"What were you surprised about?"
Another poster started the topic of: "What were you surprised about?" in regards to our home situations.
I am intrigued by my reflection and the response that I came up with. I wanted to bring it over to my own blog, so that I could keep track of it. I feel that I should spend some more time really thinking about this as it very well may put a whole new perspective on things for me.
***
My response:
"As I am reflecting back, thinking about the evolution of my relationship with my DH and I realize that, no matter how bad the skids and BM are, I came into this with my eyes wide open. I suppose there were times I've underestimated how screwed up BM is, but considering she's always just a shit storm brewing, I'm never really *surprised* by anything she does. The skids are still just kids. Badly behaved and poor mannered, but still just kids. I'm never really *surprised* by them either.
The ONE thing that I could say that I was blind-sided/slapped in the face/surprised by is the fact that the in-laws are so sick in their passive aggressive behavior, that they would passive aggressively undermine every effort that I made to try to help the skids. It was a total and absolute shock to me to learn that those people really just wanted the right to bitch about how bad the skids behave and that they are not, in any way, invested in the type of adults the skids grow into being. On top of that, I was absolutely and totally shocked that they were scapegoating ME to my DH -- telling him that I'm an evil step-mom and that I, "... should be doing a, b, c..." and, "... shouldn't be doing x, y, and z."
While I was trying to lift their son up and as a man, a husband, and a father -- they were silently tearing him down.
Never in a BILLION years would I have guessed how sick my in-laws are. Living with them for the first 8 months of our marriage was a huge, huge mistake. A mistake that almost cost us our marriage because of their intrusiveness and manipulations."
***
Implications worthy of further consideration:
1. I did come into this with my eyes wide open. I made a conscious decision to marry into this drama. This is both a good and a bad thing. Most importantly, due to the fact that I consciously chose this life, my right to bitch is pretty limited, right?
2. It will do me well to remember that my DH was not taught how to be a father and a man by his parents. In fact, they have gone above and beyond to infantilize him his whole life.
3. I think that it's interesting that my whole life I fall into the scapegoat role. What does this say about me?
I'm sure there is way more, but this is a good start. I feel that I can really build upon this.
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Comments
I can relate to so much of
I can relate to so much of what you've said. A few things really hit hard though:
"It really put my DH in a bad spot over the years."
My DH is also in a bad spot. I've contributed to putting him there. He is a good man, with a good heart. His parents have infantilized him his whole life. I get really frustrated that he won't just grow up already. I get really frustrated that he doesn't set good boundaries between our relationship and his parents. So I'm over here bitching at him about that. Then his parents are bitching at him about me. Aw, I feel kind of bad for him now. As his wife, I should work on finding a way to just ease up a little. He did marry me. HE was the one who insisted on looking for a house right away after there was a huge blow-out between us that almost ended our marriage 5 months in. He even acknowledged that the blow-out was caused by his parents interfering, scapegoating me, and their constant attempts to infantilize him. Shit, what more can I expect from the man?
"When I finally disengaged, it felt so good to break away from that."
INDEED!
"It seems like I have a history of being tied to people who have few boundaries themselves, and push limits with me until I am forced to set boundaries and I hate doing that."
Me too. I'm always surprised when I have to outright set simple boundaries (such as treat my property with respect). If the person is resistant, then I become an uber bitch about it. I grew up in a home where my own skin wasn't even acknowledged as a boundary I was entitled to. So when someone tries to plow my boundaries now, I react pretty strongly to it. I've learned to temper my first few attempts to enforce my boundaries. However, if someone just isn't getting it -- Holy hell watch out -- I get N-A-S-T-Y!
"Oddly enough, the folks who push boundaries with others the most, wind up being the best at setting their own limits on what they'll accept from others. Maybe it's time to take a few lessons from them."
This is interesting. I think you are right. Using my in-laws as an example, they plow everyone's boundaries. And they disguise is as "help." They are always trying to "help." But even if you tell them you don't want their "help," they keep trying to "help." This is how they've managed to infantilize their son his whole life. It's always the, "no son, let me do that for you," and the, "no I didn't tell him that his children stole from me because it will break his heart..." I mean, the ultimate message my DH got from them is that he isn't capable. BUT the interesting thing is that it's always disguised as "help." My DH once said to me, "I don't understand how it is that you don't like my parents. They are only trying to help!"
But it's not "help" when I haven't asked for it, I don't want it, I don't need it, and I've said "no thanks" 25 times. In fact, not only is it NOT "helpful" -- it's outright RUDE for them to keep offering.
Example of a typical conversation with my in-laws when they are trying to be "helpful":
"I'm almost 40 years old, I know how to file my own taxes, thank you very much. No thank you, I don't need the name of your tax person. I have my own tax guy who has been doing my taxes for the past 18 years. No thank you, I am not interested in taking my taxes to H&R Block to have them go over my taxes to make sure my tax guy did them right -- again, my tax guy has been doing my taxes for 18 years and I trust him. I've been married before, I know how to file my taxes as a married person, I can handle that. Again, no thank you, I don't need the name and number to the person who does your taxes -- again, I have my own tax guy."
Then, as though that wasn't enough, they start in on my DH, who then says to me: "I think we should have the person who does my parents taxes do ours."
Me: "No. I've been taking my taxes to Doug for 18 years and will continue to take them to him for as long as he continues to do taxes."
DH: "Well, after he's done with them, I think we should take them to H&R Block to have them look it over to make sure it was done right."
Me: "No. I am not at all interested in doing that."
DH: "I feel that the only reason why you don't want to do that is because my dad suggested it."
Me: "You are correct. And it wasn't a 'suggestion' -- it's an order. I've told him 4 times already that I am not interested in taking my taxes to his guy. I've told him 4 times that I don't want to take my taxes to H&R Block to have them double-check that they were done right. I've told him 4 times that I've been taking my taxes to Doug for 18 years. Period. I DO NOT NEED YOUR FATHER TELLING ME WHERE TO GET MY TAXES DONE."
DH: "He's not telling us -- he's just suggesting. He's just trying to HELP!"
Me: "It's not HELP when I don't want it. I find it absolutely INSULTING that he would continue to push the issue. I am not a child. I am not HIS child. I am almost 40 years old -- this is NOT the first time I've filed my taxes. I have it under control. I never once ASKED your father what he thinks I should do about our taxes. IT'S NONE OF HIS BUSINESS! I. AM. NOT. A. CHILD."
DH: "Well, he's just trying to help because he knows that this is the first time that I will have ever filed taxes before as a married person."
Me: "I've been married before. I know how to file taxes as a married person. I am perfectly capable of telling you everything you need to know. So for him to use that as an excuse to offer "HELP" is really just the polite way of saying that he doesn't think that I know how to handle it?"
DH: "That's not what he meant."
Me: "Really? What do you think he meant by that then? When you consider that I've been married before and have filed taxes before as a married person and am thus in a position to guide us, as a married couple, on how to handle that. When you consider that I've been taking my taxes to Doug for 18 years, but he's insisting we take our taxes to his guy. When you consider that he's insisting that we take our taxes to H&R Block to make sure Doug did our taxes right -- what do you REALLY think he's saying?"
DH: "I guess he's really saying that you don't know how to handle taking care of filing taxes."
Me: "BINGO! And are you seriously wondering why I'm pissed? I DO NOT APPRECIATE BEING TREATED LIKE I AM A CHILD!"
But then the in-laws are "wounded" that I wouldn't let them "help" us with our taxes.
WTF?
Some information (the Q's) I
Some information (the Q's) I found on the web about why I always end up in the role of scapegoat. I've answered the Q's with my best answers thus far:
Q. Do you insist on cramming the truth down people's throats instead of letting things go and letting things be?
A. Yes, I do. I struggle with seeing any purpose in pretending that things aren't happening. Thus, it's hard to just "let things go." Also, do I 'cram' the truth? Probably sometimes I do. Ok, most of the time I do. However, it has been my experience that simply addressing what appears to be a small dysfunctional truth can be enough to set some people off. I suppose that really means that I'm not a good judge of what is a "small dysfunctional truth."
Q. Do you go on crusades against people, situations or issues?
A. Yes, I do. I'm a social worker. I advocate and I activate. I fight for what is right. For me, to turn my back on something that I know is wrong, is the same as consenting to that wrong. The quote "Silence is consent," propels me to speak out. The thought of silently sitting by, watching abuse, makes me ill. I have no respect for people who do it. Can I see how this would make me an unpopular person? Yes. I've been unpopular my whole life because I won't "just shut up." I didn't keep the family secrets -- I blabbed and I blabbed loud.
Q. Are you righteous, judgmental or intolerant of people or situations?
A. Yes, I am intolerant. I refuse to tolerate people who won't change a situation for fear of being "uncomfortable."
***
Reflection:
I see that I may need to moderate these aspects of my personality if I don't want to end up the scapegoat anymore. Or, shit, maybe I just need to accept that there is nothing wrong with being the scapegoat IF I really am speaking out against a horrible wrong being committed against another.
Who knows. Time for some reflective prayer to see what God needs to me to do with this information.
DUDE! is it too late for you
DUDE!
is it too late for you to fix that? Can you email her back and says something along the lines of, "I'm sorry, however as planning of the event has evolved, your offer of a $5 donation to the church rather than paying the $15 as everyone else is expected to do, is no longer going to be possible. I'm sorry that for the misunderstanding."
Of course she is going to be pissed at you. But fuck it. She already is. With people like that, there is no winning. So why bother?
But I sure wouldn't let her and her whole family show up for just $5 when the event is supposed to cost $15. It's ridiculous that she would think that it's ok to even ask -- let alone for her to go ahead and extend what was meant to be an exception for one person, to her whole freaking family. She's insane!!!
Isn't it amazing how these people, when you give them an inch, they take a mile???????????
I am so sorry they did that to you -- and that you allowed them to.
"She and her clan (as she
"She and her clan (as she told me never to forget that they are a "klan") aren't going to ruin the event for me."
Wow! Really? A threat over a church event? Ug. That's disgusting.
You're absolutely right, it's her problem. I'm always so sorry to run across these types of people. I always wonder how they manage to get dressed in the morning considering their low level of mental and emotional functioning. :?
Oh my god. I'm so sorry you
Oh my god. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that kind of penny pincher SA.
At our martial arts school, one guy always comes in and won't sign up, so he has to pay a visitor's fee (also $15... what's up with that?) He always says he can only pay 5 bucks or he left the money at home or whatever. I let it slide twice. Then for a large seminar, he comes in and says he can only pay 30 (the seminar fee was $55) and one of my "adopted sons" (he's a little older than me but I take care of him and DH like they're my kids, and am called mom by him all the time--he had a horrible childhood and we're housing him in return for his construction and plumbing abilities, he's also a student with us) saw I was getting pissed, told me "I'll handle it, ma." and I don't know WHAT he did but the guy coughed up not only the $55 but the other $35 that he was still missing. The guy hasn't been back since... and honestly, it may be for the better (he was very disruptive and disrespectful in class.)
Maybe I should lend him to you.
But yeah, call them on their bluff. Ugh, those people disgust me.
WOOHOO!!! I wish I could've
WOOHOO!!! I wish I could've seen what he did to make that guy pay up!