Out of hand: I'm pissed when BM speaks to step kids

To begin with, I know this is completely unreasonable and potentially unforgivable. However, it is the truth.

I am infuriated every time BM says a word to my stepsons.

Legally, we have them 50/50. Truthfully, we have them 70% of the time if not more.

I have no idea if she loves them or not, but she does not treat them that way and pushes them off on us whenever she can. She uses them as pawns. She lies to them. She is not a good parent.

That's not to say that I am a good parent either. I have been extremely mindful of not overstepping my boundaries, and am therefore slightly distant from the kids. We play. We color. We chase each other around the house and talk about school. We cuddle. We do all the normal stuff. Just not as much as a real mom would.

I am not their mother. I understand that.

But I am still ENFURIATED when BM says anything at all to them in my presence.

The first issue: if anyone is present other than DH, she puts on the Mother of the Year voice, which is an overly happy squealing sound.

I have hidden before so she didn't know I was home, on multiple occassions, and on those occasions she was totally normal and squeal-free.

Secondly, I guess I hate her. I know she lies to them and sends them in with loaded questions to upset me, which is completely irresponsible. If I thought some other person was going to take care of my kids, the last thing I would do is send them over with questions and ideas that were going to upset that caretaker. But that doesn't matter to her.

What do I do? See a psychologist? I am SO possessive of the kids at this point that I often fantasize about hurting her for things she has done to them. Which is nuts, and I know it. I just don't know what to do about it.

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I think the empowering method

I think the empowering method for dealing with these types of feelings is to gain control over the opposition as much as possible. Not in a confrontational, abrasive or insulting way but in a confident and forceful way.

You have the kids 70+% of the time. For all practical purposes you are their REAL mom because you perform the duties, role and take the responsibilities of their REAL mom which she apparently gladly abdicates.

Renting a womb to the biodad for nines month does not make a woman a mother just as donating some swimmers to a mother does not make a man a father.

Father or Mother is a constant action, responsibility, duty and priveledge. Not a one time act or intermittent activity.

What my wife and I did was to counter my SS's BioDad's and SpermClan's toxic crap with factual information. When he was too young to comprehend the information we used it directly with the SpermClan to shut them up, control them and to protect his best interests.

As he got older we provided him with select information in an age appropriate and sensitive manner. By the time he was in his mid teens he was accessing the information himself in order to gain an understanding of the facts of his blended family situation and the state of the SpermClan rather than just accepting their bullshit, self serving, skewed recounting of the history and current state of the situation.

When I asked his mom to marry me I chose to be his dad. Unfortunately marriage is often not a permanent decision these days. Being a parent is and is likely the only eternal decision we can make. Once a parent, always a parent.

Even if something were to happen to his mom and I, I would still be his dad and I will always be his dad.

Sadly my son knows that as a fact and that his BioDad has never been a father to him and never will be.

So, I would just put on the MOM hat, keep it on, and counter BM with evey official and unofficial FACT that applies. Keep your SKids informed of the facts so that they have a chance of caring for themselves when they are with her.

Enjoy your family.

Best regards,

Thanks for taking so much

Thanks for taking so much time to respond to this in detail, Rags. I am actually going to speak with DH about some of your ideas, especially the idea of using the facts we currently have to shut BM up and stop her nonsense. The kids are still too young (2 and 5) but if we could use the evidence to sort of minimize her insanity it would really make things easier.

And thank you, also, for being so understanding. I really expected to get flamed for this post. It's a huge relief to know there are people out there who actually understand and who have been through similar experiences.

DH has already started recording pretty much everything he can so that we will have factual evidence to disprove BM's lies when the boys are old enough to understand. Many people have told us that this is vindictive and destructive to the boys, but I don't understand how letting her lie about DH and ruin the boys' relationship with him is a better option.

Glad to hear someone else has made the choice to fight lies with facts, regardless of how negative those facts might be about BM.

MH, The beauty of facts is

MH,

The beauty of facts is that they are not good or bad. They are just facts. It is the behaviors that generated the facts that may be good or bad but it is the owner of the behaviors that is responsible for the facts.

If that makes any sense at all.

My SS would often return from a SpermClan visitation with some toxic drivle or other that was 85+% bullshit. We would calmly explain to him that sometimes people make things up in order to make themselves feel better and then we would lead him through a Q&A designed to get him to work through the thought processes to reach a factual conclusion of the situation.

The best example of how we helped him develop his own analytical capability regarding the situation with his SpermIdiot and the SpermClan was regarding the consistent guilt trip that SpermGrandMa would lay him about how he did not deserve the nice things he had and it was not fair that he had them and his 3 younger half sibs did not.

On one particular occassion SS replied to SpermGrandMa's toxic rant on this topic with "My mom and dad work hard so we can have nice things. Besides, if Dad (DickHead) would support his kids rather than buy two big screen TVs for gaming, several snow boards and to to gaming conventions then the kids could have nice things too". SpermGrandMa called my wife to rant about that but she never mentioned it to SS again.

Hang in there.

Rags: I have done

Rags:

I have done everything you have suggested. I even have had my Husband completely prepared for the court cases this ex has run him through. I have proof, Legal proof, of the lies the BM is running her mouth about. I even had proof of my SD BFF running her mouth about me in a negative manner. I let the children read selective bit of the information and they still believe that I am the one causing all the problems and that the BMs lies are truths.

doh, Depending on the

doh,

Depending on the situation the facts, enforcement and control strategy is more or less effective. However, I find it far superior to victim mode and doing nothing while the Blended Family Opposition runs rough shod over me and my family.

So, I make it as painful as possible on them to do anything but work with us in a reasonable manner.

SS has not and still does not always agree with my methods, reasoning or perspective but he does no absolutely that my motivation is solely his best interests and to protect his mom from the SpermClan's toxic vitriolic crap. Even when he can not agree with my perspectives he can't and doesn't disagree with my motivations.

Sometimes get everything we want, sometimes we don't but for 16+ years we never failed to get more of what we wanted than not and definately we got more of what we felt to be in SS's best interests than the SpermClan got out of the situation.

Hang in there and don't give up. At the very least the Skids will know that you and their dad never gave up trying to protect their best interests.

Thanks leggart. It's so nice

Thanks leggart. It's so nice to hear so many people tell me it's okay if I feel like their mom even though I'm not in the strictest sense. My biggest fear, and the reason I think I hold back sometimes, is that I am afraid BM will sense the closeness and then turn them against me. Even at this point, I would be totally heart broken. And I don't want to go through that. It would tear me apart.

But it is good to see there are others who are really trying and struggling with the situation, and hoping for the best in the long run. Like you, we used to have SS5 almost nonstop. He started kindergarten this year, and I honestly think I'm having more trouble with it than he is. lol. Especially since kindergarten is cutting into our hours with him instead of hers. Ugh. I'm so jealous and ridiculous. I completely wear myself out feeling so possessive and worried all the time.

Every child is different.

Every child is different. Every BM is, too. In our situation, since we have primary physical residence (BM lives 4 hours away), SD17 visits her mother once a month and alternating holidays. Her house is a toxic place for SD. Yet, that's the life her BM has chosen.

BM spent years ripping me apart, in all imaginable ways. I stood firm, knowing that our home is the right place for SD to live. DH and I were in agreement (probably the only thing we agree on, out of everything to do with SD) that we would never, ever speak poorly of BM. We've kept true to that agreement. Amidst the hurtful drama, lies, deceit, threats on my life, even when I thought I couldn't take another mouthful from BM, SD17 would eventually be hurt by BM. Then, who did she come to when she was in tears, that deep sobbing that comes from a place she protects so much??? Me. I've spent hours lying on her bed with her throughout the years, while she sobbed and cried, trying to make sense of whatever BM had just done. Never, ever, did I bash BM. I reminded her that she is her BM, and will always be. We always talked her way through it and came to the conclusions she has made on her own.

Did I want to incinerate BM each and every time?????? Of course I did. Yet, I knew if I was the one who told SD how to feel, pointed out BM's behavior, then I would be the one who crushed her thoughts of BM. Couldn't do that. Won't ever do that. Even as I sit here today, knowing that BM has NOT been a major part of SD's life, hasn't paid her meager $50/month CS (except for a handful of times in 8 years), and then came to the rescue by buying SD a car. (Used car, but that isn't the issue), I am disgusted. BM makes me sick, physically sick, to have to encounter. So, I don't interact with her AT ALL. In all of these years, BM has never contacted ME.

As far as gathering evidence to prove what's happening?? That's a great tactic for court action. But, imagine yourself sitting down with your SSs and making the case against their BM. I don't know...just seems like a bad idea. To me.

Like I said, every kid is different. Every situation is different. This is just my view. I mess up daily, I hurt every single day over my SD. My situation is hard. Perhaps it wouldn't be like this today if I had blasted the living sh*t out of BM from day 1.

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