Things can turn on a dime...
While we all seem to have certain similarities, there are times when I read someone's situation and either feel thankful I'm not in that spot or pass on by because it doesn't relate to my situation, so I can't really answer or totally relate.
Last night I got a one-two punch that landed me square in the shoes of other posters.
1. BM let her house (the one also still in SO's name) get foreclosed on and said SO could have the kids because she'd be staying with friends. Currently SO has every weekend.
Yep, just like when posters warn other SMs that BM could disappear, pass away, or whatever, so best be aware it could happen to you... here I am. For some reason BM seems to get away with anything and everything, so if there is some possible loophole to the foreclosure process, I trust she will benefit from it and it won't happen. I just in a million years can't imagine her giving up CS. We'll see...
2. SO told me why SD doesn't like me anymore.
Yep, you guessed it...BM told her not to. SD listed off that I wasn't a good person, that I was mean, that she should stay away from me and not listen to me "because Mom says".
Of course I only finally heard about this conversation because when telling me about #1, SO said "I know you won't like this because of not liking SD". I said "I've told you over and over it's not like that...there's just this way she's been acting with me". He told me he did finally find out what was wrong and then hemmed and hawed about telling me before he finally did. He said that the conversation with SD started with her saying she didn't think I liked her. He told her I liked her very much and that's when she told him BM said I didn't like her and that I wasn't a good person etc. Well, guess what else? Somewhere in the last year I HAVE started to not like her, or rather her behavior, because of how she acts toward me, my home, my kids, and my pets...thanks to BM. At least SO finally knows that her not liking me is not in my imagination.
Guess it's time for me to go back and read up on full custody and BMs who badmouth SMs.
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Comments
#1 first and foremost if shes
#1 first and foremost if shes giving up custody, Id file to transfer custody and support right away. No way in hell id allow my fdh to have custody and continue to pay support. Id walk before that happens. Same with paying her less because she agreed to it and not filing the papers. What isnt in writing isnt legal!
I bet your SO is excited about seeing the kids more and having it be that easy, but if BM cant keep up a household she shouldnt have custody anyhow. Ill be curious to find out what happens, but you know that even if he has the kids he still legally owes her support, and she can come after him for it in the future.
Thank you for mentioning
Thank you for mentioning that, sonja. I had already been thinking about that, especially since BM has a friend who collects CS for kids she does not have custody of.
Truly she shouldn't have custody, but if SO never put up the fight, then it's not my fight either. As much as I don't want to be around one of the kids sometimes, even I feel it would be better for them. I'm not going to get too worked up about it yet, though, because I really can't imagine her giving up custody. If she does, though, it will be in writing quickly.
The part about her poisoning SD against me...that horse is already out of the barn, so I do need to figure out how to act with that.
Kids don't dislike people for
Kids don't dislike people for no reason usually. It should have been obvious that BM was poisoning her.
My brothers soon to be ex does that with their kids about my whole family. She tells them terrible lies about my sister and mother(who soon to be ex hates). There's no justification for her disliking either of them except for the fact that they told my brother to stand up for himself. (as any sister or mother would!)
Poor kids, they're so confused right now. They look at my mom and are not sure they're allowed to be nice or like her. They ask her if she says horrible things about their mom, or if she hates them. (cause their mommy told them so)
It's pure selfishness on these bm's part. So petty, and it ruins kids.
"It should have been obvious
"It should have been obvious that BM was poisoning her"
SO figured it was going on, but oddly I didn't. This is naive, but I actually thought BM didn't care enough to do it. I mean, based on her death threats, I knew BM didn't like me...but she isn't a very involved parent, so I couldn't see her bothering to tell SD this stuff. I also very naively thought that SD saw the nice things I did for her and how well I treated her and that would override any negative vibes she got from BM. Turns out it wasn't negative vibes; it was out and out poisoning.
There is no way I'm going to disparage her mom and I don't think I'll say anything about any of this to her. The question is if I just keep on like I was before (which has turned into mild, but friendly, disengagement) or try extra hard with her or what...
You sound a lot like me. I
You sound a lot like me. I too foolishly assumed that the skids, because they are actually pretty smart and are teenagers, would see the nice things I do for them and the way I treat them and make their own judgments. Boy was I wrong! Never underestimate the power of the golden uterus. Apparently the nice things I did were merely an attempt to "fool them" or "buy them" into liking me and my general kind demeanor toward them was "just an act to cover over my hatred for them" and "hiding my real bad character." Lovely.
Good luck to you if you have them come live with you! I also make a point of not disparaging the BM and I respect you for not doing it either. How hard it is though not to defend yourself!!!! I don't know if I would keep on w/ the disengagement or try harder. I guess it is something you are going to have to judge on a day to day basis for a while. I feel for you girl!!!!
Oh, don't respect me too much
Oh, don't respect me too much for not disparaging her
. I kind of figure she disparages herself on a routine basis by showing her true colors. While it might take several years until SD realizes this, I don't think it will help my cause if I say anything about her mom.
Yep, I found myself in the
Yep, I found myself in the same spot this summer when bm kicked ss13 out of her house. Never saw that one coming. I mean, she spent years alienating this kid against me so he would never love me and want to come live with her and she got what she wanted! It worked! Then after 4 years of blissful living together she kicked his butt out.
Fortuntately, or perhaps unfortunately, I had a mil who wanted to step in take and ss in (as poor sweetums didnt want to live with wicked sm and her evil minions). So once again he has been rescued so that he never actually has to be parented but rather just coddled, enabled, and catered to.
I, too, was extremely naive in the early years. I loved my ss and I was good and kind to him and a responsible parental figure. I foolishly thought that was what was important. I soon found out that it was not-that I was very disposable to ss and someone he'd throw under the bus in a heartbeat if it suited his purposes.
In my case, I now hold no love for ss either. I dont like him either.