Seeking help... (serious)
I haven't really mentioned this but for the last month now, once a week I go see a counselor. Its not just because of BM, BF and SD1. Its to help me control my worries, myself esteem and a few other problems that I guess I got from my genetics. Yesterday's meeting went, well interesting. I broke down for the first time in front of her. It was hard to deal with what she was having me face. Due to my worrying about BM she focused on that this week and made me confront my fears of BF leaving me for BM. I know its only the worst that can happen in the situation but still having it stare at me was harder than I thought it would be. But she also had me notice what the reason for their talking was, because they have a daughter and have to function. I am really hoping I can focus on that thought for the week and not worry so much about what stupid shit BM is trying to do. If BF loves me like he says he does then there shouldn't be an issue. He will be there when it comes time for me. I wish I could turn off the doubting part in my mind. Its just so hard cause of SD1. I know BF would do anything for his daughter. I love that about him. But BM knows that and will take any advantage of that she can.
So I guess here is to staying strong in my life. Dealing with shit that I shouldn't be worried about and living on with a life that can make me happy. Here is to taking chances on love and remaining positive that love will be there for me. For allowing myself to open once more to the person I love above any other. Here is to me.
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You can do it! I think it's
You can do it! I think it's extra hard for those of us that fell in love with men who had a life before us. I know that I used to wonder if maybe somewhere deep down, BF still had feelings for Wilda. I came to the realization that the reason that I thought this was because they were (at one point) in love, married, had hopes for living the rest of their lives together (sorry, I'm gagging as I type this), and had a child together. However, I was focused on the good in their relationship but in all reality, there wasn't much. He didn't want to be with her anymore but stayed for SD. Once she cheated on him, that was it, and he's been paying the price ever since. And so have I because I have to live with the fallout of what she did to him. He hasn't asked me to marry him yet I'm sure because he's scared.
Maybe it would help if FH doesn't tell you anything about BM and just deals with her on his own? Has he set boundaries with her and stick to them? Does she try to make your life a living hell because she's jealous of what the two of you have?
Just remember, he's with you because he loves YOU and is happy with YOU!
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
As far as I know they have
As far as I know they have both said they do not want to be together. She left him so I think my thoughts are that he might still love her like that because it wasn't as if he chose to leave. I know he still cares about her, he has told me that, but he also tells me he loves me like that not her. She just tries to push me out of situations. Like we ended up going out as a group a week ago, me, FH, SD1, BM and one of BM's friends. While we were there BM had SD1 on her shoulders and was leaning forward towards FH and FH was tickling SD1. I was fine with that action. But then SD1 pointed at me and wanted me to do it. BM said "her father is doing it. You don't need to." and continued to do it towards FH. Not that I care they were doing that, but obviously SD1 wanted me to join and BM would not let me. Then if FH and I lagged behind a bit looking at the cars she would call my phone all pissy and ask "where are you guys. Can't you just keep up?" So I don't know what to do with her, I want to talk to her and come to at least an understanding for SD1's sake but she wont have anything to do with me. I know we don't have to get along but it would make things SO much easier if she could handle being in the same room as me. I hate her but I would never say that to her and I have done nothing but be nice to her when I dont have to be. I just wish she could do the same to me. Cause this is all of a sudden she is acting like this. Hell 3 months ago she had NO problem with me being at pick ups. Now she doesn't want me there even when she picks up. Its not her house so she can't really say much to that. Its just the point...
But thank you for your view. Its reassuring to have someone pushing for me.
Life isn't about the days you have, its about what you do with the days you have.
Why are you hanging out with
Why are you hanging out with BM? In my opinion, that should not be happening. It's much too confusing for everyone involved.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
I was uncomfortable with BM
I was uncomfortable with BM and FH going alone. And FH said I could go if BM said it was ok. She found a friend and allowed me to go in the end. I over reacted but I just wasn't ready for them to have "family time" in a public place. FH was nice enough to say he wanted me there. But next time I wont be there.
Life isn't about the days you have, its about what you do with the days you have.
FH and BM shouldn't be going
FH and BM shouldn't be going out alone with the child either. There should be a nice, clean break. Just my opinion.
She wants to have time to
She wants to have time to "talk" to him alone about their daughter. He wants to spend all the time he can with his daughter. He also wants to see how SD1 behaves with BM because BM is always complaining that she misbehaves with her. He thinks it would be a good way to see this and spend time with SD1. Also he knows they need to sort things out for SD1's sake and BM will not talk with me around. She will only talk to him on these "outings" that she wants to have.
I agree with you trust me. I think they are setting SD1 up for things that are not happening. Its only gonna confuse her but FH tells me that it is their child and he has to do what he has to do for her. If these stupid things make it easier for BM to deal with SD1, FH, and me then he will do what he has to to keep the peace for all our sake.
Life isn't about the days you have, its about what you do with the days you have.
That's what telephones are
That's what telephones are for. He's setting up a situation in which BM calls the shots, at your expense. No wonder you're upset. I'd be LIVID.
I completely agree. And to
I completely agree. And to be given permission to tag along with BM? FH needs to grow a set and stick up for you. There is absolutely no reason why he and BM should be hanging out alone. That's what these women do, they use their kids as an excuse to get their former husbands (who they discarded like yesterday's garbage) alone to try and manipulate them. Ain't no way in hell I would allow that, nor would I allow BM to have ANY say in what I do.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh but it just seems to me that you're being taken for a ride and that's not fair to you at all.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
I wouldn't usually say this
I wouldn't usually say this because I don't want to rain on your parade or to put any more doubt in your mind, but I've read some of your other posts and I truly wonder why you stay in this situation. I know exactly how it feels to wonder if BM is after your man and the kind of stress that puts you though. Even when things between them are simple and innocent conversations, my brain has been known to whip up some tragic maladramatic theories and fantasies on the worst case scenario. Naturally, we'll think up the worst thing just to prepare ourselves for the "what if's".
So I really feel for you, but I wonder why you stay. One thing that makes me worry is that SD is only a 1 year old. How long ago did BM and your FH break up? Was he around during her pregnancy? Was he involved in the pregnancy stage and after the baby came, did he bond with her straight away? Where were you at the time? Did you know them already?
I ask these questions because I read a post here a while ago (sorry I don't have the link) and a woman was going through the same situation, where, like in your last post, her FH wouldn't allow her to go along on visits to see the kid because BM wanted it to be "family time" or some shit like that. You mentioned having fears that she's just using the girl as an excuse to bond with FH and obviously it's been working if there are museum plans in the air. The baby is one so it will recognize its father and form a bond, but is this a children's museum the kid can enjoy or some sort of "walk around the place" outing for adult conversation. The woman that posted had similar circumstances and she couldn't figure out why he man wasn't totally "over" the family thing he lost with his ex and kid. I think the baby is so young it speaks about how "young" this situation is. He might be harboring a lot more guilt over leaving the kid than say, a man with a 6 year old kid would.
This is just my take on it and it's certainly not the absolute way of seeing things. I think your FH hasn't gotten through enough of the bullshit with BM to know that he needs the boundaries to maintain a new relationship. He doesn't sound malicious, just very confused and ..unaware, so to speak. I'd be really hurt by some of the things you've discussed he's said and done. I can really relate to your pain and I'm glad that you have a place to talk about your thoughts and feelings. I hope you continue to gain clarity and support. I just want to say that I did that too, the whole counseling thing, because of being in this step world, and for some time, I just diluted myself, lied to myself and disillusioned myself to "cooperate" or "accept" the situation for what it was. Because I love my man so much. Sometimes I wish I had more balls to say, "I deserve better" and believe me..there is better. Maybe not "better" in quality..but different with more options. Step lives are constricting and often isolating, especially for the step parent. Anyway..big ramble here..
I hope I'm not coming off like a total bitch. I just really feel for you and ((((lynneranne)))
BM left FH 3 weeks after
BM left FH 3 weeks after learning she was pregnant. FH saw his daughter a handful of times before she was 11 months old and then the courts stepped in. He wanted to be there more than anything else. He was pissed that BM took the pregnancy, birth and first 11 months of his child's life from him. So he wasn't there. I knew FH before they started dating, they have known eachother longer but hadn't talked in ages before they began dating. We all used to hang out and go on couples dates, I was engaged during this time. I was there when she left him and he was there when my fiance left me. We remained friends for over a year then decided to date.
I stay with him because as much shit as I get put though the times when I'm not worrying and he is there for me are the best time of my life. He is a great guy.I fully believe that he will make a great husband. He is my best friend. H
Life isn't about the days you have, its about what you do with the days you have.
Kudos to you for getting the
Kudos to you for getting the help you deserve. Therapy is HARD. But the sessions where you do break down and access those deep feelings are the most productive ones. Keep at it! Let yourself heal and develop some tools for dealing with those painful emotions. You can do it!
Thank you. Life isn't about
Thank you.
Life isn't about the days you have, its about what you do with the days you have.
Therapy helped get my
Therapy helped get my through my divorce and helped me rediscover the Rags I like being. Good for you for investing in yourself. I hope you find it as valuable and cathartic as I did.
As for the SOs with baggage/historical relationships ...... My Beautiful Wife certainly has regrets about her past with my SS's BioDad. She regrets that SS has had to deal with visitation with the tootless SpermClan. Regrets that BioDad has never grown up and is a 40yo gangbanger wannabe with 4 out-of-wedlock spawn who have been pawned off on others to raise. My SS (his oldest) has been raised by my Wife and I, 2-4 were dumped on SpermGrandMa's door step and have lived with the SpermGrandParents since they were very young. She regrets that my SS has such a Jerry Springer aspect to his life as a unwilling member of the SpermClan.
Though she has regrets my Wife has no interest in any type of relationship with BioDad or anyone in the SpermClan with the exception of Her (our) son much less any interest in a reconciliation with BioDad.
I think that you should remember that all BM has of your DH is his past. You are his present and his future. He dumped her or was dumped by her. He chose you to spend his life with. Be honored by his devotion to you, own it and enjoy it. The best way to move your relationship forward is to bask in the glow of happiness by rewarding him and yourself with a happy, loving relationship. This is also the best way to control BM. Think of it like turning on the lights in a cockroach infested room. When the lights come on the roaches scurry for the dark corner.
Be confident and happy in your relationship and BM will join the rest of the cockroaches somewhere in a dark unpleasant corner. You will benefit, SO will benefit and the (S)kids will benefit from the quality of the adult relationship at the core of your family.
IMHO of course.
Best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)
Thank you. Really. I guess
Thank you. Really. I guess I've thought a lot about that just hearing some of it makes it seem true.
Life isn't about the days you have, its about what you do with the days you have.
I just posted a long comment
I just posted a long comment on your other post 'Trying so hard.' and gave some suggestions of things to do regarding DH and SD spending time together with BM.
Here, I'm going to have to agree with most of the users above and say, BF/FH should not be going out to all this stuff with BM unless you're invited too. If you two are serious, which is seems like you are, then he needs to get serious about it. But, and this is a big but, that's gonna take time, and you are going to suffer through a lot of shit. Is it worth it? It was and is for me, though the question still rings through my ears very often.
Oh, also, I read your profile info. In-laws are the worst. They take time too. And, once you get settled in more, and they see what a positive influence you are on their grandkid, as opposed to her psycho mother, you'll get more power (like you started to when you put SD in time out - yeah, I read that post too), maybe even the power to tell them to stfu. In-laws are old people and old people are dumb and also probably mourning the loss of some sort of family they had or thought they had or wished they had in BF/FH and BM and SD. Also, they are dumb and it will take them way longer than it would take any other person to realize that you are the family they want. Also, did I mention they are dumb? And probably old? And probably backwards religious? And dumb? Did I mention that?