice.
OK, outside of that, I get it if the kid has treated you like crap. I think you need to reconsider if he won't put his foot down and make her respect you in your home.
no need to explain the
no need to explain the financial situation. just because you don't currenly have a job does not mean you are obligated to put up with being treated like shit, no matter what some pea brains may tell you.
I shouldn't have to have
I shouldn't have to have someone unsafe in my home.
Is it your house or your BF's
Is it your house or your BF's house?
I totally disagree. This kid
I totally disagree. This kid lied about some horrible things she claimed.the op did and what does she get? Exactly what she wants mommy and daddy together in the same house. She shouldn't be rewarded for the crap.she put op through. And going to the exes house so wrong and disrepectful.
The op just wants some aknowagement that she is in a wife statis not his kid. Which sounds like to me is that the kid has the adult statis and not the op. Wrong wrong wrong.
^^^I AGREE^^^ After all this
^^^I AGREE^^^
After all this kid has done to him and his wife. The things this kid has done are nothing to be made light of, those are SERIOUS allegations. True or not. You can bet your ass if my BF's son EVER said anything like that about me or my BF I know my BF would not let him in our house and I certainly would not either and we would back eachother up 100% on it!
He can forgive his kid BUT he also should be smart and protect himself and his wife from this happening again. If he wants to see his kid then he should meet with her in a public place or at another family members house as to protect himself and his reputation from being tarnished by this lying child! IMHO.
I have to agree with this
I have to agree with this comment. A friend of mine with skids actually did this one thanksgiving. She couldn't take the squabbling and disrespect and her dh wouldn't defend her after working all day on a meal for him and his kids. So in the middle of fixing the mashed potatoes she bailed. Checked into a hotel and had one of the most relaxing holidays ever! And after that shit changed in that house for the better.
your friend is awesome!
your friend is awesome!
Amen Hypovic
Amen Hypovic
I agree with purple ^^^^^.
I agree with purple ^^^^^. This was not a "ban the skid" move to elevate OP's status and importance in the house. This was an agonizing decision made to preserve OP's health, sanity, marriage, personal possessions, and safety.
I am now even stronger in my
I am now even stronger in my opinion that your marriage counselor is an idiot.
Please, get a new one. Tell FDH you refuse to see this one again, period.
If anything, this lady sounds like a crazy BM projecting her issues/situation onto you and your DH. NOT GOOD!
If, however, your DH says, "no dice, we're staying with her," then I agree with some of the others above. You will never be happy in this relationship. Stick it out until March if you feel you have to, then leave. If you can get out reasonably before then, do it.
So, your boyfriend is going
So, your boyfriend is going to spend Christmas Day playing family-man with his daughter & ex-wife, in his ex-wife's home & you consider that "winning the battle"??? :?
You were hellbent on not allowing him to spend Christmas with his daughter in his home. You don't get to decide where they WILL spend it. It'd be a cold day in Hell when we'd spend our Christmas celebration with DH's kids in a freaking restaurant. To expect them to is unacceptable on YOUR part.
You know what else is unacceptable?
You forcing your 15-year old daughter to live in a home where the man you "love" calls her a whore. THAT is unacceptable.
You're not married. You make enough money by going to school to pay the bills. WHY are you still with him? If you can't love yourself enough to get away from your situation, love your daughter enough to get HER away from it!
Way to "win" though. Go you!? :?
"They both berated me for
"They both berated me for saying they should open presents at a restaurant. "
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I read that to mean that OP said they "should open presents at a restaurant."
The woman has the option to get out of a relationship with a man who berates her & her daughter.
The same woman chooses to stay with him, as well as forcing HER daughter to stay with him.
She CAN do something. She CHOOSES not to.
I don't guess him or the
I don't guess him or the counselor could very well tell you what they thought of your suggestion for him to spend Christmas Day at some restaurant. OP is the one who suggested it to them, so she's the one who heard their thoughts on it.
The grown ass man did figure out his own damn plans. He's going to spend Christmas with his ex-wife.
She's suffering distress because she chooses to stay with a POS & continue to complain about it. To each his own. I do feel for her daughter though, as she has so no say in the situation. OP wants sympathy for the situation she chooses to stay in, yet is keeping her daughter in the same shitty situation with no choice.
My sympathy goes to HER child for having a selfish mother.
You mentioned SHE is the one
You mentioned SHE is the one suffering in all of this. I was simply noting that she can choose not to be the victim. She's opting to suffer. Her child doesn't have that choice.
No prize for me. OP made it clear she got that. She "won the battle".
I think the grown ass man
I think the grown ass man needs to figure out why his dd has such huge problems and then try to fix them-instead of worrying about where she is going to open his xmas presents. I for the life of me cant remember how old the kid is here-but if she is a teen-then I'm sorry she knows better than to make up lies that can damage people's lives. Actions bring about consequences. The consequence here is that the op is not comfortable with this girl in her home. I dont blame her, neither would i. IMO, it doesnt matter whether op works, pays bills, or whether they are technically married. She is an adult, in what is her home (whether she is on teh title, or is livign their by his invite)and she has a right to feel safe.
I am also surprised that her man is comfortable around her. I get that that is his child. I really do. But i would be afraid to be anywhere that is not public with her if she is going to make allegations that they had sex.
I love Christmas-everything about it-the gifts, the celebrations, teh Church services, the "true" meaning of Christmas-it's all great. But just because it's Christmas it doesnt mean you should place yourself in emotional/physical danger to pretend that everything is peachy when it is so cleary not.
I don't and wouldn't give a
I don't and wouldn't give a fuck WHO it is/was...skids or otherwise if ANYONE disrespects me, my BF, my BS in OUR home then they are not welcome. Period. That is OUR home and we have a right to have as peaceful and comfortable a home as possible because that is OUR space! The only space that is ours to control and have a say over.
I would never tell my BF he can't see his kid BUT I do have every right not to want skid in my/our home that I/we live in 24/7 and skid is just EOWE and 2 hours every Wedn. IF he disrespects, disrupts, and brings drama/bullshit into our home when he is present. PERIOD. No ifs, ands or buts about it!
If someone, anyone, called
If someone, anyone, called one of my daughters a "whore", they would have no teeth nor lips to ever communicate with anyone ever again. People (esp. women, sigh), seem to be able to throw thier kids under a bus for some fu**kin. That makes you as evil as the one who hurt your kid. Anywho- good luck with that. Sounds like you have a rockin' life there! Showing your daughter quite an excellent example!
^^^Yup.^^^
^^^Yup.^^^
Facts: we are engaged, when I
Facts: we are engaged, when I moved IN TO the home I was assured that SD would not be coming over, that their visits would be elsewhere. This wasn't just my idea alone. This is a culmination of things SD has done. See previous posts.
Now because its CHRISTMAS and he is getting sentimental it occurred to him that this will be the first year that his kids don't open presents under the tree here all together. Well, news flash...ITS NOW MINE AND MY DAUGHTERS HOME, OUR TREE ETC>
You guys do not know this girl and what she is capable of. She is a loose cannon and my fiancee has no control over her or any of his kids, he downplays everything, he will let things happen and make excuses later. He wanted me and my daughter to go to my mothers house for half the day so they could celebrate at my house. Well, I was like,,,hmm- she is going to see many of the pictures of her taken down, she will have access to all my daughters things who she goes to high school with and who she walks in to every class and yells out- "do you know who the biggest fucking bitch is (my daughters name). She is prone to explosive episodes. She steals things, she is a pathological liar, already when my SO picks her up in his car for dinner I find my things missing FROM THE CAR AFTER HE TAKES HER TO DINNER. She is on meds, she has been beating her brother for years, she killed a fish and a guinea pig, she is on meds that they cannot get straight, shes been mental and hospitalized for mental issues since age three.
I was adament to not leave them alone on Xmas only to wait to get home and see what emotional state she was in and what she had broken, stolen etc. Plus- knowing she won't be coming over again, what incentive would she have to behave?
So, I'm really trying to
So, I'm really trying to understand then, with all of this why do you choose to stay? What makes you want to marry a man who disrespects you & your daughter & allows his daughter to do the same?
You can support yourself. Why not remove this crap from your life?
^^^^^yep^^^^^ Unfortunately
^^^^^yep^^^^^
Unfortunately OP you will never be first in this man's life.
You need to get out while the getting is good.
I went back and reread your blogs. HOLY HELL, if someone treated me like that EVER I wouldn't be there. And if someone treated
BD15 like that his ass would be handed to him on a plate.
You are setting yourself up for years and I do mean years of heartache.
As no one has said it yet I will....what this man is doing is emotional and mental abuse. And you are subjecting your daughter
to emotional and mental abuse. The worse bit is you are willing subjecting her to this.
Love isn't going to conquer this....You need to see the situation for what it is and get the hell out.
Wow I read this whole line of
Wow I read this whole line of discussion and all I can think is, what a mess love_my_shichi is in. I would hate having a skid that treated me so awful and a sh (or SO) that allowed this treatment by spending c.mas with that kid anyhow, letting the kid win and win big too by having daddy and mommy under one roof. Like someone said, you sure won big, your dh is spending c.mas with his other family. So what about you, who are you spending c.mas with, will you be alone at home with your kid? Is that truely what you want? Really? Maybe it is time to move on? I don't know, I just feel sad for you. But the fact that you are going to school and getting an education for a better career tells me you are a smart person. Maybe really sit down and talk to your dh about this whole mess and come up with a better plan, like having sd over for just a couple of hours to open gifts and have hot cider and pie, that way you also get your pie and eat it too, meaning your dh stays with you on c.mas and not in "the arms" of his ex. Sometimes compromise goes a LONG way with men and your dh will respect you greatly for your flexibility. Think of it as a c.mas gift for dh
It doesn't matter, all ways I
It doesn't matter, all ways I lose. He said next year she will be at his house whether I am or not. So I graduate, I save up, I disconnect, I go.
And although it may be
And although it may be difficult for you to see right now, you & your daughter will BOTH be so much happier. When you are on your way to a better life with people who truly love & appreciate you, & he & his daughter are forever bound to each other unable to find someone who will deal with the shit they dish, you will realize that it is not you coming out on the losing end.
And after you go, you should
And after you go, you should get your daughter out of that school too. OR your daughter should seriously kick the shit outta that crazy bitch. OMG, I would seriously catch a case over some dipshit harassing my Bio.
At the counselors I brought
At the counselors I brought up how the guy in our carpool said, "I met your fiancee's daughter SD. she comes up to me every day on class and says...YOUR NOT STILL FRIENDS WITH THAT BITCH (my daughter)" and guess what my fiancee says?.....SD WOULD NEVER SAY THAT. THAT CARPOOL GUY IS LYING.
I am so exhausted of every single thing remotely bad or negative any one of his kids does HE INSISTS IS UNTRUE. I am not joking you guys. HE WILL NOT ACCEPT OR ADMIT ANY TIME ANYTHING HIS KIDS DO THAT IS BAD EVER. it is beyond radiculous.
How are you supposed to live
How are you supposed to live with man who lives in some fantasyland about his child. ANY TIME SOMEONE SAYS HIS KID SAYS OR DID SOMETHING UNLESS IT'S ON VIDEO TAPE...."NO, HE/SHE DID NOT/WOULD NOT DO THAT". ?????? I just don't know how I am supposed to feel safe with this. In the event his two boys who do come on weekends start acting up, and chances ate they will, now they are just 10 and 12, but my god what will I do? And my fiancee is a recovering alcoholic...so most likely his kids will be partiers and spoiled and entitled, so I cannot wait to see what that looks like!
"You're not. No one is
"You're not. No one is forcing you."
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Yes! It really IS that simple. Why do you feel like you have to?
" In the event his two boys who do come on weekends start acting up, and chances ate they will, now they are just 10 and 12, but my god what will I do? And my fiancee is a recovering alcoholic...so most likely his kids will be partiers and spoiled and entitled, so I cannot wait to see what that looks like!"
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What WILL you do? After you process all of this & type it all out, how are you still wondering & anticipating what it will look like as though you still intend to be around when it happens?
Your fiance has called your
Your fiance has called your daughter a ah8re. He's a recovering alcoholic. No wonder his kids
act like jerks. They learned from the best. Why are you inflicting more
emotional torture on yourself and dd by staying with this guy? Please tell me that you got the school involved in the bullying your dd gets from SD. And please consider making fdh an ex-fdh.
^^^^^^Agreed^^^^^^^ Op he
^^^^^^Agreed^^^^^^^
Op he isn't going to change. Nothing in this situation is going to change.
From the sound of it you are going to need to heal and understand that you deserve better then this.
I have no problems with him
I have no problems with him seeing his daughter. I just don't want to be around her, or want her in my or my daughters space, ever. She has proven who she is. She is 15: she has done no work on herself, she blames everything on others, she has serious diagnosed mental problems, she is harmful to others, it would take years for her to get better IF SHE ADMITTED SHE HAD THE SERIOUS PROBLEMS SHE DOES AND WORKED SUPER HARD. I don't see it happening. I have too many of my own problems...and its my right to say that.
And clearly SD is not the
And clearly SD is not the only one with serious problems.
Despite being asked several times, you still decline to mention why you choose to stay with someone who treats you & your daughter like shit.
Certainly it's your right. Denial won't make it go away.
Wow, shichi, do you see the
Wow, shichi, do you see the similarity between you and SD?
I can't change other people.
I can't change other people. I love him, not his kids. I can tolerate his boys on the weekends. When I met him we were just friends. I never knew all this would happen. After living with him and having them over every weekend and now I can see how he won't believe a word anyone says negative about them. It's bizarre. I get how crappy of parents they are and that's why the kids are total obnoxious brats. Both him and BM seem to think they are great kids. Literally. The kids are unkempt, rude, selfish, get bad grades, have no manners, don't have interests besides video games, etc. And the fact is my SO and BM honestly think these kids are "great kids". It's crazy. It's also...none of my business. I thought that disengaging would be enough. Now the rules are changing to...SHE WILL COME TO OUR HOUSE ON HOLIDAYS...TAKE IT OR LEAVE.
so....I guess I get to decide.
This goes so far beyond his
This goes so far beyond his kids.
HE is abusive. HE mistreats you & HE mistreats your daughter, & HE allows & enables his daughter to do the same.
You keep pointing at his daughter, but even if his daughter didn't exist, the way HE treats you is still unacceptable.
You can't change them, but you CAN change your situation. YOU deserve to be treated with respect. YOU deserve to feel appreciated. YOU deserve to feel cherished. A man who loves you will not settle for you feeling anything different. Your daughter deserves all of those things as well. Neither of you deserves to spend your lives in a home where you're mistreated.
Abuse is something I feel very strongly about. It's something I've experienced & having overcome it, it KILLS me to see other women stay in relationships & settle for a life with someone who makes them feel inferior, disrespected, & unloved.
I hope you'll find your worth. I really do.
Well, that is very kind. My
Well, that is very kind. My daughters father was abusive physically, and I left him and never looked back. I guess I never looked at this situation like that because he never hit me.
I have been physically abused
I have been physically abused by 2 different men & was mentally abused by my exH. I stayed with him longer than I stayed with the men who physically beat me because he never hit me. I made excuses for the way he treated me because he didn't hit me. It is NOT okay for someone...ANYone...to disrespect you. That includes YOU. It's not okay to allow someone to mistreat you. You have to respect yourself enough & love yourself enough to surround yourself with people who respect your feelings & treat you right. If they can't, they lose.
I would suffer 100 broken bones before I will EVER give a man the power to break my spirit again.
I PROMISE you, that if you will get these poisonous people & the drama they carry out of of your life, just like when you rid yourself of the man who hit you, you will not look back.
I PROMISE you & your daughter will feel so much happier & you will feel so much peace.
I hope you'll take some time & really look at yourself...look at your heart & look at your mind & recognize all you have to offer & only give it to someone who is also able to recognize it & really appreciate it.
It's like a revolving door
It's like a revolving door around here, I read stories almost every week on here...."he said if left to choose between his daughter and me he would pick his daughter. And so I packed up and left"
The dumb thing is I never told him not to have a relationship with her. I just don't want one with her and don't want her in my space.
I hope your daughter forgives
I hope your daughter forgives you one day. Sheesh- you're somewhat thick.
Look, my SD16 is not allowed
Look, my SD16 is not allowed in our home. She is a non-factor in our lives. DH sees her for lunch about once a month. No more, no less. I have told him she can not come back. She made up many lies about me. I am done. I can't tell DH he can't see her. But, I can tell him, that she can't come here. It is my home too.
But, this girl is harassing your child, that is unacceptable. You need to change that situation immediately. When SD did this to BS at school, I got the principal, counselor and the bus driver involved. And made a stop at the police station. SD and BM learned really quick, that I wasn't messing around...No problems since.
If you can not stand up for your child, you are giving that brat all the power.
I just don't understand why you still love this man, when he has done nothing to deserve it? At least my DH has worked hard to get over what SD and BM did to us....He puts me first....
You need someone to do that for you and I do not think that is him.
So what does your husband do
So what does your husband do at Christmas? How does his daughter open the gifts he gives her? He is all Hung up on the kids opening them under a tree....preferabely our tree. But like I said HAD A COW AT THE IDEA OF OPENING THEM AT A RESTAURANT. I guess its unacceptable for his kids to open the presents "not I'm his presence" and not all of them together.
It's a bunch of idealistic BULLSHIT that frankly she ruined when she did all the crazy horrible things she did.
He is meeting her for lunch
He is meeting her for lunch on Saturday and then taking her to a store to buy one small thing that she wants...I told him no more than $25.00 dollars spent on her...Last year she got nothing....I don't think she should get anything. We already had words about it. I won't say another thing. We spent 7k on lawyers because of her, she deserves nothing....
It sounds like she is
It sounds like she is supporting him and the household. So whose money???
She is getting student loans,
She is getting student loans, doesn't work, and *maybe* gets CS for her DD.
He is an employed attorney.
OP says she needs to "graduate, get a job, and save up" to leave him.
Who do you think supports whom????
Uh....we just get by. He's
Uh....we just get by. He's not rich. Up until this Xmas thing, the deal has been, he has lunch with his daughter at a restaurant on Wednesdays. And as far as his daughter, my daughter isn't in danger, she's way more popular then SD, SD has barely any friends and is a cuckoo head. I was just telling what she does to give an example of what she's like. My daughter isn't afraid of her. Although psycho probably would win over normal in any fights.
We have been through a lot
We have been through a lot together. And we love each other. My daughter is normal and shes barely ever home. And my mother pays for everything for her and her other grandparents are wealthy, so he doesn't have to pay a cent. My daughter has more money in the bank then we do.
What do you love about this
What do you love about this man?
My daughter doesn't even eat
My daughter doesn't even eat meals with us rarely. She hates his children. She isn't a fan of him either. The only people who like each other are me and my daughter, him and I, him and his kids. Our two families don't mesh.
So your mother supports your
So your mother supports your DD, your DD is hardly ever around, hates your "step" kids, dislikes your "SO", your DD hardly ever shares meals with you, AND your "SO" has called her a whore.
Holy shit, shichi, I am almost at a loss. You are losing your DD over a pice of d*ck. Un-be-liev-a-ble. I hope one day she forgives you for choosing a POS man over her!!!
He's very intelligent, he
He's very intelligent, he makes me laugh, he's giving and caring, and he is different....
Do you recognize that by
Do you recognize that by calling your daughter names & allowing & enabling his daughter to disrespect you & your daughter, he's encouraging that behavior?
That isn't what someone who loves you does. If he loved you & cared about you, it would hurt him to see you hurt. He would WANT you to feel happy & he would be happy to help you feel that way.
Yeah. So, when he pretends
Yeah. So, when he pretends that his daughter isn't doing things that she really is and he makes excuses for her...he is...what.....prolonging the obvious? Saving face in front of the counselor? Trying to piss me off even more? He thinks I am going to be like, "oh yeah you are right! Random people make things up about your daughter for absolutely no reason!"
For any parent, acknowledging
For any parent, acknowledging that their child is doing anything but right has to be difficult. Certainly more difficult than denying it.
I'm sure it's hard for him to have it pointed out to him by other people & he likely is trying to save face.
Unfortunately denial doesn't fix the problem, & not only allows it to continue, but failing to address it leaves SD no reason to stop. By making excuses for her, he's siding with her & as long as she has him on her side, he's not on yours. Just that is enough to encourage her to keep it up.
Counseling will only help if everyone is willing to be honest. If he's going to skirt around things & deny things that are true, he isn't participating for the sake of resolving issues. If he isn't willing to be an honest participant, there's no point in him being there. It also lets you know that in his mind, these issues that are important to you aren't worth his effort to fix.
I seriously doubt he's expecting you to acknowledge him being right, because even he knows he's wrong. He just doesn't feel it's worth the work it would take to fix it.
My guess is he's figuring he'll skate through the counseling, participate as little as possible, change absolutely nothing, the counseling will come to an end & life will continue the same as it always has.
I haven't heard it said that
I haven't heard it said that way, but it makes sense.
There are several things that come to my mind:
Children live what they learn.
They learn by example.
Actions speak louder than words.
They are all true. As many times as a woman who stays with a man who mistreats her tells her daughter never to settle for the same type of relationship, her daughter is learning to settle for an abusive relationship. She learning that it's acceptable to stay with a man who yells at her & berates & disrespects her, because that's what she watched her mother do. It's what she lived & it's the type of life that is "normal" to her.
She's teaching her daughter that convenience is worth more than happiness.
She's teaching her daughter that a man is superior & a woman is inferior.
She's teaching her daughter that it's acceptable for a grown man to look at a child as a whore.
I can absolutely see where this situation would guide a 15-year old child into a life of being "easy". I can't imagine she feels loved or worthy of love, given the woman she counts on to be her protector holds her in a home with a man who berates them both.
Everyone wants & needs to feel loved by someone. The example of "love" she's learning is abuse. More than likely she'll search for a man who treats her the way she sees her mother being treated & she'll call it love. When she realizes it hurts, she'll deal with it & make excuses for it because it's what she's been taught to do.
It's a really sad cycle.
Fathers are blind to their
Fathers are blind to their children's shortcomings and flaws. We try to call "bullshit" on shit, we're picking on poor poor skids. WTF? My ss held a fucking KNIFE to my daughter's face! DH still texts the loser, and asks "so, how are things?" If my kid did some shit like that, I'd be sick with shame!
*sigh* Don't you care at all
*sigh* Don't you care at all about what this is doing to your daughter? It's like you have blinders on. As a mom, you depress me to no end.